Just Let Me Eat Cake!

cake 1The days that start out well are the ones that make me the most suspicious, Modern Philosophers.

Deep Thoughts like that have earned me my toga and kept me out of a straitjacket.

If you’re prepared for the worst, then there’s always chocolate cake waiting.  Remember that, and you’ll lead a somewhat happy life.

Being a Modern Philosopher is easy if you let the Deep Thoughts flow, don’t ever forget the importance of laughter, and always know the location of a good bakery.

And always do your best not to get chocolate all over your toga!

cake 2As my foreshadowing suggested, the day got off to a solid start.  I did a 3 mile run without upsetting my slightly injured leg, texted the pretty lass who always knows how to put a smile on my face (even when it’s covered in sweat after a run), and managed to fill Zombie Car’s gas tank for only $27.50!

It seems like only last winter that it was costing me another $20 to put the tiger in the tank, so my wallet was quite happy with that receipt from the pump.

Even though I don’t like change, and I’ve taken an unhealthy interest in the reclusive lifestyle made famous by monks, hermits, and people on the run from the law, I set in motion plans that will certainly shake up my life in a month’s time.

I’m very excited about that.

Like I said, it was a good morning.

cake 3Before lunch had even rolled around, though, the day had taken such a sharp and sudden turn, that it threw out its back and had to be rushed to the hospital for an MRI.

I, however, got stuck in the office to deal with the fallout.  I felt like I was staring down into a quarry filled with thousands of walkers, and I could only think about one thing…


And, yes, Modern Philosophers, when I thought about CHOCOLATE CAKE!, it was always capitalized, in bold, and followed by an exclamation point.

I know that women often stereotype men as having a one track mind, and I had no problem playing directly into that stereotype today.

I was the conductor of an out of control train hurtling down a single track with only one destination in mind…

The Bakery Section of my local grocery store.

cake 4Sure, other desserts tempted my sweet tooth.  Like this basket of whoopie pies.  I probably could’ve inhaled them all right there in the store, but I prefer to do my comfort eating in the private luxury of The House on the Hill.

cake 6Pies are always a viable option, but my doctor has discovered, through simple trial and error, that chocolate cake works best when I need to de-stress.

Did anyone else just freak out and realize that “de-stress” is just a slightly jumbled version of “desserts”?

Whoa!  My Keanu Moment for sure, dude!

Good old Dr. Jekyll called in my prescription to the Bakery Department, so all I had to do was pick up my special meds on the way home.

cake 7Despite those rumors you might have heard, I did not personally empty out the donut trays before picking up my cake.

Clearly, some other stressed out people got there first.

I wonder if Dr. Jekyll had written them prescriptions, too, or if they had simply decided to self-medicate.

cake 8Because of the stressful day I had, you are being rewarded with this ridiculous blog post about my lust for comfort foods.

I’m going to have a healthy dinner, watch a little TV, and hang out with the kitties.

Then I am going devour that chocolate cake like the world is about to end and the only way to save myself from the stress is to go into a sugar coma.

Hope you had a better day than mine, Modern Philosophers.

If not, Dr. Jekyll would be more than happy to prescribe some CHOCOLATE CAKE!

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Zombie Columbus Gets Lost On Its Way To Eat Your Brain

ColumbusColumbus Day in Maine, Modern Philosophers, has been easily absorbed into the state’s month long Halloween Season Celebration.

The All Hallows Society long ago took pity on poor Christopher Columbus, realized that the holiday named in his honor was becoming extinct, and decided to rescue it.

Now, Maine’s Columbus Day celebration might be the greatest in the country.

The most popular event is still the annual Columbus Corn Maze Competition, where the entrant who gets so lost in that maze that he or she is the last to finish is named that year’s Columbus.  It’s not exactly an honor anyone wants to earn, but somehow, every year someone gets so helplessly lost that a rescue team is sent into the maze.

It’s as if Columbus’ Ghost had possessed the eventual “winner” since that would be the only way to explain how a person could get so helplessly lost and still be celebrated!

corn mazeTo make Columbus Day 2015 one to remember forever, The All Hallows Society planned simultaneous parades in Portland and Bangor.

