Junk In The Trunk

trunkI’ve said all along that April 1 is the real First Day of Spring in Maine, Modern Philosophers.

With that in mind, I thought the proper thing to do on First Day of Spring Eve was to take all the junk out of my trunk.

There’s something about Zombie Car that makes it difficult to handle in the snow.

That “thing” could be the horrible driver behind the wheel, but it actually has something to do with it being front wheel drive or rear wheel drive.  Whatever.  I’m not a car guy.

The bottom line is that I was told to put extra weight in the trunk to keep the car from skidding out and fishtailing on snowy roads.

Since the local authorities frown on putting bodies in the trunk to solve this problem, I’ve resorted to filling the trunk with giant rocks from the grounds of The House on the Hill.

That’s right, Modern Philosophers, the junk in my trunk is rock hard.

Tonight, when I parked Zombie Car in the garage, I decided it was time to dejunk (submitting that word to Webster’s now!) the trunk.

rock pileAnd so, there is now a giant pile of rocks in my garage.

That might be a photo of the pile on the left.  It might not be.  You’ll probably never know.

What I do know for sure, however, is that when I hit the road tomorrow, I’m going to be a lot lighter in the boot.  Hopefully, this will translate into better gas mileage.

I also know that it means other cars with be checking out Zombie Car’s trunk.  I’m fine with that, though.  A little attention never hurt anyone.

Since I’ve taken the junk out of my trunk, this means that it absolutely, positively cannot snow any more.  Yesterday’s little snowstorm needs to be Snow Miser’s last whimper.

From now on, the roads need to be open and clear.  I’m not going to turn into Speed Racer, or anything, but it would be nice to know that I’m not going to go slip sliding away if I have to slam on my brakes, or if I go just a smidgen above the speed limit.

The months of white knuckle driving should be in the rear view mirror now.

SpringTomorrow is April 1.

Spring will finally arrive in Maine.

Time for all Mainers to dejunk their trunks!

Goodbye, Winter.  You will not be missed…

Posted in Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy, Spring | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Easter Bunny To Deliver Dinosaur Eggs To Promote Jurassic World

Jurassic_WorldUniversal Pictures and the Easter Bunny  today announced an exciting new Holiday promotion for the upcoming release of Jurassic World, the fourth installment in the Jurassic Park series.

The film, which is scheduled to be released in June, is directed by someone other than Steven Spielberg, and stars Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard and a new batch of bad ass dinosaurs running wild at an amusement park.

When will man ever learn to stop playing God with the dinosaurs, Modern Philosophers?

Probably when the Jurassic Park flicks stop raking in major bank at the Summer Box Office.  But I digress…

The unique crossover promotion between the Holiday that celebrates the Son of God rising from the dead, and the blockbuster film about dinosaurs being brought back from extinction, focuses on the Easter Bunny delivering dinosaur eggs on Easter Sunday.

Easter Bunny“Putting together and then delivering all those Easter Baskets is a very expensive endeavor,” the Easter Bunny explained.  “I pay for most of it out of my own pocket, and The Vatican cuts me a check to help defray expenses, but as the economy continues to remain sluggish, it’s getting harder for me to cover the costs.”

That was how Universal got involved.

“I’d learned via social media that Universal really wanted to find new and original ways to promote Jurassic World,” the Easter Bunny continued, “and that’s when I came up with the idea of dinosaur eggs.”

Easter eggs are fun, but dinosaur eggs are even better!

“Peter Cottontail is a marketing genius!” Octavio DeLorean, a Universal Studios Marketing Executive, excitedly informed this Modern Philosopher.  “He can hop right on down to a position in our Marketing Department anytime he wants.”

The studio was so jazzed about the dinosaur egg idea that many of its employees converted to Christianity just so they could celebrate Easter this year.

Even Pope Francis is excited about the Jurassic World Easter promotion.  “The Easter Bunny came to me to get my blessing, of course,” The Holy Father explained to me via Skype as he enjoyed a slice of pizza.  “I am all for anything that gets children excited about religion and Christ’s resurrection.  Even at my age, I love dinosaurs, and think it’s very cool to have Easter associated with those once mighty creatures.”

The Partying Pontiff is also in discussions with Universal about hosting a special premiere of Jurassic World at The Vatican.  “I told them I would pray on it, but if they let the children come see it for free, then I don’t see how I can say no.”

The Easter Bunny made it clear that the dinosaur eggs are only candy and do not contain actual baby dinosaurs.

dinosaur eggs“The studio said they had scientists working on the real thing, but I put my foot down and told them it was absolutely out of the question,” the Easter Bunny admitted and then let out an exasperated sigh.  “Parents would hunt me down if I delivered real dinosaurs to their children.”

Jurassic World is coming to an Easter Basket near you this Sunday!

Posted in Holidays, Humor, Movies, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Pride Goeth Before The Gluttony

cakeTemptation comes in many forms, Modern Philosophers.

Today, it appeared before me in the form of a chocolate cake.  It was sitting there, in the break room at work, with a little post it note urging me to help myself.

Normally, I would’ve grabbed a plate from the cupboard and cut myself a giant hunk of cake.  Then I would’ve taken it back to my desk and devoured it.

Because nothing makes a Monday a little easier to handle than a thick slice of delicious chocolate cake.  Can I get an “Amen”?

I walked past that cake many times today.  I stopped and stared at it.  I asked coworkers who had a piece just how good it tasted.  I thought about how I could probably have some and it wouldn’t really be that bad for my diet.

But I never ate any of that cake, Modern Philosophers.

It took a great deal of self control.  It was Monday after all.  It was snowing.  I was trying desperately not to see any spoilers about last night’s episode of The Walking Dead.

Chocolate cake would have distracted me from all those issues.

But I didn’t have any cake!

I thought about how hard I’ve been working to lose weight.  I pondered on my sweaty three mile runs.  I formed Deep Thoughts on how I’ve been eating better.  I remembered how happy I was when the scale told me I’d lost weight.

goldstarSo I just looked at that chocolate cake.  I thought about it, too.

But I didn’t eat it.

Do you have an outstanding achievement to share with the group, Modern Philosophers?  Do you think it’s worth an awesome gold star?  How unbelievably delicious do you think that chocolate cake would’ve been?  Tell me!  Tell me right this second!!!

Posted in Fitness, Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

Coast Guard Rescues Maine Man From Viral Bermuda Triangle

USCG“I didn’t even realize the Coast Guard operated on land,” Andrew Harkins told this Modern Philosopher as he pulled a blanket tighter around him and sipped his tea.  “If they didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”

We were in Harkins’ living room, where he had been brought by the United States Coast Guard after a daring mid-morning rescue.

Harkins was still too shaken by the events of his morning to go into detail as to what had happened.  Thankfully, there were eye witness to fill in the gaps of his harrowing story.

After reporting to work this morning, Harkins settled into his usual Monday morning routine at his desk.  Unbeknownst to him, however, he had drifted into one of the most perilous locations in any office: The Viral Bermuda Triangle.

“Mr. Harkins had no idea of the danger he was in,” Chief Warrant Officer Becky McGwynn told this Modern Philosopher.  “That’s so often the case when the Coast Guard is called in for a rescue.  The person has no idea how bad off he is.”

BermudaFor those of you unfamiliar with The Viral Bermuda Triangle, it’s the situation that  occurs when a healthy employee is surrounded on three sides by coworkers with plague-like symptoms.

In Harkins’ case, it was the coworker directly across from him, the one next to him on his right, and the one behind him.

“Andy had nowhere to go,” said a concerned coworker, who asked to remain anonymous.  “I watched it all go down from across the office, and I wanted to help, but I knew it was too dangerous.  He was just sitting there, minding his own business like Andy always does, and then the three of them started hacking, coughing, sneezing, blowing their noses, clearing their throats, and complaining of stomach pains.  I knew he was a goner.”

Luckily for Harkins, another coworker saw what was happening and alerted the Coast Guard.  “They taught us that in Orientation,” Devyn Condon informed me as she waved off my assertion that she was a hero.  “If you see an office mate drift into The Viral Bermuda Triangle, you don’t risk your own safety, you just immediately call the Coast Guard.”

The Coast Guard arrived by helicopter in mere minutes.  A five person rescue team repelled into The Triangle from the ceiling and hauled Harkins out of danger.

“I’m taking some antibiotics and I’m going to drink tea and stay warm for the rest of the day,” Harkins informed me when I asked him what his plan was moving forward.  “I’m so grateful for the Coast Guard.  Their heroic actions saved me from a horrible fate.”

USCG logoHarkins said that he intends to take Devyn to lunch, once he returns to the office, to thank her for her swift, decisive action.

“I’m lucky to have a coworker like Devyn,” he said with a smile as his sipped his tea.  “I could do without the three who brought their germs to the office, but Devyn is a hero in my book.”

I’m thrilled that this story had a happy ending, Modern Philosophers!

Posted in blog, Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Monday Morning Coffee Club: 3/30/15

Giant mugIt’s the last Monday Morning Coffee Club of March, Modern Philosophers!

As you know, at The House on the Hill, Spring officially begins on April 1, so we are preparing for the big April Fools’ Day celebration.

Of course, that doesn’t change the fact that today is still Monday.

UGH!

It was a nice weekend at The House on the Hill.  I went running both mornings, and even though it was still below freezing for both runs, the snow and ice were almost completely gone from my route.  A definite sign that Snow Miser is on his way out of town.

Before I get too excited about the April Fools’ Day arrival of Spring, I must disclose that it was on April 1 a few years ago that we had a massive snowstorm.  On that delightful day (cue sarcasm), I lost control of Zombie Car on the drive home and ended up in a ditch.

The Girl Who Moved Away was in her car just ahead of me, but the snow was coming down so hard that she didn’t even notice that I’d gone off the road.  Needless to say, she was pretty freaked out when she realized what had happened, and wanted to drive back to get me.

I didn’t want her out on the road in the storm, though.  So, I walked back to the office and waited for the tow truck to arrive and rescue this April Fool.

UGH!

The weather report does not threaten an April Fools’ Day blizzard this year, however.

MondayI did some Spring Cleaning this weekend.  I had put heavy drapes over the windows to keep out the cold.  Those all came down this weekend, and The House on the Hill was suddenly flooded with sunlight.

I also cleared room on my bookshelves and will be bringing some old books to work to share with my coworkers.  I’ve always been one to hold on to books forever, but I think it’s time to stop being such a pack rat and share those novels with others.

For those of you who do not know what books are, they were what people read in ancient times before kindles were invented.

I also got a new shower curtain.  The old one had giant tree frogs on it, and I just got a little tired of the way they always judged me when when they saw me naked.  The new shower curtain has a tropical beach scene, and I’m telling myself its a nude beach, so no one will care that I am naked in the shower.

There was some great college basketball this weekend as March Madness whittled down the field to the Final Four.  Unfortunately, my beloved Fighting Irish of Notre Dame lost a heart breaker to undefeated Kentucky.  I’m still getting over that one.

I guess it’s time to stop reminiscing about the weekend and get ready for work.

UGH!

I’m hoping this work week is a little less stressful.  There’s no reason why those eight hours of my day can’t be as fun and exciting as the other sixteen, right?

Help yourself to the coffee, and remember that there’s only seventeen hours left to this horrible day.  Hang in there!

Posted in Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy, Spring | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

The Back Stairway To Heaven

zepI expected The Devil to be in a much better mood after his beloved Duke Blue Devils won to advance to The Final Four.

However, he was in a doom and gloom kind of mood.  “Have you ever thought about what happens after you die?” Lucifer asked as he picked up one of the last Hellfire Wings and just stared at it.

I shrugged, confused by his odd question.  “I’d like to think I’m going to Heaven, where I’ll be reunited with loved ones and live out eternity learning how to play the harp.”

I hoped my somewhat silly answer would lift his spirits, which should’ve been on cloud nine after Duke’s big win.

“That’s probably true,” he concurred as he tossed the wing back onto the plate without having eaten it.  Then he removed the Duke basketball jersey from over his expensive suit, and tossed it into the corner to hang on his pitchfork.

“Nice shot,” I said enthusiastically.  “Maybe Coach K will give you a try out.

The Prince of Darkness looked like The Prince of Black Clouds as he just shot me a half smile and took a long sip of his Snapple.

This was crazy.  Why the Hell was he so depressed?

“What is going on?” I asked.  “Duke just won, but you’re acting like they lost.  Why aren’t you rubbing it in my face that your team is in the Final Four while mine went down in a crushing defeat last night?”

DevilSatan shrugged, slightly wrinkling the shoulders of his tailored suit.  “I just got to thinking that you won’t always be around to watch games with me, and I’ve really come to enjoy your company.”

His comment sent a chill down my spine.  “Do you know something I don’t?” I asked in a panic.  “Am I going to die soon?”

The Devil looked at me strangely, then replayed his comment in his head and came to realize why I had been so freaked out by what he’d said.

“No, no!  I didn’t mean it that way at all,” he assured me.  “This weekend has been so much fun, and I have so few friends.  In fact, you and the crew at The House on the Hill are my only real friends.  I’m going to live forever, but some day, decades from now, you’re going to die.  And since you are a good boy, St. Peter is going to allow you to pass through the Pearly Gates, and that will be the end of our friendship.”

Now it was all making sense.  When I go to Heaven, The Devil can’t hang with me anymore, since his former employer has had him banned from the premises.

“That’s so far off, though, so why worry about it now?” I tried to console him with logic.

“When you live forever, a human lifespan seems to pass in the blink of an eye,” Lucifer responded and then drank more of his Snapple.

Oh man!  He was really feeling like Hell, and I didn’t know what to do to buoy his spirits.  “I wish there were some way for us to still see each other, but I really can’t spend eternity in Hell just so we can hangout.  No offense, but you’ve created a really bad environment down there.”

That earned me a smile.  Finally.  “I really have, haven’t I?” The Prince of Darkness asked with a sparkle in his eye.

“Yeah, man,” I agreed.  “It’s so wretched that I couldn’t possibly consider ever committing any sort of horrible sin out of fear of being condemned to eternity there.”

“Do you really mean that?” Satan asked as the smile grew on his handsome face.

“Of course, buddy,” I answered with an emphatic nod.

“You know, there is a way we could still see each other after you die,” he informed me as he picked up that Hellfire Wing and took a big bite out of it this time.  “I might not be allowed up there, but you could sneak back down to Earth.”

I raised an eyebrow to that comment.  “I didn’t realize St. Peter granted day passes, or that there was a way out of Heaven.”

stairway“There’s a back stairway to Heaven that’s long been forgotten, so it’s never guarded, and you could use it any time,” The Devil told me excitedly.

“Why is there a back stairway to Heaven?” I asked and wondered why The Nuns had never mentioned it.

“It was used to get VIPs into Heaven while avoiding the crowds,” he replied.  “The Angels also used it as a short cut to return to Earth when they needed to clean up a mess or do something without the Big Guy and his Son knowing about it.”

“I find it ironic that Lucifer is teaching me things about Heaven that I never learned in twelve years of Catholic school,” I remarked as I reached for a chicken wing.

“Those Nuns might be almost as scary as I am, but they’re not nearly as intelligent.”

The Prince of Darkness winked at me, and then whistled the Notre Dame Fight Song.  I knew he was doing that to bust my chops, a sign that he’d snapped out of his funk.

Thank God the Devil was feeling Heavenly again because I didn’t know what the Hell to do to resurrect his spirits.

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Sunday, Sweaty, Sunday

u2I can’t believe my weight today, I’m going for a run to sweat it all away.

How long, how long must I run this road?  How long, how lo-o-o-o-o-ng?

Because tonight, I can sweat it off tonight… Sunday, sweaty, Sunday.  Sunday, sweaty, Sunday…    — The Modern Philosopher “Sunday, Sweaty, Sunday”

U2 I am not, Modern Philosophers, but that’s only because there is just one of me and four of them.  I’m outnumbered, but I feel like I might still outweigh them.

I jest.  I know I don’t weigh more than four scrawny Irish superstars, but still.

It’s Palm Sunday, and there was no one around to high five me when I put on my running toga and laced up my sneakers for my run.

I was sore this morning.  My right shin was bothering me, but I decided to man up, like Bono would’ve done, and hit the road to get 3 miles under my belt.

Music plays a very important part in my run.  If I’ve got the right tunes blasting in my ears, it distracts me and helps me to pick up the pace.  I listened to Pandora today, selecting the Foo Fighters Channel for my run.

FooI love Foo Fighters, and had a ton of their songs loaded on my MP3 player, which I used to take on my sweaty adventures.

Now that I’ve got a smartphone, however, I listen to Pandora and let those tunes set the pace.  I enjoy the Foo Fighters Channel, but it doesn’t actually play too many of the bands’ songs over the course of my runs.

I’m lucky if I hear Dave Grohl belting out lyrics once over 3 miles.  Sometimes, I’ll get him on drums, though, as a Nirvana song almost always joins the rotation.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, this morning’s run was disrupted when Pandora decided to slip Oasis onto the set list.  Umm, I know opening Pandora’s Box is supposed to release mayhem into the world, but no one ever said it was an Oasis level of chaos.

Luckily, I was already on my way back to The House on the Hill when one of the Gallagher Brothers purred “Wonderwall” into my confused ears.  Had it happened on the way out, I very well might have cut my run short.  Or given up on running altogether.

As it was, I managed to push myself a little further down Eastern Avenue today.  Despite my sore muscles and nagging shin, I made it home in a time only one minute worse than yesterday’s.  Mind you, though, I did run further today.

I listened to a little Green Day as I did my cool down and stretched.  It would’ve been nice to end the day with a Foo Fighter song, but Green Day isn’t bad at all.

Just go runThe scale says I lost more weight this week, so I guess this running thing is going to become a regular part of my routine.

Let’s just hope Pandora doesn’t pull anymore nonsense like it did this morning…

Do you have a certain band you prefer to listen to when you exercise?

Posted in Fitness, Humor, Music, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments