The Devil’s Chief Of Staff

Steve Bannon, politics, humor, short, story, The Devil, Modern PhilosopherI wildly shoveled another forkful of omelet into my mouth like I hadn’t had anything to eat in weeks.

Sure, I was embarrassed by my gluttonous behavior, but it was so delicious, and I was absolutely ravenous after my morning run.

“Thanks again for making me breakfast,” I managed to blurt out in the brief moment that I came up for air between bites.

The Devil smiled from behind the Sunday paper.  “I know you go for longer runs on the weekend, so I thought I’d surprise you and help fill that empty tummy.”

As always, he was dressed in an impeccably tailored suit, but this time he wore an apron  over it.  The message on the apron read: One Hell of a Cook.

That apron was no liar!

I took a long sip of my Snapple and then studied what was left of my breakfast.

“Ham, cheese, mushroom, and bacon,” I listed the ingredients in awe.  “Perfect.”

Lucifer flashed a charming smile.  “I’m so glad you enjoy it.  My cooking resume goes well beyond my infamous Hellfire Wings, but I rarely get the chance to put on my apron and putter around a kitchen.”

I nodded in agreement and then a scent wafting from the kitchen caught my attention.

“Are those blueberry muffins I smell?” I asked, still wanting more food even though I had just stuffed my face.

“Your nose does not deceive you,” The Prince of Darkness confirmed.  “I wanted to add chocolate chips, but then I remembered that you are trying to eat better.”

The omelet had taken up a considerable amount of space in my previously empty stomach, but I was certain I could make room for a muffin.  Or two.

“I was a little lightheaded after my run, but am I right in thinking that my lawn has already been mowed?” I questioned right before putting more omelet into my mouth.

“You are correct, my friend,” Satan informed me.  “After running five miles, the last thing you need is to tackle that grass.  Rest your legs.  You’ve earned it.”

Steve Bannon, politics, humor, short, story, The Devil, Modern Philosopher“I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, even when it comes with horns and a pitchfork, but what has gotten into you?” I interrogated my guest between bites of my breakfast.  “You never get here this early, you never cook, and you never mow the lawn.  Something’s up.”

The Devil flashed a devilish grin and took a long sip of his Snapple before answering.

“I finally hired a Chief of Staff, and now that I can delegate so many of the tasks I was handling personally, I have all sorts of time on my hands,” he admitted excitedly.

“That’s awesome,” I congratulated him.  “I bet you had quite the pool of candidates to choose from in the eternal Hellfire.  Good for you for finally trusting one to be your right hand man.  Or woman.”

Lucifer shook his head and chuckled.  “I’d never pick one of The Damned to be my Chief of Staff, Austin.  They can’t be trusted.  They’re in Hell for a reason.  No, I hired one of the living.  I’ve had my eye on him for a while, but he already had a job.  But as luck would have it, he found himself unemployed on Friday and I snatched him up immediately.”

Something about that timeline sent a chill down my spine.  I put down my fork, wiped the crumbs from my mouth, and turned to face my guest.

Steve Bannon, politics, humor, short, story, The Devil, Modern Philosopher“Is your new Chief of Staff Steve Bannon?” I queried even though I knew the answer.

“He was the perfect man for the job,” The Prince of Darkness confirmed my worst fear.  “After toiling for that megalomaniac, it should be a cinch to work for such an easygoing, down to earth boss like me.  If we didn’t work in Hell, I’d say it’s a match made in Heaven.”

Satan laughed hysterically at his joke.  I offered a polite chuckle.

“I thought he was going to work for Breitbart,” I challenged.

“That’s the cover story we’re telling the world,” The Devil explained as he took another sip of his Snapple.  “We didn’t want all the distractions that would go along with leaving one high profile job for another.  Since I own Breitbart, it’s not like the story is a lie.”

“You own Breitbart!” I shouted as I jumped up off the couch in confused excitement.

“Can you think of a better way for me to keep tabs on evil in America?” Lucifer replied.  “It gives me easy access to so many future residents of Hell.  Plus, it turns quite a profit.”

