What Would Christmas Want From Us?

Christmas, Christmas Spirit, hoiday season, merry, joy, philosophy, humor, Modern PhilosopherIt’s the first Friday night of December, Modern Philosophers, which means we are crawling ever closer to the first day of Spring!

Yes, I’m taking this being positive thing very seriously if I can see December 2 as being anywhere near Spring.

Maybe it’s the Christmas Spirit.  I invited it to possess me, and perhaps it took me up on the offer.  I knew I wouldn’t exactly get an RSVP, but I figured it wouldn’t hit me without some kind of warning.

I did catch myself humming a Christmas carol at work today, and I asked my boss permission to paint the links of the desk chain red and green.  No word back yet if that’ request has been approved.

Sure, it might still be a little too early to feel aglow in the Christmas Spirit, but I thought that we would decorate the Think Tank tonight to help it feel more like Christmas.  So when you come by the Friday Night Think Tank tonight, please bring an ornament, a string of lights, or something to make the place look more festive.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

Are we all ready to to bring the merry and the joy and the jingle bells in addition to our Deep Thoughts to the Think Tank tonight?

This week’s topic: Everyone is so caught up in what they want for Christmas, but has anyone ever considered what Christmas might want from us?

Even thought I have lost most of my excitement for Christmas, I have to admit that it still does get to me.

Frankenstein, Christmas, commercial, No Place Like Home For The Holidays, philosophy, humor, Modern PhilosopherI love the Christmas carols, I enjoy wandering the neighborhood in search of homes decked out in Christmas lights, and I so look forward to watching all the Christmas Specials.

This year, I’m a huge fan of that commercial where Frankenstein sings “There’s No Place Like Home For The Holidays”.  It gets me every time.  If you haven’t seen it, YouTube it and let me know what you think.

As for what I think Christmas would want from us if we ever took the time to bother to ask, I’d say Christmas would want us all to be this merry, kind, giving, festive, and jolly for the entire year.

Imagine how much better life would be if we treated each other like Christmas was just around the corner every day of the year?

And eggnog was available 24/7?

Joy to the world, a better life has come!

If the Christmas Spirit could last at least through Winter, I know I’d enjoy the season much more.  I honestly don’t think the snow and cold would bother me as much if there were Christmas lights up, Christmas movies to watch, Christmas carols on the radio, and everyone was in a damn good mood and wearing ugly Christmas sweaters.

I say we try it one year.  A noble Christmas experiment.  Who’s with me?

Enjoy the weekend!  I hope the spirit of whichever Winter holiday you celebrate begins to possess you and makes your life a little brighter and merrier.

Merry Deep Thoughts to all, and to all a good night!

Get on my Nice List this Christmas by following my blog.  Why not follow me on Pinterest, too, while you’re at it?

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Christmas Spirit

Christmas, Christmas Spirit, merry, joy, happiness, poem, poetry, Modern PhilosopherAs the calendar turns

Once again

To December,

My not so

Secret wish

Is that

My empty heart

Be filled anew

With Christmas Spirit.

Maine can be

So cold and dark

In the days

Leading up

To Christmas.

The House on the Hill

Feels more empty

Than usual.

Time for a change.

The Christmas Spirit

Is cordially invited

To make itself

At home.

I wonder

How much different

December would feel

If I were

Suddenly possessed

By the only spirit

I would

Ever allow

To take over

My body.

In the darkest recesses

Of my scattered memory,

I seem to recall

Being overcome

With happiness and joy

Every December

As Christmas approached.

Of course,

What child

Doesn’t grow wild

With anticipation

Of Santa’s arrival?

As an adult,

Christmas means

So much more

When there’s

Somebody special

To spoil with presents,

And kiss lovingly

Beneath the mistletoe.

Does the

Christmas Spirit

Bypass

Single adults?

I hope that’s

Not the case

Because this year,

I’d like to be

More Buddy the Elf

Than Ebeneezer Scrooge.

Oh, great Christmas Spirit,

I open my heart

And mind

To thee.

Please make visions

Of sugar plums

Dance in my head.

I know

I might never again

Be able

To appreciate

Christmas

Like I did

As a boy,

But I’m not dead yet.

Come to me,

Christmas Spirit,

So I might merrily remember

Why I once loved

This holiday

So much…

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Trump: Santa’s Elves Stealing American Jobs

Christmas, Santa's Elves, Donald Trump, Santa Claus, North Pole, toy production, politics, humor, satire, Modern PhilosopherI think there’s an excellent chance that President Elect Trump was the Grinch or Ebeneezer Scrooge in a previous life, Modern Philosophers.

I say this because today, Trump spoke out against a minority that had, to this point, escaped his wrath…

Santa’s Elves.

“America is losing jobs every day to foreigners willing to do the work cheaper in another country,” Trump explained from his golden throne in Trump Tower.  “Right now, the worst offenders are Santa Claus’ Elves.”

“I mean, I don’t even know what country the North Pole is in, but my people, and they’re the best people around because I only surround myself with the best, assure me that it is not America.  Sorry, Santa, I know you love your dirt cheap foreign labor, but if you want to keep delivering toys to America on Christmas, you’re going to need to set up your workshop right here in the USA!”

Trump paused here to allow his sycophants to hoot and holler with delight, while his daughter Ivanka fed him grapes peeled by Ted Cruz.

“Look, I know that taking such a hard line stance against Santa Claus and his army of non-American workers is going to land me on the Naughty List, but I don’t care,” Trump declared as Mike Pence gave him milk from a giant gold chalice.

Donald Trump, Christmas, Santa's Elves, Santa Claus, jobs, economy, politics, humor, Modern Philosopher“I have all I could ever want.  Look around, everything is made of gold.  I was going to dress up Chris Christie as a toy soldier and have him guard the Christmas tree, but now I’m going to have him dipped in gold and make him stand atop the tree.  And you know where I’ll have that done?  In America because I’m all about creating jobs and making America great again!”

When asked if Santa Claus was open to the idea of relocating his workshop from the North Pole to America, our next President just laughed.

“He doesn’t get to decide.  I’m the most powerful man in the world.  He’s not only going to do what I tell him to do, he’s also going to pay for the cost of building the new workshop and training all his new American employees.”

So Santa’s Elves will not be allowed to come to America to continue working the only job they’ve ever had?

“What would be the point?” Trump laughed and motioned for security to remove the reporter who had asked the question.  “Santa’s Elves are not Americans.  They’re not going to be allowed in this country, and I’m certainly not going to let them continue to take food right out of the mouths of starving Americans who can’t find work because Obama totally ruined the economy.”

More cheering from Trump’s sycophants.

Santa's Elves, Santa Claus, North Pole, Santa's Workshop, Donald Trump, politics, jobs, Christmas, humor, satire, Modern PhilosopherDon’t the Elves have any say in their future?

“Hey, if they don’t like it,” Trump countered, “then they should’ve voted for Hillary.”

But how could they have voted if they’re not American citizens?

“Ask crooked Hillary.  The Democrats had millions of illegal votes cast.  I’m sure they could’ve gotten out the Elf vote, too.”

Once it became obvious that there would be no logical responses to questions, and that reporters would not be allowed to touch anything made of gold or containing Trump’s DNA, the press corps dispersed.

I put in a quick call to the North Pole to get Santa’s opinion on all this.

“Ho, ho, ho!  Ho, ho, ho!  That’s a good one, Austin,” Santa replied merrily in response to my questions.  “You really do have any incredible imagination.”

It took the longest time for me to convince Santa Claus that I wasn’t joking, and that President Elect Trump fully intended to ditch the Elves and move Santa’s workshop to somewhere in America.

Santa Claus, Santa's Elves, Christmas, Donald Trump, jobs, Make America Great Again, satire, humor, politics, Modern Philosopher“That’s never going to happen,” Not So Jolly Old St. Nick assured me.

I reminded Santa that this was exactly what people used to say when discussing Donald Trump’s chances of becoming President of the United States.

“I’m going to have my people call Trump’s people to make it clear that no one tells Kris Kringle where he works or who works for him,” Santa declared defiantly.  “He is picking a fight with the wrong hombre, and he will regret it.”

