Arrest Warrant Issued in Grandma’s Murder; Reindeer Cleared!

The song got it whandcuffsrong after all, Modern Philosophers.  As reported earlier this week in this blog, new DNA evidence has been brought to light in the infamous Grandma Hit & Run case.

Bottom line: Grandma DID NOT get run over by a reindeer!

The Jackson County Distract Attorney today issued an arrest warrant for Vlxzyak Awkiiiigdfrgtjjqiaosz, a native of the Cronebula-Zon Galaxy.  According to the Alien High Ambassador to the Maine Senate (Maine is the only state in the Union to allow Aliens to become legal residents and grant them a voice in the government), the individual in question was on Earth illegally at the time of the incident, was piloting his space craft with a suspended license, and has since fled our galaxy for parts unknown.

“That explains why he was able to avoid coming to the attention of our investigation,” the Jackson County DA told this Modern Philosopher.  “We had no record of this alien’s existence and he fled the planet, which means he never had an opportunity to become ensnared in our dragnet.”

“You can understand why the reindeer seemed like the perfect suspect,” he continued.  “It was Christmas Eve and the victim had incriminating hoof prints on her back.  Apparently, what we assumed were hoof prints were actually imprints from the landing gadgetry of the suspect’s space craft.”

At this point, NASA has no plans for building a manned space craft capable of traveling to Galaxythe Cronebula-Zon Galaxy in order to make the arrest.  “To be perfectly honest,” confessed my contact at NASA, “I’ve never even heard of that system.  Where did you say it was?”

I tried to get a comment from the North Pole, but as you can understand, things are a little busy up there with Christmas looming and the recent Elf Growth Spurt issue (please see yesterday’s post on that topic for more details).  My usual contact, Fred Claus, has been banned from Skype indefinitely for his recent behavior during an interview with this blog.

DonnerLuckily, right before posting this piece, I received a tweet from Tony (the Reindeer formerly known a Donner…there’s a post about that one, too.  You REALLY should be following this blog so you’re up to date on all this info!). He wrote: “So happy 2 b vindicated. Reindeer rule, Aliens drool! Merry, Merry!”

Grandma’s family has long asked that their privacy be respected, but my sources within the family tell me that a public statement will be made, most likely on Christmas Eve to coincide with the anniversary of the murder.

What do you think Modern Philosophers?  Is it better to know who done it, even if the who can never be brought to justice?  Were you surprised at how quickly the Jackson County DA moved on the new evidence and came up with a suspect?  How grateful are you that the Aliens living in Maine have donated their scientific knowledge and technology, which led to the discovery of the new DNA evidence?  How ironic is it that Alien technology led to one of their own being wanted for murder?

So much to ponder.  I’ll be producing Deep Thoughts well into the wee hours of the morning.  I hope that if you aren’t already following this blog, you will join the growing legion of Modern Philosophers now powering this site with their Deep Thoughts and laughter while also looking really sharp in their new togas.

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Arrest Warrant Issued in Grandma’s Murder; Reindeer Cleared!

  1. gatesitter says:

    Thank you so much for the update.

  2. rickjantz says:

    Lets hire the reindeer after Christmas to take us to the Cronebula-Zon Galaxy. They get revenge, vindication, and become global heroes. Grandma’s family might feel better, too.

  3. I’m always surprised when crimes are solved quickly. A law enforcement officer informed me years ago “this isn’t TV lady.”

  4. Hee hee … “Reindeer rule, aliens drool.” Still giggling. Oh, just wondering. Does the Cronbula-Zon Galaxy celebrate Christmas? If not, that might be an emerging market for door-to-door proselytizing.

  5. paulheels says:

    Haha. This gave me my morning laugh!

  6. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    Grandma’s Ghost asked me to re-post this one from last Christmas!

  7. Maybe, at long last, that will put an end to that horrible overplayed Christmas ditty. At least ban it–to only be played on “Dr. Demento.” Now, to end the farting reindeer rendition of “Jingle Bells.”

  8. The Cutter says:

    This sounds suspicious. The alien excuse just comes off as a bit too convenient

    • Austin says:

      I wrote it last year when my investigative reporter skills weren’t quite honed yet. I didn’t dig deep enough or ask enough biting questions. I’m sorry… 😦

  9. cat9984 says:

    Any chance this guy dressed up like a Grinch and is living peacefully in Whoville under the assumed identity?

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