Stephen King, Tired of Living in the Ice Age, Agrees to Bankroll Construction of Retractable Dome to Protect Maine from Winter

The Master of Nightmares has now become the Granter of Dreams.

As Maine suffers through its coldest Winter since the dawn of time, the state’s most famous resident has decided to step up and finally do something about it.  Stephen King has agreed to provide the money to finance the construction of a giant retractable done to cover the entire state.  Construction of what fans are calling “The King Dome” is scheduled to begin on April 1.

Some are calling this a publicity stunt for the author’s 2009 novel “Under the Dome”, but King’s publicist insists that can’t be further from the truth.  “Stephen is just tired of waking up every day to find his yard buried in snow, the pipes in the house frozen, or the air too frigid to breathe,” explained Regina Stefano.  “He usually writes fifteen books every Winter, but he’s only written three so far this year because the weather has so bothered his creative process.  He also knows that his neighbors are getting tired of the cold and snow, so he’s decided to take care of the problem.”

This Modern Philosopher drove over to his famous neighbor’s house to get a comment  (The House on the Hill is about two miles from Mr. King’s mansion), but Uncle Stevie (as Mainers like to call him) had just left for the airport on his way to Florida so he could write two new novels over the weekend.

Mood on the street is somber and angry, but that’s because everyone is so damn cold.  The mood inside the local pub was much more jovial as locals celebrated the announcement and toasted the construction of the dome.  Not only will the dome bring more comfortable Winters to Maine, but it will also create thousands of jobs.  While Alien technology will be used in the process, King insisted that 80% of the beings employed to build the dome be humans.

Another nice benefit of the dome is that it will offer excellent protection in the event that Maine ever comes under a nuclear attack, or when the Robot Apocalypse begins.

Of course, there are some detractors.  The main opponents to the plan are snow shovel manufacturers and kids who charge $20 to shovel your sidewalk.   Regina Stefano addressed these folks when she sat down with me.  “Remember, the dome is going to be retractable.  Snow can be let in at any time.  There will always be plenty around to keep the ski slopes busy and provide building materials for obese Snowmen.  The beauty of the dome is that once there’s enough snow, we can close up shop and keep the rest of the blizzard outside.  People are going to love the climate control options as well.”

Count me among those who absolutely love this idea.  I have friends who still ask me if Maine has indoor plumbing and paved roads.  Now we’re going to be the only state in the Union with its own dome!  Who cares if we have dirt roads and use outhouses.  Check out our dome, haters!

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Are you jealous of our dome?  Do you think every state should dome it up, or do you prefer to keep it old school and stay outdoors?  What has your state’s most famous  resident done for you lately?

I’m going to crank up the heat and then start planning on how I’m going to spend all the money I’ll save on heating oil for the rest of my life.  Send me your Deep Thoughts on this one.  I look forward to hearing from you…