Shuffling the Deck: Jacks Finally Promoted

Big news, Modern Philosophers, from the Gaming Commission: after centuries of loyal service to the deck, the Jacks of Hearts, Diamonds, Spades, and Clubs have finally been made members of the Royal Family.  That’s right, folks, from now on the four bad boys of the card world will now be known as…Princes!

While the announcement caught some by surprise, most card sharps had long suspected the move was not only in the works, but also well deserved.  Said one poker player I talked to at Bangor’s Hollywood Slots Casino, “They earned this title.  Besides, if they’re gonna call the best hand in the game a Royal Flush, they might as well add more royalty to the mix.”

There is also speculation that the Gaming Commission, bowing to serious pressure from feminist groups, might expand the deck to 56 cards to allow for the addition of four Princesses.

“I can neither confirm, nor deny that rumor,” a commission member told this blog with a total poker face after last night’s announcement.  “I’d say the odds are long, and I certainly wouldn’t go all in on the idea, but then again I could just be bluffing.”

The other rumor making the rounds at the Hollywood Slots Buffet was that the 10s, long known at the Princes’ strongest allies, would be promoted to Princess status.  “That would be perfect,” the Ten of Clubs told me.

Of course, as with every major change, there are detractors.  Card Carrying Members, which is the official fan club for playing cards, issued this statement: “It sucks!”

An old timer at the casino took a break from his battle with the penny slots to share this opinion: “What I’m most going to miss is looking down at my hand and seeing that I have a Jackson Five.  That’s when you have four Jacks and a five.  Let’s just hope they come up with some memorable names for the Princes.”

Chris Barron, lead singer of the once momentarily hip band, The Spin Doctors, called me with a statement (how he got my number, I’ll never know!): “The Spin Doctors are stoked, bro.  We’re hoping that anytime someone gets a pair of Princes, they’ll sing our classic hit, ‘Two Princes’.  You know…One, two, princes here before you…”

I disconnected the call and threw away my phone at that point.  So, if anyone is trying to call me, be patient.  I’ll text you my new number soon.

I thought it would be cute (aka witty) to get reactions from some famous princes to round out this piece.

Prince Fielder of the Detroit Tigers: “I think it’s a home run!”

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince: “This is what it sounds like, when the cards cry.  And they’re crying in joy.  We’re gonna party like it’s 1999!”

Prince Charles: “Ask Mum.  She doesn’t like me to play cards.”

Prince Charming: “Alas, four more brave warriors to join the fight.  We shall feast!”

My neighbor’s dog Prince: “Woof!”

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Change isn’t always good, but it is inevitable.  Do you think this is a scam by the Gaming Commission to boost sales by making everyone have to buy a new deck of cards?  Does this move even matter to you, or are you like most people who simply see the Royal Family as figure heads there for our amusement?

Deal me in on your thoughts…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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10 Responses to Shuffling the Deck: Jacks Finally Promoted

  1. grannyK says:

    Oh, I would definitely buy the new cards. I think it’s long past due for Jacks to be promoted. I also agree that the 10s should be princesses!

  2. Never really been fond of the term “Prince”, since the Royals of England have left a bad taste in my mouth for years. Long live Jack!

  3. I don’t know… I always thought the Queen was in the middle of a ménage with the King & the Jack. If they make the Jacks Princes….it becomes a bit incestuous, don’t you think?

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