Zeus Announces Contest to Name New God

zeusThis Modern Philosopher received the thrill of a lifetime today when he got to put on his formal toga and take a trip to Mount Olympus for an announcement from Zeus.

Not only does the “Father of the Gods” rarely ever make a public appearance, but he also never allows mortals to set foot on his home turf.   So, I knew this had to be a big deal when Hermes arrived to pick me up and fly me back to the mountaintop.

The members of the media invited to the news conference were given no advanced warning as to what it was about, but no one really seemed to care.  We got to walk around Mount Olympus!

So what did Zeus want?  He’s upset that Greek Mythology has essentially vanished from cultural significance, and inspired by the Norse God Thor’s recent surge in popularity via the movies, decided that it was time to use the world of entertainment to re-introduce the Gods of Olympus to the masses.

“I am pleased to announce a contest to name the newest Greek God,” Zeus told those of us lucky enough to be there for the big moment.  “I have decided that it’s time to introduce a new God into the ranks, and he shall be the God of Social Media.  You get to decide on the name.  Please post your suggestions on our Facebook page, text them to 444-ZEUS, email them to BigZ@gmail.com, or tweet them to @Zeus_is_Loose.”

Zeus and a panel of celebrity judges will review all the entries and pick a winner.  In the event that more than one person suggests the winning name, all those who submitted it will have the opportunity to complete Herculean tasks until a winner emerges.

The winner will meet the new God, receive $1M in gold, get to select one enemy for Zeus to either smite or turn into a farm animal, and spend three weeks in the Greek Isles on an all expenses paid dream vacation for two.

How could you not be excited about this?  I’ve already submitted seven names and my fingers are crossed.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  What would you name The Greek God of Social Media?  Are you planning on entering the contest?  Do you think Greek Mythology should become hip again?  Which Greek God is your favorite?

Time to send the formal toga to the dry cleaners and do a little more brain storming on potential entries.  I look forward to hearing your Deep Thoughts on this one…


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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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265 Responses to Zeus Announces Contest to Name New God

  1. Amy says:

    BAHAHahaa!! I love this…Zeus and a panel of celebrity judges! Brilliant and entertaining post…and I am still contemplating entering the contest! HA! :)

  2. Jeremy Shane says:

    I would like to enter this contest. I am having a hard time being told what to do by the general public in a corporate work environment, and would love the opportunity to rule from the clouds. I am moral, sincere, and kind, but can of course offer the the swift vengeance every god needs to have in their skill set. I also enjoy long walks on the beach and being fanned be beautiful women while being fed grapes.

  3. Ha ha ha… very cool post, loved it and had a real good laugh! So off the top of my head I humbly propose Linkeus, Sociomedius and Chattusa as names for new gods ;)

  4. Kamiel Choi says:

    Given the distribution of bandwidth usage, how about Aphrodisia?

  5. Twittania! Patron goddess of swift news and paraphrased gossip (140 characters or less). Her mascot is a very generic blue bird.

  6. Opinionated Man says:

    The new God should be named Idiocricy to honor the rise in stupidity in our current age. :)

  7. A marvellous post. Bring back the Greek Gods, I say. They had their own weaknesses and foibles and every mortal could choose their particular favourite.
    My suggestion for the God of Social Media would be Nexus.

  8. tearmatt says:

    You should call him Mr Bigglesworth, and everytime he comes down to the earth to have a chat with the locals, he becomes a cat.

  9. stanito says:

    They made everyday-life so entertaining :) !

  10. Young Liar says:

    This definitely made my not-so-great morning a lot better. Tell me, is Hera still in the picture or can we expect to see a Bachelor of Olympic proportions this season?

  11. Let me think…the god of social media…h-mmmmm. I think Zeus might just be thinking of a name that also has a z in it. Lets see, the king of the gods is Zeus so the king of social media should be Zuck (from Zuckerburg.)

  12. reocochran says:

    I think I saw this on Freshly Pressed! Outstanding recognition of talent! You deserve it if I was not seeing things! I didn’t see any references to it so wondered if I was up too late or just need a nap?!

  13. pieterk515 says:

    Beware, this new god might be the villian. With the power of preventing humans from actually having any physical or emotional contact with each other whatsoever… Let’s call him Anticontactus

  14. I think S.M. Guru is like the Smith of God names, so Ill have to think about this. Meanwhile, I appreciated this blog and have deemed it worthy to tweet at my @judyschaumburg profile.

  15. jdanryan says:

    Great idea, this. For my candidate, I would dub him (assuming that by Zeus saying “God” that this new member of the team has to be male)… Allilepidras, who, when he ultimately got Romanized like the rest of the lot, would become… Commercius.

    • Really like that. You need to enter that one into the contest before the deadline. You could be headed to Greece… :)

      • jdanryan says:

        Eh, knowing my luck I probably run afoul of some of the terms and conditions in the legal disclosure section: Not open to residents of NY, not open to former fanfic writers, void where prohibitive (i.e., among circles composed of both Catholics and atheists), yadda de yadda yadda…

      • I can see where you’d be nervous. Zeus might smite anyone who ran afoul of the rules. Then again, what fun is life if you don’t take a few risks???

  16. I would say that he could just turn into a swan and violate some poor maiden, but apparently the female body has ways of shutting that whole thing down.

  17. Toni says:

    Very fun! Going to put on my thinking cap and ponder an entry. Thanks for the entertaining post.

  18. Yes! It’s time for Mount Olympus to regain its “cool” status!

  19. I love some of the suggestions here – I second Twittania :-D

  20. Love this! :) Zeus should also start up a reality show with the gods, right? The gods of Olympus, we’ll call it. :)

  21. lilru96 says:

    Just wanted to say I would so enter this contest if it ment I would meet the gods and my favorite god is Aphrodite. MAYBE IN MY DREAMS. Also being that I am a reader if I get to meet Percy Jackson I’M IN!!!

  22. Tish Farrell says:

    Heard someone lately refer to social media as Twitface. But then perhaps this doesn’t convey sufficient godly resonance; or indeed respect for so ethereal a position. Great piece.

  23. James Addoms says:

    Satire about Zeus! Blasphemy!!! My next call is to the ACLU. If anyone has a problem with Zeus being my personal god and savior right now, (like, until I find something better or his teachings become socially unpalatable and I decide to interpret for myself what he actually means), well you can just take your atheism and your intolerance elsewhere. I think we can all agree that faith is a virtue, right? I mean I learned that not only from people of monotheistic dispositions. My former atheist and secularist colleagues valued faith so much they fought in the public arena to keep it off the table in all public debate… so almost all of you agree that “faith” is unassailable. So there it is. I have faith in Zeus. I have witnessed his personal testimony to me. Doesn’t matter if you believe it, because it’s true.

    Satire, yes… BUT it’s also an interesting study in factual equivalency. If faith permits belief and action without proof, a belief in Zeus and offense-taking on his behalf is EXACTLY equally valid as taking offense at YaYa, JeJe & MoMo. Call the ACLU if you’re pissed, faithers!

    • Wonderful rant. Nice use of the unlimited space in the comments section. :) You seem to be a bit off topic, though. No one is dissing Zeus. Welcome to the blog. Take a deep breath, and maybe read another post? :)

  24. interesting blog you have here and thanks for the visit.

  25. sandrabranum says:

    I say thy name is GiggyBite!

  26. Karen George says:

    This is hilarious. Intellectual Savior would be nice.. LOL.. Great article..

  27. ksbeth says:

    thanks for stopping in once again, ps – have a zeus sculpture on campus where i teach, who cries when you step on a secret stone. pretty intense tomfoolery going on there – beth

  28. Dora Miller says:

    Hahaha! I love this!
    Socialcyber is my suggestion :)
    Zeus will need to announce the winner through a reality show :)

  29. Suzanne says:


  30. Pingback: Of Wizards & Demigods: In Which a Wizard is revealed as a Demigod | The Fantasy Central Channel

  31. vitamins says:

    salutations from across the sea. precise article I must return for more.


  33. Steve Jobs. It could be his new career.

  34. Leslie Jo says:

    Wow! Your blog is great! I’m so glad you liked mine which led me to discover yours. Thanks!

  35. floridaborne says:

    I think there should be a modern Greek god.of Banking and Finance and his name should be Cyprus. A God of social media? The Greek goddess of fools, Baubo, might like to have a god of social media as a companion: You could use the first letter of her name, the first letter Oprah’s name, the first letter of Zeus’ name and the first letter of Barack’s last name and create Bozo, the god of social media. He could look just like Piers Morgan. Not very creative but it is quite descriptive.

  36. Leslie Jo says:

    Reblogged this on Tales of Wild Boomba and commented:
    Here’s another blog I wanted to re-blog. Enjoy!

  37. Tandi says:

    Nosecretes is my submission. And how will us be notified of my winning entry? And how do I arrange for Zeus to smite my nasty neighbor?!

  38. I love your attitude! You’ve got me hooked…
    Humoring the Goddess: Managing the Madness and Magic of Middle Age

  39. Thank you for the like.

  40. Neal Saye says:

    Oh gosh, I wish I could be as funny as you, mister man. My problem is that I tend to be funny only when I don’t mean to be funny. Keep up this great blog!

    • Austin says:

      Thank you for the compliments. Hope you will look around a little, and not just read the Freshly Pressed article. The other posts would get jealous… :)

  41. robotdangerkitty says:

    New name should reference bacon.


  42. robotdangerkitty says:

    Also, Hypocrites, pronounced hip-OCK-rit-ees, god of jokes about politics.

  43. Do we have a winner?

  44. Pingback: Guest Blogger: When Zeus Met Austin… | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  45. CJ says:

    No doubt the new God would be named Coetus.

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