The theme was Zombie Columbus, which was both a tie in to last night’s Season Premiere of The Walking Dead and a salute to Maine’s Zombie population.

As you know, The Walking Dead only became a true television phenomenon after the show filmed a live episode in Maine two years ago, using actual Maine Zombies.  The ratings for that episode were the highest in the program’s storied history.

Some people say that cast members of the AMC series actually trudged along in the parade as Columbus Zombies, but no one from the show or from The All Hallows Society will confirm or deny the rumor.

Zombie humterMembers of the Maine Zombie Census Bureau and heavily armed Certified Maine Zombie Hunters lined to parade route to give the event a sense of authenticity.

Even though Zombies are a regular part of life in Maine, they very rarely get near a city as large as Portland or Bangor.  That’s because the Maine Department of Zombie Control keeps the herds out in the woods where they can’t cause any harm, and the tourists can safely snap a few photos of their near Zombie experience!

The Columbus Zombies looked a lot like regular Maine Zombies, but they had one very distinct trait to set them apart from the real deal…

They had absolutely no sense of direction!

ZombiesYes, Modern Philosophers, the big thrill of today’s Zombie Columbus Parade was the fact that, just like Columbus in 1492, the Zombies got lost.

Hundreds, maybe even thousands, of Mainers and Otherworldly Beings lined the parade route in both cities, expecting the Zombies to trudge through at a set time followed by floats of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria.

What they got, instead, was the scare of a lifetime.

The Columbus Zombies “lost their way” and ended up surrounding the parade goers on all sides.  People were so caught off guard by the sneak attack, that they forget that they were at a parade, freaked out, and ran off screaming down the parade route, desperate to save themselves from becoming a part of the Zombie buffet.

Luckily, the Zombie Census Agents and Zombie Hunters were on hand to restore order and pass out bags of Halloween Candy to folks once they had settled down.

HalloweenIt might be Columbus Day on your calendars, Modern Philosophers, but in Maine, it is Halloween for the entire month.

Columbus certainly got his due today, but in the end, everyone on hand went home excited about Halloween being one day closer!

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Monday Morning Coffee Club: 10/12/15

Giant mugHappy Monday, Modern Philosophers.

I know it’s Columbus Day, but hasn’t society tried to wash its hands of this holiday?  We used to get the day off, but now some calendars don’t even bother to mention it.

I’ve asked the Calendar Commission about it, but they are pretty tight lipped about the whole thing.  Let’s face it, though, Columbus is famous for getting horribly lost and then claiming the place he ended up was his intended destination.

If every person who ever did that was given a holiday, we’d need a lot more than 365 days in a year.

Basically, Christopher Columbus was your grandparents driving around before GPS was invented.  He refused to ask directions and just kept moving forward, insisting he was not only going the right way, but that he’d also found a short cut.

I’m not going to wish you a happy Columbus Day, Modern Philosophers, because my calendar has no room for failures!

I will, however, wish you a Happy Halloween Season!  The Halloween Season begins on October 1 in Maine and runs right through Halloween.  It is a huge deal here as Otherworldly Beings from all over travel to Maine for a month of parties, festivities, parades, and socializing.

It’s like a supernatural Mardi Gras, only without all the drunken mayhem.

All HallowsI usually write more about the Halloween fun going on around me, but I’ve been a bit distracted.  I will do my best to rectify that as I want you to feel like you’re part of the excitement, Modern Philosophers.

Plus, I don’t want the All Hallows Society mad at me!  They are creepy!

If you follow the blog regularly, you’ll know that last week was a bit of a roller coaster ride.  I had a great time at the Fifth Anniversary taping of The Nite Show, but did not enjoy taking Cali to the vet.

I’m still having trouble giving her the medication she needs, but the vet took care of the serious stuff.  Now, I just keep trying to sneak up on her, betray her trust, and force 2 ML of antibiotics into her mouth when she least expects it.  I am never going to be a vet.

As seems to be the norm around The House on the Hill, the Hopeless Romantic in me continues to fail in his quest to find love.

I have this horrible habit of falling for women who are unavailable.  I keep trying to not be so stupid in love, but my heart wants to serve a purpose other than to pump the blood through my body.  It’s bored with doing just that, and wants to multitask.  My heart wants to be filled with love again, and all the running in the world isn’t going to get it to beat as fast as it does when there’s that someone special in my life.

Personally, I think that love enjoys playing games with me.

Clearly, I’m lost when it comes to love, but not lost in a Christopher Columbus, have a holiday named after me kind of way.

Enough rambling.  I’ve got to get ready for work.  Help yourself to some coffee, and check out the literature I’ve left out about the various Halloween Season events going on in the area today.  Have a great day despite the fact that it’s a Monday!

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‘Tis The Season To Be Satanic

jack-o-lantern“What a gorgeous day!” The Devil exclaimed as he burst through the front door of The House on the Hill, and stood in the entrance to the living room like a conquering hero.

He wore an extremely expensive, impeccably tailored black suit and an orange tie.

“Are you going to a football game up at Brewer High?” I asked with a snicker since the team’s colors were orange and black.

“Despite your snarky comment, I bring you festive greetings of the Halloween Season,” Lucifer continued as the Devilish smile grew on his handsome face.  “In the spirit of the holiday, I come bearing gifts!”

“Are they invisible gifts?” I asked with a raised eyebrow since his hands were empty.

The Prince of Darkness snapped his fingers, and a half dozen of the ugliest Demons I’ve ever seen scampered into my living room.  They were loaded down with gifts, and moved quickly to the living room table to deposit them at their master’s command.

“Happy Halloween, my friend!” Satan bellowed gleefully as he vanquished the Demons out to the front porch and then headed over to join me on the couch.

“Wow!  This is quite a spread,” I had to admit as my mouth watered at the sight of what The Devil had gifted me.

DevilThere were two huge platters of his incredible Hell Fire Wings.  I have eaten far too many chicken wings in my life, and none were as good as the ones served up by Lucifer.  He liked to say that there was a little bit of Hell in every bite.

The wings were joined by three cases of Snapple, my favorite drink on Earth, and a dozen giant bags of king size Halloween candy.

Ironically, I was in Heaven.

“Halloween Season is to me what the Christmas Season is to you,” The Prince of Darkness explained as the tore into the bag of Mounds bars.  “Having all these Otherworldly Beings in town to celebrate the greatest holiday of all sends chills running from my horns down to my cloven hooves.”

I wiped Hell Fire Sauce from my face as I nodded and tossed my now meatless chicken bone down onto the discard platter.

“It must be like your Demonic National Convention,” I quipped as I grabbed a chilled Snapple from the cooler.

All Hallows“It’s so much more than that,” Satan told me excitedly like a boy staring at all the presents under the tree on Christmas morning.  “This is an amazing time to be in Maine.  It’s the one place where my kind can gather, feel at home, and enjoy the wonder of the season.  Speaking of which, The All Hallows Society asked me to remind you that you should be blogging more about Halloween in Maine.”

I swallowed hard, and not because my Hell Fire Wing went down wrong.  It was never good to have The All Hallows Society send you messages, and even worse to have it sound like a threatening reminder of who was really in charge in the great state of Maine.

“I’ve already outlined some Halloween themed articles for the week,” I assured The Devil with enough panic in my voice to sound like a cheap knock off damsel in distress.  “I just got distracted with Cali’s getting sick last week.”

Lucifer smiled and helped himself to a wing.  He managed to never get any Hell Fire Sauce on his precious suits, and I was certain that some Evil Magic played a part in it.  Like an invisible evil bib that covered his entire wardrobe.

Cali Cat 2“Lighten up, Brooklyn, they’re not mad,” The Prince of Darkness informed me with a Devilish smile that was ever present this afternoon.  “You spread more love for Otherworldly Beings than any blogger in the world.  Plus, black cats are sacred to The All Hallows Society, so they completely understand that Cali comes first.”

That was beyond a relief.  Nevertheless, I still stress inhaled two more wings and washed them down with a bottle of Snapple before rejoining the conversation.

“I really appreciate your bringing all these gifts,” I said humbly.

“It’s the least I could do,” Satan replied.  “You are a wonderful host and your weekly posts about our adventures have made me a major celebrity at this year’s celebration.  You’ve done some amazing public relations work for my image.”

jack-oThe former Catholic School Altar Boy and  The Devil bonding over chicken wings, Snapple, and Halloween candy.

Maine truly was an exciting place to be, and I was grateful to be in the middle of it all at The House on the Hill as the Halloween Spirit possessed my lost soul.

Happy Halloween Season!

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That 70th Run Show

70sToday was the 70th run of my highly rated, award winning, critically acclaimed, soon to be adapted into a movie franchise, running program, Modern Philosophers.

The mere fact that I’ve been able to keep myself on a 5 day a week running schedule for 14 weeks is miracle enough to be sent to Pope Francis for immediate inclusion in The Vatican’s next Miracles Are Real Tweet.

But when you factor in that I had no business at all going on a run this morning because of a minor leg injury, then the fact that my 70th run took place at all is truly impressive.

Underneath the sweaty running togas, Modern Philosophers, I’m still just a dorky kid from Brooklyn who hates running.

Back in the day, my little leg issue would’ve been more than enough to cancel not only today’s run, but the rest of the week’s as well.

But I’m not that guy anymore.

Austin runI’m this guy now.

A guy who runs through the pain, doesn’t make excuses, and smiles for post-run selfies like he thinks the photo is going to appear on the cover of Runner’s World.

I will admit that I didn’t go the usual 4.5 miles today.  There was simply no way in the world I was going to be able to work through the pain to go the distance.

I did, however, keep pushing myself a little further down my route until the “Check Leg” light went on, and I turned back to The House on the Hill.

I could’ve turned around at any point and been justified, but the fact that I wanted to keep going told me a lot about myself.

I’ve changed over the past fourteen weeks, I’m not as soft as I once was, and Runner Boy is a hell of a lot more stubborn that any of my other personalities.

That’s the only way to explain how I ran 3.5 miles despite the pain.

Austin run 2I don’t always have much to say in my writing posts, but I like to write them every once in a while to let you guys know that I’m still out there working up a sweat.

There are only so many calories I can burn by generating Deep Thoughts, and it’s important that I keep my running sneakers busy.  As we all know, idle sneakers are foot odor’s best friend.

Blogging about my runs is important because many of you have told me that you find inspiration in my goofy tales of generating enough sweat to end the drought in California.

If there’s inspiration via perspiration going on in the pages of this blog, I definitely want to keep it going.

This blog has always been about getting you to exercise your brain and your funny bone, but I think it’s evolved to a point where I can add inspiring you to exercise your entire body to the list.

How else are we going to fight off The Machines when they try to execute The Robot Apocalypse?  We’ve got to be in shape to keep them from rebooting the human race.

Plus, I read that sweat corrodes machines faster than any other weapon on the market today.  Because of that, after every run, I wring out my running togas and store the sweat in 20 gallon non-corrosive drums in my basement bunker.

Can you guess how many drums I’ve filled after 70 runs?

Austin run 3I was too busy going off an a tangent about The Robot Apocalypse to mention that I came across some sort of boat parked on a patch of grass during yesterday’s run.

You can see a shot of it in the picture before this one.  How weird and random was that?

It was in that semi-cul-de-sac that marks the halfway point of my longest runs, and it just looked so out of place parked there in the grass.

That’s the thing about running, Modern Philosophers.  You simply never know what you’re going to find out on the road.

I’ve found out so much about myself over the past 70 runs, and I’m curious to see what I’m going to discover next.

I still don’t love running, but I’m drawn to it, and just can’t shake it.

As long as my leg hasn’t fallen off by Tuesday morning, I plan to be right back out there for run #71.

As Nike, The Greek Goddess of Being Bossy would say: “Just do it!”

Posted in Fitness, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Rejection Is Half Mental Most Of The Time

RejectionHappy Sunday, Modern Philosophers!

A new episode of The Nite Show With Danny Cashman aired last night, so now I can share some of my monologue jokes that didn’t make it onto last night’s telecast.

Danny wanted to focus on the show’s Five Year Anniversary, hence all those jokes.

I know Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest, but can you work up enough energy to give a warm Modern Philosopher’s welcome to the Sunday Rejects?

Donald Trump continues to be the front runner for the Republican Presidential nomination, but recent polls reveal his lead to be dwindling.  When asked how he would address his declining poll numbers, Trump vowed to fire every pollster in America and then build a giant wall to protect his numbers…

Donald Trump continues to lead in the polls.  Don’t worry, though.  At last check, pigs were sill unable to fly and Hell had not frozen over…

Taping 7This is The Nite Show’s fifth anniversary.  Five years is a long time.  It’s four years and eleven months longer than Governor LePage’s term should have lasted…

The Nite Show is five years old.  That’s four years longer than the average lifespan of whatever that is living on the top of Donald Trump’s head…

Over the past five years, The Nite Show has aired 200 episodes.  Coincidentally, Maine schools have closed for 200 snow days over that exact same period…

The Nite Show just turned five, and next September, it’s going to start Kindergarten.  Unless, of course, Joe and I decide to home school it…

The Nite Show is five years old, and like most five year olds, it’s afraid of the dark, thinks there are monsters living under its bed, and is noticeably taller than Bruce Poliquin…

Taping 1The Patriots have started the season 4-0.  That’s three victories on the field and one in the courtroom…

That Patriots have started the season 3-0.  No word yet from Roger Goodell on how he plans to punish the team for its perfection…

The Nite Show has been around for five years, which means it has outlasted 75% of Maine marriages….

The Nite Show has been on the air for five years, which means someone in charge of programming at WABI TV has really dropped the ball…

The Mayor of Lewiston wants to publicize the names of all Mainers receiving welfare.  Presumably, to cross them off his list of potential campaign donors…

The first Democratic Presidential Debate is this week.  The networks are still holding out hope that Donald Trump changes parties in time to participate…

The first Democratic Presidential Debate is this week.  I will only watch if Bernie Sanders promises to wear a lab coat and shout “Great Scott, Marty!” every fifteen minutes…

Austin 3The Nite Show is five years old.  Since wood is the traditional fifth anniversary gift, everyone in the audience tonight will be allowed to knock on my head for good luck…

The first Democratic Presidential Debate is this week.  If you suffer from incurable insomnia, I recommend you tune in for a good night’ sleep…

What did you think, Modern Philosophers?  Did any of the Sunday Rejects make you laugh?  Is it obvious that the upcoming Presidential Election is inspirational to the monologue joke writing process?

The Nite Show airs on Saturday nights in Maine.  If you can’t catch the telecast, you can still support the show by liking its Facebook page, checking out video clips on its YouTube Channel, or by following it on Twitter @TheNiteShowME.

Please feel free to send Danny a tweet congratulating him on five years!

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Are You On A First Date Or In A Haunted House?

hotelThe Halloween Season has arrived in Maine, Modern Philosophers, and the All Hallows Society just send me an angry, somewhat threatening message to point out that I have yet to write a Halloween themed post.

Since I don’t want to incur the wrath of Maine’s all powerful and wickedly frightening secret society, and because I usually write a Dating Tips post on Saturday night, I thought I’d combine both tonight.

Because when you think about it, what could be scarier than the Demonic offspring of Halloween and Dating?

Tonight’s post will come in very handy this month when you find yourself confused and trying to figure out if you are on a date or visiting a haunted house.

As always, since I am interested in women, the date in this post will be referred to as a  female.  However, these tips will work for both sexes.

All hail the All Hallows Society!

bad dateDid you enter with absolutely no idea of what to expect?   Definitely a haunted house, especially if it’s a really good one.

