Goldilocks was arrested today in a downtown Bangor bank after assaulting the bank officer responsible for foreclosing on her home. The tiny blonde, best known for the Fairy Tale based upon her hunt for the perfect domicile, did some serious damage to the man who was a foot taller and one hundred pounds heavier than his assailant.
The victim, whose name has not been released to spare him the embarrassment, was taken by paramedics to Eastern Maine Medical Center. Doctors there hoped to repair the physical and psychological damage done in the attack. “There’s really no surgery we can do to restore a man’s dignity after he’s been beaten that badly by a woman half his size,” one doctor told me.
“She really whooped his ass wicked good,” said one excited bank customer, who cheered on the assault. “I was next in line to see that prick, who had just foreclosed on my house, so I was glad to see him get what he had coming.”
Foreclosures have been on the rise in the greater Bangor area over the past few years due to the horrible economy, but this was the first known incident of an upset customer going all medieval on a bank employee.
“Do you know the amount of searching I had to do to find a house that was just right for me?” Goldilocks asked this Modern Philosopher when I visited her at Penobscot County Jail. “I looked at hundreds of houses, and there was always something that wasn’t quite right. The price was too high, the location was too far from my work, the rooms were too narrow, the bathrooms were too small. You name it, I probably came across it.”
“But this house…this one was just right,” she said and smiled for the first time. “It was worth all the searching. I’ve lived there for four years, never behind on my payments, and then a couple of months ago I got laid off, and I missed one. The bank started breathing down my neck immediately. I assured them that I was looking for a job. I promised I would get current with my payments. But they called at all hours wanting their money, like the bank was going to fail without my one mortgage payment. Then last week I found a job…it wasn’t quite right, but I took it because I needed the income.”
“Yesterday, the bank tells me they’re foreclosing on the property,” she growled as her eyes lit up with fury. “They’ve already got the For Sale sign on my front lawn. Can you believe this bull@#$%????”
I could not believe it, and I was very happy for the plexiglass divider that kept her fury safely on her side of the room.
“I wasn’t going to lose my dream house, so I went to the bank to try to reason with them. That douche just glanced at my file and told me I was too late. End of conversation. I saw some crystal thingy on his desk with a little plate saying it was a Customer Service Award. So I used that to show him what I thought of his customer service. I gave him my feedback over and over until I knew I had gotten across my point just right.”
Cy Brown, Goldilocks’ attorney, told me later that he intends to use a temporary insanity defense, and will ask the judge to be admit his client to Acadia Psychiatric Hospital for observation in lieu of jail time.
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Is there a little part of you that is cheering on Goldilocks for what she did? Do you think banks need to show a little more leniency and work more with their customers to help them through this tough time? Did you have any idea that Goldilocks what this much of a bad ass?
I used to be married to a blonde with a fiery temper, so that interview in the jail really brought back some bad memories. I’m not sure if I’ll be sleeping tonight…