Early (Snow) Parole

Winter Storm Skylar, Maine, snow day, humor, Modern PhilosopherI cut my morning run short, Modern Philosophers, because it was too eerie out there an hour before dawn.

It was dark and annoyingly silent, there wasn’t another soul to be seen, a bitter cold wind slapped my face, and ominous storm clouds spied on me from overhead.

Add some scary music, and I’d definitely feel like the next victim in an 80s slasher flick.

But The Handsome Runner didn’t feel like having his throat slashed by the Snowman Killer’s jagged icicle, so I only did three miles and escaped with my life.

Of course, it felt like a horror movie because Winter Storm Skylar, Snow Miser’s latest Winter Weapon of Mass Destruction, was on its way to Maine.

Cue the scary music…

The meteorologists have been all over the place with this one, but early predictions of five to eight inches quickly grew to eighteen to twenty-four inches.

No wonder I wanted to get the hell inside this morning.

Snowmageddon was coming, and I wasn’t ready to succumb to the icy, white death.

So I went to work and prayed for a snow day.  Obviously, I couldn’t have a true snow day if I was going into the office, but I was hoping for an early parole and a possible snow day tomorrow if things went as the weather guessers were kinda, sorta thinking they might.

As I’ve established in this ongoing tale of Winter Woe, driving in snow no longer petrifies me now that I have the RAV4.

However, I’d still prefer not to drive in a blizzard.  The less I can put my life at risk and myself in the danger, the better.

Winter Storm Skylar, Maine, snow day, humor, Modern PhilosopherThat’s why I was willing to go to work early.  It wasn’t snowing yet, and I have no problem working when it’s snowing.  I just want to have the option to head for the safety of The House on the Hill before a whiteout scenario and deteriorating road conditions make the drive home dangerous enough to make me long for Southern California.

That was where the early release program entered the thought process.

It was inevitable that they were going to spring us because far too much snow was coming.

It was simply a question of when.

I was chatting with my very attractive friend Dani about our upcoming parole hearing.  We decided to make things interesting and put a friendly wager on it.

Dani guessed a three o’clock pardon for today with a return at ten o’clock tomorrow morning.  Oh, Dani, so easy on the eyes, but so definitely going to lose this bet.

I went with a two o’clock jail break and a snow day tomorrow.

Because two feet of snow is just too much for anyone to have to deal with in the morning, and because it was supposed to snow all day tomorrow.  When would it be safe to be back on the roads again?

I’ll tell you when: Thursday.

We got an email an hour later stating that we were free as a bird at two o’clock, but needed to be back and chained to our desks by ten tomorrow morning.

Dani, the real life Disney Princess, declared our bet a tie.

I told her that tomorrow’s arrival time was definitely going to change as Winter Storm Skylar continued to pile snow outside the homes of the company bigwigs all night.

Winter Storm Skylar, Maine, snow day, humor, Modern PhilosopherI’m very confident that Dani will be buying me dinner, and she’d better save up some money because all the shoveling I’ll need to to do over the next twenty-four hours is going to help me work up quite an appetite!

I’ve yet to get the snow day I so want, but by the looks of things outside my window right now, tomorrow is going to be that day.

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Can’t I Get A Snow Day?

short story, flash fiction, The Devil, snow day, humor, Modern PhilosopherI looked up from my book to see The Devil standing in front of me.

Dressed, as always, in an impeccably tailored suite, my Sunday guest had a devilish grin on his handsome face and held out a bottle of Snapple.

Clearly, if he was bearing gifts, he was up to mischief.

“What did I do to deserve this?” I asked suspiciously as I put down my book and took possession of the bottle.

“I heard that you were once again denied your wish of an adult snow day,” Lucifer answered as he sat down on the other end of the couch.  “Tell me all about how the bad people hurt you.”

Then he flashed that damn charming smile again.  I could understand why so many people traded their immortal soul to the handsome guy in the expensive suit.

He had definitely hit a nerve.  All my adult life, I’ve wanted a snow day.  I’ve been terribly jealous of my friends whose offices closed when we only got a few inches of snow.

I’ve had some delayed openings and early departures, but never an entire day off to just snuggle in front of the fire with a cup of hot cocoa and wait out the storm.

I know I don’t have a fireplace, so no need to point out that fact in the comments.

This is my snow day fantasy, so just let me have it.

short story, flash fiction, The Devil, snow day, humor, Modern PhilosopherSince my company, apparently, never will.

