McDonald’s Embraces Its Heritage With New Irish Menu

This is a picture of Ray Kroc's first McDonald's restaurant in Des Plaines IL USA - now a museum.McDonald’s stunned this Fast Food Nation today, Modern Philosophers, when the company announced it was completely changing its menu.

Citing a desire to embrace its heritage, while also differentiating itself from the growing number of fast food burger chains across the country, the home of Ronald McDonald has decided to go in a completely different direction.

“We’re keeping all the old favorites, don’t worry about that,” Mayor McCheese explained during the packed news conference.  “You will still be able to get your Big Mac, Quarter Pounder With Cheese, and Filet O’ Fish, but they will just be more Irish.”

When pressed on what he meant by “more Irish”, McCheese explained, “The hamburgers and fish will be replaced by corned beef, cabbage will replace the lettuce, boiled potatoes will replace the french fries, and everything will be served on Irish soda bread.”

The shocked silence of the gathered press corps was broken only by the dry heaving of several journalists.

boiled“Our Marketing Department has told us that we are losing ground to all the other burger establishments,” McCheese pleaded with the displeased crowd, which was deciding whether to riot, or just run to the nearest Burger King.  “The research also makes it clear that America has a completely untapped Irish fast food market!”

The once proud politician and runner up in this year’s Maine Gubernatorial Election, made one last ditch effort to win back his audience.  “As far as beverages go, we will now only be serving Shamrock Shakes and beer.”

Later, Mayor McCheese clarified that Happy Meals had only the Shamrock Shakes option.

The big loser in all this, aside from most fast food enthusiasts, is Hamburglar.  The only member of the McDonald’s publicity crew with a criminal record, the Hamburglar had found redemption under the Golden Arches.

However, there is no place for him now with the new Irish menu.

hamburglar“You can’t have a Hamburglar when there are no longer any hamburgers to burgle,” Mayor McCheese stated in the role of Captain Obvious.  “He is a dear friend who I have worked with for decades, but the heartless suits up in Marketing said that renaming him Beefburglar just sounded too naughty and borderline pornographic.”

Hamburglar has been kicked to the curb, along with the all beef patties and fish filets.  It’s probably only a matter of time before the poor guy finds himself in trouble with the law again, Modern Philosophers.

McDonald’s executives had originally planned to roll out the new menu in time for St. Patrick’s Day, but franchise owners threatened a lawsuit if the change was made to the Irish boiled dinner concept.

Finally, after months of legal wrangling, everyone who still owns a McDonald’s is excited about the big change.  McCheese would not comment on how the lawsuit was avoided, but sources tell this Modern Philosopher that many Leprechauns across America dipped into their pots o’ gold and are now the proud owners of McDonald’s restaurants.

irish“If that theory were true, then that would really help with the Irish theme the Marketing Department wants,” McCheese pointed out with a wink.

The new McMenu will debut over Memorial Day Weekend, so if you are a fan of Big Macs, the Royale with Cheese, or McDonald’s french fries, you have a little over a month to stockpile those items.

Are you McLovin’ it, Modern Philosophers?

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Monday Morning Coffee Club: 4/20/15

Giant mugWell, it’s Monday again, Modern Philosophers, and I’m going to deal with that the only way I know how…

UGH!

I’m also going to get the week off to a proper start by writing this blog post.

Monday loses some of its power if I go at it with my super strength, and I’m going to do all I can to sap the day of some of its evil.

Because that’s what a Modern Philosopher does.  He doesn’t run and hide…he uses his words to express how much something bothers him, and then forms Deep Thoughts on how to make it better.

UGH!

It was actually a very nice weekend at The House on the Hill.  On Saturday night, I made my latest appearance on The Nite Show.  I was just playing myself in a sketch about the show’s writing staff, so I didn’t have as many lines to memorize as when I was in the Timbo sketch.  However, it was still a thrill to be up there in front of a live audience and then to get to turn on the TV and see my goofy face smiling back at me.

If you can ever do a TV appearance, I highly recommend it.  Maybe even schedule it for a Monday to really take away the day’s power!

The blog bounced back nicely from some recent weeks of slow traffic.  I wrote a couple of posts this weekend that really lured readers to my page, and both were inspired by my recent bad dating experiences.

Gotta find the silver lining in all the chaos, right?