I took a minute to allow my brain to absorb that information.  I didn’t want to rush into processing those facts, lest it lead to a migraine.

“You’re blowing my mind right now,” I scolded him.  “And not in a good way.”

Steve Bannon, politics, humor, short, story, The Devil, Modern Philosopher“Relax and enjoy your breakfast,” The Prince of Darkness cooed in a calming voice.  “I’ll go get you a muffin while you consider that this country is in a much better place now that Steve Bannon works in Hell, rather than the White House.”

He did make an excellent point.  Bannon could now spread his angry, racist, message of hatred in a place that was much more used to that sort of rhetoric.

Besides, I was not about the argue with Satan when he was serving me muffins and mowing my lawn.  I know a good thing when I see it..

Posted in Humor, Politics, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Gorgeous Girl in the Hideous Hoodie

short story, flash fiction, romance, dating, humor, Modern PhilosopherJustin and Marc always sat at the outermost table in the busy quad because they thought it gave them the best view for people watching.

At the moment, however, both young men were clearly more interested in their phones than the world around them.  Luckily for one of them, Justin was a klutz and knocked over his drink when he reached out in search of another sip.

As the duo scurried to save their electronics from the ever growing puddle of Snapple, Marc noticed a familiar face on the other side of the quad.

“Isn’t that Amber, your eternal crush?” he teased his buddy as he sopped up iced tea with napkins that were already soaked through with Snapple’s most popular flavor.

The mere mention of Amber’s name caused Justin to go on high alert.  He abandoned the clean up process to seek out his target in an area teeming with people.

He spotted her quickly.  She was alone at a table, reading a book, and picking at a muffin.  Justin’s face lit up at the sight of her, and it was impossible to miss that he was smitten.

“Go talk to her,” Marc suggested as he tossed his wad of iced tea soaked napkins into the trash and snatched a handful of new ones from the dispenser.

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” was Justin’s lame reply.

“How about telling her you’ve had the hots for her for years, and you thought it was time to finally man up and ask her out?” Marc tossed out there without any sarcasm.

Justin shrugged.  “I always get so tongue tied around her.  I don’t get it.”

short story, flash fiction, romance, dating, humor, Modern PhilosopherMarc rolled his eyes at his friend, who was staring intently at the object of his affection and doing absolutely nothing to help with the mess that he’d caused.

“Go say hi, and make some witty comment about what a coincidence it is that you would run into each other here,” Marc directed.  “Perhaps you can ask her to borrow a few napkins…”

Justin shook his head like those were horrible suggestions.

“I need something better than that,” he admitted as if he’d been wrestling with how to approach this woman for a very long time.  “It’s got to be something unique.”

Marc stopped cleaning the table long enough to take a long, hard look at Amber.

“Why don’t you tell her that’s the most hideous hoodie you’ve ever seen, and then offer to burn it for her,” Marc offered with a straight face.

She was wearing an extremely ugly sweatshirt.  It was a tie dye rainbow of colors that didn’t go well together, and was made even worse by hot pink lettering.  Amber was very easy on the eyes, but the hoodie was easily as ugly as she was beautiful.

“I’m sure I’ll come up with something better than that,” Justin replied, but not in the most convincing fashion.

He set out across the quad, his determined strides carrying him quickly to Amber’s table.

She looked up when a shadow fell across her book, and offered Justin a charming smile.

“Hey, Justin.  What a coincidence that we would run into each other here,” she said as she closed her book to give him her full attention.

Justin was momentarily flustered by the fact that Amber had greeted him with the exact words Marc had suggested he use on her.  His brain simply could not process the odds of that happening and come up with something witty to say simultaneously.

As a result, this happened…

“That’s the most hideous hoodie I’ve ever seen.  Can I burn it for you?”

short story, flash fiction, romance, dating, humor, Modern PhilosopherThat he said it in a flat, almost robotic tone made it even more surreal.  Amber studied him for a moment, trying to figure out if he was joking or dead serious.

Justin just stood there, incredibly horrified, but trying to hold it together.

“It’s my boyfriend’s sweatshirt, so I don’t think he’d appreciate your setting it ablaze,” she informed him and then took a bite of her muffin.

Now Justin was really dumbfounded.  Boyfriend?  This was not going as planned.  Why the hell had he allowed Marc to talk him into this?

“I didn’t realize you had a boyfriend,” he mumbled awkwardly.

Amber nodded.  “He’s in the Marines.  Stationed in the Middle East.  He gave me this sweatshirt right before he left so I wouldn’t forget him.  I treasure it more than anything else I own.”

She broke off another piece of muffin, popped it into her mouth, and smiled.

Justin could feel the color draining from his face and the sweat forming on his brow, but while his body was begging him to run, his heart refused to allow him to budge.

“The Marines?  Overseas?  Wow.  That must be really hard on a relationship.”

Amber let out a long, sad sigh and finally shook her head in agreement.

“We Skype as often as we can,” she explained.  “He likes seeing me in his sweatshirt when we talk, so that’s why I’m wearing it now.”

She glanced over at her phone hopefully.

Justin looked down at the device in horror.

“Oh,” he uttered in panic.  “Are you expecting him to Skype now?  Am I interrupting?”

short story, flash fiction, romance, dating, humor, Modern Philosopher“You should stick around and say hi,” Amber offered.  “I bet he’d get a real kick out of your telling him how much you hate his sweatshirt and want to burn it.  It’s the official colors of his unit, you know.”

Justin clutched the chair in front of him to keep from falling.  The entire quad was starting to spin now, and he feared he would drown in his flop sweat when he passed out from embarrassment.

“I really didn’t mean to bother you,” he whispered as he steadied himself on the chair and prepared his body to flee the scene of his crime.  “I just saw you sitting here and wanted to say hello.  So sorry…”

Amber broke off another piece of muffin and put it in her mouth as she studied Justin with keen interest.  He looked so unbelievably pale, and she had no idea that the human body could produce so much sweat in such a short period of time.

Justin turned to scurry away before he made the situation any worse.  Not that he thought that possible, but with the way things were going, there was probably a way.

That was when Amber broke into the brightest smile.

“Justin, wait!” she called after him.  “I don’t have a boyfriend.  I was just messing with you because I never know what to say around you, and being a sarcastic wise ass is apparently my default setting for such conversations.”

Justin slowly turned to face her again.  He needed to see the look on her face to make sure this wasn’t some elaborate hoax.

short story, flash fiction, romance, dating, humor, Modern Philosopher“The Marines aren’t going to come for me in my sleep then?” he finally asked when he read her beautiful face and saw only honesty and slight embarrassment.

“Not if you promise to stop being so shy around me and finally ask me out,” she assured him.

“That was a pretty convincing yarn you were spinning there,” Justin complimented her as he pulled out the chair and sat down across from her.

Amber smiled and blushed as she nervously pushed the glasses up on her nose.

“I’ve always wanted to be a convincing pathological liar,” she chuckled.  “Looks like you bring out the best in me, Justin.”

It was Justin’s turn to blush now.

“That’s sweet,” he told her as he flashed a handsome smile.  “For the record, that hoodie is ridiculously hideous.  Please don’t wear it on our first date.”

Amber nodded in agreement and blushed a little more…

Posted in Dating, Humor, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

The Rise of the Ice Cream Socialists

politics, humor, satire, Donald Trump, racism, Modern PhilosopherAt a time when our President cannot find the words to condemn Nazis and white supremacists, I think it’s time to support a new political party to lead our nation back from the brink of Trump-ageddon, Modern Philosophers.

I offer you the Ice Cream Socialists.

I attended one of their gatherings today, which they refer to as a social.

There were no tiki torches, no hoods to hide the identities of anyone in attendance, and no flags flying other than the Stars and Stripes.

No one marched in anger, shouted obscenities, or looked to engage in a physical altercation with anyone else in attendance.