“As you know, another huge blizzard hit Maine this week,” I explained with a heavy sigh as the image of me sitting in front of the fire with a mug of cocoa faded from my mind.  “It didn’t start until after work on Wednesday, but it was supposed to snow all night and then all day Thursday.”

“Yikes!” The Prince of Darkness exclaimed like someone who lives in a kingdom of fire and never has to deal with the annoying white stuff.  “I wouldn’t want to have to go to work on Thursday if it was going to snow for twenty-four consecutive hours.”

“Exactly!” I nodded in agreement and took a long sip of Snapple.  “To their credit, the higher ups sent around an email on Wednesday stating that the work day would be delayed until ten o’clock on Thursday.  We all groaned that they planned to open at all, but I just saw it as the first step in a negotiation that would eventually lead to a snow day.”

“That makes sense,” Satan agreed.  “They wanted to buy themselves some time to make sure the storm was as bad as predicted.  After all, meteorologists are just guessing.  It’s not like any of them can actually see the future.”

“The storm started a couple of hours later than expected, but I still set my alarm in anticipation of having to do a lot of shoveling in order to get the car out of the garage in the morning,” I further explained.  “So even though we had the late start, I basically got up at the same time I would have had I been going for a run.”

“No need to run when you are shoveling snow all morning,” The Devil assumed correctly.

short story, flash fiction, The Devil, snow day, humor, Modern Philosopher“I shoveled for an hour an a half,” I groaned as I recalled the heavy labor of Thursday morning.  “It was snowing so hard that once I’d finished clearing the snow at the bottom of the driveway, I had to shovel the rest all over again.  In all that time, I never once saw a car or a pedestrian on my street.  No one was stupid enough to be out in the blizzard except for me.”

“Because everyone else already had the day off?” Lucifer asked the million dollar question.

“Bingo!” I replied.  “My street hadn’t been plowed since the middle of the night, so I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get the RAV up the block through all the snow.”

The Prince of Darkness shook his head in disapproval.  “Why would they expect you to go to work if the conditions were that poor?  Even if you made it to the office safely, you’d be stuck there while snow continued to fall and road conditions worsened.”

I didn’t bother to answer that question as the answer was obvious.  I simply drained my Snapple and then fished another bottle out of the cooler.

“After I finished clearing the driveway a second time, I got a text that the office would be opening at one o’clock rather than ten,” I informed my guest, who was clearly hanging on every word of my misfortune.  “A quick check of the weather apps revealed that the blizzard was expected to continue raging until six o’clock.  But we were going to have to drive through it not once, but twice, to work for four hours.”

“That sounds like the kind of plan I would come up with to torture the Damned,” Satan opined as the wheels in his head turned with ideas for a new ring of Hell.  “Again, why put your employees through that?  If you’re already opening that late, why not just close for the day and keep everyone safe?”

short story, flash fiction, The Devil, snow day, humor, Modern Philosopher“I think there should be a rule that if you don’t open before lunch, you don’t open at all!” I growled.  “What better way to win over the hearts and minds of the worker bees than by giving them the day off to play in the snow, and not put their lives in danger by traveling on perilous roads?”

“Maybe you should be running that company,” The Devil suggested and then flashed an evil grin.  The kind that implied he could make that sort of thing happen.

“If I can’t even get promoted in my own department, I don’t think I’ll ever rise to the top of the company,” I grumbled and chugged some more Snapple.

“If you campaigned on the promise of snow days for everyone, I bet the frustrated worker bees would vote you into office,” Lucifer said, thereby betraying that he has absolutely no idea how big companies work.

But I liked that he believed in my ability to be a leader.  It’s nice to know that somebody does.  Even if it doesn’t do anything for my dream of getting a snow day…

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Can I Trust A Computer To Find Me A Date?

humor, relationships, online dating, Modern PhilosopherI woke up this morning determined to do something about finding a date, Modern Philosophers.

I feel like I’m ready to get back out there again, I’m in much better shape, and I’m tired of being alone.

The plan was to delete my profile from the dating website and start over from scratch.

I’d created the profile fourteen years ago after I got divorced, and I’ve used the site off and on over the years. Never with much luck, but I knew I had to start looking for a date somewhere.

Plus, I’ve gotten it into my head that my online profile is jinxed. I mean, what else could possibly explain my lack of luck with finding a date?

I can’t even get anyone to write back to me on the site when I send a well-written, well thought out email.

Cursed.  It’s the only explanation.

All the surveys I filled out to help create the algorithm the site uses to find me a match were fourteen years old.  I’ve changed a lot in that time, so I doubt that the computer is using the correct data to find me love.

It just made sense to delete the profile and start over again.

Of course, the site does not make it easy for you to leave.  Simply finding the link to learn how to vanish was a Herculean task, and I’m sure Hercules never tried online dating.

Once I found the directions to delete my online profile, I was besieged with warnings that I would regret my decision.  I almost got the sense that the site would send someone to The House on the Hill to kneecap me if I tried to leave.

humor, relationships, online dating, Modern PhilosopherClearly, the computer was opposed to my decision to give up on its efforts to find someone special for me, and there was no way for me to explain that I planned to stay.

All I wanted was a new start.

A paranoia gripped me.  What if the computer was suspicious of my deleting a profile and then immediately creating a new one?  What if this led to it being biased in creating its next algorithm for me?  Would it be possible for the computer to hold back replies to me from other members on the site?

So I decided to take another tact.  The instructions urged me to forgo deleting my profile and improve my current one instead.

The first bit of advice was to be positive and come up with a great headline to really catch the attention of other users.

This made sense, so I looked at my current headline which was…

I Don’t Want To Die Alone

Okay.  Even though that was the truth and summed up why I was looking for someone special, I could also see where it might scare away potential dates.

I created a cheesy, sunshine and unicorns headline to replace it.

humor, relationships, online dating, Modern PhilosopherThen the site suggested I use a profile picture that showed me smiling and looking like I was having fun.  So demanding.

The pic I had on the site went with the old headline.  I was standing in an empty grave and a friend, dressed as the Angel of Death, was shoveling dirt down onto me.

That had to go since it would make absolutely no sense with the new headline.

I found a rare selfie in which I was both smiling and not covered in sweat after a run.

Then the site, aka The All Knowing Love Computer, told me to write about myself in the manner in which my friends would describe me.

That got me thinking, “Do you mean the same friends who never have any single friends, relatives, neighbors, or coworkers to set me up with on a date?”.

I guess they’d say things like, Austin is kind of weird, he hates being around people, and while he’s hilarious, he knows he’s smarter than the rest of us and always has these subtle ways of reminding us of that…

That’s not going to get me any dates.

humor, relationships, online dating, Modern PhilosopherI thought about it some more, and came up with Austin is a quirky introvert, who never wants to leave The House on the Hill to do anything with us, so we’ve stopped inviting him.  He’d much rather stay home to write, read, or watch the Yankees game…

None of that sounded any good, so after making a mental note to be mad at all my friends the next time I saw them, I put on my writer’s hat and created a positive, interesting profile for King Introvert.

Hey, I’m a writer, so by using my creativity in my profile, I’m really giving the ladies a true look into my inner psyche.

The last tip from The Beautiful Computer Mind Looking For Love For Me was to list some intriguing interests.  It suggested activities that couples could do together to better get to know each other.  I also took it to mean that I should delete any current interests that might make me sound like an outcast or weirdo.

So I deleted cool stuff from my current list like fortifying my panic room, running surveillance on any stranger who walks down my block, and preparing for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

I maintain that all those things are activities a couple can do together and really learn about each other in the process, but I also get that they might limit the algorithm’s ability to find any matches.

humor, relationships, online dating, Modern PhilosopherBecause no one else on the site might be as unique as I am.

I added more “couple friendly” interests, but I did refuse to budge on one item on the list.  If a woman isn’t intrigued by the fact that I list working on my time machine as an interest, then she is not someone I want to know.

Unless, of course, she is eager to help me with the panic room so Zombies and strangers can never harm us…

I saved the changes to my new and improved profile, and then sent several emails to women whose profiles caught my attention.

So far, I’ve gotten one reply.  Hey, it’s one more than I usually get.

I’m cautiously optimistic that a computer can find me a date, but I don’t see anyone else even trying…

Posted in Dating, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Snow Magnet

humor, sarcasm, winter, Maine, Modern PhilosopherI have a theory, Modern Philosophers, but I hesitate to share it because science has never really been my thing.

I mean, I keep a team of scientists on retainer, aka locked in the basement, in case I ever need something scientific explained on the blog.

But I’m going to take a chance here and open up about this idea because the blog is a safe place.

It’s probably not going to win me a Nobel Prize, but if it just puts me in the conversation, I’d be thrilled.  You know, given how I’m nothing close to a scientific genius.

