Life in the Fast Lane: A Different Take on Thanksgiving

A good Modern Philosopher never discriminates.  Every thought deserves to go deep regardless of how off the wall, or different from the norm it might seem to the majority.  With that in mind, I sat down this evening with Mort Fine, the author of “Go Slow and Fast: How to Not Eat Safely”.  In order to draw attention to his new book, (which is about Fasting, although the title might not make that too evident!) Mr. Fine is sponsoring a Thanksgiving Fast, which is being held at the Brewer Kiwanis Club.

I believe in getting right to the point, especially when I want to get front row seats to tonight’s laser show.  “It’s a very novel idea to ask people to fast on Thanksgiving.  Would you care to explain why you chose that, of all days, to ask people to refrain from eating?”

I should mention here that Mr. Fine is a very plump man.  I’d refer to him as rotund and obese, but the nuns raised me to be polite.

“The average person consumes 17,000 calories on Thanksgiving,” the author answers with a straight face.  “That is well above the recommended daily allowance.”

It takes me a moment to reply because I keep waiting for him to burst into laughter, and then give me his honest answer to my question.  Apparently, he’s sticking with 17,000.

“That’s not even remotely close to correct,” I counter.  He’s allowed his Deep Thoughts, but I am allowed to introduce sanity to the conversation.

“It’s the truth,” he insists.  “I did my research.  People overindulge on Thanksgiving, and every year, thousands die from maxnutrition.”

“Not only is that untrue, but ‘maxnutrtition’ is not a word.  I know that because I speak English and because when I type the word, my computer underlines it in red.”

“It could just mean you spelled it incorrectly,” Fine points out like making inane arguments suddenly lends credence to his falsehoods.

Whatever.  A good Modern Philosopher supports the deep thinking process even if the deep thinker is clearly about to fall off his rocker.

“So why fasting?” I ask as I try to find something to fill just a little more space on this entry (I hate to gyp my readers with entries that are too short).  “Why not just encourage people to diet?”

“I’ve been fasting for ages, and it has brought me an inner peace I never knew when I was a free eater.”  He punctuates his sentence with a broad smile that makes his double chin do a little dance.

Okay, Pinocchio, I know this is Maine and everything’s a little “different”, but your pants are on fire and they’re about to set off my smoke detectors.  Judging from my guest’s size, the only inner “piece” this guy knows is about a half dozen of chocolate cream pie.

“That’s about everything I need,” I decide is the best way to respond to his last comment.  “I will get this up on the blog tonight so that my readers know all about tomorrow’s Thanksgiving Fast.  Did you want to leave a copy of your book?”

His eyes light up.  “I’d love to if you want to give me $24.99.”

I pass on the book just as I’m going to pass on the fast.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Should I keep my office door open to anyone and anything that wants to saunter in and tell a tale?  I really want to believe that every being has a right to Deep Thought, but Mr. Fine made me reconsider.  Is it possible that some thoughts only have Warning Track Power?

Send your comments.  I’ll be down watching the UFOs light up the night sky with their colorful beams of mass destruction, but I promise I’ll get to them tomorrow…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Life in the Fast Lane: A Different Take on Thanksgiving

  1. Hmmm…with his jowls & rotund frame (not to mention the fact that he makes up words) are we sure he knew what “fast” meant? Maybe he had his own “special” definition.

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