It was a peaceful gathering of about seventy-five people, who managed to interact without any sort of conflict.

There were plenty of smiles and kind words, though.

And on this breezy summer day in Maine, the Ice Cream Socialists had a very clear platform with only one item on their agenda…

Free ice cream for all!

politics, humor, satire, Donald Trump, racism, Modern PhilosopherAs you can see from the above photo, I joined the party without any hesitation.

Theirs is a platform that I can support completely, and I’m willing to attend as many socials as needed until we can take back our country from the buffoons who think they can make America great again by reminiscing about and reliving the “good old days” of World War II and the Civil War.

I’m not even sure who group’s leader was, as there wasn’t one blowhard sucking all the air out of the room by dominating the conversation with shouted monologues and pointing angry fingers at everyone he blames for the country’s demise.

Heck, they’re socialists so maybe everyone is in charge.

Or perhaps the leader is whoever is holding the ice cream scoop at any given moment.

politics, humor, satire, Donald Trump, racism, Modern PhilosopherThe group agreed on a philosophy that is easy to get behind: We are a nation of many flavors, none of which is more important than the other.

In the eyes of the Ice Cream Socialists, chocolate is always as important as vanilla.

That’s the scoop, President Trump.

When they finally did decide to get loud, their rallying cry was like music to my ears:

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

Make sundaes, not war.  Add toppings, rather than fuel to the fire.  Build ice cream parlors instead of border walls.

America needs a new direction, and I believe it is towards the Ice Cream Socialists.

Writer’s Note: I might have drifted off into a sugar induced fantasy world during today’s ice cream social at work, but I still think it’s a great idea for a political party.

Posted in Humor, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

That New Life Smell

life, humor, change, new car, Modern PhilosopherIt has been a long week of adjustments at The House on the Hill, Modern Philosophers.

The most obvious change, of course, being the loss of Miss Luna.  While I am heartbroken and feel like there is a giant hole in my heart, I also didn’t realize how much time I’d been spending taking care of her.

Obviously, I’d give anything to be able to spend countless hours looking after her again, but I’ve suddenly had to adjust my schedule because she is not here.

Cali has been the lucky recipient of all my extra attention.

But there is so much more going on in my life, and I haven’t had the time to process it because I’ve been walking around in a haze of grieving.

Someone stopped me at work today to ask me how I liked my new car, and it hit me…

I got a new car last week!

life, humor, change, new car, Modern PhilosopherI’m not used to having anything shiny and new, Modern Philosophers.

I was raised by a very frugal stepmother, and life was always about hand me downs, irregular clothes, and using something until it positively could not be used any longer.

Hell, I still squeeze every last drop of toothpaste out of a tube like it was the very last toothpaste in existence.

Look at the gorgeous interior of my shiny, new RAV4.  The steering wheel actually has all its buttons.  The speedometer works.  There’s air conditioning and a working radio!

Honestly, I am not used to such luxury.  I’ve only owned two other cars, and they were both at least a decade old when I’d bought them.  Rather than a new car smell, they reeked of sweaty mechanics and used car parts.

life, humor, change, new car, Modern PhilosopherThis past week, my thoughts have drifted all over the place, but I just realized that I never once had to worry about car stress.

For the first time in my life, I have a dependable vehicle, and I can drive virtually stress free and allow my mind to ponder for other thoughts.

It’s been amazing.  I’m so comfortable, so safe, and so spoiled.  I’ve never been able to flip on the AC on a hot summer day.  Or change the stations on the radio by pushing a button on the steering wheel.  My car has never warned me if I get too close to the next lane.  Nor has it told me exactly how many miles I have left until I need more gas.

I feel like an entirely new man on my commute.  To be honest, I mistake myself for someone’s chauffeur because the car is that awesome and I am that relaxed behind the wheel.  This is a completely foreign feeling for me, and I love it.

Have I mentioned that the car is black?  Then blue?  The color changes depending on the light and the angle at which you look at it.  Magic car!

life, humor, change, new car, Modern PhilosopherHow weird is it that I had to be reminded that I had a new car?  I still haven’t driven it anywhere other than to and from work, and I think that’s because there is still some residual driving phobia left over from my previous vehicles.

I’ve always been so afraid of my car breaking down, that I’ve never been one to just get behind the wheel and go for a drive.

I think that might change, though.  Eventually.

Let’s not get crazy and rush into things here.

life, humor, change, new car, Modern PhilosopherThe RAV4 isn’t the only positive, new change in my life.  I’m almost 50 lbs lighter than I was on April 1, and I am now capable of running 6 miles.

Plus, most of my clothes don’t fit anymore, and many of my friends are frustrated with me because I crush them at collecting steps.

It’s like I’m an entirely new person.  Sixteen percent of me has simply been sweated into non-existence.

It’s difficult to remember that I don’t look the same, and I sometimes freak out when I see my reflection.

I’m still a little nervous about testing out the new, improved me in the dating pool, but I’m slowly working up the courage to take a dip.

Change has always made me anxious, but I need to accept that change can be good.

The last adjustment I want to mention has to deal with the future. I’ve been worrying about how I’m going to pay for the car, so yesterday, I decided to take a shot in the dark and reach out to my mysterious benefactor.

Yes, Modern Philosophers, I am a big fan of Great Expectations and like to think of myself as Pip from time to time…even though, I’m probably more like Miss Havisham.

Feeling bold, I sent an email to see if there was any news about my screenplays.  To my great surprise, there has been a flurry of replies assuring me that we might be close to a deal.  And not just on one of my scripts.

life, humor, change, new car, Modern PhilosopherPossible interest in two screenplays!  Trying not to get my hopes up, but since I’m all about change lately, why not change careers to successful screenwriter?

How crazy and cool would that be, Modern Philosophers?

It would certainly be fitting given how wild my life has been lately.  Why not finally have that dream come true?

I could get used to this new life smell…

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

The Devil Declines

The Devil, short story, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, Virginia, mourning, Modern PhilosopherIt’s Sunday, Modern Philosophers, and I know many of you tune into this blog today to read our most popular weekly feature, the Sundays With Satan Short Story Series.

Due to this week’s unfortunate events, however, I have decided to cancel today’s visit from The Devil as The House in the Hill is still in mourning.

This probably works out for the best because Lucifer apparently has his hands full down in Virginia right now.  He’s compiling a list of names, and it’s often difficult to confirm identities when the individuals in question are hiding under masks and bed sheets.

The Prince of Darkness asked me to remind you, dear readers, that he has nothing to do with America’s current state of political affairs.  Despite what the Nuns might have taught you in grammar school, Satan does not go around inspiring people to do bad things, spew hatred, and divide a nation.

He’s more of a warden, responsible for running the prison that will punish these folks for their sins for all eternity.

I hope you can understand that I’m just not in a place right now to conjure up witty banter that often teaches us a lesson about the way we live our lives.

Right now, I need to be alone with my thoughts and spend more time with Cali.

Once again, I’d like to thank everyone who commented on the blog or sent me a private message of condolence about Luna’s passing.  Your words have helped me through a very difficult time, and I’m very lucky to have such a wonderful circle of blog friends.

The Devil, short story, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, Virginia, mourning, Modern PhilosopherYes, Modern Philosophers, I could feel the Blog Love!

I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend, and I promise to do my best to have a new adventure waiting for you next Sunday.

At times like this, I like to remember one of my Dad’s favorite sayings: “Don’t curse the darkness…light a candle.”

I’ve got a candle burning in Luna’s memory.

I simply need more time to mourn before I welcome the Hellfire back into my home.

Be well.  Be kind.  Don’t let the bastards with the tiki torches keep you down…

Posted in Humor, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How To Survive The Grieving Process

grieving, dealing with loss, life hacks, advice, mental health, Modern PhilosopherIt has been a rough week at The House on the Hill, Modern Philosophers, since Miss Luna went to her new home in Kitty Heaven.

As I live alone and don’t have a special someone, I’ve basically been on my own to navigate the grieving process.  It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve done my best to get through the days without curling up in the fetal position and just waiting for it all to get better.

I’m sure I’m not the only one dealing with grief, so I thought I’d share some tips I used this week to try to survive in a world that had simply stopped making sense.

I’m a Modern Philosopher, not a mental health professional, so I have no idea if these suggestions will work for you.  I simply know they came in handy for me…

Let it out.  Your instinct might be to hold it in, to not let others see you in pain, and to spare the rest of the world your burden.  Screw that!

Just let it out.  Cry whenever the tears want to come.  If someone asks you how you’re doing, tell them the truth.  I told Miss Luna’s tale several times over the last few days, and it just felt good to talk about it.  I’d been dealing with her sickness all by myself for so long, and it was a relief to tell others all I’d been through.

You never see bottles of anger, rage, and pain on the shelves in the grocery store, do you?  That’s because no one in their right mind would purchase it.  So why are you keeping it all bottled up inside you?  Talk about your pain, give yourself permission to be angry, and let all that angst outside of its cage deep within you.

I wrote a couple of blog posts about my grief.  One was very sad, the other incredibly angry.  Once I’d let them out, I felt so much better.

grieving, dealing with loss, life hacks, advice, mental health, Modern PhilosopherRun like a lunatic.  Running is how I sweat the fat out of my body, but it also allows me to purge my pain, sadness, anger, and loss.

I ran a lot this week, and even though I really wasn’t in the mood to run, I just put my body on autopilot and hit the road.

I know my running route so well that I can simply zone out and let my body take me where I have to go.  I desperately needed that quiet time out of the house to get myself some fresh air and pound my frustrations into the pavement.

As much as I missed Luna, I don’t recall thinking about her much while I was running.  My brain got to take a break from grieving for a few miles while the rest of my body took over and did all the hard work.

grieving, dealing with loss, life hacks, advice, mental health, Modern PhilosopherWrite.  Writing has been my escape ever since I was a kid.  Back then, I was escaping from an over demanding stepmother, a lonely existence, and the pressure of having to be perfect.

This week, writing allowed me to escape the overwhelming sadness and a sense that there was a hole in my heart.  As I mentioned earlier, I wrote two blog posts this week about Luna’s death.

The first one was my tribute to her, my final goodbye, and a much needed last moment spent with my kitty as I put the words on the page.  I cried like a baby, but thinking about her in such a loving way when I was feeling so lost without her was exactly what I needed.

The second post was my unleashing my anger out into the world.  Again, a very cathartic experience that pushed me where I needed to be in the grieving process.

I also worked on editing my new screenplay.  Escaping into that world gave me another chance to crawl out from under the dark clouds and see the sun momentarily.  Cranking up the creative side of my brain gave my tear ducts time to replenish, and it reminded me that I have the ability to create worlds where I’m not sad and angry.

grieving, dealing with loss, life hacks, advice, mental health, Modern PhilosopherTry dating.  Ironically, the day before Luna died, I decided to reactivate my account on the dating website.

I’ve lost so much weight and was feeling much better about myself.  I’d just gotten a new car, which made me not as embarrassed about picking up a date for the evening.

Of course, my thoughts weren’t on dating after what happened, but women began to write to me, and replying was a welcome distraction.  It was just nice to have an adult conversation with someone who had no idea how upset I was.  Since there’s no one else at The House on Hill to talk to, it helped to have these email chats to keep me company.

Dive into a project.  I had made the bold decision to lease a new car on Saturday, so I was able to keep myself busy all week with the process of lining up the new insurance, registering the vehicle, transferring the plates, and selling my old car.

Then there was all the time spent trying to figure out how the hell I was going to pay for a new car.  Every minute I spent on the RAV4 was a minute I wasn’t sitting alone in the dark crying about Luna.

I’m not saying you have to buy a car, but find a project that will take up a giant chunk of your time.  A little extra stress is better than non-stop grieving.

grieving, dealing with loss, life hacks, advice, mental health, Modern PhilosopherTreasure what you have.  When you’re caught up in your grief, it’s essential that you remember that you haven’t lost everything good in your life.

Seek out whatever it is that makes you happy and treasure it.

For me, that has meant spending extra time with Cali.  She’s a little lost without her sister, but at the same time, she is suddenly aware and excited that she has all of her Daddy’s attention.

Cali was a little deprived of my affection for the last few months because I was so focused on taking care of Luna.  Now I am making sure to find extra time for her, to rub her fat tummy whenever she wants, and to cuddle up with her on the couch as often as possible.

Cali has been curling up on my chest in bed every evening, which has really made the nights easier.  We both really need each other right now, and I am so lucky to have her.

While I’ve shared these tips to make your life easier, I truly hope you never have to put them to use.  Grieving sucks, so I would much rather wish that you never experience loss.

I wanted to take a second before I wrapped this up to thank you for the outpouring of support after Luna’s passing.  Your kind, loving, supportive words really touched me at a time I felt painfully alone.

You are wonderful people.  Thank you!

Posted in Humor, Love | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Zombie Car Rides Again

life, money, cars, humor, Modern PhilosopherMy business managers paid another surprise visit to The House on the Hill today, Modern Philosophers, and I’m sure you can imagine why they decided to pester me.

They reminded me that this is a comedy blog, and that when I write depressing, angry, curse riddled posts about how unfair life is, it is apparently not good for the blog’s bottom line.

They also pointed out that since I leased a new car over the weekend, I need to pay more attention to the bottom line.

Oh what a joy it is to be visited by the men and women in suits, who only care about the money in my bank account, and could care less about the pain in my heart.

Then again, they make an excellent point about three years’ of car payments…

With that in mind, I will attempt to lighten the mood around here a little, but I’m still grieving, and will be for quite some time.

Today, I went to register the RAV4.  After fourteen years of paying $125 to make Zombie Car legal with the state, I knew this one was going to hurt.

Luckily, the financial kick to the junk didn’t hurt quite as much as I’d expected.  I limped out of City Hall with my new registration, the stickers for my plates, and some money still left in my bank account.

Now that Zombie Car was off the tax rolls, I stopped at my mechanic’s the drop off the title.  The plan was for him to arrange to junk the old girl, and because off my current mood, the thought of this made me sad.

life, money, cars, humor, Modern PhilosopherBut I wasn’t going to try to trade her in or sell her.  She was twenty-five years old, on her last legs, and had earned the right to just sit in a junkyard and bask in the sun.

Yes, I was sad to see her go off to retirement, but it seemed like the only real option.

Eric, of course, had other plans.

One of the guys who works for him, some nineteen year old who clearly is a little lost, wanted to buy Zombie Car.

Since he worked for Eric, I had to assume he knew all about the car’s history.  As Jeremy, Eric’s right hand man put it, “The kid has a hard on for that car for some reason.”

So Eric said he would call the junkyards to see what they would offer.

The best the junkers proposed was $125.

Eric said he’d give me $200, and then take it out of the kid’s paycheck.

Truth be told, Modern Philosophers, I didn’t expect anything for Zombie Car.  She served me well, I drove her into the ground, and despite all the stress, she never got me into an accident in fourteen years.

I was thrilled at the idea that she’d still be out on the road.  If the kid wanted to drive her to college in the fall, then I was totally cool with that.  In fact, I was smiling from ear to ear because I liked knowing she would not be rotting away in a junkyard.

So I jumped at the offer, signed over the title, and took Eric’s cash.

life, money, cars, humor, Modern PhilosopherAfter all, this is Maine and there are Zombies everywhere.  Why shouldn’t there be a Zombie Car haunting the roads as well?

It only seems right.  I truly hope Zombie Car brings this kid great happiness and another 150,000 miles.

Plus I’m sure my business managers will be dancing for joy over fact that I temporarily stopped the financial bleeding by plugging the wound with two crisp hundred dollar bills.

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