Trump Declares National Emergency Over Lack Of White House Snacks

Trump, national emergency, humor, Modern PhilosopherI knew this was going to happen, Modern Philosophers.

Once President Trump broke the seal on declaring a National Emergency in order to get his way, I knew it was just a matter of time before he used it again.

I mean, why stop at the need for a border wall?  That would be the amateur thing to do, and Donald Trump has proven that he is a total pro at doing the wrong thing.

Details are still coming out of the White House at this time, but several sources have confirmed that President Trump has declared another National Emergency.

This time, it was because there were no snacks in the White House when the Commander in Chief made the executive decision that it was time for a treat.

“If President Trump stays alert and somewhat focused during his morning and early afternoon meetings, he is rewarded with one hour of TV time at around 2:00,” a source, who wished to remained anonymous, explained.  “He usually watches Fox & Friends or cartoons, but he always has a few snacks regardless of the show.”

Apparently, when they President raided the White House kitchen before today’s TV time, he discovered the cupboards were bare.

“He went ballistic!” shared one White House staffer.

Trump, national emergency, humor, Modern Philosopher“He tried to fire everyone on the kitchen staff,” said another source. “Luckily, Vice President Pence was there to give him a lollipop and talk him down.”

It’s unclear why the White House was out of snacks, but one theory is that due to the recent government shutdown, there was a mix up in the shopping schedule.

According to anonymous sources, however, President Trump was sure he knew why his favorite foods were not available.

“Oh, he was completely convinced that Mexican gang members, who had entered the country illegally because there’s no border wall to stop them, broke into the White House and stole all his snacks,” a high ranking White House official disclosed.  “He ranted for a good twenty minutes about border walls, Nancy Pelosi, and the need to assign a Secret Service detail to guard his snacks.”

I’m not sure what’s more troubling in Trump’s scenario, Modern Philosophers: the fact that he believes gang members wandered through the White House unnoticed, or the fact that the President is more upset about his missing snacks than a massive security breach.

Trump, national emergency, humor, Modern PhilosopherOf course, this all begs the question of what will be the next thing to cause President Trump to declare a National Emergency.

My money is on his losing the remote control to the White House TV.  Second is Robert Mueller announcing the results of his investigation.  I could go on, but it simply freaks me out too much to think about it.

We live in troubling times…

What do you think will be the next thing to cause President Trump to declare a National Emergency?  Do you think the need for a border wall justified National Emergency status?

Posted in Humor, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

I Love You: A Valentine’s Day Rant

Valentine's Day, love, relationships, humor, rants, Modern PhilosopherI love you.

I said it, Modern Philosophers.

I love you.

Maybe I should clarify.

I’m not telling everyone who reads this post that I love them.  I just didn’t want to be left out of the fun on Valentine’s Day.

It’s February 14, and once again, there is no one in my life to whom I can say those three magic words.  Nor will I be hearing them uttered in my general direction.

I love you.

I just want to get it out there on this holiday that’s made for couples, and see if any of the joy of the day rubs off on me.

I’m not feeling it yet.

Maybe I’m doing it wrong.

I love you.

Still nothing.



Well, it was worth a shot.  I mean, I’m tired of feeling like a weirdo loner every time the fourteenth day of the second month rolls around.

Valentine's Day, love, relationships, humor, rants, Modern PhilosopherI’m burdened by enough of an outsider vibe as it is, and it sucks that only forty-five days in, that whole “I can do anything, life is going to be different because it’s a new year!” mentality is gone because being single on Valentine’s Day is a sharp slap of reality across a face that will not be kissed today.

To be honest, I didn’t think anything would change or feel differently simply because I said the words, but a part of me hoped this would be a Beetlejuice scenario, and if I said it enough, love would magically appear.

Hey, stranger things have happened when it comes to me and love.

I love you?

That didn’t work, either.

I don’t hate Valentine’s Day or anything, but I suppose I’m jealous that I don’t get to participate in the festivities.  If you’ve read this blog long enough, you know I’m a hopeless romantic (emphasis on hopeless), and few things frustrate me more than the fact that there isn’t a special someone in my life.

I guess I’d just like to hear those three magic words again soon.

It’s been too long.

In the meantime, I will do what I can to make this day seem as normal as possible.  I happen to have the day off, so that makes it easier to disengage from all the happy couples and not feel like they are rubbing their special day in my face.

I tweeted this earlier…

So as you can see, I kept it real, and just went for a run.  At least I wore red, though.

Alas, Cupid did not sneak up on me during my run, although I did have a shooting pain in my leg when I was done.

But that was from not stretching properly, rather than being hit by Cupid’s arrow.

I love you. magic words that seem to hold absolutely no power when you’re alone.  Perhaps that means it will take a magician to help me find love again.

I’m not giving up on my quest, but I’m eager to turn the page on the calendar and set my sights on a much more single friendly holiday like President’s Day.

I mean, who doesn’t love a holiday that celebrates how incompetent Trump is?

Now that’s something I love for sure!  Happy February 14th!

Posted in Dating, Humor, Love | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Do Not Propose On Valentine’s Day!

Valentine's Day, marriage proposal, love, humor, Modern PhilosopherI might not have any plans for Valentine’s Day, Modern Philosophers, but if I did have a special someone, I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty what I would not be doing…

Asking her to marry me.

I think that proposing on Valentine’s Day is cheesy and ridiculously cliche.  Whenever I see or hear of anyone popping the question on February 14th, one thing immediately pops into my head…

You couldn’t think of a present, so you just proposed?

It’s true.  That’s honestly the first thing that pops into my head.

For the record, I think the same thing about Christmas proposals.  Asking for a hand in marriage should not take the place of a proper present.  I’m sorry, but that’s just what I think, and I know that I’m right.

I was watching The Resident last night, and it ended with a Valentine’s Day proposal.  I really like that show, but now I question the writers’ creativity.

A marriage proposal should be unique and memorable.  It’s a story you’re going to be telling for the rest of your life, so you really don’t want it to begin with, “It was Valentine’s Day…” and then watch as everyone listening does an eye roll.

Valentine's Day, marriage proposal, love, humor, Modern PhilosopherValentine’s Day is a holiday celebrated by millions.  Possibly billions.  Why would you want to share your special day with so many other people?

There are so many other days on the calendar from which you can choose.

Maybe it’s the writer in me, or the hopeless romantic, but I believe marriage proposals need to be stand alone tales.

They should not be linked to a larger story like a holiday.  Especially when that holiday is as commercial and corny as Valentine’s Day.

You really want to get down on one knee and propose eternal love on a holiday?  Well, maybe you’re lame and boring and that should be a red flag to the person who suddenly needs to answer a life changing question.

If someone even tried to bring up marriage on Valentine’s Day, I would shove a heart shaped chocolate in her mouth, and tell her to revisit the topic in at least a week.

After all, President’s Day is just around the corner and you don’t want to be dealing with engagement rings on that holiday.  Politics and romance don’t always mix well.

There are so many other things you can do to make Valentine’s Day special.  Buy your loved one all the chocolate you can find.  Who doesn’t love expensive roses in the middle of winter?  How about a fancy dinner?  A romantic getaway?

If you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone, prove that you are worthy of that companionship by going that extra mile when you ask to get hitched.

Pulling out a ring on Cupid’s special day shows a lack of effort.

Valentine's Day, marriage proposal, love, humor, Modern PhilosopherYou can definitely do better than an ultra cliche Valentine’s Day proposal.  Now go get some candy and flowers, and put the ring box back in your underwear drawer until you’ve given this whole “Will you marry me?” thing much more thought.

You’ll both be thankful that you did…

Posted in Humor, Love | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Republicans Oppose Cupid’s Plan For Universal Love

Valentine's Day, Cupid, love, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherApparently, President Trump and the Republican Party do not believe that everyone deserves to have a happy Valentine’s Day, Modern Philosophers.

The Republicans today vowed to shoot down Cupid’s proposed plan for Universal Love.

According to the plan set forth by the little archer in the diaper, love would be made available to all, free of charge.

The members of the GOP, which I’m assuming stands for Gang Of Partypoopers, said there is no way such a plan would be allowed on their watch.

“America is a country of freedom and independence, not socialism,” President Trump reminded everyone in a Tweet.  “Love is not a right.  It is a privilege, and wealthy white males get first crack at it.  Cupid can’t just demand that everyone gets love.  Free love was outlawed after the sixties, and it’s going to stay that way!”

Trump wasn’t done (Is he ever???).  “If we were to allow free love for everyone in America, even more illegal immigrants, drug dealers, and terrorists would pour into our country over the southern border, which the Democrats have refused to allow me to protect by denying me the money I need to build a much needed border wall.”

“These foreigners would duct tape our women, take all our chocolates and roses, and try to snatch up reservations at our finest restaurants on Valentine’s Day.  I’m never going to allow that to happen as long as I am President of the United States!”

Valentine's Day, Cupid, love, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherVice President Mike Pence even chimed in on the topic.  “Love should be according to God’s divine plan, and not forced upon us by a young man, scantily clad in a diaper.”

“I don’t care how accurate he is with his mighty bow,” Pence continued in a tone as bland as he is, “Cupid cannot go around making promises of love to every person who gazes upon his angelic face.”

The Vice President’s staff had to rush him off to cool him down with ice cold glasses of milk after that outburst.

Unfortunately, Cupid was not available for comment, as he’s too busy getting ready for Valentine’s Day.

Plenty of stuffy, uptight Republicans were willing to go on the record for this post, but the mere thought of listening to them caused me to fall asleep for almost two hours.

Luckily, there was a highly quotable Democrat willing to share his views on the Republicans’ opposition to Cupid’s proposal.

Bernie Sanders, Valentine's Day, Cupid, love, politics, humor, Modern Philosopher“It is unfair that the top one percent of our dating population gets ninety-nine percent of the best relationships available in our current romantic economy,” Bernie Sanders bemoaned the fate of America’s growing single population.  “The uber rich have their choice of trophy wives and mistresses, while also getting to burst into dressing rooms at beauty pageants.  Meanwhile, the average American has to resort to an awkward set up, or the use of online dating websites.  It simply is not far, and it’s time for a change!”

There’s no word yet on whether the Republicans are willing to approve Cupid’s proposal in exchange for money for a border wall, but even if they were, it seems unlikely that the Democrats would ever finance Trump’s dream project.

Love has never been easy, but something tells me it would be exponentially more difficult if the politicians got involved…

Valentine's Day, Cupid, love, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherHappy Valentine’s Day, Modern Philosophers!

Posted in Humor, Love, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

The Great Debate

debate team, arguing, friendship, humor, Modern PhilosopherIt might surprise you to learn, Modern Philosophers, that I wasn’t a member of the Debate Team.

Sure, I always had opinions I wanted to share, but I learned early on that doing so could get me into trouble.

I was a precocious kid.  A super nerd, who always thought he was right, and didn’t have nearly enough social skills to realize people didn’t like a know it all.

Apparently, sharing my Deep Thoughts rubbed people the wrong way.  Especially those older than me, who didn’t appreciate being shown up by some geeky little kid.

I finally got it through my thick skull that I wasn’t making any friends by showing off how smart I was.

debate team, arguing, friendship, humor, Modern PhilosopherI was kind of like Young Sheldon, only without the bow tie and the sweet time slot following The Big Bang Theory.

My stepmother was also fond of the quote:

Children should be seen and not heard.

I eventually got the message, and retreated into my shell.  That was probably the first major step to my becoming an introvert.  So rather than sharing my bright ideas with a world that just didn’t understand me, I put them into my stories.

Writing became my escape, not only from the tedium of the outside world, but also from the eye rolls and confused looks of those somehow trapped in a conversation with me.

And I was cool with it.

I wasn’t fond of being the super smart outcast that no one wanted to take the time to get to know, so it was easier to just hide in my room and let my characters banter.

As I got older, it became harder to hide out and fill five subject notebooks with stories that I would never show another soul.

Eventually, I wanted to mingle with other people.  The opposite sex caught my attention, and I quickly deduced that no one was going to date the silent recluse.

debate team, arguing, friendship, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo I had to come out of my shell.

As awkward as that was.

I just had to learn to curb my enthusiasm for showing off how much I knew about certain subjects, and try to focus on being charming rather than a treasure trove of useless trivia that no teenage girl cared about.

So maybe now you understand why I never had a girlfriend until college.

When I finally got into a serious relationship, I couldn’t help but put my untapped Debate Team skills on display.

J and I would argue a lot.

We were both very intelligent, very opinionated, and very stubborn.

As a writer, I felt it was my responsibility to my chosen profession to show off my command of words every time J and I got into an argument.

In other words, I thought I had had to win every fight.

I always had to get in the last word.

debate team, arguing, friendship, humor, Modern PhilosopherI couldn’t let her best me in the word game.  That just wouldn’t be right.

How stupid can someone so bright be?

Well, I was an idiot.  My marriage fell apart for many reasons, but my refusal to back away from an argument was near the top.

I’ve made an effort to shove my Inner Debater into a locker in the darkest corner of the abandoned gymnasium in my mind.

He does get out every now and then.  The Sweet Irish Girl certainlyknew how to lure him out of hiding.  I think it was her brogue that did it.

Nevertheless, that relationship didn’t work out in the end, either.

Now, when I express my opinions, I do so mainly on my blog.  That way, it’s all one sided and I’m not pissing off someone face to face.  And technically, I always get the last word.

But debating isn’t always wrong, Modern Philosophers.

This morning, in fact, I texted one of my closest friends and told her how much I’ve been enjoying debating her about a certain topic.

It’s all done in fun, of course, and I enjoy the witty verbal sparring.  She’s going through a hard time at the moment, so I’m hoping that our little debate is distracting her and making her smile.  And giving her something to think about when she feels lost or alone.

debate team, arguing, friendship, humor, Modern PhilosopherI have no intention of letting it turn ugly with her.  I know now when to step back, how not to be an overbearing word bully, and why it’s important not to hurt the feelings of someone I care about.

Debating can be fun with the right partner.  One doesn’t need to be a Disney Princess to know when it’s time to let it go…

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Not One For The Time Capsule

time capsule, life, humor, Modern PhilosopherI’ve been giving some thought lately to what I would put in the time capsule that I’d  someday bury behind The House on the Hill, Modern Philosophers.

It’s not because I’m feeling sentimental or anything, but because I recently watched the episode of Parks and Recreation where the people of Pawnee argue over what should go in their time capsule.

For the record, the Twilight books will not be in my time capsule.

The whole time capsule idea popped into my head today as I was struggling to get through a difficult Wednesday.

I found myself forming the following Deep Thought: “Today is definitely not one for the time capsule!

And that’s the way life is, right?  Not every day is epic, should be remembered with a dreamy diary entry, or really even worthy of the twenty-four hours wasted on it.

If you live to be 70 years old, you’re probably going to experience at least 10 years worth of days like I had to contend with today.

The key is to just survive, and see if tomorrow deserves a spot in the time capsule.

If I wanted to find a silver lining in which to wrap this day before dropping it over the side of a cliff to be lost forever, it would have to be that maybe today was so blah because I actually had a rather exciting weekend for once.

Annual Bloggers' Bash, blogging, awards, humor, Modern PhilosopherFirst, I found out that this very blog you are currently reading had been nominated for Best Lifestyle Blog at this year’s Annual Bloggers’ Bash.

The lifestyle clearly being one of humor, philosophy, running, writing, horrible dating stories, and plenty of Trump jokes.

I also had a great conversation with my producer about the TV series I’m writing about my time in college.

He sounds confident about getting the series made, and when I lamented that my laptop was dying and slowing down production of new episodes, he told me he would add the cost of a new laptop to the budget he was putting together for the Pilot.

Yes, I’d very much like to see the series go into production, and getting a new laptop would not be the worst thing to ever happen to me.

So double the excitement on that one.

Finally, and I really hesitate to even mention this because I’m extremely superstitious and just know this will jinx everything, but it really makes my point about it being an awesome weekend so I kind of have to share it…

time capsule, life, humor, Modern PhilosopherI met someone I really like.  Who doesn’t seem to hate me.

That’s all I’m willing to say.  If you choose to read this post a second time, please skip over those two paragraphs to decrease the chances of cursing something good.

So maybe now you’ll understand why I felt today wasn’t time capsule worthy.

It’s because this weekend definitely was.

If you were to bury a time capsule, what would you put in it for future generations to unearth?

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

It’s An Honor Just To Tell You I’ve Been Nominated

Annual Bloggers' Bash, blogging, awards, humor, Modern PhilosopherJust when I was starting to think that this blog would never bring me fame and fortune, I got the call, Modern Philosophers.

Actually, it was an email, this being the age of social media and all.

It was from the Annual Bloggers’ Bash, informing me that my blog had been nominated for Best Lifestyle Blog!

What an unexpected honor!  I’ve been in shock and on a writer’s high for hours.

This is the Annual Bloggers’ Bash 5th year, and my blog’s first nomination.  I have to admit, I was a bit jealous of the nominees in years past because they had received what I had wanted, but did not get.

Now I feel like my blog has finally made it.  All those years of hard work have now led to this wonderful moment.

The awards are in London this June.  I do have my passport and some vacation time, so I am definitely tempted to attend.

The interns are thrilled.  Not necessarily for me, but because they think I’m going to take them with me across the pond for the ceremony.

That’s not happening.  Not in a million years.  My interns are the worst.  I’d much rather attend the awards with my Gargoyle, who could fly me across the ocean on his back and allow me to save on airfare.

Ron Swanson, Annual Bloggers' Bash, blogging, awards, humor, Modern PhilosopherI would like to visit London, though.  I’m told they have a clock there worth seeing.

Plus, it would be fun to meet some of the bloggers I’ve gotten to know over the years.

Now I have a great pick up line as I venture out into the dating world.

“Want to go to London with me to see if I win a prestigious blogging award?”

I’m sure that’s going to work wonders with the ladies here in Maine.  And if it doesn’t, I could go to London and see how well I hit it off with the British lasses.

I wanted to thank all of you for the support you’ve given this blog over the years.  If you hadn’t kept reading my silly stories, and commenting on them, I would have given up ages ago because blogging is a lot of work!

The blog has certainly changed over the years, but my goal has remained the same: To make you laugh while you think.

Deep Thoughts from the shallow end of the pool has been the tagline since day one.

I suppose I should also thank President Trump.  I’ve written a lot of posts about him in the past year, and perhaps that’s what finally pushed me over the top to earn a nomination.

Annual Bloggers' Bash, blogging, awards, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo thank you, President Trump, the albatross hung around the necks of the American people by the Electoral College, for inspiring so many blog posts.

I’ll never suffer from writer’s block as long as Agent Orange is in the Oval Office.  Perhaps this bodes well for my chances for future nominations.

I suppose I should also thank my horrible luck in the dating arena.  I mean, who doesn’t value dating advice from a guy who always seem to be single?

I’ve found my niche and you guys really seem to enjoy reading about (laughing at???) my dating misadventures.

And I mustn’t forget my Inner Runner.  That perpetual annoyance drags me out of bed early five mornings a week to go running.  Still not in my Top 50 Favorite Things To Do When I Wake Up, running does, however, fuel many of my blog posts.

So maybe I’ll run to London for the awards ceremony.  That would make for one fantastic blog post once I arrived.

I write because it’s my passion, not because I hope to win awards.

Annual Bloggers' Bash, blogging, awards, humor, Modern PhilosopherThat being said, it’s always been this film nerd’s dream to win an Academy Award for Screenwriting.  And the Annual Bloggers’ Bash Award is the Oscars of Blogging.

It really is an honor just to be nominated.  I’m truly excited, and I just hope that they serve Snapple at the ceremony.

Posted in Humor, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments