Would You Want To Be A Ghost?

ghosts, philosophy, humor, Modern PhilosopherDeep Thoughts are always banging around in my head, Modern Philosophers.

When I’m running, one such thought tends to rise to the top of the mental pile for me to obsess over as I’m racking up the miles.

Today was no exception.  Appropriately, this morning’s Deep Thought floated to the top of the grey matter just as I was passing the town line and running into Stephen King’s neck of the woods.

Would I want to be a ghost?

Of course, such thoughts are never cut and dry for me.  Especially when I’m pushing myself to run further than I have since my return from injury.

So I really let this one simmer in my brain stew before I came up with an answer.  And I turned it into something of an Afterlife Game Show.

I pictured myself being greeted by the Angel of Death, who held one of those long, skinny microphones like Gene Rayburn used on The Match Game.  He pointed to two white doors that stood out against the black backdrop of eternal nothingness.

The choice was simple: Select Door #1 and haunt the place of my choosing for the next century.  Select Door #2 and enter whatever waited for me in the Afterlife.

ghosts, philosophy, humor, Modern PhilosopherI’m not a big fan of change, Modern Philosophers.  While death is a major change from life, I could make things as close to normal as possible by electing to haunt The House on the Hill as a ghost for the next hundred years.

I feel completely at home there, I’m used to being alone, and if I can survive a Maine winter there, I can survive death there, too.

I have no idea what’s behind Door #2, and that makes me anxious.  For the record, I’m certain that even in death, I would have all my phobias and anxieties.  Heaven could be waiting for me, but Hell could be there, too.  Or purgatory.

Worse yet, what if there was nothing behind Door #2?  What if I stepped through the door, and it was just eternal nothingness?

At least if I chose the ghost option, I’d be assured of ten decades of something.

Since I don’t like change, having to remain in the same place for one hundred years speaks to me.  And I wouldn’t necessarily pick The House on the Hill, either.  Maybe I’d pick Yankee Stadium, so I could watch my favorite team every year.  Perhaps I’d haunt a movie theater so I can keep my inner Movie Nerd satisfied (and enjoy Milk Duds).

ghosts, philosophy, humor, Modern PhilosopherRegardless of what location I chose, I don’t think I’d have to worry about being bored with the same surroundings day after day.  If anything, that would soothe me.

I’m not a people person, so an enticing perk of the ghost option would be the chance to scare people.

I’m not saying I’d go full Beetlejuice, and spend my time driving people out of whatever location I decided to haunt, but I’d certainly have fun spooking them, giving them insomnia, and making them question their sanity.

Just because I’m dead, doesn’t mean that I can’t still be creative.  Coming up with new and unique ways to haunt a house will please my Inner Writer.  And definitely keep me amused for my haunted century.

ghosts, philosophy, humor, Modern PhilosopherI guess I’m not sold on the fact that there is life after death (please don’t tell the Nuns I said that!), and even if there is, I’ve got absolutely no idea what’s waiting for me.

Plus, being a ghost sounds cool.  How could I possibly pass up on such an opportunity?

What about you, Modern Philosophers?  Would you want to be a ghost?

Posted in Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Character Actors

short story, flash fiction, humor, writing, Modern PhilosopherSince I live alone, I’m always scared half to death whenever a voice addresses me at a time when I should be the only one at The House on the Hill.

“I was wondering if you had a second to talk,” the mystery voice inquired from the doorway of my living room.

I looked up from my book to discover a handsome young man, probably in his late teens or early twenties, smiling at me.  He looked very familiar with his slightly crooked glasses, messy brown hair, and NYU sweatshirt, but I couldn’t quite put a name to his face.

Nor did I know what the hell he was doing in my house.

“Do I know you?” I finally decided to ask out of all the questions that were rattling around in my head at the moment.

The stranger feigned being hurt by my not knowing who he was.

“Sure you don’t want to guess?” he asked playfully.  “I was certain the sweatshirt would be a dead giveaway.”

He pointed to the three white letters emblazoned across the purple garment on his chest, but seeing the name of my alma mater didn’t tell me who he was.

“Are you a younger version of me sent from my college days to deliver me a dire warning about the future?” was my best guess.

“I’m a little too handsome to be that, don’t you agree?” he quipped.

He had a point, and I had to nod that I concurred.

short story, flash fiction, humor, writing, Modern Philosopher“You’re close, though,” he informed me.  “I’m Cole, the lead character from the TV series you’re writing about your time in college.  Since I’m based on you, we do look alike, but the casting people are definitely going to want someone who looks less dorky. No offense.”

“None taken,” I assured him with a smile and a wave.  “So let me get this straight.  You are a fictional character from one of my scripts, who has come to life and wants to chat?”

“Bingo!” Cole replied and tapped his nose.  “I know it might sound a little farfetched, but you did bring me to life in your computer, so who’s to say you couldn’t go the same thing in real life?”

I shrugged.  “I feel like Geppetto, only with a laptop.  Do you have Jiminy Cricket hiding somewhere over there?”

Cole laughed, and it sounded disturbingly like my laugh.  Which made complete sense, seeing as how he is based on me, but it was still very weird.

“It’s obvious where I get all my witty dialogue,” Cole gushed as he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the doorway, looking right at home.

I wanted to be a good host, and offer my guest a seat, but this was all a little too much for me to process.  I decided to let him stand there, where I could keep an eye on him.

short story, flash fiction, humor, writing, Modern Philosopher“So what brings you to life, Cole?” I asked with a nervous chuckle.

“We were all talking…”

I cut him off.  “By ‘we’ do you mean all the characters in the script?”

“Sorry, for not clarifying,” he apologized.  “Yes, I am referring to the other characters in the script.  Anyway, we were just wondering what’s going on with the series.  When last we heard, you had a surprise meeting that led to big news, but since then, there’s nothing new.  We’re just getting a bit bored in your laptop, reliving the same ten episodes on a continuous loop.”

He looked at me expectantly, and I was suddenly at a loss for words.  I’d never considered what life must be like for my characters once I’d finished working on the stories in which they existed.

“Ummm, I’m sorry for the delay,” I blabbered as I tried to figure out what to say.  “I’m a bit bored, too, waiting for word on what’s next.  We left it with my contact at the TV station trying to set up a meeting with the production side of things to discuss making the Pilot.”

Cole’s eyes lit up.  “The Pilot is one of my favorite places to hang.  So much happens in that episode, and it’s fun getting to meet everyone for the first time and move into the dorm.  I think I spend the most time in the Christmas episode, though, because that’s the most wonderful time of the year.”

Again, I wasn’t sure how to respond.

“I’m glad you enjoy the world I’ve created for you…”

Cole began to pace across the living room, but remained on his side of the table, as if it were an imaginary border between, well, my sanity and insanity.

“Do you think you could press things with your guy at the TV station?” he finally asked as he picked up the pace on his pacing.  “I mean, we all love the world you’ve made for us, but we’re getting cabin fever.  I’m sure you can only imagine how it’s affecting some of the other characters.”

He didn’t have to give me names.  I knew exactly who he meant.  It was like Cole and I shared a mind and I knew exactly what he was thinking.

“I could try that,” I promised.  “I’ll email him again.”

short story, flash fiction, humor, writing, Modern PhilosopherCole stopped pacing and smiled at me.  “That would be awesome.  Maybe you could send him this blog post to read.  He might see it as a very creative way of checking on the status of the project.”

I nodded in agreement.  I liked the way this kid thinks.  “Can’t hurt.  It might help for him to see how passionate the characters are about getting this series made.”

“We totally are,” Cole nodded from a few feet away, and it was like I was looking in a mirror, only the mirror was reflecting images from thirty years in the past.  “We’re also very anxious for you to start writing new episodes.”

“To give you something new to do?” I asked, but already knew the answer.

“Exactly,” Cole confirmed.  “We’ve all read the notes you’ve made on Season Two, and we love what you have in mind for us.  We are especially excited about the new location you noted.  It will be cool to have another place to spend time.  Things are a bit limited in Season One.”

I nodded and sighed.  “Sorry about that.  I just wanted to keep the budget low, so I only used a few locations.  My hope is that Season One will be such a success, that there will be a much larger budget for future seasons.”

“That would be awesome!” Cole replied with a fist pump.  “New York is such a cool city, but you rarely let me wander off the campus…”

“It’s for your own good,” I countered.  “New York is a dangerous city, and the last thing I want is for anything to happen to you, or to any of your friends.”

We looked at each other for a moment while that sank in, and then we burst into laughter at the exact same moment.

“How come only you came out to visit?” I asked once the laughter had subsided.

Cole shrugged and went back to leaning against the doorway.  “We thought this would be the least freaky of all circumstances, since I’m merely an extension of you.  The idea was that this would be almost like talking to yourself.”

short story, flash fiction, humor, writing, Modern Philosopher“Can other characters appear if I wanted?” I asked hopefully.

“I know what you’re thinking, but that wouldn’t be a good idea,” Cole sounded almost like he was scolding me.

“What do you mean?” I asked defensively.

“We both know that one of the characters in the series is basically your dream woman.  You’re wondering if she could come to life, fall in love with you, and solve all the single life problems that have been haunting you since your divorce.”

Cole looked at me like he dared me to tell him he was wrong.

“It’s not the most ridiculous idea, and given how dating has been going for me, it very well might be the best idea,” I stated confidently.

“I wouldn’t hold my breath,” Cole suggested.  “This little incident is probably just a result of your being overtired and falling asleep on the couch while watching football.  When you wake up, I’ll be back in your laptop where I belong.”

I could feel my shoulders sag at that revelation.  As strange at this conversation had been, I was really enjoying Cole’s company.

short story, flash fiction, humor, writing, Modern Philosopher“I’ll do everything in my power to get this series made, and then get them to agree to a second season,” I gave Cole my word.

“Thanks,” he answered with a charming smile.  “Send this post to your friend at the TV station, and I bet it gets the ball rolling.”

And with that, I awakened to discover one of the kitties licking my face, the football game on the TV, and no one else in the living room with me.  The weirdest things happen to me sometimes, but I’m not complaining…

Posted in Humor, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Putting My Running Injury In Check

running, fitness, health, humor, Modern PhilosopherMy slow, boring spiral into a life as a couch potato nearly drove me to madness, Modern Philosophers!

I’m the first to admit that running isn’t my favorite activity.  However, when I had it taken away from me by my nagging (annoying) foot injury, I realized that I kind of needed it in my life on a regular basis to keep from going stir crazy.

After one week of inactivity, which included daily rehab exercises and the ingesting of ibuprofen to conquer the enemy in my foot, I finally took the first step towards a full recovery on Tuesday morning.

For the record, my quick return was also partially inspired by the taunting of a colleague who had (finally) passed me for the top position on our company Wellness app.  I wasn’t just going to sit around and allow that to go unchallenged.

If I needed crutches, I was getting back out on the river walk path!

Don’t worry, though.  I was smart about my return to the running ranks.  I set the bar very low, and had no goal other than to survive the run without re-aggravating my injury.

Or ending up crying and curled up in the fetal position on my favorite running path.

On Tuesday, I did a slow and steady 1.5 miles.

On Wednesday, I picked up the pace a little and did 2.25 miles.  It was only supposed to be 2, but I felt good, so I decided to get all daring and whatnot.

running, fitness, health, humor, Modern PhilosopherAfter both runs, my foot was a little sore, but the pain level was nowhere near where it had been the previous week.  Added bonus, I was able to walk without a ridiculous limp.

I continued to ice my foot, do my rehab exercises, and take my ibuprofen.

Even though my regular schedule is to run again on Thursday, I was hesitant to put my injured foot to the test for a third consecutive day.

So I decided I would walk down to the river, and then do some interval training along the path.  Run a little, walk, run a little further, etc.  That sounded like the safest plan because the last thing I wanted was to be on the shelf again with a bum foot.

But as is wont to happen in my world, I didn’t stick to the outline.  I refused to return to couch potato status, and I could still hear my colleague’s taunts about passing me on the Wellness app.  Man, those voices in my head really need to mind their own business!

I ended up running 2.5 miles, stopping only twice for very short walking breaks.  And I didn’t even need those breaks, but only took them because I had told myself I wouldn’t push it on Day 3.  (I guess I managed to stick to the outline a little!)

Even after a third straight day of running with an increased distance, my foot felt fine.  Just a little soreness was the only reminder that I’d even been injured.

I stuck to my schedule and kept Friday as an off day, but I was right back at it this morning.  My goal today was to push myself to 3 miles.

Obviously, I ran more than that.  (Are you even surprised????)  I put 3.25 miles under my belt, and I completed my sweaty journey without incident.  Hell, I returned to The House on the Hill and immediately mowed the lawn.

running, fitness, health, humor, Modern PhilosopherEven after all that activity, my foot did not fall off, the massive pain did not return, and there was no limp.

I’m not going to say I’m cured because that would only jinx me, but My Inner Runner is back.  And he’s sweatier than ever!

Posted in Fitness, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Ben Franklin Contingency

flash fiction, dating, humor, Modern PhilosopherMark and Ian, a couple of thirtysomething guys, sat across from each other at the table next to the front window of the coffee shop.

It was raining pretty hard, and since they both liked the rain, they’d chosen their seats so they could keep one eye on the storm.

“Didn’t you say you were going to try a new dating app?” Ian asked before taking a sip of his coffee.

Mark shrugged.  “Yeah. I tried it, but it’s not working very well.”

Ian raised an eyebrow.  “What do you mean?”

“I’m not getting any matches or messages,” Mark revealed with a heavy sigh.  “I’m pretty sure I know what the problem is, but I’m not sure how to fix it.”

Ian smiled.  “I’m pretty good with apps. Maybe I can help…”

They paused to admire the bolt of lightning that lit up the afternoon sky.

“The problem seems to be that I’m using a photo of me as my profile picture,” Mark explained.  “I think that’s keeping women from replying, and I’m not sure what fake photo to use to get past that issue.”

Ian chuckled and stirred his coffee.  “There’s not much I can do to help there.”

“But you can still help,” Mark chirped hopefully.  “How about setting me up again?”

A rumble of thunder made it sound like the gods were opposed to this idea.

“I would, but I don’t have anyone to set you up with, buddy,” he replied in a soft voice without making eye contact.

flash fiction, dating, humor, Modern Philosopher“How about your sister?” Mark suggested excitedly as you emptied two packs of sugar into his coffee and stirred vigorously.

Ian stared across at him with a mix of anger and fear in his eyes.

“My sister is too young for you,” he snapped.

“Five years isn’t too young,” Mark insisted.  “Come on, dude.  I’ve had a crush on her for ages.  Don’t you want to be my brother-in-law?”

“There’s also the issue of her being married,” Ian added as lightning once again illuminated the sky.

“Still?” Mark asked as his shoulders slumped.  “That guy from the wedding seemed like a real boring prick.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Ian shot back with a shrug.

“You need to make new friends,” Mark offered a brilliant idea to solve the problem.  “New friends who are single, attractive women.  They don’t even need to be that attractive.  Just willing to go out with me.”

Ian turned to look out at the rain.  “Why would I want new friends when the ones I already have are so amazing and not at all demanding?”

Mark flipped him the bird.  “At this point, I bet I have a better chance of walking out into that storm and getting struck by lightning, than I do of finding a date.”

Ian nodded slowly like he was giving that some thought.  “I’d have to agree with you there. In fact, I think you should do it because the mere act will exponentially increase your chances of meeting someone new.”

Now Mark raised an eyebrow.  “How so?”

“If you stand out there in a torrential downpour, and jumped around and waved your arms like you were calling out for the lightning to strike you, I bet people would find that intriguing enough to approach you and ask what you’re doing.”

flash fiction, dating, humor, Modern PhilosopherMark nodded in emphatic agreement.  “And the odds are that some of those people would be single women.”

“Bingo!” Ian exclaimed.  “You know what would increase your chances even more? Dress up like Ben Franklin and go out there flying a kite with a key on the string.”

“Women love costumes and Ben Franklin and men who are adventurous!” Mark shot back as he pictured himself dressed up like the great inventor.

“And who doesn’t love a guy who flies a kite?” Ian piled on to the already crazy idea.

“If I actually get struck by lightning, that further increases my chances of meeting single women,” Mark continued.  “ENTs will be called to the scene, as well as police.  Maybe even the media since it’s just a smidge out of the ordinary, and it’s a slow news day.  Any or all of them could be women looking to date.”

“Once you get to the hospital, you’d have the staff there,” Ian kept going.  “Nurses, doctors, admissions, and the security guards who would surely be assigned to keep an eye on you in case you decided to chase after more wild weather while dressed like a founding father!”

“Then there would be visits from someone from the psych department, and most likely, an admission to the mental health unit to keep me under observation for a while,” Mark informed him.  “What better place to meet someone crazy enough to date me than in the psych ward?”

Mark slammed his fist against the table in delight, and as if on cue, the sky lit up with several more bolts of lightning.

flash fiction, dating, humor, Modern Philosopher“This is the best idea I’ve had in a long time,” Mark gushed as he chugged the rest of his coffee to prepare himself for his journey out into the storm.  “I’m so glad you were here to be a witness to it.”

Mark stood up and looked over at Ian with a odd, but genuine smile on his face.

Ian grumbled, pulled his cell phone from his jacket pocket, opened up something on his screen, and then handed it across to Mark.

Mark looked at the photo of the attractive woman on the screen and smiled, as he slowly sat down again.

“What’s her name?”

“Colleen,” Ian told him.  “She started in my office a couple of weeks ago.  I told her about you, showed her a few photos, and she’s totally up for going out with you.”

There was a loud rumble of thunder as Mark passed the phone back to his friend.

“You were really going to make me go out into that storm weren’t you?” Mark asked with a wise ass grin on his face.

“I do enjoy seeing how far you’d go to guilt me into stetting you up on a date,” Ian admitted and then smiled devilishly.

flash fiction, dating, humor, Modern Philosopher“You’re a good friend,” Mark assured him.  “Even if you did let your sister marry that ass hat just so to keep her from going out with me.”

“I’d do almost anything for my friends, but let’s not get crazy,” Ian advised with a wink.

Posted in Dating, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

One Foot Equals Two Tons Of Anguish

running, fitness, injury, humor, Modern PhilosopherI’ve always been good with numbers, units of measurement, and conversions, Modern Philosophers.  That’s why I’m so proud to announce that I’ve come up with a new unit and conversion.

I’m calling it the Monkey Boy Metric, in honor or my enormous Monkey Boy feet.

In this unit of measure, one foot is equal to two tons of anguish.

I have gigantic feet, which require size fifteen shoes to keep them contained and out of the view of the public (which is where all feet belong if you ask me!).

I hate feet, and believe that they are the grossest part of the body.  I have accepted that feet are necessary to keep me upright, and to help me move along, but that doesn’t mean I have to like them, or ever want to see yours.

Some people require that guests remove their shoes upon entering their homes.  I, on the other hand, make guests put on a second pair of shoes to ensure there isn’t a freak wardrobe malfunction that would lead to my seeing anyone’s feet.

I’m getting totally off topic here, while simultaneously grossing myself out.  Time to reel this in and regain my focus.

As much as I dislike feet, I never expected that part of my body to turn on me.  My guess would have been my spleen or appendix.  Possibly a hamstring.

running, fitness, injury, humor, Modern PhilosopherBut betray me they did.  I haven’t been able to run for the past four days.  Hell, I’ve barely been able to walk.

All because I’m in so much pain.

Based on the above pain scale, I’d say I’ve been redder than a Maine lobster, which is probably a Spinal Tap-esque 11.

I went for my usual run on Tuesday, but when I woke up on Wednesday, a pain so severe shot through my right foot that I immediately Googled “How to amputate your right foot”.

I quickly did a second search of “How to amputate your right foot without having to look at it because feet are gross”.

Luckily, I’m not one to be impulsive.  Plus, I did not have a guillotine handy.

running, fitness, injury, humor, Modern PhilosopherSeeing as how I am King Klutz, I assumed I did something in my sleep to injure myself.

After all, I do have some pretty vivid dreams and nightmares, so for all I knew, I could’ve  run a few miles in my sleep, or sprinted around the house to avoid the frightening creature chasing me in my mind.

I am surrounded by medical professionals and runners, though, so they were able to come up with a more logical explanation for my excruciating pain.

The general consensus was that I caught that annoying plantar faciitis bug that has been going around lately.  Runners are far more likely catch it than couch potatoes, so for once, being active was not better for my health.

Of course, I had millions of troubling thoughts about this diagnosis.  First off, I was under the impression that only fascists could become infected with this malady.  Now I know the ailment doesn’t discriminate according to political leanings.

I also needed to know if there was any way to treat it, or if I had to live with the pain until my foot eventually turned purple, withered up, and then fell off.  The one thing I had going for me in this scenario was that it would most likely take years for such an enormous foot to wither away.

In addition, I was concerned that my always lofty step count was going to drop so precipitously on my fitness app that it might scream past zero and end up in the negative end of the number line.

All very justified thoughts at a time in my life when I couldn’t really think straight because the only thoughts bouncing around my head were related to how the pain in my foot could possibly be getting any worse.

running, fitness, injury, humor, Modern PhilosopherTo my great relief, plantar faciitis is rarely fatal, and never leads to a foot falling off.

There are also many ways to treat it without having to deal with my anxiety of going to the doctor.

So for the past few days, I have been rolling around a baseball under my desk with my foot.  I’ve also been rolling around a frozen water bottle.

Or is it a bottle of frozen water?  Or a bottle of ice?  Like I said earlier, I’m not really thinking clearly because of the pain.

I’ve also been standing on an ice pack, doing some stretches, and avoiding all running unless I’m being chased by something moving much faster than I.

The not running part has been a real drag.  It’s not my favorite activity, but it has become a part of my daily routine.  And I have to admit, the falling step count is a bummer.

My foot does feel much better today, but there is still pain, so no running.  I actually even drove to the library today, rather than walking, just so that I wouldn’t make things worse.

Plus, I’m tired of hobbling around like some sinister henchman from a 1940s Film Noir, and I didn’t want to start associating books and reading with pain and anguish.

running, fitness, injury, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo the plan for the weekend is to roll more baseballs and water bottles, step on some ice packs, and avoid running.  Hopefully, I will be able to get back to my usual running routine next week and accumulate steps again like a man with a wellness plan (obsession).

I don’t know what’s worse: being in pain, or being inactive.  They both suck pretty badly, but I guess I could have bigger problems, right?

Right now, the pain is tolerable, and I guess this gives me an excuse to be lazy and sit around watching sports on TV all weekend…

Do you have any treatment suggestions for this foot issue that is making me miserable, and preventing me from releasing copious amounts of sweat into the local environment?

Posted in Fitness, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

A Tear In The Vacation Time/Space Continuum

Back to the Future, time travel, humor, Modern PhilosopherScience has never been my strong suit, Modern Philosophers, but I’ve always had this theory that time speeds up whenever I am on vacation.

I think it has something to do with a tear in the space/time continuum, but don’t hold me to that.

Doc always refutes this theory with a chuckle, because I bring it up so often, and then he patiently explains that time moves at the exact same speed no matter what my work or vacation situation might be.

I think he’s wrong, but he’s the world famous inventor and time traveler, while I’m just a goofy guy with a Film degree, who writes about his crazy ideas.

But I still think there’s some truth to my theory.  However, I’d like to talk about new data, which skewers my hypothesis, while at the same time, manages to give some credence to the idea that time moves as different speeds given the circumstances.

As you might know, if you’ve been reading this blog faithfully, I have been on vacation for the past ten days.  I have had a very relaxing time, and I feel like my batteries have totally recharged, but once again, I could swear that time has changed speed on me.

This time, though, I feel like it has slowed down!

Back to the Future, time travel, humor, Modern PhilosopherHow is that even possible?

I’m on vacation, so time should be zipping by faster than the Flash going for a morning sprint around the world.

And yet, several times over the past few days, I’ve lost track of what day it was, and was certain that my vacation had reached its end.  So much so, that one day, I actually made my lunch for work the following day.

What black magic is this?

I’ve never enjoyed a vacation during which time slowed to a snail’s pace.  Not that I’m complaining, but my inner time traveler needs to know.

Is it a tear in the space/time continuum?  Did Captain Klutz trip again and fall into a wormhole this time?  Did I achieve such a high speed on one of my runs that I shifted into time travel mode without realizing it?

Of course, I could be looking at this all the wrong way.  Perhaps I unwittingly discovered the secret formula for slowing down time.  Every day of my vacation has been spent pretty much the same way: sleep in, go for a run, read out on the porch, write, watch the Yankees, and catch up on the shows that have accumulated on my DVR.

Back to the Future, time travel, humor, Modern PhilosopherDoes anyone see something in that pattern that could affect the speed of time?

I’ve got the team of scientists that I keep on retainer studying the data, but I fear that they might be too close to the occurrence to come to a non-biased conclusion.

Obviously, I’ll discuss this with Doc during his next visit, but who knows when that will be?  He’s off on another time traveling adventure with Clara, and could be gone for ages.

The one logical explanation for this wrinkle in the time/space continuum could be that I no longer dread what could happen to me when my vacation ends.  Back in the day, the end of vacation meant jumping back into chaos and stress, so perhaps that gave me the sensation that time was moving so quickly.

Now that I don’t mind what I’ll return to once vacation ends, maybe it just feels like time is moving at a slower pace.

Could I actually be looking forward to going back to work?  That’s a little crazy, but at the very least, I’m not anxious about it.  That’s a new concept for me, so that very well could be mimicking the sensation of time moving slower.

Isn’t it wild how life can turn on a dime?  I was so certain that this was a time travel issue that would require the expertise of my mentor and dear friend, Doc Brown.

Back to the Future, time travel, humor, Modern PhilosopherNow, however, it appears that this is a philosophical dilemma, which is right up my alley. Somebody hold my Snapple while I fetch my toga!

I guess I know how I’ll be spending the last day of vacation.  What a great way to end it!

Do you ever get the feeling that time speeds up or slows down?

Posted in Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

When Labor Day Meant Something Different

Labor Day, making friends, humor, Modern PhilosopherI don’t know about you, Modern Philosophers, but when I was a kid, I hated Labor Day because it meant it was time to go back to school.

Sure, I was a little nerd who got straight A’s, but I did not like school.  There were Nuns there, my classmates didn’t understand me, and my stepmother put so much pressure on me to be the smartest student in the class.

Needless to say, I dreaded Labor Day Weekend.  Summer was ending, and we had to pack up the summer house and head back to Brooklyn.

Did I mention that we summered on Long Island?  I’m making it sound snootier than it actually was, but my stepmother had a place on the island, so we’d spend our summers there.  My poor Dad had to commute into the city on the Long Island Railroad everyday, but the man never complained.

I, on the other hand, was never a fan of Long Island summers.  Life in Brooklyn was awkward enough without my disappearing for ten weeks.  While my classmates were bonding on the mean streets of Brooklyn, I was off not making friends with an entirely new group of kids.

It takes a lot out of a kid to be socially awkward in two completely different social groups, you know!  I would just start to get to know the Long Island kids when it was time to say goodbye until the following June.

Labor Day, making friends, humor, Modern PhilosopherThis was back in the dark ages before social media, so it’s not like I could text or keep up with my summer friends on Facebook.

And there was no way in hell my stepmother would allow me to run up the phone bill by making long distance calls to Long Island!  So, basically, any progress I made on fitting in and being a normal kid just got flushed down the toilet when we piled into the car for the drive back to Brooklyn.

I know the summers on Long Island were supposed to give me an experience that most kids growing up in Brooklyn never had.  I get that and appreciate it, but all it did was make me realize that I was horrible at making friends no matter where they might live.

At least on Long Island, I could ride around on my bike and make up stories in my head about the great adventures I wished I was having.  I fondly remember filling up a spiral notebook one summer with a Goonies kind of story about a group of kids who find treasure buried in the woods on Long Island.

Labor Day made me sad and anxious because going back to school was a lot of pressure for me.  During the summer, I could still be a quirky introvert, but I got away with it easier because I could just run off and hide.

Labor Day, making friends, humor, Modern PhilosopherWhen I was at school, there were classmates and teachers from whom I had to try to hide how awkward I was.  Have I mentioned that most of those teachers were Nuns?

On top of that, there was the soul crushing pressure of having to be a perfect student.  I just wanted to be a normal kid, who went to the park after school to play ball, learned how to talk to girls, and enjoyed life.

Instead, I had to go directly home and do my homework.  If I brought home a grade that was anything other than a perfect score, I was interrogated, for what felt like hours, about why I had failed to achieve perfection.

I never had a chance to make friends.  No one ever invited me over after school, but I guess that didn’t matter because I would not have been allowed to go.

School was my life, and the pressure of it all led to a weird list of medical issues.  Don’t even get me started about the time I fainted on the bleachers during rehearsal for the school music festival.

Because of all this, Labor Day has never been my favorite holiday.  In fact, it might very well be my least favorite holiday.

When you lose out to Arbor Day by a large margin, it’s really saying something about the negative impact you’ve had on someone’s life!

Labor Day, making friends, humor, Modern PhilosopherBut I hope you have a happy Labor Day.  I’d never want anyone to associate the holiday with the anxieties that I do, so by all means, go out and make amazing memories that you can blog about someday!

And don’t worry about me.  I don’t have to go to school on Tuesday.  I’m going to be just fine…

Is there a holiday that conjures up bad memories for you?

Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments