Flying Monkeys To Escort Santa’s Sleigh Due to Growing Security Concerns

Flying MonkeysGeneral Phineas “Woody” Appleton, Commander in Chief of the North Pole Security Agency, announced today that because of growing security concerns, Santa’s sleigh will be escorted around the world by a battalion of Flying Monkeys this Christmas.

Gen. Appleton, the long time leader of the Wooden Soldiers, would not reveal the nature of the security concerns, but did confirm that this is the first year that Santa Claus and the Reindeer would have company on their journey.

“That’s not entirely true,” Woody (he insisted on being called that) later corrected himself to this Modern Philosopher.  “We’ve never revealed this, but three heavily armed and well-trained Elves travel with Santa every Christmas.  They’re like his personal Secret Service detail, only much deadlier.”

The Flying Monkeys are expected to arrive from Oz tomorrow, but this won’t be their first visit to the North Pole.  “The Monkeys have trained with the Reindeer in the past,” Woody explained.  “It’s how they all stay in shape during their respective off seasons.  I don’t foresee there being any trouble with the two teams working together on the big day, especially when they’ll have a week and a half to coordinate security.”

This Modern Philosopher is not afraid to admit that the Flying Monkeys used to give him NPSAnightmares…well into his adult years.  What could possibly have North Pole Security so worried that they’d call in the big guns?

“There is a great deal of unrest in the world,” a contact at the Pentagon told me after the announcement.  “Too many people are armed with weaponry that can shoot something out of the sky.  Santa’s sleigh has no shields or anti-missile defenses.  He’s essentially a sitting duck up there in the night sky.”

We can speculate all we want about the nature of the threat, but the sad truth of the matter is that there’s someone out there willing to take a shot at Santa Claus.  What has this world become?  Do we even deserve Christmas?

SantaWhat do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Do you want to live in a world where even Santa Claus is in danger of a terrorist attack?  What kind of person would have the audacity to make such a threat?  Do you think North Pole Security is handling the situation correctly?  Would you want Woody to add more security up there with the sleigh?

Send me your thoughts, friends.  I’m going to sit here, listen to Christmas Carols, and try to trick myself into believing I still live in a world where Santa Claus is safe…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Flying Monkeys To Escort Santa’s Sleigh Due to Growing Security Concerns

  1. Appleton? Really? Apple ton?
    Isn’t that an interesting coincidence so closely followiing the announcement of Mrs. Claus’s healthy snack initiative?
    Are these thugs being deployed to protect Santa or to enforce the no-cookie policy? This leaves me with more questions than answers, MP.

    • Clearly, they are there to protect Santa from a threat on his life. Flying Monkeys eat only bananas, scarecrows, lions, tin men, and Kansas farm girls. They’d have no interest in traditional Christmas treats…

      • Precisely why Mrs. Santa would trust them to monitor the Big Guy’s diet. They’re like Yuletide eunuchs.

        I’m afraid. I’m very afraid. And now I’m off to rid the villa of all bananas, scarecrows, lions, tin men, and Kansas farm girls. And little dogs, too.

        Thanks for the heads up. Be safe.

      • Well, if you read my latest post, you’ll see that things are looking up. Hanukkah Harry is going to ride with Santa! And bring him snacks!!!

  2. melfamy says:

    There is a war on Santa, just as there is a war on Xmas. And everyone who says any of the following, Kris kringle, Father Knickerbocker, Saint Nick, Pere or Papai Noel, Joulopukki or Gwiazgor, instead of Santa Claus, is on the front lines of this sacrilege, and should be gunned down, then overrun by Transformers, and what’s left scooped up in pails, made into sand castles, and kicked down and washed to sea. Then, when tides comes back in, take…..

  3. Pingback: Hanukkah Harry to Ride Along with Santa Claus in Display of Holiday Solidarity | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  4. I LOVE flying monkeys!! They are perfect for Santa security, and they are sooo cute 🙂

  5. Pingback: Hanukkah Harry Talks About Riding Along With Santa; Hints At Getting His Own Sleigh | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  6. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    Here’s another Classic Christmas post from the Archives. Hope you enjoy it. Happy Holidays!

  7. shawn says:

    #AWEsome. I love the direction this could take as a whole new story series 🙂

  8. Louise says:

    so it is true.. Santa does need more protection these days. Just saw a journo ask the defence chief if they were, really, tracking Santa.. His reply and body language suggested they were. He pretended to be surprised BUT .. it was like the time they tried to deflect from watergate.
    Flying Monkeys hmmm are they trained enough what about Kung Fu Panda and his friends.???

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