If you haven’t had a chance to check them out yet, I highly recommend How To Tell If Your Date Plans To Kill You and One Hell Of A Wingman to kick off your Monday on a hilarious note.

blog-loveThe latter is the latest entry in my Sundays With Satan Short Story Series.  I’ve really had a blast writing these weekly adventures with The Devil, and think it might lead to a larger project.

The blog has already had 120 hits in the past hour, so something is bringing the Modern Philosophers home again.  I’m not sure if it’s my writing or the return of Spring, but this mad outpouring of Blog Love has gotten my Monday off to a good start.

I also got a haircut this weekend.  As you might recall, I have been wandering around like a crazy hippie with out of control hair since my barber died last year.  I caved and tried out a new barber a couple of months ago, but did not like the results.

This weekend, having finally decided I could not put up with my Einsteinian locks any longer, I gave a place on this side of the bridge a shot.  I’m quite happy with the results and the small talk, so I think I’ve finally found a solution to that problem.

That’s a relief.

Well, I guess it’s time to give some thought to getting ready for work.

UGH!

Help yourself to the coffee, and spend some time getting to know your fellow bloggers.  Let’s keep spreading the Blog Love!

Remember, only 17 hours left to this horrible day!

Posted in Funny, Humor, Miscellaneous, musings, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

One Hell Of A Wingman

wingman“It’s Danyelle.  With a Y,” the stunning brunette informed me as she passed my phone back to me.  “Now take a quickie so you can use it as my contact pic.”

I was utterly confused by what she had just said, and with the fact that she had given me her number.

“She wants you to take her picture,” The Devil leaned in and said just loud enough to be heard over the din at the crowded bar.

Duh.  That would explain why she had been sitting there across from me with a perfect smile on her face.

“Say cheese,” I told her because I’m a freaking idiot.

She complied because, for some unexplained reason, she seemed totally into me.  “Make sure you call, handsome,” she purred in my ear before kissing me on the lips like we’d known each other for more than ten minutes.

As she walked off in her tall boots and tight jeans, I couldn’t help but admire the amazing assets with which Lucifer’s competition had blessed Danyelle with a Y.

DevilSatan slapped me on the shoulder before sliding into the vacated seat.  As always, he was impeccably dressed.  With the glass of Scotch in his hand, he looked more like a model or an International Man of Mystery than he did The Prince of Darkness.

“What’s all this about your being horrible at dating?” he asked playfully as he finished his drink, and then held up his empty glass to signal that someone had better bring him another.

I just shook my head in disbelief as I sipped the same beer I’d been nursing all night and scrolled through the contacts on my phone.

“That’s seven new numbers tonight,” I gushed like the dating nerd I clearly was.  “I don’t understand what’s going on here, but I’m feeling a little better about my future.  Maybe I won’t die alone after all.”

A waitress appeared with another drink for The Devil, and he pointed at my half empty glass.  “Take that away and bring him a fresh one.  Maybe put it in a sippy cup since he drinks like a little baby.”

The waitress giggled, gave Lucifer a look that made it clear he could ride her down the Highway to Hell all night if he so desired, then snatched up my glass and disappeared into the throng of people.

“I’m not stupid,” I informed him as I put down my phone and finally looked at him.  “I know my success tonight has everything to do with your being my wingman.  Thank you.  I just hope you didn’t have to promise those women too much to show some interest in me.”

top gun“I promised them nothing more than a chance to meet a romantic, witty, creative, handsome, gainfully employed man who is finally getting back out into the dating world after losing his true love,” Satan replied as he sipped his Scotch.  “If that makes me the best wingman since Goose, then so be it.”

“You really didn’t promise them anything?”  I pressed.  “Like maybe helping Danyelle to spell her name correctly.”

The Prince of Darkness chuckled and loosened his silk tie ever so slightly.  I always found it ironic when the heat appeared to get to him.

“I think you just needed a change of scenery,” he theorized as he turned to glance at the mass of people mingling behind us.  “You always hang out at that same Witch bar where all the single women are afraid to approach you because they are afraid Ti-Diana will turn them into a pillar of salt.”

“Did you just go all Biblical on me?” I asked as I raised my new glass of beer.

“I believe I did,” The Devil concurred as he lifted his glass.

We tapped in a silent toast.

“So should we call it a night?” I asked not wanting to push my luck.  “Seven is a very lucky number, and while eight is enough, I’m thinking seven is my limit.”

“It’s your call Maverick,” Lucifer quipped.

goose“Please don’t ever call me that again.”

Satan saluted.  “Yes, sir.  I wouldn’t want you to lose that loving feeling.”

I rolled my eyes, but didn’t say anything.  The Devil was one hell of a wingman, and he’d earned the right to say such things.

Posted in Humor, Love, musings, Philosophy, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 37 Comments

I Reject Your Offer Of An Acting Career

Nite Show DannyIsn’t it a glorious Sunday, Modern Philosophers?

Did you start off your day like I did by having breakfast and watching the recording of your latest TV appearance?  If you didn’t, I highly recommend you try it some time.

Yes, last night’s episode of The Nite Show With Danny Cashman featured (was centered around?) my latest adventure in front of the camera.

We did a sketch in which Danny introduced the show’s writers, and we then had to tell the audience our favorite thing about writing for The Nite Show.  Want to hear my line?

My favorite thing about writing for The Nite Show is peppering Danny with jokes about zombies, time travel, and Star Wars, and then waiting to see how long it takes before he cracks and finally uses one.

That’s comedy gold right there, Modern Philosophers!

Since the show has aired, I can now share some of my jokes that didn’t make it into Danny’s monologue.  Here are the Sunday Rejects…

FavoriteWhat’s with all the snow?  Maine hasn’t seen this much white powder since Guns N Roses’ flight was diverted to Bangor International Airport during their Appetite For Destruction tour…

The latest entry in the Fast and the Furious franchise, Furious 7, has broken April box office records.  Upon seeing the numbers, Disney announced that they have  renamed the next Star Wars movie Wars 7…

The 49th annual Kenduskeag Stream Canoe Race was held today.  Because of the harsh winter, rather than paddling their canoes down the stream, participants just ran across the ice, dragging their canoes behind them…

Bruce Jenner’s interview with Diane Sawyer airs this week.  The former Olympic Decathlon Champion reportedly told Sawyer that the most difficult part of transitioning to being a woman has been coming to terms with the fact that he’ll never again be able to toss his javelin…

Two men from Montreal took their sons on a 2,000 mile, 34 hour journey to get Kentucky Fried Chicken in Corbin, Kentucky, the first time the boys had ever eaten KFC.  I can’t wait to hear what they do the first time the lads want to try moonshine…

Earth Day is Wednesday, which celebrates the day the Earth was invented…

Earth Day is Wednesday.  Wind and Fire Days have yet to be scheduled…

Earth Day is Wednesday, which as you know, is the day we celebrate our planet’s independence from the Evil Martian Overlords…

Nite Show SetFox is bring back The X-Files, which leads me to believe that while the truth might still be out there, ideas for original TV shows apparently are not…

Public support is growing for a National Park in Northern Penobscot County.  This park’s version of Old Faithful will be a snow blower that automatically fires up every hour to clear away the freshly fallen snow…

Tomorrow is the start of Bedbugs Awareness Week.  I’m not sure why there needs to be such a week because I’m certain that if I had bedbugs, I’d be well aware of it…

Tomorrow is Record Store Day.  After the show, we can all pile into my time machine, and I’ll show you whippersnappers what a record store was…

Tuesday is National Library Workers’ Day.  Shhhhhhh!  Don’t clap too loudly!

Nite Show logo 2On this date in history in 1981, Pawtucket and Rochester began their 33 inning game.  Aside from being one of the longest games in minor league history, it still holds the record for most beer ever sold at a baseball game not played in Boston…

What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Did my Sunday Rejects make you laugh?

Did you pick up on the fact that there were jokes about time travel and Star Wars in the batch as a nod to my speaking part later in the show?  I regret that I couldn’t figure out a way to sneak a zombie joke in there as well…

The Nite Show airs on Saturday nights in Maine.  You can also support the show by liking its Facebook page, watching clips on its YouTube channel, or following it on Twitter @TheNiteShowME.

The next taping is on April 29.  Hope to see you there!

Posted in Funny, Humor, Philosophy, Television, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

I Advise You To Seek Out Zombies And Heartbreak

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

I don’t live in Maine, so I was unable to watch The Nite Show last night, but I bet you did a wonderful job in your on air appearance.  Was it a hit?  Did the audience laugh?

If I remember correctly, this was the second time you were on the show this season.  Congratulations!

That’s two more TV appearances than I’ve had in the past year, and I’m an actress.  Can you give me some advice on how to get on TV?  What was the secret to your success?  How did you get your big break?

Also, I wanted to tell you that I had a first date planned for last night, but canceled it after reading your post about How To Tell If Your Date Plans To Kill You.  Thank you so much for writing that, as you probably saved my life!

Can you save my acting career, too?

Chasing The Dream In Hollywood

FavoriteDear Chasing The Dream,

Yes, my appearance on The Nite Show went well.  I think I looked like a total dork, but the audience did laugh.

I am thrilled to hear that reading my article might have saved your life.  It’s always great to get that kind of feedback on my writing.  Just think, if you had been killed last night, you wouldn’t have been able to send me this email for my Sunday advice column.  It’s so weird how our lives interconnect like that.

As Keanu Reeves has said in any number of his film roles, “Whoa!”

As to your question about how to jump start your TV acting career…

I advise you to seek out Zombies and heartbreak.

Yes, that was the secret to my landing my acting gigs on The Nite Show.  I wrote a screenplay called The Retirement Party after I had my heart broken.  I sold the script, it got made into a movie, and I appeared on The Nite Show to promote it.

Later, I wrote a blog post about The Walking Dead’s Live Episode In Maine, which went viral and ended up getting 57,000 hits in one day.  I emailed Danny Cashman, the host of The Nite Show, to tell him about the post’s success.  He had read the post because it was all over the internet at that point, and that led to his offering me a position on The Nite Show’s writing staff.

Being a writer on the show allowed me to write the Timbo sketch, and I insisted on playing the role of Timbo.  The rest is TV history.

So get your heart broken and write about it.  Then write a viral blog post.  Before you know it, you will be acting on TV.

Hope that advice helps.  Good luck.  Let me know when I can watch you on TV!

Austin

Posted in Humor, Love, Philosophy, Television, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

How To Tell If Your Date Plans To Kill You

bad dateNow that we have established that I’m not very good at reading women, and that women aren’t always direct when they have disappointing news after a date (That’s (Not) What She Said), I’ve decided I need to be better prepared before my next date.

Friends are always telling me to be more careful about meeting women via online dating.  I didn’t think much of it as I didn’t see a blind date as much of a threat.  However, now that my eyes have been opened to how naive I am, I realize I must fear for my life every time I go on a first date.

So, I decided to come up with various lists to prepare me for pretty much anything.  I thought I’d share this one with you first, Modern Philosophers.

Please note, this is not meant to be sexist.  Since I am a male who dates females, the date in this post will be referred to as a woman.  The information works just as well for male dates, so just change the pronouns to fit your needs.

How To Tell If You Date Plans To Kill You… 

datingAsk her to pick the place for the date.  If she picks some out of the way locale, recommends a hike deep into the woods, decides to take you sailing, wants to go to a cemetery, or proposes hanging out at that abandoned building at the edge of town that everyone suspects is haunted, she plans to kill you.

Be especially suspicious if you see a shovel, a tarp, duct tape, rope, handcuffs, flashlights, a body bag, chains, or anything that can be used to weigh down a body.

Ask her to pick you up.  If she asks you to ride in the trunk or to hide under a blanket in the backseat, she is doing that so that no one sees you in her vehicle as she plans to kill you.  The same logic holds true if she announces that she’s mapped out a route that avoids traffic cameras and any security cameras along the way.

If she asks you to put on gloves, a hairnet, and booties over your shoes before you get into her car, she is planning to kill you.  She wants you to wear those things to prevent your DNA from getting inside her vehicle.

Young couple celebrating with red wine at restaurantAsk her flat out if she plans to kill you.  If she says “No” too quickly and/or emphatically, or simply laughs off the question and immediately changes the subject, she plans to kill you.

If she has no plan to kill you, she will most likely go off on a rant about how much of an idiot you are for having brought up the question.  Of course, the big risk here is that you will upset her so much that she will decide to kill you.  So, when you ask, be prepared to laugh it off, or to distract her with something like a magic trick or the gift of jewelry.

Tell her you are deathly allergic to something, and then ask her to order for you while you go to the bathroom.  If she orders you something that contains that item, she plans to kill you.

I highly recommend that you NEVER tell your date about any deathly allergies, just to be on the safe side.  You don’t want that to come back to bite you at a later date.

Check for tails or any suspicious characters taking too much of an interest in the two of you.  If anyone is following you or watching you on your date, it’s most likely someone working with your date to kill you.  This is a very scary scenario because it probably means she’s killed before, had some trouble doing it on her own, and now understands that she needs professional help to get the job done right.

dating 4Pat her down for weapons.  Try to make it playful like you are giving her the world’s longest, most intrusive hug, but really pat her down well.  Don’t forget to check her purse.  Women carry everything they need to survive in there, but I’m sure she could make a little room for a weapon.

Clearly, if she is armed, she plans to kill you.  There is no other reason to carry a concealed weapon on a date.

Plant a female friend at the location, have her follow your date into the restroom, and then have your friend make small talk with her.  Instruct your friend ask your date if she plans to kill you.  For some reason, women are oddly truthful with total stranger in restrooms.  If she answers in the affirmative, she plans to kill you.

Find a way to access her browser history before your date.  If there are any suspicious internet searches like “How to get away with murdering your date” or “The best way to look good while committing murder on a date”, then she plans to kill you.

Reveal that your doctor just told you that you have only three months to live.  If she acts all relieved and like a huge burden has just been lifted from her shoulders, she had planned to kill you.

This one will buy you some time, but if you’re still seeing her in three months, you’re going to be in trouble again.

dating 5Paperwork.  If she asks you to list her as the beneficiary on the life insurance policy she purchased for you as a first date gift, she plans to kill you.

Hopefully, these tips will keep you safe and help you to find true love before you meet with a grisly and untimely death…

Posted in Funny, Humor, Love, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 95 Comments

Jump Start Your Brain…And Other Body Parts!

JumpstartHappy Saturday, Modern Philosophers!

Jump Start Your Brain is making its triumphant return after a one week hiatus, and it really missed you.

As you know, there was some debate last week as to whether I wrote too much material for the blog.  As a result, the Jump Start post was benched while my statisticians crunched numbers to see what effect that had on the blog.

In the end, my number geeks determined that far too many Modern Philosophers spent last Saturday in a total fog because I didn’t jump start their brains.  They told me I needed to return the post to the lineup immediately, or I would risk ruining another weekend for you guys on a philosophical level.

However, I have decided to make a change.  Other parts of my body complained that they get ignored why my brain gets its weekly blog glory.  Since I can’t really function without all my body parts working in conjunction, I promised to appease them with a little tweak to the Saturday morning post.

Let’s jump start several body parts, Modern Philosophers!

vitruvianI jump started my stomach this morning with a delicious breakfast sandwich.  Sausage, egg, and cheese on an English muffin.  Yummy.

It’s not like my stomach really needed the help after all the food I ate at the potluck yesterday, but an upset stomach can make for a horrible day.

I jump started my face by shaving.  Nothing wakes up that handsome collection of skin like running a razor over it.

I jump started my fingers by assigning them this blog post to tap out on the keyboard.  They were very groggy after a night of inactivity, so this little exercise is doing them wonders.  Maybe I should get a piano, so I can give them a regular workout.  Any thoughts on that, Modern Philosophers?

I jump started my heart by looking at some photos of me with The Girl Who Moved Away.  I was missing her a lot this morning, and that little trip down memory lane made me smile.  Plus, it reminded me that I was able to get the most beautiful girl in the world to fall in love with me, so I need to be more confident in my dating skills.

I jump started my vocal cords by yelling at Cali and Luna to stop wrestling on the bed.  They were chasing each other all over the bedroom, and then turned the bed into their personal octagon (not that my bed is that shape).  I don’t know what’s gotten into them this morning, but a few choice words in my Brooklyn accent got them to settle down.

I jump started my nose by going out on the front porch of The House on the Hill and taking a long, deep whiff of this Spring morning.

I am going to jump start my legs by going for a walk once this post is written.  I’m getting a haircut at a new place in town, and I plan to take advantage of the nice weather by walking there instead of driving.

I guess I was so busy doing all that other stuff that I forgot to jump start my brain.  Oh well, it will wake up eventually.  It always does…

Posted in Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 37 Comments