Okay, here goes…

I think I’m a snow magnet.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my brain, the headache that’s been plaguing me all day has suddenly dissipated.

What a relief.

Seriously, though, snow finds me no matter where I am.

When I lived in Southern California, it snowed once.  It never snows in Southern California.  But it did when I was out there.


See the above theory, which I’ve put in bold letters so it’s easy for you to find.

Take tonight for instance.  I had a very long day at work, and I didn’t feel like going for a walk after dinner.   But the weather was actually nice, most of the snow from yesterday’s blizzard had melted away, and I thought a little fresh air might get rid of the stench of my work week.

humor, sarcasm, winter, Maine, Modern PhilosopherI’d gone maybe a quarter mile when it began to snow.  I had no idea it was supposed to snow tonight, and it probably would not have if I’d just stayed inside like I’d originally planned.

But I had to go out there, a shining beacon to snowflakes, and bring down Snow Miser’s wrath upon my unsuspecting neighborhood.

It wasn’t a light snow, either.  It was coming down so hard that it was already accumulating on the street by the time I’d made it back to The House on the Hill.  Just me and my stupid magnetism at work.

I’m inside now.  All warm on the couch, having shed my wet, snow covered clothes for something dry and cozy.

I bet if I looked out the window, I’d discover that it was no longer snowing.

But I’m not getting up off this couch.

If I get too close to the windows or doors, I might start attracting snow again.  And I really don’t feel like spending any time shoveling this weekend.

If only I could attract the ladies the same way I bring on the icy, white stuff.

Of course, this belief that I am a snow magnet does nothing good for my Post Traumatic Snow Disorder.  I thought I finally had that under control this winter, having overcome my paralyzing fear of driving in snow thanks to the RAV4.

humor, sarcasm, winter, Maine, Modern PhilosopherHow can I say I’m cured of my PTSD, though, when I think that I have some sort of superhuman ability to conjure up snow?

How ironic would it be if it turned out that I possessed a superpower very similar to that of Snow Miser, my sworn enemy?

This is a little too trippy for a Friday night.

I need to turn off my brain, enjoy the whoopie pie I picked up at the grocery store, and curl up on the couch to watch some shows from the DVR.

Enough of this snow magnet theory…it’s too much!

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Going That Extra Tenth of a Mile

running, fitness, health, the kindness of strangers, humor, Modern PhilosopherWhile I sit here at The House on the Hill, Modern Philosophers, waiting for the arrival of the next blizzard scheduled to drop over a foot of snow on Maine, I thought I’d share a touching story from my morning run.

Running during the Maine winter is no easy task.  It’s always cold, the roads are forever icy and snow covered, and it’s usually dark and lonely along my route.

I’m proud of myself for sticking with my five day a week running schedule, despite the depressing conditions, and it’s mornings like this one that make it all worthwhile.

It was dark, cold, and quiet as usual this morning.  I cut down a little cul-de-sac, my mind pondering the upcoming storm, and it took me a moment to notice the pickup pulling out of a driveway up ahead on my left.

I decided to avoid traffic, and just turned around to head back onto the main road.  I made sure to move far to the left to give the truck plenty of room to pass.

To my surprise, however, the driver pulled up next to me, said good morning, and asked me how far I was running.

I told him I planned to go four miles.

He then asked, after a pause, if I wouldn’t mind running an extra tenth of a mile for him.

I replied that it would be no problem and offered a smile, which he could not see since I was wearing my face mask.

He thanked me, gave me a wave, and wished me a blessed day.

running, fitness, health, the kindness of strangers, humor, Modern PhilosopherThat’s the sort of thing that gives me hope for this world.  The kindness of strangers, a warm smile, a friendly wave, a sincere gesture of good will…how could it not put a smile on my face and make me feel better about my day?

I’ve had people ask me to put in some extra miles for them on my run, but this stranger only asked for a tenth of a mile.

Something about that really warmed my heart.

And made me want to grant his request.

So instead of turning at the next corner, I went a little further down the main road, and then doubled back.

I bypassed the usual turn down my street to go to the next block before coming back to end my run in my driveway.

When I checked my FitBit when all was said and done, I’d gone 4.12 miles.

He ended up getting an eighth of a mile.  As those of you who grasp the concept of fractions know, an eighth of a mile is longer than a tenth.

That was how I started my day.  I welcomed the break from the usual lonely run, and it was nice to have something to distract me from thoughts of the upcoming blizzard.

running, fitness, health, the kindness of strangers, humor, Modern PhilosopherSince I haven’t updated you on my running/fitness progress lately, let me take a moment to share that I’m now doing four mile runs before work.  That’s up from the usual three to three and a half miles.

I’m also averaging 26,000 steps a day for the past week.  I cracked 183,000 for the week last night.

Yes, I’m a little out of control, but it feels good.  Spring is coming, and I can’t wait for the warmer, sunnier weather so I can go for much longer runs.

It’s certainly easier when kind strangers lend a hand…

Posted in Fitness, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Investing In The Oscars

The Oscars, Academy Awards, short story, The Devil, humor, Modern PhilosopherThe Devil appeared at my front door in an impeccably tailored tuxedo.  He looked like he’d just stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine.

Meanwhile, I was schlepping around in ratty sweatpants, my Nite Show fleece, and a Yankees cap.

In other words, it was a typical Sunday at The House on the Hill.

“Happy Oscars Sunday!” Lucifer declared as he entered my home followed by two of the ugliest, foulest smelling Demons I had ever encountered.

The Demons deposited two enormous platters of chicken wings on the living room table, and then mercifully vanished with a snap of their master’s fingers.

“I take it those are your world famous Hellfire Wings?” I asked as I wandered over to let the delicious odor waft into my nose.

“And the Oscar goes to Austin!” The Prince of Darkness chuckled as he strutted into the room as if he were making his way down a runway.  “How come you’re not excited for the big day?  You used to love the Academy Awards.”

I shrugged and grabbed two bottles of Snapple from the cooler.  I handed one to my guest and then took my usual spot on the couch.

“I guess with every passing year that I don’t win an Oscar, my interest in the ceremony wanes,” I admitted.  “I still hope to win one of those gold statues some day, but at the moment, the odds don’t seem to be forever in my favor.”

The Oscars, Academy Awards, short story, The Devil, humor, Modern PhilosopherSatan flashed a million dollar smile before taking a sip of his Snapple.

“Bonus points for the movie reference,” he informed me as he sat down on his end of the couch.  “I believe in you, and implore you to never give up on your dream.”

“Thanks,” I replied with a shy smile.

He was one hundred percent right, of course.  I used to wake up like a kid on Christmas morning every Academy Awards Sunday, but that excitement had vanished recently.

Last year, I didn’t even bother to stay up for the end of the ceremony, and I missed the big screw up over the announcement of the Best Picture winner.

“Why are you so into the Academy Awards?” I questioned as I eyed the wings hungrily.

“I see it as an opportunity to check on my investments,” The Devil revealed with a wink and a trademark devilish smile.  “That auditorium is packed with people who are destined to spend eternity under my watchful eye.”

“Are you saying everyone at the Oscars tonight made a deal with you to get nominated?” I asked.  “I hope they were at least smart enough to hold out for a victory, rather than just a mere nomination, before they traded you their immortal souls.”

The Oscars, Academy Awards, short story, The Devil, humor, Modern Philosopher“You realize they all have agents because they are totally clueless as to how to negotiate a decent deal, right?” Lucifer replied.  “Fortunately for me, however, most of my future guests traded away their souls to me long ago simply to get a first role, or to have a huge opening weekend.”

“The others with reservations in Hell are coming to me after they die because of reprehensible behavior that has only recently come to light in the press, but has always been on my radar.  Cheers to Hollywood!”

He raised his bottle of iced tea, and I felt compelled to tap it in a toast.  Not because I was celebrating criminal behavior, but because I love the idea of just desserts.

“But not everyone at the Oscars is going to Hell, right?”  There had to be some hope on that issue because I still wanted to be nominated eventually, but didn’t want an automatic trip to Hell as part of the deal.

“No, there are still some people who made it in Hollywood without cutting a deal with yours truly, or by committing an outrageous number of unforgivable offenses,” The Prince of Darkness assured me.  “It’s most independent filmmakers and the behind the scenes types, though.”

“That makes sense,” I mumbled as I didn’t really find much comfort in his words.

Daisy Ridley, Star Wars, The Oscars, Academy Awards, short story, The Devil, humor, Modern Philosopher“Don’t worry, your beloved Daisy Ridley is not on my list, if that’s what’s got your toga in such a twist,” Satan ribbed from his end of the couch.  “There’s still a chance you can one day have a lightsaber duel in Heaven with your Hollywood crush.”

My face lit up in an enormous smile.  Now I was in a mood to watch the Oscars.

“We don’t have to wait for the show to begin to start eating these, do we?” I asked with a hunger in my eyes that made it obvious what the answer to my question should be.

“Of course not,” The Devil agreed.  “Why do you think I brought two platters?”

Enjoy the Oscars, Modern Philosophers!

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Dating Tips For St Patrick’s Day

St. Patrick's Day, dating tips, relationships, life hacks, humor, Modern PhilosopherSt. Patrick’s Day falls on a Saturday this year, Modern Philosophers, so I wanted to share some dating tips for those of you hoping to make Irish eyes smile that night.

Keep in mind, I am half Irish and used to date a beautiful young lady from Dublin, so giving advice on this topic should be right up my alley.

Then again, I am hopelessly single, so take whatever I say with a grain of salt.

Dating is hard, and any advice is helpful, so don’t shake a shillelagh at what I’m offering until you try it.

Some tips on how to approach dating on St. Patrick’s Day…

Don’t wear green.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Don’t wear green on a St. Patrick’s Day date.  Everyone else will be wearing the color, so this will make you stand out.  It will definitely catch your date’s attention and be a conversation starter.  Nothing kills a first date faster than a failure to communicate, so bringing an icebreaker to the table in the form of your wardrobe choice is a genius idea.  Plus, tradition states that she has to pinch you for not wearing green on the holiday.  Who knows where a simple pinch might lead?

St. Patrick's Day, dating tips, relationships, life hacks, humor, Modern PhilosopherTry pushing a new button.  Don’t be the lame dude who wears a Kiss Me I’m Irish button on a date.

That’s as predictable as wearing green and bringing her corned beef and cabbage rather than flowers.

If you want a kiss, you need to earn it.  Pins are a fun St. Patrick’s Day tradition, though, so why not come up with something creative to show your date that you’re witty and can think outside of the Kiss Me box?

How about these pin ideas: Tell Me About Your Irish Heritage, St. Patrick Is My Wing Man, or I’m A Great Listener?

Just be different and the Luck of the Irish might be with you, my friend.

St. Patrick's Day, dating tips, relationships, life hacks, humor, Modern PhilosopherMcDonald’s is not Irish food.  Don’t take your date for fast food on St. Patrick’s Day if you want to have a second date.

Sure, McDonald’s is an Irish name.  Yes, they have Shamrock Shakes.  Of course, french fries as the most delicious form of the most consistent staple of the Irish diet.

If there’s a dollar menu or an item that offers a toy as part of the meal, you are not in the proper establishment for a date on this holiest of Irish holidays.  St. Patrick himself is going to come down and drive you out from under the golden arches like you are a snake in Ireland.

You don’t need to make reservations as the fanciest place in town, but any place that accepts reservations would be an excellent choice.  Bonus points if honored members of the staff are not a clown, a burglar of hamburgers, and an enormous purple blob that no one can identify, but will haunt your nightmares for years.

St. Patrick's Day, dating tips, relationships, life hacks, humor, Modern PhilosopherPick Dropkick Murphys over U2.  I am a huge U2 fan, have seen them twice in concert, and consider them one of the best bands of all time.

But if you need to pick music for a St. Patrick’s Day date, go with Dropkick Murphys because that’s the band your date thinks she wants to hear.

In her mind, bad boys are more attractive.  She wants bad ass over preachy.

Down the line, of course, your date will realize she prefers the long term excellence and dependence U2 has to offer.  But at the moment, she’s got tunnel vision, so pick the band that will make you look better in her eyes.

Carry a potato.  The Sweet Irish Girl confirmed that potatoes are a very important part of the Irish menu, and not just a stereotype.  We had them with every meal we prepared together when she was at The House on the Hill.  Why not bring one along and pull it out at some random moment on a date?  The spud would be a great conversation starter, and better yet, it would help in case of the dreaded dating emergency…absolute silence.

Plus, it makes a yummy snack and can be prepared in any number of ways!

St. Patrick's Day, dating tips, relationships, life hacks, humor, Modern PhilosopherTreat it like any other day of the year.  As I pointed out earlier, dating is hard.  Don’t make it any more difficult by putting added pressure on the event just because it’s March 17th.

Of course, if you believe in the Luck of the Irish, then feel free to think that St. Patrick is smiling down on you and your date.

Best of luck to those of you looking for that special someone on St. Patrick’s Day.  I hope these tips come in handy.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Modern Philosophers!

Posted in Dating, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments