The reports that have been coming in across the state of Maine are both horrifying and gruesome. The Zombie Problem, which Governor LePage had assured us was under control, has gotten completely out of hand after a weekend rampage that has not only swelled the Zombies’ bellies, but their numbers as well.
Drunk residents, who passed out in public places after drinking too much on St. Patrick’s Day, became a feast for the brain craving undead. Parks, streets, alleys, water fountains…all became the setting for a statewide, all you can eat Zombie Buffet.
Governor LePage has called in the National Guard and the Professional Zombie Hunters Association has sprung into action, but it might already be too late. Hundreds of Mainers have been reported missing and are believed to have become Zombie food. Many of the missing are believed to have been turned into Walkers.
LePage has issued a 7:00pm curfew and has temporarily suspended the sale of alcohol. Residents are advised to stay in their homes, and if they do venture outside, they should be armed and should not travel alone.
Maine’s Otherworldly Residents have joined the fight to quell the Zombie Uprising. It is no secret that Zombies are hated by Maine’s other “unique” beings because they are the only ones who make a practice of eating Mainers.
In the past half hour alone, I have seen a dozen Intergalactic Fighters fly overhead with their lasers blasting. Gargoyles are also circling the skies overhead, and a trio of Giants with large nets in tow, just made their way down my block.
“We hope to have the problem under control by the time the blizzard hits tomorrow,” the Governor promised. “The last thing we want are rampaging Zombies loose in a snowstorm. That will motivate them to break into homes and eat you in your sleep.”
Governor LePage urged all Mainers to make sure that their drunk friends and relatives were brought inside tonight. He understood that this was a lot to ask, but in times like this, we all have to do our part to keep Maine safe.
I am so glad I’m not a drinker…