Some haunted houses can be boringly predictable, much like a first date.

Luckily, people who run haunted houses know that if they don’t step up their game and catch you by surprise, they’re not going to keep your business.

Unfortunately, first dates are run and operated by independent contractors (your dates) who could care less if they get repeat business.  In fact, it’s my theory that they are just looking for some boring sucker to control for the rest of his life, and as a result, they make a first date as predictable as humanly possible.

Are you scared, anxious, and/or nervous?  That’s got to be a first date.  Nothing else could possibly freak me out and run roughshod over my emotions like a first date.

A haunted house is a delightful way to celebrate the Halloween Season, but the only anxiety it causes is over the price.

bad date 1Do you fear that you won’t survive?  First date for sure.  If people died in haunted houses, it wouldn’t be good for business.

Plus, the dead people would then haunt that house for real and make for an extremely confusing situation for all involved.  Is there such a thing as a haunted, haunted house?

The chances of dying on a first date are 6% according to a number I made up specifically for this blog post.  Even though it’s fake, I’m guessing many of you are thinking that the actual number is much higher.

If you really let your Deep Thoughts run wild, you will quickly realize that a first date can kill you in so many different ways…

Did you experience abnormal events that cannot possibly be explained by logic, science, or the guys from Myth Busters?  You are on a first date, my friend.  The one topic Myth Busters hasn’t tackled over its amazing run is the first date.

The reason for that is because first dates defy all laws of science, probability, and reasoning.  Legend has it that only Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster truly understand what happens on a First Date, so go ask them.

bad date 2Did you have a nightmare after the incident?  While a top of the line haunted house might cause you to have a nightmare, your mind is likely to forgo that experience and cue up a nightmare about your last first date instead.

Your mind if a terrible thing to waste, so it’s not going to waste a good nightmare on something that didn’t scare you in reality.

It knows that first date freaked you out down to your core, though, so it is going to let Freddy Krueger lead you kicking and screaming down that Memory Lane for repeated midnight mind shows.

Is the person sitting across from you babbling like she is possessed by a Narcissistic Demon with no filter?  A 2003 law banned haunted houses from ever employing Narcissistic Demons after a horrific incident resulted in the institutionalizing of seven college students in North Carolina.

As violating this law would lead to a large fine and imprisonment, you can be sure that you are not in a haunted house.

Besides, isn’t this one obviously a first date?

Not Alone but LonelyAre you looking at a shape shifter?  By “shape shifter” I obviously mean a woman who looks completely different in person from the photos she posted on her online dating profile.

While she can make up all the stories she wants about why she is suddenly seven years older and fifty pounds heavier, we know the truth is because you’re on a first date.

People lie in their online profiles all the time.  Do you really think every man on that site rides a Harley, has all his teeth, and doesn’t live in his Mom’s basement?

Do you really think every woman on that site won’t hold you personally responsible for the fact that her ex-husband cheated on her with a younger woman and left her to raise three kids all by herself?

Shape shifter ALWAYS EQUALS first (and hopefully last) date.

Did you leave swearing you will never subject yourself to that again?  You know you’re going to another haunted house next Halloween Season because the one you just left was wicked awesome!

However, you very well might never date again after the recent horror you barely survived.

bad date 4Do you feel trapped and like you will never be able to find the way out?  State law requires that all haunted houses have easy to spot exit signs and staff to assist any patron who becomes disoriented during the experience.

No state law regulates first dates.  You’re on your own, so always have an exit strategy!

Are you surrounded by Headless Horsemen, Vampires, Witches, Werewolves, Zombies, Monsters, Demons, and people dressed as Donald Trump?  You are in what sounds likes a pretty awesome and topical haunted house.

Unless, of course, your first date is going so poorly that you’ve had so much to drink that you are hallucinating this scenario…

I hope these dating tips comes in handy.  Be careful out there.  Dating and Halloween usually mix for more tricks than treats!

Posted in Dating, Holidays, Humor, Love, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments