Since he was here and eating all my pepperoni and cheese, I figured I’d might as well get a blog post out of it.
So I posed the required question of the day: “What the devil are you thankful for, Satan?”
My underworldly squatter chuckled, popped another slice of pepperoni into his mouth, and spread out his wings on the back of the couch. “I’m thankful that people never change. I’m thankful for new advances in technology, which lead to people wanting to sell their souls for the newest little gadget. I’m thankful that foods continue to get richer and tastier, leading the masses to be willing to bargain for a smaller body in which to hold the soul that now belongs to me. I’m thankful for leaders that insist on waging wars. I’m thankful for the Seven Deadly Sins, which are basically an all you can eat buffet of evil that humans simply cannot resist. I’m thankful to movies, prime time television and violent video games for teaching the youth of the world how to grow up as sinners. Need I go on because the list could keep me going until Christmas.”
I raised my hands in surrender, and then snatched away the tray of pepperoni and cheese. I had to do something to take a stand for humanity.
“Can I add one last thing?” Satan queried with an angelic (fallen angel?) look on his face.
“I don’t care,” I mumbled in reply. “It’s not like I can stop you.”
“I’m thankful for my friend Austin, who despite my reputation, still welcomes me into his home and treats me like a friend.” He then patted me on the back with one of his huge, clawed hands.
What could I say to that? The dude might be the Prince of Darkness, but he still knew how to do a decent Prince Charming imitation when the situation required it. No wonder people just sign away their afterlives to him.
“Here,” I blurted out as I forced the tray of snacks into his massive hand. The Devil might’ve tempted me into hating him, but I just couldn’t keep myself in that dark place.
It was, after all, Thanksgiving and I was thankful that the nuns had raised me to know I was going to spend all eternity in the one place where he’d no longer be able to drop in and raid my fridge.
Did I really just say I was thankful for nuns???