The Maine Fire Marshal today announced serious restrictions as to when and where the remains of slain Zombies can be cremated. Special “burning zones” have been set up throughout the state, and fire schedules will be posted on a weekly basis. Up until now, it’s been pretty much an “anything goes” type policy when it came to disposing of the undead, but recent EPA studies have found that the air above Maine is getting “a bit ripe” and the Federal Government decided it was time to get involved.
“Maine has a wicked pissah of a Zombie infestation,” stated Fire Marshal Bill Devereaux. “No other state has to deal with this sorta mess, so the government’s left us alone to deal with it to this point. Unfortunately, some of our more tree huggerish residents have decided to raise a stink, and now we’ve got Feds crawling all over the place. Please bear with us as we seek out the best way to deal with the unwanted guests.”
As those of you who follow this blog know, the Zombie problem in Maine is one that has basically been under control over the past few years as residents have been trained in the art of Zombie Dispatching. Full time Zombie Hunters patrol the state, but every Mainer has the capability to take out the undead should they appear. I have a stiletto on me at all times, and put down sixteen Zombies in 2012. The only real issue we have now is getting rid of the bodies once they’re dead again. Fire has always been the disposal method of choice, but now it looks like that might have to change.
The Fire Marshal went on to state that two groups have stepped up with plans for alternate means of Zombie Disposal, with Governor LePage being very strongly in support of one and the Maine State Senate backing the other.
The Senate is behind the plan suggested by the Alien Ambassador. As you know, Maine is the only state in the Union that offers residency to beings from planets other than Earth. These Aliens are also allowed to vote and hold public office. The Alien Ambassador’s plan calls for using Grovakian Space Haulers to transport the Zombie corpses into space and then discharging them into the atmosphere of a distant galaxy where they can float off until they become space dust. This is how Maine’s Aliens currently dispose of their unique waste that cannot and should not be left on Earth. The Senate likes this plan because it shows that we trust and support our Alien friends (they also like it because they hate the Governor and would stand behind any plan that isn’t his!).
Governor LePage is a big fan of the plan set forth by the Maine Tourism Board. For years, they have been selling Maine as Vacationland with images like the one on the left that feature our lighthouses, breathtaking foliage, and beautiful open spaces. Tourism is a huge part of the state’s economy and the Governor would like to attract another breed of vacationer to Maine …the Zombie Fanatic.
The Tourism Board’s plan would feature a campaign luring people to Maine for the espress purpose of hunting Zombies. Where else could you do this in the United States? Hunters would then be required to take their kills back home with them. Not only would it cut down on the Zombie population and lessen the number of bodies that needed to be destroyed, but it would also mean an increase in money from the usual tourist expenses (room, board, food, souvenirs) and add the new expense of a Zombie Hunting License.
While Mainers have always been fine with sharing their hunting seasons with folks from away, my quick polling shows that they are very possessive of their Zombie Hunting and would not be so eager to allow strangers to do that. Sounds like the Governor is going to have a real fight on his hands trying to get his plan approved.
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Do you think the EPA is right in trying to limit how many Zombie bodies are burned in Maine? Do you think that the fires could lead to adverse environmental conditions? What alternate plan do you support? Do you have a better idea for how to get rid of the bodies?
As always, I am eager to read your Deep Thoughts…