Mistletoe Partners with Hershey’s Kisses In Attempt To Feel Relevant

Man under toeDo you remember when people used to plot to maneuver a crush under the mistletoe to get that magical first kiss, Modern Philosophers?

Me, neither.  I’m told, however, that it used to be a regular thing.  I guess it was back in the days before people had self-confidence or discovered alcohol as a source of courage for finally trying to get that first smooch.

This Modern Philosopher has never hung mistletoe, nor has he ever kissed or been kissed under the plant.   I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.

The Mistletoe Board of Directors aka The Mistletoe Mafia (I’m fairly certain they’re the only ones who call themselves that) would like to change the way you think about their product.  They would love it if you rushed out to your local florist or feed and grain and ordered a bunch, or a batch, or a handful…however it is they measure mistletoe (Sorry, I really wasn’t paying attention at this news conference!) and used it to decorate your home and office for the holidays.

“I know with sexual harassment rules these days, it might be frowned upon to bring mistletoe into the office,” said someone up at the podium, whose name I’m not going to bother to research.  “We’d like to change that, though.  We don’t think there’s anything wrong with promoting some innocent kissing in the workplace.”

My immediate thought about that comment was “Well, isn’t it the non-innocent kind of kissing that really leads to promotions in the workplace?”  I desperately wanted to ask that question, but I somehow managed to hold my tongue.  I know that Santa is watching.

The big announcement was that Mistletoe is going to partner up with Hershey’s Kisses in kisseshopes of increasing sales and making the plant hip again.  Basically, they’re sticking some mistletoe in every bag of Christmas Hershey’s Kisses, so if you want the chocolate, you’ve got to also buy the gross green stuff that’s in the package.  It’s brilliant, because the Mafia can report that sales have increased, but is anyone really buying mistletoe?

Me thinks the answer to that one is “No!”  The only reason I even went to the announcement was because I was promised free chocolate.  Of course, I do give them props for making the effort.  Everyone else cashes in on Christmas, so why shouldn’t Mistletoe?

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Does this move reek of desperation?  Or are you old school and a lover of the ‘toe?  If you’ve got some happy, “smooching under the mistletoe” kind of memories, I’d love to hear them.

The only macking I’m doing right now is kissing goodbye to this bag of chocolate.  Send me more, and I promise to write something really awesome about you on my blog…



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Mistletoe Partners with Hershey’s Kisses In Attempt To Feel Relevant

  1. paulheels says:

    Mistletoe kills trees. It must be eradicated! Sour Patch Kids are way better than Kisses. This is a last ditch effort for both to be relevant in the new century.

  2. I always thought chocolate kisses were for those who weren’t lucky enough to catch the real thing under the toe. You can’t combined the consolation prize with the real deal. Honestly, I’ve never seen mistletoe at a party, in the office or in a home…weird. Is that you with the mistletoe?

  3. I have faux mistletoe hanging in my kitchen, in a last ditch attempt to feel relevant. Will any particular variety of Hershey’s™ kisses be more (or less) acceptable?

  4. Great idea. But get the guy to shave. My wife insists on calling me “bristle-puss” when I don’t and try to kiss her. Will HERSHEY’S ever come out with sugar-free Kisses for us diabetics, if we are foolish to eat a whole lot of them, in lieu of the other kind of kisses?

  5. Never smooched under a ‘branch’ of toe, but definate bucket list material out of good old fashioned sentimentality. here’s the real question- milk or dark kisses?

  6. I’m afraid it’s entirely possible that after all the babies created the year Cliff Richards launched his Christmas song Mistletoe & Wine (alcohol & sex being a well known, lethal combo) that many families banned the ‘Toe from their households, inadvertently creating the extinction of the ‘Toe from the holidays.

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