More Single Men Turning To The Dark Side…Of The Bed

EmpireWho can ever forget that iconic scene in The Empire Strikes Back, Modern Philosophers, when Luke is hanging off the catwalk and Darth Vader is revealing family secrets?

Vader reaches out to the fruit of his loins and makes his pitch about joining the family business.  He says something like…

“Join me on the Dark Side.  We have cookies.  We can rule the galaxy together as father and son!”

Luke gets all rebellious, tells Dad to stick it, and then goes for a bungee jump but forgets to strap himself in first.

My reaction to that scene, every time I see it, is extreme anger at Luke for not asking Vader what kind of cookies they have on the Dark Side.  Now I’ll never know.

Could these be from the Dark Side?

Could these be from the Dark Side?

But I digress, Modern Philosophers.  This post is really about something every man must deal with once he ventures into the world of dating.  (Again, I remind you that I write from the perspective of a man who gets dumped by women, so the ex in this post will be referred to as a female).

bedWe’ve all been through it after a breakup: the issue with the bed.

It is a constant reminder of the relationship, but you can’t burn it or throw it out like all the other things that remind you of her because you kinda still need it.

Which poses a mighty dilemma.

There’s your side of the bed, and then there’s her side of the bed…

The Dark Side of the Bed.

What do you do about the Dark Side?  Some guys change the sheets right away to get rid of her scent, while others refuse to change them because they want to still be able to smell her as they toss and turn in the dark all night.

But do they toss and turn onto the Dark Side?  For years, the popular belief among men who have suffered a breakup has been to fight the power of the Dark Side.  The thought being that nothing good could come from going over to the other side.

Recently, however, that trend has changed.  BenMore men are turning to the Dark Side.

Tired of surviving on half a bed, guys have been ignoring that little voice in their heads whispering for them to search their feelings and use The Force.

Instead, they are giving in to temptation and seeing what the Dark Side has to offer.

I am a Jedi, like my father before me!

According to Dr. Alexandra Foster, a renowned relationship psychologist, men find the lure of the Dark Side of the Bed too powerful to ignore any longer.  “Men grew up watching their fathers sleep on the couch whenever there was trouble at home.  This generation doesn’t want to go out like that.  They’re rebels at heart.”

Would Luke be proud of their not wanting to turn into their fathers, or would he be ashamed of their giving in to the power of the Dark Side?

obi-vs-darth“All I know is that my lightsaber feels a lot more powerful now that I’ve stopped being a little coward and finally claimed my rightful place on the Dark Side of the Bed,” a breakup victim told this Modern Philosopher.

“I feel much more in control of my life now that I’ve turned to the Dark Side of the Bed,” added another gentleman.  “My lightsaber looks a lot bigger and brighter now.”

Dr. Foster explained that it made sense for men to feel more powerful once they have embraced the Dark Side of the Bed.  “The Dark Side was where they felt loved, desired, manly, and in control.  By ignoring the Dark Side, they were becoming mere shadows of the greatest versions of themselves.”

Death StarI still avoid the Dark Side of the Bed, Modern Philosophers.

It’s not that I don’t want to feel that power again, it’s just that I’d rather wait for a reason to make the journey.

A true Jedi understands the power of patience.

He might still wonder, however, what kind of cookies they have on the Dark Side…

Posted in Dating, Humor, Movies, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Monday Morning Coffee Club: 7/6/15

Giant mugIt’s the first Monday of July, Modern Philosophers.

UGH!

However, I am going to try to look at it as the first day of the rest of my life.

WHAT?

That’s right, Modern Philosophers, I’m  willing to give positivity a try.  Sure, it is going to be a challenge, especially on a Monday, but I like challenges.

For one thing, I’m out on the front porch as I write this.  Figured I might as well get outside and enjoy the beautiful Summer weather.  Who cares if I’m in my Sleeping Toga, right?  I’m comfy and there’s nothing wrong with showing off a little leg.

I haven’t really worked out the rest of my Positivity Plus Plan yet, but apparently, alliteration is involved, and I like the way that rolls off the tongue.  I will keep you posted as the week progresses.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Independence Day weekend.  My blog rebounded nicely with some very good numbers over the last two days.  I guess I should write about the Fourth of July more often as that seems to be a very popular subject.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s advice column, and old producer friend shared my Obama Sings Happy Birthday, USA post on Facebook over the weekend.  I vowed that I would write to her to see if she was still interested in producing my Film Noir screenplay.

I woke up this morning to find an email from her stating she was definitely still interested and looking to raise the funds for the project.  That was a nice surprise that fits perfectly into my Positivity Plus Plan.

keep writingI will make sure to keep in touch with her, and see what I can do to help her get this screenplay in front of the cameras.

As I’ve written many times on this blog, being a screenwriter is a lot like buying a lottery ticket.  You forget you have the ticket until one day, you get a call telling you that you picked the winning numbers.

I’d forgotten about this screenplay and the potential deal because it had been so long since I’d heard from the producer.

I’m not getting my hopes up because Hollywood has burned me so many times, but it is nice to have one more iron in the fire.

It’s a positive way to start my Monday for sure.

I watched the Women’s World Cup Final last night, despite my dislike of soccer.  It’s a little hard not to get into the spirit of things, though, when Team USA is playing for the title on Independence Day weekend.  Plus, the players are just so damn positive, which is something I need to learn to be for my new plan.

To my delight, Team USA scored four goals in the first sixteen minutes!  I’m so anti-soccer because the matches always seem to end in scoreless draws, but I’m totally down with four goals in sixteen minutes!

Congrats to Team USA for winning the World Cup.  What a great way to cap off a patriotic weekend, and a testament to the power of positive thinking!

It’s a beautiful Summer day, Modern Philosophers.  Have some coffee and then go out there to take on the world.  Maybe you’ll score four goal in the first sixteen minutes, too.

Anything is possible.  Even on a Monday…

Posted in Humor, musings, Philosophy, Summer, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

Come For The Fireworks, Stay For The Damnation

Statue of Liberty“Did you catch the fireworks last night?” I asked The Devil as I handed him a Snapple and sat back down on the couch.

The Yankees were losing, but I didn’t care.  I loved watching baseball after a long week of being chained to my desk.

“Nah,” Satan said as he turned his attention back to the newspaper.  “I’m not a fan.”

“Really?” I asked with a curious look on my face that went perfectly with the tone of my voice.  “I just assumed fireworks would be your thing.”

“Why is that, Austin?” The Prince of Darkness asked without looking up from an article about Governor LePage’s most recent outburst.  “Do you think just because fire is in the name that the overseer of Hell would be interested?”

Rough crowd.  I was tempted to spill my drink down the front of my guest’s thousand dollar suit, but I knew that wasting Snapple was a sin.

“I just always thought you enjoyed colorful, sparkly things,” I replied.

Lucifer finally looked up at me and smiled.  “That’s me.  I am a teenage girl in a male model’s body.  The more sparkly the better.”

DevilHe chuckled and took a long sip of his Snapple.  “Truth be told, I have no interest in fireworks because we have them every night in Hell.  9:00 on the dot.  Attendance is mandatory.”

Once again, The Devil had caught me completely off guard.  Fireworks in Hell?  Seriously?

“Why do you have nightly fireworks?” I asked in utter befuddlement.  “Aren’t they for special occasions?”

Satan flashed a most Devilish smile.  “That’s exactly the point, my friend.  Up here amongst the living, fireworks are a big treat.  In Hell, where the Damned suffer for all eternity, I use them to break the will of my guests.”

Well that didn’t sound very nice.  “Oh…” was all I could muster.

The Prince of Darkness sensed my disappointment and he adjusted his silk tie before he responded.  “You do realize that those souls sent to my care have done something so horrible that your God, who came up with the Sacrament of Reconciliation, has deemed them beyond forgiveness?”

“I suppose,” I answered as I wondered how a question about Fourth of July fireworks made morphed into a discussion on religion.

“My job is to make sure the dregs of society pay for their sins,” Lucifer pointed out.  “I know the Nuns taught you I was the bad guy in this movie, but I’m surrounded by an army of the darkest souls ever to roam the Earth.  I get to break them and make them cry for their Mommies.  It’s a job so tough, only the Prince of Darkness can do it.”

He smiled proudly at his wit, and I took another drink of my Snapple.

fireworks“I was just going to tell you that you didn’t miss much,” I explained.  “The fireworks were colorful, but they were pretty much the same old show they put on every year.”

“That’s probably my fault,” The Devil said apologetically.  “I’ve hired all the top fireworks guys for my nightly show.  Only the best for the Damned, Austin.”

Lucifer was an odd duck, but our conversations were certainly never boring.

Posted in Holidays, Humor, musings, Philosophy, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

We Reject King George’s Tyranny

Nite Show Beach 6Happy Fifth of July, Modern Philosophers!

A special lakeside edition of The Nite Show With Danny Cashman aired last night, and it’s time for me to share some of my jokes that didn’t make it onto the air on Independence Day.

I’d like to thank Nite Show photographer Jennifer Murphy for providing the amazing photos used in this post.  For some odd reason, her professional shots always end up coming out so much better than the ones taken with my phone.

Be forewarned that the photos contain loud Hawaiian shirts.  Shield your eyes whenever necessary.  Without further ado, let’s launch the Fourth of July Sunday Rejects…

Today is the Fourth of July, which as you know, is the holiday that celebrates the invention of fireworks.

Happy Fourth of July, the holiday recently voted “Easiest To Remember Which Date It Falls On”…

Nite Show Beach 5Because we won the Revolutionary War, the United States became an independent nation, free from rule by England’s Royal Family.  We still have a Royal Baby, though.  He is just better known to Mainers as Governor Paul LePage…

Because we gained our independence from England, this country has not been ruled over by a monarch in almost 250 years.  Of course, that could all change in 2016 if Hilary Clinton is elected President and crowns herself Queen…

It’s Summer Movie Season.  Jurassic World earned over $200M at the domestic box office in its opening weekend, proving that Presidential candidates aren’t the only dinosaurs that can keep us entertained…

Jurassic World earned over half a billion dollars worldwide in its opening weekend.  With that, dinosaurs have moved past Zombies, and now trail only Jesus as the most popular beings to ever rise from the dead…

Stephen King’s Under the Dome is back on CBS’ summer schedule.  Governor LePage has already gone on record as blaming the Democrats for the dome’s return…

Nite Show Beach 7Stephen King’s Under the Dome is back for the summer.  In the show’s most horrifying storyline yet, the residents of Chester’s Mill realize that Governor LePage is also trapped under the dome with them…

The new CBS series ZOO, about a series of animal attacks on humans, premiered last week.  In the Animal Kingdom, the show is airing under the name “Payback’s A Bitch!”…

Jaws, the original summer blockbuster, is going to be re-released in theaters to celebrate its 40th anniversary.  So it’s still not safe to go back into the water, but that’s really more because of the fat guys in Speedos, than it is because of the sharks…

On this date in history in 1776, a group of farmers decided to tell King George to shove it and drive on the correct side of the road…

Nite Show Beach 8Magic Mike XXL was released in theaters last week, and I must admit I am seriously disappointed.  That guy Mike has to be the worst magician I have ever seen!

So what did you think, Modern Philosophers?  Did any of my Sunday Rejects make you laugh?

The Nite Show airs on Saturday nights in Maine.  If you can’t watch it, you can still show your support by liking its Facebook page, checking out videos on its YouTube channel, or by following it on Twitter @TheNiteShowME.

Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Philosophy, Television, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

I Advise You To Take The Fifth

BlutoDear Modern Philosophers,

Happy Sunday!  Hope you all had a wonderful Independence Day, and that there were no accidents related to the setting off of fireworks.  No one wants to spend the Fifth of July in the Emergency Room.

I thought I would change up the I Advise post this week by dispensing some words of wisdom to you directly, rather than in reply to a reader’s letter.

This is the sort of thing I can do on a whim since I wear the toga around here.

I advise you to take the fifth!

No, I am not dispensing legal advice.  I leave that to Cyrus Brown, the blog’s legal adviser and the coolest lawyer in Maine.

I am dispensing advice related to your mental health and personal wellness.  I want you to take the Fifth of July and use it as a day of reflection and relaxation.

Most people are so busy running from party to fireworks show to barbecue on the Fourth of July, that they don’t have time to think about what the day means.  Have you stopped to form any Deep Thoughts on the importance of Independence Day, Modern Philosophers?

Statue of LibertyThe day is about more than shooting off bottle rockets, devouring hot dogs, and celebrating the end of British tyranny.

It’s about freedom.  The freedom to start a blog and write anything you want, even if it is critical of the government, or leads people to believe you have imaginary friends who are Otherworldly Beings.

The holiday is about the freedom to reflect on your life, to make personal and career choices that lead to your being happy, and to just sit around and do absolutely nothing if that is what sounds best at the time.

I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, Modern Philosophers, and most of it is Austin created.  I need to just take the fifth to relax and ponder on why I’m so unhappy.  There’s no need to run around all day and stress even more.  I’m going to use the day to clear my Deep Thoughts of negativity and focus on the good things in life.

Yesterday, I wrote a post about President Obama calling random Americans to sing Happy Birthday to the United States.  Not only was the post wildly popular, but it was also shared on Facebook by a movie producer I haven’t spoken to in ages.

Pres 3That got me to thinking about the great screenplay I’d written and she wanted to produce.  I’m going to try to rekindle her interest in that project, and even if I can’t, I’m going to dust off that script and see what I can do about getting it made.

Life works in mysterious ways, but sometimes you miss it because you’re so busy stressing over the nonsense.

So heed my advice, Modern Philosophers.  Take the fifth to do a little reflection and see where it takes you.

Thanks for reading.

Austin

Posted in blog, Holidays, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

How To Tell If Your Date Is A British Spy

bad dateHappy Independence Day, Modern Philosophers!

Many of you will be celebrating the Fourth of July at parties, where you will meet new people, and maybe make plans for a date.

It’s time for another Dating Tips posts to make sure you’re safe when you go on that first date with the someone special you meet on Independence Day.

There is a chance your date could be a British spy.  Sure, we’re allies with England now, but they’ve never really gotten over the Revolutionary War and the whole Declaration of Independence thing.

As a result, they have sent hundreds of sleeper spies to become part of American society, marry us, and then turn our half British offspring against us.

The following tips will help you to discern if your date is a British spy.  As always, since I am a man who dates women, the date in this post will be female.  However, these tips are meant for both sexes.

A couple on a dateIs she wearing a red coat?  The Brits are creatures of habit, and they stubbornly refuse to admit that invading America while dressed in red was a bad bit of military strategy.  As a result, they love to wear the color.  Sure, it looks great, but it’s a dead giveaway that your date is a British spy.

Does she have an accent?  This is a tricky one, Modern Philosophers.  Any spy worth her salt isn’t going to let her British accent slip out on your date.  So, if your date has a British accent, there is an excellent chance she is not a British spy.  Be wary of a date with no discernible accent, however, because the only “Americans” without one are British actors and spies trying to pass themselves off as one of us.

How are her teeth?  Everyone knows that Brits have horrible teeth.  I think it has something to do with driving on the left side of the road.  If your date has choppers from hell, she might be a spy.  Try to work the names of good local Orthodontists into the conversation, so if she isn’t a spy she can get help.

bad date 5Does she talk about football often, but the wrong kind?  If you can find a date who is into sports, then you are a lucky guy.

What you need to remember, though, is that in most of the world “football” is the code name for soccer, a sport that puts me to sleep when I simply think about it.  So, if she’s really into football, but she’s not talking about teams like the Jets or the Patriots, she’s probably a British spy yammering on about soccer…(yawn).

Does she prefer shepherd’s pie to apple pie?  No red blooded American would ever choose that first dish (which has to be the most disgusting dessert I’ve ever had) over the All American apple pie.  If she wants shepherd’s pie, she also wants you to bow down before the Queen.

bad date 8Does she introduce herself by saying her last name, then her first name and last name?  Bond.  Jane Bond.  No one says their name like that except for British spies.  Perhaps Yoda would do it if he had more than one name, but he doesn’t, so it is a moot point.  You should always listen to your date, but the way she says her name is vital, so really pay attention.

After she says something flirty, does she punctuate it with “Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more”?  That’s a classic Monty Python line, which means she grew up on British humor.  British spy for sure, maybe even from the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Will she not shut up about the Royal Family?  This is another tough one, but I want it to be on your radar, Modern Philosophers.  So many Americans are obsessed with the Royals, that it’s no longer a giveaway that someone is a British spy.  However, if your date knows about obscure Royal Family cousins and the ugly ones you never see in the tabloids, then she is most likely a British spy.

bad date 2Does she ask for the location of the loo or the WC?  Those are British code words for the can or the john.  Who in her right mind calls the restroom a water closet?  Terms like that led to our Founding Fathers wanting to escape from England’s rule.  If she wants to skip to the loo, you’d better run for the door!

Does she ask if she can have some of your chips while you are eating your bacon cheeseburger?  More weird British lingo.  They refer to French fries as chips.  Let her have them because she is a British spy and you need to leave.

Will she only drink tea?  Unless it’s Snapple, she is a British spy who has never been able to shake an addiction that is a dead giveaway to her true country of origin.

bad date 9Does she keep asking if you want to “Shag, Baby”?  Dead giveaway there. American women are angels who would never sleep with you on a first date.

Plus “shag” is so British that the word needs a passport just to be used in America.

Sure, you might get lucky if you take her up on your offer, but then you have also been seduced by a British spy.  If we end up being conquered by England, we will blame you and your pathetic willpower.

Does she not sing along when a rousing rendition of The National Anthem breaks out during your date?  Any true American would stand up, put her hand over her heart, and sing along.  If your date doesn’t, she’s a British spy who never bothered to learn the words.  For shame!

Does she say “jag-u-ar” instead of “jaguar”?  Work the word into conversation.  It can be the animal or the car.  Her training will tell her to say it the proper American way, but her hoity toity British genetics will take over and insist she say it the annoying British way.  Where do they get off talking like that?

bad date 10Does she have a Hogwarts tattoo?  If she does, that means she might be British, but she’s a Witch rather than a spy.

You definitely want to lock down a Hogwarts graduate, so remember all the dating advice I’ve ever given you and do not screw up.  This one is definitely a keeper.

I hope these Independence Day dating tips come in handy.  Have a happy and safe Fourth of July, and good luck out there in the dating world!

Posted in Dating, Holidays, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments

President Obama Sings “Happy Birthday, USA” With Stunned Americans

Pres 1Happy Independence Day, Modern Philosophers!

According to reports out of The White House, President Obama woke up early on the Fourth of July and decided to spread a little holiday cheer of his own.

Numerous sources have confirmed that The President has been in the Oval Office for hours, randomly calling Americans to sing “Happy Birthday” to the greatest country in the world.

It all began with calls to American troops stationed overseas, and just escalated from there.

“I couldn’t sleep, Austin,” The President explained to this Modern Philosopher once we had completed our phone call duet of The Birthday Song.  “I love Independence Day.  I get all giddy about the holiday.  I didn’t want to bother Michelle, so I went down to the Oval Office and started making calls.  I just wanted to wish our troops well, but I guess I got so excited that I broke out into song.”

Once the President was on a roll, he started asking his Secret Service detail to shout out area codes.  The Leader of the Free World then dialed a random number in that area code, chatted up the startled citizen who answered the phone, and then burst out into song.

Pres 3“Sometimes, the person would sing along like you did, Austin,” President Obama told me with a chuckle.  “Other times, there would be a stunned silence on the other end of the line.  One charming lady in Pensacola, Florida handed me off to her husband and I heard her say, ‘It’s the President.  I didn’t vote for him, so you see what he wants’.  How All American is that?”

One caller from Davenport, Iowa had a special request, and the President had to think quickly on his feet to not disappoint her.

“She wanted Joe Biden to join me for a duet, but the Vice President isn’t around this weekend.  So I asked her if she would settle for my Secret Service detail singing back up.  She loved the idea, and now I think the agents and I will be doing a lot more singing together during those long, boring car rides.”

The President’s boyish charm and excitement for the holiday was so evident even over the phone, Modern Philosophers.  I asked him if the experience had changed the way he thought about these final years of his Presidency.

fireworks“I have the greatest job in the world,” he replied without even pausing to ponder his reply.  “There are times when it is very stressful and I wonder what it will be like to finally step away from it all.  Then there are days like today that remind me why I got into politics in the first place.”

President Obama said that he intended to make some calls to the West Coast before giving his singing voice a rest.  After that, it’s all about celebrating America’s Birthday just like any other American.

“Looking forward to the fireworks, some burgers on the grill, and a little family time,” he told me when I asked him about his Fourth of July plans.

“We live in the greatest country in the world, Austin, and today is a day when we really need to just stop and think about what it means to be an American.  If you don’t love the United States on Independence Day, then you aren’t celebrating the day correctly!

birthdayHappy Birthday, America!  How do you plan to spend Independence Day?

Posted in Holidays, Humor, musings, Philosophy, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments