Breaking News: Record Set in Thanksgiving Human Toss

Those of you who do not live in Maine are sadly deprived the opportunity to attend the annual Thanksgiving Day Feast of Strength (as I mentioned in my original post about this event, the use of “Feast” is not a typo, but rather funny word play and whatnot).  This yearly competition is open to all beings, human or otherwise, and focuses on showing off the muscles.

This year’s competition, held at the University of Maine in Orono, had a record turnout.  I would say that festival goers were evenly divided between humans and non-humans, but everyone was there for the same thing: The Human Toss.

In this ultimate display of strength, creatures of all shapes and sizes battle to determine who can throw a human the furthest (don’t worry…the humans are bubble wrapped and given a sturdy helmet!).  Honorary Master of Muscletude (more witty word play) Stephen King got things rolling by jokingly tossing an inflatable doll fifteen feet.

After that, though, it was time for the pros.  The Aliens put on an impressive display this year.  They might appear to be wimpy and lanky, but they must be doing something up in the North Woods to build strength.  Second, third, and fourth place went to competitors from other galaxies.

The Amazons, usually right up there in the standings, had a horrible year.  Some say it had to do with a lingering depression over Hollywood’s inability to get a Wonder Woman movie up on the big screen, but this Modern Philosopher thinks this was simply a case of the Aliens wanting it more.

The big news, however, was the performance of Gio the Giant.  The big guy was an immediate crowd favorite when he took to the tossing platform dressed at Paul Bunyan.  You readers from away (the cool Maine term for outsiders) might not be aware that a giant statue of Paul Bunyan rises above the streets of downtown Bangor.  Hence, the love.

Gio hurled Ronnie Brown of Milford a world’s record 3.78 miles!  Brown was immediately taken to Eastern Maine Medical Center for treatment of concussion-like symptoms, but the young man was thrilled to be a part of history.  “Owww!” was all he could tell me at the time, but I could tell he was damn proud!

So, bragging rights go to the giants for another year, but it looks like Thanksgiving 2013 might be when the Aliens finally claim the top spot.

Why aren’t you living in Maine yet?  Do you really want to keep missing exciting events like this one?  Get up here!  We do Thanksgiving right…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Breaking News: Record Set in Thanksgiving Human Toss

  1. Does moving to Maine automatically qualify you to be tossed like a caber?

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