While I’d like to believe that Santa Claus will win out in the end, I just can’t clear my mind of the image of Santa’s sleigh being shot out of the air on Christmas Eve by missiles launched on the command of President Scrooge.

Bah Humbug to this idea, Mr. Grinch.  Find another way to make America great again!

Follow me on Pinterest or you might find coal in your stocking…

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Monday Night Eggnog Society: 11-28-16

Monday, coffee, eggnog, humor, Christmas, philosophy, Modern PhilosopherI think it’s time to admit, Modern Philosophers, that the Monday Morning Coffee Club is dead.  I’ve tried to keep it alive via late night Monday posts, but it’s just not the same.  No one wants coffee and Deep Thoughts at the end of a rough day.

So it’s time to form a new club.  Something bigger and better, though.  Perhaps a society because that’s what we’ve become, haven’t we?

I welcome you all to the first gathering of the Monday Night Eggnog Society!

The eggnog is my little nod to Christmas, which is less than a month away.  The time has come to deck this blog with joy, bright lights, Christmas decorations, and Christmas Spirit.

Fa la la la la la la la la!

I’m even wearing my red and green toga with the giant drawing of Rudolph on the front.  Yes, the red nose does light up, but only when someone catches me under the mistletoe and gives me a kiss.  Who’d like to see how it works?

Despite my infusion of Christmas Spirit, it was just another average Monday at The House on the Hill.  I recently got home from a long day of work, and I’m looking forward to making a nice dinner and watching The Walking Dead.  Yes, Modern Philosophers, I find the Zombie Apocalypse quite soothing after being chained to my desk all day and feeling my brain slowly melting from lack of use.

At least I’ve got this big glass of eggnog to lift my spirits.  Yum!  Is there anyone reading this who doesn’t actually like eggnog?

Monday, Eggnog, Christmas, Christmas Spirit, humor, Modern PhilosopherLet me know, and I’ll have the interns whip up some hot cocoa for next week’s meeting.

Did you all find some time this weekend to read the first of my Christmas posts?  They were a blast to write, and I really needed them to make my days merry and bright.  If you haven’t gotten to them yet, there’s one on Saturday and Sunday.

When I first started this blog, many Christmases ago, I loved the challenge of writing a new Christmas post every day of December.  There are some classics in the archives, and I will probably dust some off to share again.

In honor of Rachel, aka The Girl Who Moved Away, I even tossed in a few Hanukah posts.  I’m sure Hanukah Harry will stop by The House on the Hill for a visit this year as well.  He always brings my favorite foods, so I’m looking forward to his arrival.

I know I won’t be able to maintain my Christmas post-a-day pace this year, but I will do my best to fill the blog with humorous, merry, positive Christmas stories.

Are there any Christmas tales you’d like me to cover this year?  I’m pretty tight with Santa Claus, so I can get you some insight about life at The North Pole.  Just let me know, and I will do my best to make your Christmas blog wishes come true.

Well, my tummy is rumbling and I can hear the Zombies moaning, so let me wrap up this little present and put a bow on it.  Merry Monday to all, and to all a goodnight!

Follow me on Pinterest.  That might make it easier for you to figure out what to buy me for Christmas this year..

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Deck the Halls With Flames and Pitchforks

Christmas, Christmas decorations, short story, The Devil, Hell, writing, fiction, flash fiction, humor, Modern Philosopher“I come bearing tidings of comfort and joy!” The Devil announced as he strolled confidently into the living room of The House on the Hill in an outfit that I would have to describe as “Pimp Santa”.

As always, he wore an impeccably tailored suit, but this one was fire engine red with white pinstripes.  It was accessorized with a red fedora and a walking stick.

“What is going on here?” I asked with a chuckle.  “Did you raid Santa Claus’ wardrobe?  He is going to put you on the Naughty List for sure for that one!”

Lucifer laughed politely and even did a little twirl to give me a full view of his ensemble.  Then he tapped his walking stick on the living room floor, and it magically transformed into his much more recognizable pitchfork.

“I allowed you to wallow in your Thanksgiving funk because I know the first holiday after heartbreak is horrible,” he explained.  “In fact, I’m considering building a new ring of Hell with a holiday breakup theme.  The holiday has passed, however, and I’m not going to allow you to ruin the most wonderful time of the year.”

The Prince of Darkness tapped his pitchfork on the floor (take it easy on my hardwoods, buddy!) and three of the ugliest, smelliest Demons ever to crawl out of the depths of Hell materialized in front of the living room windows.

The Demons drooled all over the floor, but I did my best to ignore that.  I was much more intrigued by the boxes they clutched tightly in their claws.

“Are those Christmas decorations?” I asked as my voice cracked like a teenager’s due to how surprised I was by the circumstances.

Christmas, Christmas decorations, short story, The Devil, holidays, humor, Modern Philosopher“Yes, Austin, those are Christmas decorations,” Satan confirmed.  “We’re going to deck your halls, vanquish the funk, and fill The House on the Hill with a little Christmas spirit!”

I was befuddled and took a long sip of my Snapple to buy myself some time to ponder this.

“You celebrate Christmas?” I asked in utter confusion.  “You realize that the holiday celebrates the birth of Jesus, the son of your former boss?  I know you didn’t exactly leave that job on the best of terms.”

“The Nuns taught you well,” The Devil joked as he walked his pitchfork over to the corner where it always rested during his visits.  “I happen to be a huge fan of the holiday, but not because of the birthday.  I love it because it promotes greed, selfishness, debauchery, and very, very bad choices.  This is the kind of behavior that makes my job much easier.”

I looked over at the Demons with some concern, and my guest noticed the pool of drool forming at their feet.  With a snap of his fingers, the Demons and the drool vanished, leaving behind only the boxes of Christmas decorations.

“Thanks,” I said sincerely as I tossed him a Snapple.  “I was beginning to worry that Demon drool might be acidic and eat through my floors.”

Christmas, Christmas tree, Christmas decorations, short story, The Devil, humor, Modern Philosopher“If you don’t want to bring up the artificial tree from the basement, I could summon some better housebroken Demons to deliver a gorgeous real tree,” Lucifer offered.  “There’s a great forest in Norway where I get all my Christmas trees…”

He sat down on his end of the couch, and I just studied him for a moment.  His outfit was ridiculous, but his intentions were so sweet.

“I just can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you celebrate Christmas,” I admitted when I finally looked away and turned my attention to the boxes.  “That’s like finding out that God draws upside down pentagrams near the Pearly Gates.”

“Does this mean that you’ll help me decorate the place?” The Prince of Darkness asked excitedly.  “I even brought a stocking for me.  No pressure on you to fill it with gifts, but I won’t be disappointed if you do.  Christmas is on a Sunday, so I am looking forward to spending it here and celebrating a traditional Christmas.”

Christmas, Christmas decorations, Christmas tree, Christmas Spirit, short story, The Devil, Modern Philosopher“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m in!”

Satan’s eyes lit up brighter than the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center.  While this was all very strange, something about it also felt so right.

Follow me on Pinterest, and maybe The Devil will have a Norwegian Spruce delivered to your house for Christmas…

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Thanksgiving Leftovers

Thanksgiving, leftovers, food, poetry, humor, Modern PhilosopherThanksgiving and I

Are currently

Not speaking.

That does not mean,

However,

That we can’t

Call a momentary truce

While I

Merrily

Raid the fridge

For leftovers.

Look at all

Those plastic containers.

Filled with treats

Just for me.

And for you,

Reading this

At home.

Gather them now.

The time

Has come!

Join me

In celebrating

The Feast of Thanksgiving Leftovers!

Plenty of mayo

On fresh white bread.

Pile on

A ridiculous amount

Of turkey.

There’s no such thing

As too much.

Add some gravy.

The stuffing

Comes next.

That’s really

The key

To the entire sandwich.

Once the stuffing

Is in place…

Add more!

Another layer

Of gravy.

This bad boy

Is gonna get messy.

Don’t forget

The cranberry sauce.

Pack it all down.

Nice and compact.

You can’t eat it,

If it won’t fit into

Your salivating mouth.

The trick is

Not to eat

Your sandwich

Too quickly.

Leftovers

Are meant

To be

Savored.

While Thanksgiving

Is all about

Giving thanks,

Spending time with

Loved ones,

And being a part

Of something

Far bigger

Than you,

Leftovers

Are only

About you.

Take your time.

Enjoy the silence.

There’s no one around

To distract you,

Or rush you through

Your meal.

It’s just you

And the Thanksgiving leftovers.

Be thankful,

As always,

That you made

Way too much food

For one meal!

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Santa Claus Announces Toys For Trump Program

Santa Claus, Christmas, Donald Trump, humor, satire, Modern PhilosopherThings have been a little depressing around The House on the Hill lately, Modern Philosophers, so I lit up like a Christmas tree today when I received a Skype call from my favorite resident of the North Pole.

“Santa!” I shouted merrily at my laptop.  “How are you?”

“A lot better than you’ve been apparently, Austin.  Ho, ho ho!” Santa bellowed and then winked.

“I guess you would know, since you see me when I’m sleeping and awake,” I replied.  “Speaking of which, have you noticed if I’ve been sleepwalking again?”

“I can review the tapes, but I don’t recall seeing any such instances lately,” Santa answered and then took a sip of eggnog.  “I know you’ve been a little down, so I wanted to call to cheer you up and give you an exclusive for your blog.”

There’s nothing I could use more right now than a little good news, so I was like a kiddo on Christmas morning excitedly awaiting my present from Old St. Nick.

“What do you have for me, Santa?” I asked eagerly.

“I’ve gotten some very sad letters from children all across America asking me if I could bring them a different President for Christmas,” Santa explained.  “Unfortunately, the Constitution is very clear that the Electoral College must select the President, so as much as I’d like to help, my hands are tied on this one.”

Donald Trump, President Trump, Santa Claus, Christmas, Toys for Trump, humor, satire, politics, Modern Philosopher“Not a fan of Trump?” I asked.

“No, no, no!” Santa shouted so loudly that I could’ve heard him from the North Pole even without the assistance of Skype.  “I went to high school with Bernie Sanders, so I was really hoping that he would win.”

“I was feeling the Bern, too,” I admitted with a sad shrug.  “So what are you going to do for all those sad children who are looking to you to make their Christmas, and the next four years, a little merrier?”

“I’m starting a Toys for Trump campaign to help ease the pain of every good little girl and boy upset that Donald Trump is going to be the next President,” Santa told me with a smile as he nibbled on a Christmas cookie.

“How does Toys for Trump work?” I asked as I sipped a Snapple and wondered if I was too old to get in on this exciting idea.

“It’s very simple,” Santa Claus assured me.  “Any child who’s mad about President Trump will get any extra present from me this Christmas.  All they have to do is leave me a sign of some sort near the Christmas tree, and I’ll deliver a bonus gift to bring a little extra joy and happiness on Christmas morning.”

“What kind of sign do you need?” I asked because I knew that all the future Modern Philosophers reading this blog would want to know.

Christmas, Santa Claus, Donald Trump, politics, humor, satire, Modern Philosopher“They can put out pretty much anything that indicates that Donald Trump is not their choice for President.  It could be an I’m With Her ornament on the tree, a pantsuit hanging next to the Christmas stockings, anything Doc Brown related since he looks like my old school chum Bernie, or even a crushed orange or a smashed pumpkin,” Santa suggested.

That final suggestion made me laugh so hard that my belly shook like a bowl full of jelly.

I assured Santa Claus that I would definitely spread the word, and thanked him for trying to make the country a little merrier during such a dark time.

“I don’t want America to have a blue Christmas,” Santa replied with a heavy sigh.  “You might be having an orange Christmas, but I’m not going to let it be blue.”

North Pole, Santa Claus, Christmas, Donald Trump, politics, humor, satire, Modern PhilosopherIronically, if more states had voted blue, we’d be having a much merrier Christmas and a happier next four years.

Santa urged me to be jollier, and then then I heard him exclaim, as he signed off from Skype, “Merry Christmas to all.  You can still impeach him, right?”

Santa is more likely to move you from the Naughty List to the Nice List if you sign up to follow my blog and then check me out on Pinterest…

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