The Leprechaun, whose blood alcohol level was nearly three times the legal limit, cursed at the Trooper and told her that Leprechauns had higher metabolisms and could process alcohol more quickly than humans. When the trooper refused to let him drive off, the suspect then dropped his pants and threatened to “properly spank her with his mighty shillelagh”.
“He was not in possession of any weapon and none was found in his vehicle,” the Trooper, who asked to remain anonymous, later told this Modern Philosopher. “It is my belief that the suspect was making a lewd sexual threat, so I maced him.”
I was able to speak to Lucky today after he had slept it off. Surprisingly, he revealed that he had been on his way to The House on the Hill to see me. “Seamus always spoke of you so highly,” Lucky explained from his jail cell. “I hadn’t seen him in so long, and with it being St Paddy’s Day and all, I thought I’d seek you out to ask if you’d heard from him or knew where he was.”
Seamus, of course, being Maine’s lone Leprechaun. Why didn’t he just call then? “I was at a St Paddy’s Day party in Boston, and the idea of driving to Maine to talk to you just consumed me,” he admitted with a shrug. “Once I’ve had my fill of Bailey’s, my thoughts take control. Also, I’d heard that Irish Spring was up your way and I wanted a chance to see her again.”
Well, that explained it then. His heart had been in the right place, but he had allowed the booze and his shillelagh to do his thinking for him.
I put Lucky in touch with Cy Brown, the famous Bangor defense attorney, because I knew that was what Seamus would have wanted me to do for his friend.
The oddest part of the whole affair was that several production companies had already contacted Lucky about having him appear on various celebrity reality shows.
“I’m not proud of what happened,” Lucky told me with remorse in his voice. “But it is St Paddy’s Day and I am a leprechaun, so it looks like the old Irish Luck is on my side. It would be bad luck for me to pass on any opportunities tossed my way.”
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Are you sick of celebrities benefiting from their legal problems? Why don’t every day Americans get reality shows after being arrested? Are you a fan of Lucky Charms?
It’s been a wild St Patrick’s Day at The House on the Hill, and by that, I mean that I haven’t stopped running around chasing stories. I thought this was supposed to be a holiday! Maybe I need a Shamrock Shake to unwind…