Tooth Fairy Arrested For Breaking & Entering

Bangor Police were called to an Essex St. apartment in the pre-dawn hours this morning by a frantic parent who reported an intruder in her son’s bedroom.  When officers arrived on the scene, they found Charlie White, softball bat in hand, standing over the accused, who was unconscious on the bedroom floor.

Police have identified the intruder as Wally Ridgeway, 44, of Milford.  Mr. Ridgeway suffered a minor concussion and was taken to Eastern Maine Medical Center for treatment before being released to Bangor PD officers for booking.

The Whites’ son, age 6, slept through the entire incident and was not harmed.

As you can assume, this Modern Philosopher would not be covering the story unless it had a unique twist.  What makes this not just a simple crime?  I’ll let Mr. Ridgeway tell you…

“I’m the Tooth Fairy!” he told me and had been saying so repeatedly since regaining consciousness.  “The kid lost his tooth, I got a text to take care of the job, and that’s why I was in his room.  Check my wallet.  My license is in there…I am a licensed Tooth Fairy, qualified and permitted to work in the state of Maine.  DHHS approved me!”

Calls to DHHS went unanswered, but what else would one expect from a government agency on the weekend?  Heck, I wouldn’t expect to be able to get through to an agent even during the regular work week.

Ridgeway’s wallet did contain the license in question, there was a crisp dollar bill in there as well, and the White boy had lost a tooth earlier in the day.  Then again, the man seated across from me in handcuffs looked a heck of a lot more like a creepy pedophile than he did the Tooth Fairy.

“Like all businesses, the Otherworldly Creature Industry is dealing with the effects of this bad economy,” Ridgeway explained.  “Original Tooth Fairies have a great union and are extremely well compensated, but their jobs don’t bring in any income.  All they do is give away money and it was bleeding the corporation dry.  Leadership forced layoffs down the throat of the union, some Tooth Fairies were offered a nice retirement package to walk away, while others were simply let go.  Those who stayed on had to agree to leave the union, work for a much lower wage, and give up their health insurance.”

Once Ridgeway got to telling this tale, he seemed a lot less creepy and much more the type of person who would just want to make sure a child woke up with a dollar under his pillow and still believing in mythical, magical creatures.

“Clearly, kids were still losing teeth, so something had to be done to cover the routes that no longer had Original Tooth Fairies assigned to them,” he continued.

“Essentially, they outsourced the job?” I asked.

Ridgeway smiled because he could sense I was coming around to his version of the truth.  “Exactly.  I’m an independent contractor covering Northern and Eastern Maine.   I get a text telling me who lost a tooth and where to go.  I sneak into the room, grab the tooth, and leave the dollar.  I send the tooth back to headquarters to verify that the job has been done, and two weeks later, I get a check for my efforts.”

I was curious to learn how Ridgeway got the job and if there were any special qualifications necessary to be hired.

“I got it through a temp agency,” he told me with a smile.  “I had been working at the Old Town Mill and then bouncing from temp job to temp job after it closed.  All I needed was a valid license, the ability to walk softly, and I had to pass a written exam.  After a couple of weeks, I got a call from the agency that the corporation really liked my work and wanted to hire me on a independent contractor basis.  I jumped at the chance for something steady.  You see, in Maine, kids are always getting their teeth knocked out playing hockey or from falling when being chased by some sort of monster.  So I’m working every night.  Some nights, I’ve got 3 or 4 stops to make.  I can’t complain.”

Ridgeway said this was the first time he’d been caught in the act of doing his new job.  “I’m not happy with myself, but corporate didn’t tell me that the family had recently adopted a dog from the Bangor Humane Society.  That thing was adorable, but quite the yapper.  Had I’d known there was a dog, I would’ve brought some treats to keep him content.”

Ridgeway explained that arrests do happen from time to time, but corporate sends in a big time lawyer to handle the case and get the charges dropped.  “Every cop and judge has a kid or a grandkid that’s going to need my services some day, so they always just drop the charges and apologize.”

Does Ridgeway harbor any ill will towards the Bangor Police Department, or to the man who popped him in the head with an aluminum bat?

“Not at all,” he quickly answers as he puts a hand to the bandage on his forehead.  “I’ve got kids of my own, so I would’ve reacted the same way and would want the police to haul off any strangers found in my home.  Everyone was just doing what they had to do.”

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Are you okay with the job of Tooth Fairy being outsourced in the name of rescuing the bottom line?  Are you worried that other jobs will have the same fate befall them?  Do you want some total stranger coming down your chimney on Christmas?  Do you want some minimum wage earner hiding Easter eggs in your living room?

Talk to me, friends, and let me know what you’re thinking.  One thing you can always count on is that the task of running this blog will never be outsourced.  I promise I’m here with you to the bitter end!



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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43 Responses to Tooth Fairy Arrested For Breaking & Entering

  1. Well, it’s official, nothing is sacred anymore. First comes the outsourcing, next is automation. We are one step away from the “insert your tooth here” machine.

    • No! I have been very clear on this blog that I will fight off the Robot Apocalypse and the rise of the machines with every ounce of my strength. There is no way I would allow the Tooth Fairy to be replaced by a machine!

      • Lol! Ok ok ok I just went back a read a piece that clearly expresses your passion to keep it human. My husband shares that passion, never being shy to lecture ALL to dare to use the self-scan in his company. Not to mention his DEMAND at Home Depot to have a something with a pulse ring up his order. I stay home, bail money in hand.

    • It’s good to know your husband is also a member of the Robot Resistance and ready to fight against the Robot Apocalypse. I will keep him updated via this blog…

  2. momshieb says:

    Oh. Oh my. Jeesh.
    Is NOTHING sacred in this capitalistic horror show of a nation?
    I mean, really…….

    • At least our children will still get paid for their teeth. I’m just worried about what happens if they outscore the kidney fairy… 🙂

      • momshieb says:

        Well, as a fifth grade teacher, of course my only concern has been that children continue to be properly remunerated for lost teeth. I mean, I don’t want to have to add THAT discussion to my list of assigned topics, now do I? Phew. Scabs or no scabs, the “new” tooth fairy workers will just have to suffice!

      • Amen! Gotta keep the kids happy. 😀

  3. I hated the Tooth Fairy and still retain resentment. That cheap witch never left me more than forty cents. How was a kid supposed to save up for a Monopoly game with little subsidies like that? A Monopoly set cost five dollars then and raking leaves and cutting the hedges and scouring behind stores for bottles to bring for 2 cents deposit return , well one really hoped the Tooth Fairy would help out.

  4. mcwoman says:

    This post is fabulous! You had me laughing to the end. I’m OK with outsourcing tooth fairies with US citizens, but hopefully, the jobs will never go to Mexico.

  5. Ummmm….when my children put a tooth under a pillow, this original tooth fairy usually forgot and the forlorn tooth was still there in the morning. Egads! Perhaps I needed to be replaced by an independent contractor?
    I had to make up a lot of stories over the years to cover for my forgetfulness Stories like–
    “The tooth fairy accidentally flew into a terrible rainstorm last night, and when her gossamer wings got wet, they folded right up like wet tissue paper. Without her wings, she went spiraling down towards the ground, lost her bagful of quarters in a tree, and ended up face down in a puddle of mud. She didn’t want you to see her in this condition, so she left her wings at the dry cleaners early this morning and is home right now taking a shower. She told me that she will be here tonight– don’t worry. 🙂

    • These new guys never seem to miss an appointment, so I guess some good has come from farming out the work… 🙂

      • Actually, maybe not. The stories were at least worth a quarter or two. Years later, long after the quarters were spent and gone, the tooth fairy stories lived on.
        And (as you point out), even if the independent contractors are punctual and right on-time, it is still preferable to have the original tooth fairy in-house.

    • I think all that really matters is that the loser of the tooth gets some well deserved cash! 🙂

  6. Rhino House says:

    So, if someone punches out all of the teeth from every member of Congress, no more problems! And to think they always made such a fuss about economics is school, ha!

  7. Thank you for looking at my blog, as it showed me the way to yours and in doing so I have just read your excellent article about the Tooth Fairy. I wonder, is this outsourcing only in the USA, or is it worldwide, like Father Christmas. At least it is full time work, not like the aforementioned, which is only seasonal, but he does, however have to source the presents, which could take his time throughout the year..

    I look forward to your further renditions.

  8. Being a tooth fairy sounds like a dangerous gig. I think if I were going to outsource that kind of work, I’d hire them to be built like the Rock. 😉

  9. reocochran says:

    I always enjoy your stories, I may not read them in the proper order. I think if James Patterson can switch to kids’ books, you should switch to a different kind of film. I am not sure what you do write but kids and parents would all love your crazy, funny stories! (But no letting the secrets out of the bag to pre-teens! ha ha!)

    • Thank you for the compliment. I actually do dabble in kids stories with the Girl Who Makes My Heart Sing. She is a big fan of them as well, so I will often write them for her as a way of telling her I love her…

  10. Iamrcc says:

    I have 2 thoughts about this. The Tooth Fairy was not prepared. With so many people rescuing and adopting dogs, he should always have treats in his pocket. Why only a dollar for a lost tooth. I go a nickle and that was 60 years ago. My youngest brother got a quarter, that was 44 years ago. Seems like you should at least get 2 dollars. Anyway, thanks for visiting and the like of my post “Streak Ends – Light Cover”.

  11. naomimgruer says:

    The Tooth Fairy story was so funny I read it to my daughter who just lost a tooth. Thanks for stopping by Bmore Energy,, recently!

  12. “Tune in tomorrow for the next adventure.” “The Tooth Fairy and the Magic Pine Tree Air Freshener.” Quirky and a little crazy, welcome to my neighborhood.

  13. Touch2Touch says:

    You made me laugh. On a day when we’re looking out the window at a possible blizzard, that’s not chopped liver!

  14. dfolstad58 says:

    Very interesting blog post, but a dangerous line of work with all the handguns in the states! It was written in a relaxing realistic style which is not easy to do. Well done. Thanks for checking out my blog, and your suggestions are always welcome for me. Stop by again I hope.

  15. chebandbecky says:

    In my head, the tooth fairy was talking with a New Jersey accent. I don’t know if that’s what you had in mind, but in my head it really sounded funny. Excellent story.

  16. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    Another one from the Archives. Who doesn’t love the Tooth Fairy? The Bangor Police apparently…

  17. floridaborne says:

    The job of tooth fairy should remain what it has always been: A family-owned business. My granddaughter states that it’s the job she wants to do when she grows up. I’m encouraging her to follow her dream.

  18. queenlorene says:

    Any more, mention the Tooth Fairy and The Rock springs into my head with his tutu. Ive always wanted to know how this started, you have again roused my curiousity. Or, better yet, since I am lazy and overworked, you look into it and post a part 2!

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