DA Orders Grandma/Reindeer Murder Case Re-Opened in Light of New DNA Evidence

Santa SleighMaybe Grandma didn’t get run over by a reindeer after all…

The Jackson County District Attorney has ordered the infamous Grandma Hit & Run Case to be re-opened after new DNA evidence was brought to his office’s attention.  This Modern Philosopher is hot on the case because the new evidence was provided by the State Crime Lab right here in Maine!

I don’t like Maine Governor Paul LePage, so I am not going to quote him directly in this article even though his people have called my office several times begging that I let him go on the record and finally get some good publicity (You don’t need me to bore you with Maine politics, but this guy’s approval rating has to be lower than that of my constant house guest, The Devil).

What I will proudly tell you, however, is that our state’s crime lab is, without a doubt, the most advanced in the galaxy.  Our Alien friends have either donated the new equipment or the money and materials needed to build it.  They have also taught the lab techs how to use the space age technology, and even volunteer to work in the crime lab.

Alqfghjytiewdfghty (we call him Al), The Alien High Ambassador to the Maine Senate said the Alien population donated the resources because “Maine is our adopted home, and when humans perish, we feel the pain, too.  We want to be able to help our new neighbors figure out the cause of death.  Also, when my kind dies, we need to quickly discover the reason so that we can create a vaccine so it never happens again.  In addition, we need to be sure that the Alien death does not unleash a plague harmful to Earthlings.”

Some Alien scientists recently started combing through databases for information on famous murders.  The Granny case is the first to make use of the new technology.

“I can’t say anything at this time,” the Jackson County DA told this blog, “other than that the new DNA found at the scene was not of this world.”

Cue the ominous music!  That big reveal rules out the Reindeer and Santa Claus (come on…admit it…some of you have always liked him for Granny’s murder!) as suspects.  So what really happened that night?  What else was up in the night sky and then swooped down to permanently take out Grandma?

“We need to get it right this time,” the DA continued.  “This is the most high profile murder case in the history of the state.  It would be nice to finally put someone behind bars for it.”

As you know, even though it was determined that one of Santa’s Reindeer killed Grandma (a charge that the North Pole vehemently refutes to this day), nothing could be done since Santa Claus and his team enjoy diplomatic immunity.

Of course, the news was bound to bring some reaction from Santa’s Village.  Despite everyone else being hard at work on planning Christmas, Fred Claus was available for comment (no surprise there!), “Told ya so!” Fred screamed at me via Skype.  “We’ve always said everyone up here’s innocent.  Come on, Austin, when…I mean…if…an accident like that were to happen, you don’t think The North Pole has the resources to cover it up?  Do you really think the elite Reindeer Unit would ever leave behind evidence of foul play?  What a joke!”

So there you have it, Modern Philosophers.  The great big red & green band-aid has been ripped off this wound.  Grandma’s murder is once again unsolved.  Will her family ever get justice?  Who is the real murderer and how has the being managed to keep such a colossal secret for so long?  What’s going to happen to the annoying song that was written about the murder?

Send me your Deep Thoughts.  There’s nothing like a good mystery to really spice up the early days of Advent, is there?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to DA Orders Grandma/Reindeer Murder Case Re-Opened in Light of New DNA Evidence

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    Ahyuh, “NCIS: Bangor” has potential. First episode opens with someone pulling up a lobster trap with Paul LePage stuffed inside. “Ayuh, looks like the lobstahs finally three somethin’ back, by gorey…” Nicely done, and congrats on the new lab!

  2. reocochran says:

    I just wonder what was the lyricist thinking (or “on”) when he wrote that song anyway? Couldn’t we investigate that? I mean my children were upset once in their near toddler ages, when they heard that on the radio! How do you explain that to little kids? Oh well, your investigation team, lab and the Skype conversation were fun to read!

  3. lapoetaflor says:

    Interesting twist with the aliens. I didn’t see that coming. A cure to death? It depends on the perspective a person has on death whether or not they would want to be cured from it.

  4. gatesitter says:

    They are still playing the dubious diddy here in the dessert S.W. , heard it on my old Sony today. Will there finally be justice for Grandma and closure for her family ? Kindly keep us informed of any new info from the lab. This is of some personal interest to me as my grandkids roll with laughter at the song, I try not to be overly sensitive but…..

  5. susielindau says:

    Dang space ships. And they never use their turn signals… 🙂

  6. I knew it grandpa could never be trusted and reindeer are careful… Aliens most likely.. Possible Sasquasch the bum is always running folks down in my neck of the woods

    • We’ve got a few Sasquatch here in the Western Woods. What are yours like? The local high schools keep trying to recruit them to play on the basketball team, but they aren’t interested…

      • Ours are a nemesis… Eating all the good berries in the warm season and destroying snowmen in the winter months.
        Lately they’ve been messing with sun.. Happens every year about this time, don’t know how but ye make it get dark around 3:30 in the afternoon.
        Sas and the other Squashs are a real pain.
        Plus chasing off all the Grizzly Bears makes our local cat population flourish, at least the Moose don’t mind them.

      • Maybe we should swap tips on how to better defend our home towns from such pests…

  7. melfamy says:

    How terrible that the evidence was mis-sleighed for so many years

  8. Pingback: Arrest Warrant Issued in Grandma’s Murder; Reindeer Cleared! | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  9. Pingback: Medical Examiner Confirms that Frosty Died of Natural Causes | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  10. Shards Of DuBois says:

    I think you’ve completely forgot about the abominable snowman; he might be big, but he rarely leaves tracks in the snow, and disappears without a trace each summer. My guess is he was riding the reindeer, the one who used to bully Rudolf all the time, leaving him to take the fall!!!

  11. Phoport says:

    Good story and update. LMAO :;)

  12. Phoport says:

    I love imagination and humor in short stories.

  13. Phoport says:

    You can count on it, thanks. 😉

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