Apparently, you can’t avoid construction delays in the Afterlife, whether you’ve been naughty or nice. The Modern Philosopher Traffic Chopper reports delays on both the Stairway to Heaven and the Highway to Hell, news that holiday travelers most certainly did not want to hear.
According to the Vatican, construction on the ancient staircase to the Pearly Gates has been planned for months. “Getting the proper permits and union approval sometimes takes divine intervention,” explained Archbishop Raymondo, the Vatican’s spokesperson on Afterlife Construction. “You have to understand, we are a people of great faith, and we know that thy work will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.”
Angelic sources are telling a different story to this Modern Philosopher, however. Several seraphim, who wished to remain anonymous, revealed that construction on the stairway become a priority when the relative of someone “very high up in the organization” (all they would tell me is that this being has a clearance above Cloud Nine) fell through a hole in the staircase and almost tumbled back down to earth. The poor soul was caught, mid-fall by a Guardian Angel, and returned to his rightful place on the stairs without any further injury.
One source went on to tell me, “They’ve been itching to ditch the Stairway for years and replace it with something more modern, but that stupid song made it so popular that they can never get rid of it now. Thanks, Led Zepellin.”
Speaking of the ancient British rockers, Robert Plant released this comment: “I was not happy to hear about the changes being made to the Stairway to Heaven. I own the copyrights, and no edits can be made without my signing off on it. The wankers will be hearing from my barrister!”
For the time being, souls will be transported to Heaven via escalators and elevators.
As for the Highway to Hell, I went directly to the source on that one. The Devil happened to be in my living room drinking my last beer, so I asked him for a quote. “We want to make access to Hell as simple as possible. By adding more lanes, there will never be any delays.”
“But there are already no stop signs or speed limits,” I reminded him.
“Still,” Satan assured me, “things could move faster. We want souls, and if you’ve got a need for speed, Hell is your speedway for all eternity.”
When asked when he expected construction to be completed, Lucifer laughed devilishly. “It’s Hell, dude, road construction never stops!”
At this time, absolutely no delays are reported on the Portal to Purgatory.
Travel safe. Stick with this blog for all your traffic updates.
LOVE it
Thanks. Glad you enjoy. Stick around, there will be plenty more… 😀
Agreed Great post best wishes from
http://www.yourdailyphil.com
Keep up the good blogging I am now a follower and can’t wait to see more
Welcome, Phil. Look around. There are 7 months of posts to catch up on! 🙂
ohh wow I will do my best , hope to see more fromyou soon
There’s something new every day…
enjoyed your blog, great to start my day with a good laugh
Thanks! There are plenty of posts, so feel free to read them all whenever a laugh is needed. Happy Deep Thoughts! 😀
Both Hell and Heaven should use some faster mean of communication, like trains or something. These days more and more people are lining up for those staircases.
The staircase is excellent cardio, though. Then again, what does it matter if you’re dead? I need to ponder on that one… 😀
This reminds me of “Good Omens” by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett – you’re in excellent company!
Why thank you. That’s ridiculously high, yet undeserved praise. But I’ll blush and accept it. 😀
AC/DC- Highway To Hell Music Video
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I don’t know what Robert is worried about? In the words of Christian metal band, he’ll probably go “To Hell With The Devil”.
Kinda wondering if it was Peter who almost fell…
Glad you’re liking this silliness… 🙂
Oh, I may not be good at bringing the silly, but I can pile it on! 🙂
🙂
Clever and very funny post. Thanks for stopping by my blog as well. I’m looking forward to sharing all the funny with you.
Take as much funny as you want. All the portions are free. 😀
Fortunately, there’s still purgatory. How do you get there? It’s called Earth. 🙂 The portals to purgatory are the security lines at our airports.
Nice job tying this back to another one of my posts. Bonus points for that one!
If you tell me the bonus points make me a shoo-in for the next “survivor” show, I’ll pass on that one. 🙂
No, I have no pull with getting people on Survivor. I can only get them to believe that the show is filming in Maine… 😉
Thank God! There for a minute I was afraid I’d have to get up from my computer. 🙂
Never. 🙂
Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:
Another one from the Modern Philosopher archives. Enjoy!
ROFL!
Glad I could bring a little laughter to your morning. 🙂
You always do. In fact, I can generally count on it 🙂
Why thank you. That’s always nice to hear. 🙂
Glad to hear purgatory is still open for business.
24/7…all souls welcome…
Satan ALWAYS drinks the last beer. He’s so rude.
But you can’t really say anything to him you know? It kinda sucks…
Figures Jimmy Page owns the rights. If he charged a toll he might, make a little money. I’m just curious to know if Bon Scott owns the rights to the Highway to Hell? I mean, he’s “there” already anyway, right?
I’m not sure. I’ll have to ask The Devil the next time he decides to lounge around The House on the Hill… 😉
Why isn’t Heaven using the Sky-Hook space elevator? Or spaceships? Oh, actually I heard they are using that…..
I’m not sure…