No Rest For The Wicked

short story, The Devil, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, flash fiction, humor, Modern PhilosopherI’ve been told that I look rather adorable when I’m asleep.

In fact, I’m fairly certain that the word “cherubic” has been used to describe my status when I’m off visiting Dream Land.  Perhaps it’s because this is the only time all day when I’m not running my mouth and causing trouble.

Of course, you have to factor in that anyone watching me sleep was most likely someone who shared a bed with me and, therefore, already pretty smitten.

So maybe there was some bias involved.

Today, however, I learned the hard way that not everyone thinks I’m angelic when I slumber.

“What the Hell?” I shouted when I awoke suddenly to the pain of something sharp poking me in my leg.

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead!” The Devil declared with some anger in his voice.

I looked up to discover that he was standing over me, sharply dressed as always in an impeccably tailored suit.  This time, however, he held his pitchfork in his left hand and it was extended, mere inches, from my leg.

The devilish grin on his handsome face assured me that the pain that had awakened me from a most pleasant dream was caused by the pitchfork needling my skin.

“What the @#$% are you doing?”  I demanded as I slowly sat up on the couch.  “Get that thing away from me.  This is the kind of $%^& that will give me nightmares for ages.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t fall asleep on the couch in the middle of the day when you know an evil being with a pitchfork is scheduled to visit,” Lucifer countered.

I looked around to get my bearings.  I was definitely on the couch in my living room and the afternoon sun shone brightly through the windows.

short story, The Devil, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, flash fiction, humor, Modern Philosopher“How long have I been asleep?” I asked as I reached into the cooler for a Snapple and then downed half the bottle in one gluttonous gulp.

“I’ve only been here fifteen minutes,” The Prince of Darkness informed me as he tapped his pitchfork on the hardwood floor.  “I got tired of listening to you snore and mumble incoherently so I gave you a good prod.”

He tilted the pitchfork so it leaned towards me.  I instinctively wiggled backwards to put some distance between my body and the weapon.

“You couldn’t just wake me in a less threatening manner?” I queried as I took another sip of iced tea.

“I tried, but you were sleeping like the dead,” Satan responded.  “And trust me, that is a reference I can accurately make.”

He snapped his fingers and the pitchfork vanished and then materialized in its usual resting place in the corner of the room.  Then he sat down on his end of the couch, but not before making a big play of wiping it off with his silk handkerchief.

He could be such a dandy at times.

“I didn’t realize I was so out of it,” I offered apologetically.

“I take it you’re overdoing it again with the exercise,” The Devil correctly surmised.

“You might say that,” I confessed and finished off the Snapple.  “I put in 25,000 steps yesterday and then went for a 5 mile run this morning.  I remember eating breakfast, but after that, it’s all a blank.”

short story, The Devil, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, flash fiction, humor, Modern Philosopher“While you definitely look thinner, being svelte and athletic will do you absolutely no good if you die from exhaustion,” Lucifer scolded me with a hint of a grin.

“True, but at least I’ll be able to save money on a smaller casket,” I quipped.

The Prince of Darkness rolled his eyes and reached for a Snapple.

I did my best to stifle a yawn, but it was no use.  I was still incredibly exhausted.

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Intriguing Insights Into Speed Dating

dating tips, speed dating, relationships, life hacks, advice, Speed, Sandra Bullock, humor, Modern PhilosopherIt has been a cold, rainy day at The House on the Hill, Modern Philosophers, and the interns were getting on my last nerve because the weather prevented them from going outside to play.

So to both placate them and maintain my sanity, I allowed them to pick the topic for today’s Dating Tips post.

The interns, in their infinite wisdom, decided I should write about Speed Dating, even though I, nor any of them, have never used this service.

As a result, we spent the day researching Speed Dating.

I learned a great deal, and now I’m ready to share some intriguing insights with you.  Hopefully, these pearls of wisdom will help you decide if Speed Dating is a viable option in your search for that special someone.

dating tips, speed dating, relationships, life hacks, advice, Speed, Sandra Bullock, humor, Modern PhilosopherSpeed Dating has absolutely nothing to do with the movie Speed. This one not only caught me by surprise, but also left me greatly disappointed.

I was certain that Speed Dating involved a bunch of single people getting on a bus, and then trying to know each other as the driver took them on a tour of the city while also making sure the speed of the bus never went below 50 mph.

Of course, I also erroneously assumed that all the woman on the Speed Dating bus would look like Sandra Bullock.

On the bright side, since Speed Dating has nothing to do with the 1994 action film that introduced us to Sandra Bullock, I now have an awesome idea for a dating service that is sure to be a huge money maker!

dating tips, speed dating, relationships, life hacks, advice, Speed, Sandra Bullock, humor, Modern PhilosopherSpeed Dating participants are not hopped up on speed.  To be perfectly honest, this factoid came as a major relief.

Dating is hard enough when done sober, so I can only imagine how freaky it would be if everyone involved was tripping out or as high as a kite.

Of course, with so many states legalizing marijuana lately, it’s only a matter of time before Speed Dating becomes more about the drugs and getting high than it is about meeting the love of your life.

I really do worry about our future sometimes.

dating tips, speed dating, relationships, life hacks, advice, Speed, Sandra Bullock, humor, Modern PhilosopherTalking quickly does not impress.  Since I moved to Maine fourteen years ago, I’ve been told countless times by the locals that I speak too quickly.

That’s just the New Yorker in me, always talking as quickly as possible to make sure I can get in a word edgewise.  You can’t just shut that off simply because you move to a state where everyone talks wicked slowly.

I hoped that Speed Dating would finally be an opportunity to put my fast talking skills to good use, but apparently, being able to spit out a sentence at the speed of light does not earn you a gold star or increase your chances of finding a date.

dating tips, speed dating, relationships, life hacks, advice, Speed, Sandra Bullock, humor, Modern PhilosopherThe most attractive potential dates are not awarded to the fastest sprinters.  Since I’m back to a regular running routine, I was excited by the possibility that my newfound speed would work to my advantage.

Surely Speed Dating, if not based on the movie Speed, had to have something to do with the men running sprints and the winners being awarded first pick out of the female dating pool.  I’m not the Flash, but I can hold my own in a race and my runner’s legs look damn good right now.

Sadly, Speed Dating has nothing to do with running.  Nor does it involve any other athletic activity where the goal is to move as quickly as possible.

dating tips, speed dating, relationships, life hacks, advice, Speed, Sandra Bullock, humor, Modern PhilosopherSpeed Dating is not a combination traffic court/dating service.  I’ve never gotten a speeding ticket, and I thought that perhaps this would work to my advantage.

The way I saw this playing out was that women would appear before the dating judge to deal with their speeding tickets.  The judge would then offer them the option of paying a fine, going to jail, or going on a date with one of the single men in the courtroom.

Clearly, the men with the clean driving records would then get first dibs at the women who chose to go the dating route.

I’m not a big fan of driving, so the thought of dating a woman with a need for speed sounded kind of sexy.  Alas, Speed Dating dashed that dream, too.

dating tips, speed dating, relationships, life hacks, advice, Speed, Sandra Bullock, humor, Modern PhilosopherSlow and steady still wins the race.  From what I could tell after several hours of research, Speed Dating still rewards the guys who take their time to get to know someone and see if there is true chemistry worthy of a long term relationship.

Despite what the name might imply, Speed Dating isn’t at all about rushing through the dating process and heading to the altar.  I was happy to learn this because getting to know someone is most of the fun of dating.  Why anyone would want to speed through that is beyond me.

I hope these Dating Tips come in handy.  And if you don’t have a date this weekend, maybe you should just stay home and watch Speed.  It really is a great flick…

Don’t forget to follow me on my blog and on Pinterest.  And if you’re a single woman interested in getting to know a slightly odd blogger with a quirky sense of humor, please let me know in the comments section.

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How Do You Find The Proper Balance?

life, finding balance, busy week, philosophy, humor, Friday Night Think Tank, Modern PhilosopherIt’s Friday night, and I am exhausted, Modern Philosophers!

This was one of the busiest weeks I’ve had lately, and it wasn’t because I suddenly had a lot going on in my life.

I simply decided to get serious about my fitness routine, and I had to try to find time for that in a week that already didn’t have much free time given my work schedule with overtime, my desire to write on a daily basis, my need to relax a little, and my hope to find a new relationship.

I know how to juggle, but even with those special skills, I was barely able to remain upright and not fall off the tightrope I find myself navigating lately.

I’m just in from a walk in the rain (I had to get my steps in, and I had no control over the fact that it was raining), and I can finally relax and head out to the Think Tank to get my Deep Thoughts on.

Anyone else ready to join me?  This is one block of time I always set aside because the Friday Night Think Tank is the perfect place to unwind after a long, hectic week.

This week’s topic:  How in the world do you find the perfect balance to fit in everything you both need and want in your life?

life, finding balance, busy week, philosophy, humor, Friday Night Think Tank, Modern PhilosopherI don’t know how some of you do it, Modern Philosophers.  I don’t have a particularly hectic life, there are no kids to worry about, and no significant other whose schedule I have to consider, but I feel like I am always hopelessly out of time.

Right now, my main goals are to work out every day, fit some overtime into my schedule, get some writing done, and try to relax and have some sort of a social life.

And it just doesn’t seem possible.

We are allowed to work ten hours of overtime a week, and I have been maxing out on that, but there was no way I could get in a morning run or walk and still put in a ten hour day at the office.

I tried, was getting up before dawn and then crashing every day around 3:00.

So this week, I decided to cut the OT substantially and only work an extra half hour a day.  That allowed me to still wake up at a decent hour and get in my exercise before heading to the office.

I had to sacrifice a nice chunk of change to do that, but it seemed the right call.

The main problem there was that when I got home, I was running on vapors, still had a nightly commitment to a bloggers’ group, and didn’t always have the time, energy, or creative juices to do any writing.

And there was absolutely no time to be social once dinner was done and I’d gone for a quick after dinner walk.  I barely had the time or the energy to play with the kitties and then crash on the couch to watch a little TV.

The fitness program is very important because getting back into shape is necessary for my overall wellness, but it will also boost my self-confidence and (theoretically) make me more attractive to potential dates, which will help me (I hope) get into a new relationship.

Writing daily is just as important to my self-confidence, but it is also a much needed coping skill.  My job is necessary to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly, but it is a major source of stress.  Writing counteracts that stress.  It reminds me that I’m more than a desk monkey and allows me to escape from reality, if only momentarily.

life, finding balance, busy week, philosophy, humor, Friday Night Think Tank, Modern PhilosopherSo where do I find more time?  I’m trying very hard to get eight hours of sleep a night so I have the energy to tackle my packed daily schedule.  I’m worried if I stay up later to get more done, the reduction of sleep time will come back to haunt me in the long run.

I feel like everything is upside down right now because I’m totally off balance.  The fitness plan is going really well, so I don’t want to have to cut back on that when I’m seeing such great results.

I’m open to all advice and input on this one.  Please don’t hold back…

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Do Monkeys Fear Monkey Bread?

moneky bread, baking, monkeys, humor, philosophy, Modern PhilosopherTonight’s edition of After Dinner Mints, Modern Philosophers, is brought to you by a question that has been nagging at me over the past few weeks…

Do monkeys fear monkey bread?

One of my coworkers makes an awesome loaf (Is that the proper term?  I mean, it’s how you would refer to a quantity of bread…) of monkey bread, and whenever she brings it into the office, the following sort of questions inevitably follow:

Where do you buy your monkeys?

Do you prefer African, Canadian, European, Asian, or American monkeys?

When are monkeys truly in season?

Is it worth it to pay the extra for better quality monkeys, or does the bread just turn out the same no matter what kind you use?

Do you purchase your monkeys shaved, or do you shave them yourself?

Do you buy the monkeys in bulk and freeze them, or do you find the recipe turns out better when you use them fresh?

Have you ever tried to make flying monkey bread, or are you too afraid of the wrath of the Wicked Witch of the West if she finds out what you did?

moneky bread, baking, monkeys, humor, philosophy, Modern PhilosopherDo you think that the apes rose up in the Planet of the Apes flicks because they heard about monkey bread and took the name far too literally?

As a follow up to the previous question, do you think human bread exists in the Planet of the Apes version of our planet?

How do you prevent your kiddos from freaking out when they think that the delicious treat they’ve just eaten was made with Curious George?

How come no one has ever thought to serve monkey bread with a garnish of bananas?

If man evolved from monkeys, what creature do you think will eventually evolve from us and come up with a yummy human bread recipe?

How come you aren’t required to place a “No monkeys were harmed in the making of this monkey bread” sticker on every loaf you make?

Who was the psycho who decided to name something so delicious something so disturbing?  And why are people willing to eat it despite the name?

If we are truly more intelligent than monkeys, why do we ask so many stupid questions about monkey bread?

moneky bread, baking, monkeys, humor, philosophy, Modern PhilosopherPerhaps you can tell, Modern Philosophers, that my new diet and fitness program is starting to get to me a little bit.

I’ve been obsessing about monkey bread all day, but fighting the urge to run out into the jungle in search of fresh monkeys.

I just hope the monkeys aren’t afraid of monkey bread.  I know they are intelligent creatures, but are they able to discern that there isn’t actual monkey meat in monkey bread?  I’m losing sleep over this!

Think good thoughts for me, as mine are clearly a bit too bizarre this evening.

I hope you are able to read this post over the sound of my tummy rumbling…

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2 Tired 2 Be Hilarious

Monday, blogging, exhausted, humor, Modern PhilosopherI don’t know if anyone let you in on the secret, Modern Philosophers, but today is Monday.

In case I woke up not knowing what day it was, I was quickly aware that today was the Mondayest of Mondays.

And, yes, I just used a word that isn’t real, but I’m a writer and we’re allowed to make up words.  It’s what we do.

Don’t fight it, or you’ll only make it Mondayer.

I have been exhausted from the moment I fell out of bed and hit my head on the bedside table.

I blame my fatigue on my new fitness routine.  As always, I dove in head first without even checking if there was any water in the pool.  We had a friendly competition going on at work over who could amass the most steps this weekend, and there was no way I was showing up at work today without the gold medal pinned to the front of my toga.

So I brought it, Modern Philosophers.  And I brought it hard.  All weekend long.  I put in 21,000 steps on Saturday, but even after all that effort I was still in second place behind one of our lawyers.

It’s always the lawyers, isn’t it?

I woke up Easter Sunday to find no basket waiting for me.  My calls to the Easter Bunny went unanswered, so I was pissed.

And how did I vent my frustration?

Monday, blogging, exhausted, humor, Modern PhilosopherBy going on an insanely long run one day after going on a run that was long enough to  be classified as having a few screws loose.

It was a gorgeous day, despite my being shunned by the Easter Bunny, and it was impossible for me to stay inside The House on the Hill.

So I’d write a little and then go for a walk.

All this and I was still trailing the legal eagle in the standings.  Unacceptable!

Every time I’d crack another thousand on my fitness tracker, I’d think to myself that this meant I now had to push myself to the next thousand.

What kind of irrational thinking is that?

It was obviously the thinking of a man who has been depriving himself of sweets and had a Facebook news feed filled with photos of Easter candy.

I wanted that victory.  I needed it.  I convinced myself that the prize for winning the fitness competition was the world’s largest whoopie pie, which would also somehow be magically fat free and very low on calories.

So I walked and walked and walked.  Even as I watched the Yankee game last night, I walked laps around the first floor of The House on the Hill.

Monday, fitness, exhaustion, humor, Modern PhilosopherI finally collapsed on the couch after I hit 25,000 steps.  I put on my oxygen mask and slept like a baby.  I dreamed of a paradise where I got foot rubs all day.

Then I woke up this morning, and went for a long walk.  Hair of the dog and whatnot.

As a result, I’m healthier, twelve pounds lighter than when I started this program, and incapable of going more than fifteen minutes without springing up out of my seat to go for a walk.

Plus I won that damn fitness contest!

But now I’m too tired to write anything funny for the blog.  I’m sorry for my being a slave to my fitness tracker, but we all know how I get when I obsess over something new.

On a positive, non-exhausting note, the damn Easter Bunny found me at work.  I discovered this on my desk upon my arrival…

Monday, Easter candy, humor, Modern PhilosopherFor the record, I have yet to eat a single piece of that coveted Easter candy.  Why blow my fitness plan out of the water after kicking so much rump over the weekend?

I chivalrously gave half of it to an attractive friend, who had lamented that the damn Easter Bunny had forgotten her as well.

As my Father once told me, “Do everything you can to make the pretty ones smile.”  I think dear old Dad would agree with his son’s decision to share his candy, especially on the Mondayest of Mondays.

I might be half asleep, but that doesn’t mean you can tiptoe away from here without first following me on my blog and on Pinterest!

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Lucifer the Magnificent

Easter, magic, The Devil, short story, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, humor, Modern PhilosopherI thought I had seen it all.  Then I walked into the living room of The House on the Hill on Easter Sunday to find the Devil preparing the put on a magic show.

Instead of his usual impeccably tailored suit, he wore an impeccably tailored tuxedo, red bow tie, and a top hat.

He stood in front of a table draped in a black cloth.  On top of the table was a long box, a chain saw, some large silver rings, and a wand.

“Into which ring of Hell have I accidentally wandered?” I quipped as I grabbed a Snapple and sat on the couch.

“Welcome, my friend, to the show that will change the way you look at Easter,” Lucifer announced with great pageantry as he took a bow.  “Lucifer the Magnificent will amaze and entertain you!”

I took a sip of my Snapple to hide the smile that was growing on my face.

“I’m not really a big fan of magic unless it’s performed by Hermione Granger,” I heckled as he took off his top hat and placed it on the table.

“Keep it in your pants, cowboy,” The Prince of Darkness warned.  “Hecklers will be referred to my pitchfork.”

“Carry on then,” I urged timidly.

Satan smiled warmly.  “As you can see, this is an ordinary top hat, but it is capable of extraordinary magic.  I was going to pull the Easter Bunny out of it so you could chat with him about your missing Easter basket, but he is a little busy at the moment.  Instead, I will conjure up something else small and cuddly…”

Easter, magic, The Devil, short story, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, humor, Modern PhilosopherA moment later, the Devil pulled a short man in an old school French military uniform from inside the hat.  As far as magic tricks go, it was pretty cool, but the identity of my new guest was even more awesome.

“Is that Napoleon?” I asked in awed confusion.

“Oui,” the little man replied.

“Any magician can pull a rabbit out of a hat, but only Lucifer the Magnificent can reach inside his top hat and retrieve Napoleon Bonaparte from the depths of Hell!” Lucifer cooed.

I clapped because it seemed the right thing to do.

Napoleon bowed, which raised The Prince of Darkness’ ire.  “Why in the world are you bowing?  You didn’t do anything.  Now get inside the box before I banish you to a ring of Hell where no one speaks French and everyone else is over seven feet tall!”

The former leader of France did as he was told and climbed into the box on the table.

Satan picked up the chainsaw and a devilish smile formed on his handsome face.  “I will now blow your mind by sawing Napoleon in half!”

I was smart enough to know to never disagree with a man holding a chainsaw, so I just smiled brightly and gave him a thumbs up.

Easter, magic, The Devil, short story, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, humor, Modern PhilosopherOnce the sawing was complete, the Devil separated the sections to prove that the box had been sliced in half.  Thankfully, he didn’t get any blood on my hardwood floor.

“I will now magically put Napoleon back together!” he promised as he re-positioned the halves of the box so they were once again end to end.

Lucifer waved his wand over the box, said a few magic words in French, and next thing I knew, Napoleon was leaping out in one piece to take another bow.

I applauded and even threw in a few whistles.

The Prince of Darkness then tapped Napoleon on the head with his wand, and the tiny despot vanished from my living room.

“There’s more, but you look like you’ve had your full of magic for the day,” Satan commented glumly as he walked over to the couch.

I handed him a Snapple from the cooler, and he plopped down next to me.  His pout was impossible to ignore.

“Does today’s magic show have anything to do with the fact that it’s Easter?” I asked in my kindest voice.

The Devil nodded.

“Do you want to explain what’s bothering you?” I tried to gently pry it out of him.

Easter, magic, The Devil, short story, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, humor, Modern Philosopher“I’m so tired of Jesus getting all this attention every Easter just because he pulled off a magic trick two thousand years ago!” Lucifer blurted out so quickly that it almost sounded like one very long word.  “I can do magic, too, and I know more than one trick, but no one’s giving me a holiday!”

“I’m pretty sure the Resurrection was more than a magic trick.  And before you get mad at me for saying that, remember that The Nuns and my Stepmother brainwashed me for a very long time.”

The Prince of Darkness nodded in understanding.  “I can’t blame you for what those women did to you.  Trust me, though, it was just a well choreographed piece of magic.”

I nodded my agreement.  Easter Sunday was not the day to disagree with Satan.  Plus, I didn’t want to upset the guys upstairs on this holy day.  I’m no fool.

Happy Easter!  And with a snap of my fingers, we vanished until next Sunday…

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Is That Jesus In The Easter Bunny Costume?

Easter, Jesus, Easter Bunny, religion, satire, humor, Modern PhilosopherLike most Americans, Modern Philosophers, I don’t listen to much British talk radio.  Not only is the distance a problem, but I also prefer not to be bored to death when I crank up the old wireless.

Every once in a while, however, those cagey Brits will book a guest we can’t get here in the States, and I’ll have to begrudgingly tune in to catch the interview.

Today’s Easter Weekend edition of Tea and Crumpets With Alistair Winterbottom, IV had a very special guest: Jesus Christ.

Apparently, the Son of God doesn’t do many personal appearances, but He and Alistair go way back, and Jesus wanted to send out a message of hope during such troubled times.

Plus, He seemed pretty intent on reminding people of the true reason we celebrate Easter.

“It’s not all about the candy, the colored eggs, and the big baskets,” Jesus reminded the host.  “Easter is actually the celebration of my Resurrection.  I rose from the dead thousands of years before any character on The Walking Dead ever figured out how to pull off that one.”

Jesus spent a few minutes joking about how He deserved credit for creating the Zombie Genre.   “I guess when you create everything in existence, people forget to give you credit for the little things that turn into huge moneymakers.  It’s all good, though.”

When Alistair McStuffypants tried to get a rise out of The King of Kings by asking Him if it bothered Him that the Easter Bunny had hijacked His holiday, Jesus gave an answer that obviously caught the smug, upper crust Brit off guard.

Easter, Jesus, Easter Bunny, religion, satire, humor, Modern Philosopher“Well, if I were to get upset at everyone who stole my spotlight, I’d have a real problem with Santa Claus,” He replied glibly.  “But I’d never go there because I’m all about turning the other cheek.  Plus, if I got into a beef with Santa, I’d definitely end up on the Naughty List.  No one wants that!”

When Lord Winterbottom pressed the Lord and Savior about having an issue with the Easter Bunny, He replied, “How do you know that’s not me in the Easter Bunny costume?  I mean, clearly, that’s some dude dressed as a rabbit since rabbits aren’t that tall.”

“And how would one giant bunny manage to deliver all those Easter baskets over the course of a single evening?”  Jesus continued.  “If I had to guess, I’d say it would take a miracle to get that done.  And who do you know who’s an ace at performing miracles?”

At that point, the host began to prattle on somewhat incoherently while also demanding that his producer fetch him a new pot of tea.

All the while, Jesus could be heard chuckling in His microphone.  It was certainly not what I’d expect from an uptight British radio show, but it was definitely the highlight of my weekend thus far.

Easter, Jesus, Easter Bunny, religion, satire, humor, Modern PhilosopherI was unable to get through to Jesus at the radio station to ask for a comment because the lines were flooded with callers, but I did manage to connect with The Vatican to get Pope Francis’ reaction to Jesus’ revelation.  I had to know if he thought the Son of God was simply playing a prank to get religion the attention it deserves on Easter.

“All I can tell you, Austin, is that what happens inside the Easter Bunny costume stays inside the Easter Bunny costume,” The Holy Father informed me with a chuckle.

I’m not really sure what to believe, Modern Philosophers, other than that Jesus is very savvy at viral marketing.  #JesusBunny has been trending all day on social media.

Whatever the truth is, I hope you all have a Happy Easter!

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