AMC was pretty sure it had a monster hit on its hands with The Walking Dead, but they just received confirmation from the monsters themselves that the show is a huge success! The cable juggernaut, which returns this Sunday for the second half of its season, turns out to be a big favorite of Maine’s Zombie population.
Time Warner Cable, which provides cable service to Maine, has been flooded with new customer calls all week. At first, however, they thought that they were just the victims of an elaborate prank. This Modern Philosopher met with Monica Luhrs, who runs the Time Warner Customer Service Center in Portland, for an explanation.
Could she be more specific? “Like an AAAAARRRRR, or a GRRRRRRRRR!” I didn’t really need her to be more specific for this article. I simply wanted to see if I could get her to make the noises. What a hoot.
So you were saying? “The customer service reps would just hang up,” she continued. “But the phone would ring again right away. All the phones would ring. They wouldn’t stop.”
How did they finally realize it wasn’t a prank? “One of our installers was driving through a shady part of downtown Portland, and he saw a bunch of Zombies around a bank of payphones. He didn’t think anything of it at first, but then he looked up and saw the giant billboard advertising the show’s Sunday premiere with our phone number bigger than life running across the bottom.”
“We discovered the same thing in the areas around the billboards in Augusta, Waterville, and Bangor. The Zombies were gathering around the signs, saw something that appealed to them, and understood that calling the big number would help them to receive it. It’s really quite fascinating!”
Is it, though, Monica? This would lead a Deep Thinker such as myself to believe that the Zombies were organized and capable of a level of intelligence of which we were not previously aware. “Well, as long as they’re picking cable over satellite, we’re happy.”
I did not laugh at her pathetic joke. I think it’s time to sound the alarm, Modern Philosophers. A couple of months ago, I reported on a Zombie flash mob in downtown Bangor that performed to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. At that point, I warned you all that this was a sign that the Zombies were evolving rather than crumbling.
What does Time Warner Cable plan to do about this? “We really have no choice,” Luhrs explained nervously now that she was aware that I was not thrilled with her and not a fan of her sense of humor. “We’re bound by law to not discriminate. We have to provide service, even if the customer cannot pay for it. So if Zombies are calling and requesting cable, we’ve got to give it to them. Our hands really are tied.”
I wanted to tie her hands behind her back, cover her in entrails, and toss her into a dark alley where the Zombies like to hang. How can people be so foolish? Doesn’t she see that if Zombies can use a phone and read a number that this means they aren’t just the brainless, drooling, slow shuffling nuisances to traffic that we think them to be?
Luckily, there are people in Maine much smarter than Monica Luhrs. I talked about this problem of Zombie evolution with my pal Bo Spykes, who is a professional Zombie Hunter. He thanked me for the information, and immediately used it to set up booby traps throughout the Bangor area. Bo and his associates put TVs in abandoned buildings, cranked up the volume, and played marathon showings of The Walking Dead.
When the Zombies showed up to watch their favorite show, the Zombie Hunters put on a show of their own and dispatched the walkers to the great hereafter.
So what do you think, Modern Philosophers? Are you excited about the return of The Walking Dead? Are you concerned that Maine’s Zombie population seems to be getting more intelligent? Did you have any idea that Maine had so many payphones?
I don’t know what to think at this point. I’m really going to have to ponder this one. I’ll make sure that I have my trusty stiletto at my side as I form my Deep Thoughts.