How To Date Like A Snowman

dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherHow’s it going, Modern Philosophers?

I’m just in from shoveling snow, which got me to thinking that the holidays will soon be upon us.  And no one likes to be single for the holidays.

Trust me, I know this from far too much experience.

Now that I’m inside and thawed out, I thought that I would share some dating advice to help you all find that someone special for the holiday season.

Don’t be dissuaded from using my words of wisdom simply because I’m perpetually single.  This is awesome advice, and it should totally work as long as you are not jinxed in relationships like I am.

Having been inspired by my time out in the snow, I’m going to advise you on how to date like a snowman…

dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherDress for Success. Snowmen don’t wear much, but what they do put on, shows that they are totally classy.

They’re almost always sporting a stylish hat and a colorful scarf.

Learn from the snowman.  Keep it simple, but make a lasting impression.

Be Positive. Have you ever seen a snowman that wasn’t smiling?  Maybe in that nightmare you have where snowmen break into your house and try to rebuild you, but in real life, those guys are always grinning.

Learn from the snowman.  He’s out in the freezing cold all day, barely dressed, but he’s got a thousand watt smile to keep him comfortable.

The saying might be that opposites attract, but I’m here to tell you that positives attract.  Keep it all sunshine and unicorns, and your date will be a success.

dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherListen to Her.  Aside from Frosty, snowmen don’t talk very much.

Follow that lead.  Don’t dominate the conversation.  Don’t make the whole date about you.

Listen to her.  Let her tell you about her, about her life, about her cats.  It doesn’t matter, dude.  Just listen.  She wants to know that you hear her, and that you care.

Be Cool.  Is anyone cooler than a snowman?  Out in the sub-freezing temps all day, just hanging out, never in a rush to get anywhere because no one tells a snowman what to do.

Your date will dig that vibe, too.  Show her that you are totally unflappable.  You just go with the flow.  It’s all good.

A snowman never lets you see him sweat.  Make that your dating mantra.

dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherDon’t Worry About Body Image.  Don’t be that guy who spends so much time worrying about how he looks that he doesn’t properly prepare for a date.

Also, don’t fret that you’re not good looking enough for her, or that she’s totally out of your league.  Just be you.

Snowmen are all fat, with skinny arms, and big, round, bald heads.  You never see a snowman working out or buying a wig, right?  That’s because he’s confident in who he is.

You need to be snowman confident.  Your date will notice because confidence is sexy.

Blame the Weather.  If for some reason the date turns out to be a total disaster, and you need to being it to a merciful end, blame the weather. Just tell her you need to leave before you melt.  She’s can’t argue with that.

I hope this advice has helped.  Good luck finding your special someone!

Posted in Dating, Holidays | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Highly Anticipated Return of the Sunday Rejects

The Nite Show, Danny Cashman, monologue jokes, writing, humor, Modern PhilosopherIt’s been a long time, Modern Philosophers, since I’ve shared some of my monologue jokes with you.

Now that we’ve survived Election Day, I thought we might celebrate by welcoming the Sunday Rejects back to the blog.

As you know, I wrote a multitude of monologue jokes for every taping of The Nite Show With Danny Cashman, but only a chosen few make it onto TV.

I’m proud to say that at this week’s taping, the first two jokes Danny told were written by me.  In fact, I had come up with one of them just that morning on my run.

Here are a few of the jokes that didn’t make the cut.  I worked very hard on them, so it only seems fair that someone should get to enjoy them.  I present The Sunday Rejects:

Election Day was Tuesday.  The numbers are still coming in, but at this point, it looks like actual registered American voters outnumbered Russian hackers by about a 4 to 1 margin at the polls.  That’s a huge improvement over 2016…

I’ve got some bad news.  Election Day might be over, but the groundhog has renounced his citizenship and fled to Canada, which means we’re doomed to two more years of President Trump…

The Nite Show, Danny Cashman, monologue jokes, writing, humor, Modern PhilosopherElection Day is finally over and some people might be feeling a little depressed over the results.  Here’s some good news to put it all into perspective: Two years in, and President Trump has yet to make Purge Night a reality…

Congratulations to Senator Angus King on winning re-election.  By doing so, he has officially moved past Stephen King to become the second most popular King in Maine.  He now trails only Burger King…

Megyn Kelly is out at NBC.  And I hear her interview at BET did not go well at all…

On this day in history in 1969, Sesame Street premiered on PBS.  Despite all the technological advances we’ve had over the past 49 years, my car’s GPS still can’t tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street…

Veteran’s Day is Monday.  President Trump was scheduled to serve as Grand Marshal for the parade until he got a note from his doctor, excusing him due to bone spurs…

Veteran’s Day is Monday.  President Trump has declared that for the first time ever, the holiday will honor the veterans of The War on Christmas…

The Maine Harvest Festival is this weekend at the Cross Insurance Center in Bangor.  Based on the distinct aroma in the air downtown today, I’d guess this year’s marijuana harvest was rather robust…

Thanksgiving is next Thursday.  Based on how things have been going in the country lately, I’d say it’s something of an ironic holiday…

Next Thursday is Thanksgiving.   You know why we call it Thanksgiving, right?  Because we are all extremely thankful if we can just make it through dinner without experiencing a total family meltdown…

The Nite Show, Danny Cashman, monologue jokes, writing, humor, Modern PhilosopherCyber Monday is coming.  That, of course, is the day the robots rise up to enslave us because we’re all to busy shopping online to stop them…

“The Impeachment of Bill Clinton” airs tomorrow night on A&E.  The network also announced that it hopes to be able to air “The Impeachment of Donald Trump” within the next six months…

On this day in history in 1928, the Boston Garden officially opened.  The very first beer was thrown at a player by a fan a mere three minutes later…

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Did any of the Sunday Rejects tickle your funny bone?

The Nite Show with Danny Cashman airs on Saturday nights in Maine.  You can check out clips on the show’s YouTube channel, follow it on Twitter @TheNiteShowME, and like its page on Facebook.

Posted in Humor, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Sessions Wouldn’t Use Elfin Magic To Stop The Caravan

Jeff Sessions, Donald Trump, caravan, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherPresident Trump’s reason for firing fun size Attorney General Jeff Session is becoming a little clearer, Modern Philosophers.

My source inside the White House informs me that the original theory floating around the internet is a complete fabrication.

“President Trump did not fire Jeff Sessions because he was frustrated his Attorney General wasn’t tall enough to go on the rides with him at amusement parks,” my source explained.  “The President actually hates roller coasters because they remind him too much of his marriages.”

So then why was the nation’s top lawyer, who was only knee high to a grasshopper, relieved of duties by President Trump?

“It’s all about the caravan,” my White House insider assured me.  “President Trump wanted Attorney General Sessions to use Elfin magic to turn the members of the caravan into stone statues, that would then remain along the road to deter other large groups from trekking hundreds of miles to try to sneak into America.”

To be fair, Sessions made it clear from the start that he did not intend to use any of his Elfin powers in his position as Attorney General.

Dobby, Jeff Sessions, Donald Trump, caravan, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherPer Sessions, there needed to be a clear division between the magical realm in which he could reveal his true self (as seen in the photo on the left), and the world of politics, where he had to take human form so as not to frighten or enrage the unstable monsters on Trump’s administration.

“President Trump knew that was the deal when he appointed Sessions Attorney General,” my source continued, “but once the President turned the caravan into a threat the likes of which his dimwitted followers had never before seen, he needed to do something incredible to stop the threat, and make himself look insanely powerful.”

Which is, of course, where Sessions’ Elfin magic came into play.

And I must admit, turning the caravan into stone statues would be quite the power move, and something Trump could lord over the Democrats for years to come.

Human statues top a border wall any day of the week, and would save the country billions of dollars.  What immigration plan could the Democrats ever propose that would top that?

Jeff Sessions stood his ground, however, even when his boss threatened to lock him in a room with Steve Bannon until he took Elf form and used his magic to do his bidding.

As a result, Jeff Sessions is out as Attorney General.

Jeff Sessions, Donald Trump, caravan, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo where does that leave Trump’s Caravan of Terror?  Slowly trudging its way towards our southern border, Modern Philosophers.

My source tells me that President Trump has calls out to Rick Grimes, who he feels is the only person who can both take out the caravan, and bring the kind of bravado to the Attorney General position that his administration needs.

Mr. Grimes could not be reached for comment.

I also made multiple attempts to contact Jeff Sessions for this post.  However, I was told that he was enjoying his newfound freedom, and too busy baking cookies in his favorite tree to talk to me.

Good luck and happy baking, Mr. Sessions!

Posted in Humor, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Zeus Names Trump The Greek God Of Lying

Zeus, Trump, mythology, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherZeus, having recently become a huge fan of American Politics, today named President Donald Trump the Greek God of Lying.

“He is so good at it, that he believes his own lies,” Zeus explained via Skype from Mount Olympus.  “He is the antithesis of George Washington, which makes him the current poster boy for Washington, DC.  I love the irony, and have to have him on my team.”

No word yet on whether Trump has accepted the position.  He’s most likely clearing it through the proper channels, and making sure that the new title will not interfere with his work as President of the United States.

Who am I kidding?  He’s just been too busy firing people, venting his pent up rage via Twitter, and, you guessed it…lying.

“I thought once Election Day passed, he might cut back on the lies and try to dabble in the truth a little,” Zeus added with a chuckle, “but he just slammed his foot down on the gas, opened the throttle, and kept burning rubber on the lie highway.”

Due to space constraints, this blog is unable to list all the lies President Trump has told since he was elected.  Hell, we probably don’t have the space to list all the lies he’s told since he woke up this morning.

Zeus, Trump, mythology, politics, humor, Modern Philosopher“I wasn’t looking to add a new god to the lineup, but the audacity with which Trump spreads his message of falsehoods is the thing of mythology.  He is a storyteller the likes of which mortals have not seen in ages.  I mean, seriously, how does he just lie that often and always with a straight face?  And not to insult you mortals, but why do so many people believe him, and take his word as gospel?  It boggles the mind.”

This Modern Philosopher had no answer for the Father of the Greek gods.  I’m just as stumped as he is.

“I’m really hooked on this whole caravan story line,” Zeus admitted.  “I want to see where he takes it now that the election is done.  Will the caravan simply vanish now that it’s served its purpose, or will Trump continue to use it as his slow moving boogeyman, who pops up in the narrative whenever he needs to scare the hell out of people?”

“We’ve got a little pool going up here on Mount Olympus.  I say Trump uses the caravan to justify his firing of Jeff Sessions.  He’s going to introduce a plot point along the lines of Sessions organized the caravan, or he controls it via a drone or with his mind.  Better yet, maybe Sessions refused to use his elfin magic to turn the members of the caravan into stone pillars to serve as a warning to future caravans.  Whatever lie Trump goes with, this game is so much fun!”

When asked why he decided that now was the time to bestow this honor on President Trump, Zeus confessed that the Greek gods’ Twitter feed was really boring, and he saw adding Trump as a great way to bring it back to life.

Zeus, Trump, mythology, politics, humor, Modern Philosopher“The results of the midterms prove that an alarming amount of Americans hang on Trump’s every word, and worship him like a god,” Zeus stated bluntly.  “Why not align myself with someone with that kind of power?  Plus, I’m looking to add diversity, and Trump would be our first orange god.  If he’s good enough for the Electoral College, he’s good enough for Mount Olympus!”

In looking over this post, I’ve realized that this story is such a ridiculous lie, that it’s almost as if it came from President Trump himself…

Posted in Humor, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

The People I Meet On My Runs

running, health, fitness, humor, Modern PhilosopherGetting back into shape wasn’t the only reason I took up running, Modern Philosophers.

I was hoping it would make me more social and help me to meet new people.  I have no problem diagnosing myself as a socially awkward introvert, whose quirkiness makes it even more challenging to want to get to know me.

Runners are a pleasant, yet quirky bunch, so I hoped they might welcome me into their herd without much judgment.

So far, my plan has not worked as well as I’d hoped.  Whenever I pass a fellow runner on the road, I’ll get a wave, a smile, and a quick hello.  I love that.  However, I’ve only made one new friend.  The rest are just familiar sweaty faces I pass on my way to my mile goal for the day.

This week, I decided to step it up a notch and be a little more social.  To be honest, I’m not sure what came over me.

Perhaps I was filled with the Halloween spirit.

Or maybe I was just feeling lonely again.

Whatever it was, I got my social butterfly on this week, and made some friends.  I thought I’d take some time out of my busy social schedule to tell you all about it.

running, health, fitness, humor, Modern PhilosopherThis is Gary Lincoln.  I used to write often about Gary on the blog, but then my sponsors asked me to get away from the Otherworldly Beings content, and write more about politics, fitness, and my ridiculous dating experiences/failures.

For those of you who don’t remember, Gary is the Leader of Maine’s Largest Werewolf Pack.

As Leader of the Pack, Gary has the power to allow me to run with the Werewolves during their monthly howler across the state.  That has really helped me get into shape, and is quite the fitness challenge.

Now that I think about it, they gave Kevin Costner two Oscars for dancing with wolves.  One would imagine I deserve something even better for running with them.

What’s up, Hollywood?  Where’s my Academy Award?

I’m glad Gary and I have reconnected.  And I owe that all to my running.

Gary is an excellent running partner…I’ve never run as fast as I have when I’m being chased by a Werewolf!

running, health, fitness, humor, Modern PhilosopherThis is Galaxia.  Great name, right?

We met the other morning when she stopped me on my run to ask me for directions to City Hall.

I feared she might be another weirdo stopping to offer me a beer.  Turns out she just moved to Maine and wanted to register to vote before Election Day.

I asked her where she was from, and Galaxia just replied, “From very far away”, and then glanced up longingly at the sky.

What really got my attention, though, was her sense of humor.  She cracked a joke about how I probably assumed she was a Republican because she was extremely white.

Then she revealed that she was a rare Albino Democrat, who could not wait to send a blue wave rolling across the country on Tuesday.

We really hit it off, and we’re meeting up for drinks tonight after she’s done with her all day session at the tanning salon.

I just had a sense that running would be the way to meet my special someone.  I have this feeling that Galaxia could be the one who brings my dead heart back to life.

running, health, fitness, humor, Modern PhilosopherThis morning, when I was out running in the rain, I met Ray.

Ray was lamenting that he was out in the storm with absolutely no rain gear.

I told him if he only had a brain, he might have thought to put on a raincoat or grab an umbrella.  He thought that was hilarious, so I liked him instantly.

Since I was nice and dry in my rain jacket and hat, I decided to stay out in the rain to keep poor Ray company until his Uber arrived.

I have to give my new friend props.  The whole time we were hanging out, not a single crow dared to come into the area.

Well, I need to wrap this up because it’s almost time to meet Galaxia.  Just wanted you guys to know that I was still running and making more of an effort to be social.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Posted in Fitness, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Zombie Fun Run Turns Tragic When Stragglers Are Eaten

Halloween, Zombies, running, humor, Modern PhilosopherI warned them it wasn’t a good idea to change the annual Halloween Zombie Fun Run from a 5K to a 10K, but no one listened to me, Modern Philosophers.

First of all, you’re always inviting trouble when you deal with metrics.  What’s wrong with the All-American mile?

More importantly, this is a Halloween Zombie Fun Run, which means that most of the entrants aren’t hardcore runners looking to set personal best times.

3.1 miles isn’t that hard to cover when you run only once a year.  Heck, you can walk most of it and not even break a sweat.

Bump that distance to 6.2 miles, however, and you’re opening the door to cramping, chest pains, shortness of breath, rivers of sweat, and people passing out in the streets.

Plus, at the Zombie Fun Run, most participants are decked out in bulky Halloween costumes, that are bound to slow their progress.  Add to that the fact that onlookers are encouraged to pelt the runners with Halloween candy.

That makes for a very slow pace over twice the normal distance.

Halloween, Zombies, running, humor, Modern PhilosopherAnd I haven’t even mentioned yet what makes Maine’s Halloween Zombie Fun Run unique:  A herd of actual Zombies is released to chase the participants along the course.

Maine has a sizeable Zombie population, most of which is confined to the North Woods and monitored around the clock by Maine Zombie Hunters.

But every Halloween Season, the Zombies are allowed to move into more populated areas to give the tourists a thrill.

And the culmination of it all is the Zombie Fun Run on October 30.

As you know, Zombies are painstakingly slow.  They trudge along at a clip that even a drunk could stay ahead of on a bad day, but over the course of 6.2 miles, on crowded streets, in a heavy costume, while people are pelting you with candy, an out of shape individual might not be able to outrun a determined pack of hungry Zombies.

I warned race officials that something horrible was bound to happen, but they assured me that every precaution was being taken to make sure the Zombies never caught up with the slowest participants in the race.

One thing I’ve learned in my fifteen years in Maine is to never underestimate the freakish powers of any Otherworldly Being.

Especially ones that are starving and craving brains.

I’m not going to go into the gruesome details, but let’s just say that fewer runners finished the race than started it, while more Zombies made it to the finish line than were at the starting line.

Halloween, Zombies, running, humor, Modern PhilosopherNeedless to say, they are going back to a 5K for next year’s run.

Congratulations to Mike Harris of Bangor, who finished first in the Men’s Division, and Meaghan Walcott of Ellsworth, who finished first in the Women’s Division.

Happy Halloween.  If you see any Zombies, pick up the pace.  Better safe than eaten…

Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Halloween Is Coming! Fetch My Candy Barrel

Halloween, humor, Maine, Modern PhilosopherHappy Halloween, Modern Philosophers!

Usually, this blog is chock full of Halloween themed posts in October, but I just realized I’ve yet to write a single one this year.

My bad.

The Halloween Season begins in Maine on October 1, which means the state is flooded with Otherworldly Beings from across the planet and the great beyond.

I can’t go for a run without be chased by a herd of Zombies, can’t drive to work without being delayed by slow moving caravans of tourist hearses, and can’t get any decent sleep because Gargoyles and Witches are cavorting on my roof all night.

And yet, I haven’t found the time to sit down and write about all the Halloween excitement going on around me.

This has led to some very angry messages from the All Hallows Society, and my eventually being abducted by the mysterious group last night and brought to a secret location to discuss my lack of blog posts about Halloween.

Halloween, humor, Maine, Modern PhilosopherSince I don’t like being dragged from my bed in the middle of the night by hooded strangers, I made sure to carve out some blogging time in today’s schedule.

I’m definitely ready for Halloween.  I’ve purchased five bags of candy, and cannot wait for Trick or Treat to begin.

Of course, I’m not sure if any trick of treaters will show up at The House on the Hill.  It’s a total crap shoot every year.  I try to make it known that I’m home and have candy, but for some reason, the costumed kiddos don’t always visit my block.

You’d think that having a Gargoyle circling the house would attract kiddos in search of treats, but it does not always work.

Perhaps this year, I’ll wrap Gary the Gargoyle in blinking Halloween lights, so he’s more likely to draw attention in the night sky.

If the candy crushers do not knock on my door, I am prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice…

I will make sure no Halloween candy goes to waste, by eating the leftovers myself.

And for that reason, I bought five bags of candy that I love.

Halloween, humor, Maine, Modern PhilosopherSo either way, Halloween is going to be a great night.

I’ll either be visited all night by hordes of spirited celebrants of Maine’s favorite holiday, or I will sit here undisturbed and eat a barrel of candy.

All will be well as long as the All Hallows Society doesn’t make another surprise visit.

Do you have any big plans for Halloween?  Are you wearing a costume?

Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments