Shocking news from Alphabetville: The letters Q and U have decided to go their separate ways. Word of the split has rocked the Grammar and Spelling Bee Worlds.
In a joint statement issued by spokespersons for the letters and for the Alphabet itself, we are learning that the idea for this breakup wasn’t necessarily mutual: “It is with a heavy heart that we announce Q and U have decided to end their long term relationship. While every partnership has its ups and downs, some problems simply cannot be overcome.”
Neither letter was available for comment. Both were at the announcement, but they stood at opposite ends of the stage.
U was clearly the more upset of the former duo, which has led to rampant speculation that this parting of ways was Q’s idea. At one point, U broke down and had to be consoled by T and V, who never left her side during the brief announcement.
While many other letters were in attendance, not one of them chose to stand with Q, who stood off alone, looking bored and aloof. The rest of the vowels shot some extremely frigid glares across the stage at the other letter, who pretended to not even notice them.
Q has long been a controversial letter. In his wilder days, he was known to tear up Alphabetville on wild all night benders with X, the only letter in the alphabet known to be more notorious. He has settled down over the years, but those in the know tell me that Q had been dissatisfied with this lifelong partnership and eager to break out for a solo career. So while this move stunned many, others had seen it coming for months.
Clearly, U was not one of those who knew this was in the works. She has long been known as the sweet, more compassionate member of the duo. U was constantly looking for ways to soften Q’s image and never minded when he chose to go off to make words like “qat” without her. Apparently, she believed that giving him a little independence would scratch that itch for freedom and keep him from wanting to leave the team. At this point, it is not known what plans U has for the future, but if the letter count in this blog post tells you anything, it’s that U will be plenty busy as a solo act.
Reaction across the world has run the spectrum. As would be expected, devout, Old School Alphabetists are up in arms over this shake up in the system that they have worshiped and obeyed for centuries. They believe it is unnatural for two letters, bound for eternity, to go off on their own, or worse yet, to look to couple with another letter.
Scrabble and Words With Friends players, on the other hand, are thrilled. They are looking forward to Q going solo and all the new word possibilities it would mean for them. However, I am hearing from my connections in the Gaming Commission (that place is crawling with Modern Philosophers) that if this split is permanent, Q will be downgraded from his current 10 point status. Could that be enough to bring the dynamic duo back together?
Before you get too excited about a possible reconciliation, let me throw some cold water of truth on you…
Q might be having an affair! That’s right, you heard it here first. Several Alphabet officials, who understandably wished to speak only off the record, as well as several other letters (and not just the vowels) told me that word around the blackboard is that Q has been seeing A…and it’s hot and heavy!
Think about it…the current trend for Q&A sessions in every line of business. Everywhere you go, you see the two letters together. As I previously noted, “qat” was the one word U was happy to allow Q go off and make. And what letter is next to Q in that word??? Looks like this theory has some legs.
One letter, who didn’t want to go on the record because of fear of retaliation should Q turn to his bad boy friend X for back up in this time of turmoil, did tell me this: “Q is such a damn pervert. Of course he needed to go pair up elsewhere. Just look at him. Always got his handle just hanging out there, waving it at the other letters, trying to entice them. How poor U put up with him for so long is beyond me. Zip it up, Q!”
A letter that was willing to go on the record was J. “The guy’s a stuck up prick. I’ve asked him to hang out several times, and he always blew me off. I figured that since we both have such a high point value in Scrabble, we’d have something in common. Apparently, my 8 point status wasn’t cool enough for him. Well go FUQ yourself, @#$hole!”
Right now, the Alphabet World is shaking from the shock of the news. As to how it will affect us in the alphabet using world…things are still a little unclear. Words are words. Dictionaries have been printed. Society cannot just stop using terms that have been around for ages.
Be strong, Modern Philosophers. We will get through this. It might not be quickly or quietly. But we will survive.