Stairway to Heaven Closed for Repairs; Highway to Hell Adding Lanes

Apparently, you can’t avoid construction delays in the Afterlife, whether you’ve been naughty or nice.  The Modern Philosopher Traffic Chopper reports delays on both the Stairway to Heaven and the Highway to Hell, news that holiday travelers most certainly did not want to hear.

According to the Vatican, construction on the ancient staircase to the Pearly Gates has been planned for months.  “Getting the proper permits and union approval sometimes takes divine intervention,” explained Archbishop Raymondo, the Vatican’s spokesperson on Afterlife Construction.  “You have to understand, we are a people of great faith, and we know that thy work will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.”

Angelic sources are telling a different story to this Modern Philosopher, however.  Several seraphim, who wished to remain anonymous, revealed that construction on the stairway become a priority when the relative of someone “very high up in the organization” (all they would tell me is that this being has a clearance above Cloud Nine) fell through a hole in the staircase and almost tumbled back down to earth.  The poor soul was caught, mid-fall by a Guardian Angel, and returned to his rightful place on the stairs without any further injury.

One source went on to tell me, “They’ve been itching to ditch the Stairway for years and replace it with something more modern, but that stupid song made it so popular that they can never get rid of it now.  Thanks, Led Zepellin.”

Speaking of the ancient British rockers, Robert Plant released this comment: “I was not happy to hear about the changes being made to the Stairway to Heaven.  I own the copyrights, and no edits can be made without my signing off on it.  The wankers will be hearing from my barrister!”

For the time being, souls will be transported to Heaven via escalators and elevators.

As for the Highway to Hell, I went directly to the source on that one.  The Devil happened to be in my living room drinking my last beer, so I asked him for a quote.  “We want to make access to Hell as simple as possible.  By adding more lanes, there will never be any delays.”

“But there are already no stop signs or speed limits,” I reminded him.

“Still,” Satan assured me, “things could move faster.  We want souls, and if you’ve got a need for speed, Hell is your speedway for all eternity.”

When asked when he expected construction to be completed, Lucifer laughed devilishly.  “It’s Hell, dude, road construction never stops!”

At this time, absolutely no delays are reported on the Portal to Purgatory.

Travel safe.  Stick with this blog for all your traffic updates.



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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38 Responses to Stairway to Heaven Closed for Repairs; Highway to Hell Adding Lanes

  1. ksbeth says:

    enjoyed your blog, great to start my day with a good laugh

  2. Sayantan says:

    Both Hell and Heaven should use some faster mean of communication, like trains or something. These days more and more people are lining up for those staircases.

  3. This reminds me of “Good Omens” by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett – you’re in excellent company!

  4. AC/DC- Highway To Hell Music Video

    Check out my new blog.

    Hairspray Jesus

  5. I don’t know what Robert is worried about? In the words of Christian metal band, he’ll probably go “To Hell With The Devil”.
    Kinda wondering if it was Peter who almost fell…

  6. Clever and very funny post. Thanks for stopping by my blog as well. I’m looking forward to sharing all the funny with you.

  7. floridaborne says:

    Fortunately, there’s still purgatory. How do you get there? It’s called Earth. 🙂 The portals to purgatory are the security lines at our airports.

  8. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    Another one from the Modern Philosopher archives. Enjoy!

  9. Mark1 says:

    Glad to hear purgatory is still open for business.

  10. Satan ALWAYS drinks the last beer. He’s so rude.

  11. EagleAye says:

    Figures Jimmy Page owns the rights. If he charged a toll he might, make a little money. I’m just curious to know if Bon Scott owns the rights to the Highway to Hell? I mean, he’s “there” already anyway, right?

  12. queenlorene says:

    Why isn’t Heaven using the Sky-Hook space elevator? Or spaceships? Oh, actually I heard they are using that…..

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