General Phineas “Woody” Appleton, Commander in Chief of the North Pole Security Agency, announced today that because of growing security concerns, Santa’s sleigh will be escorted around the world by a battalion of Flying Monkeys this Christmas.
Gen. Appleton, the long time leader of the Wooden Soldiers, would not reveal the nature of the security concerns, but did confirm that this is the first year that Santa Claus and the Reindeer would have company on their journey.
“That’s not entirely true,” Woody (he insisted on being called that) later corrected himself to this Modern Philosopher. “We’ve never revealed this, but three heavily armed and well-trained Elves travel with Santa every Christmas. They’re like his personal Secret Service detail, only much deadlier.”
The Flying Monkeys are expected to arrive from Oz tomorrow, but this won’t be their first visit to the North Pole. “The Monkeys have trained with the Reindeer in the past,” Woody explained. “It’s how they all stay in shape during their respective off seasons. I don’t foresee there being any trouble with the two teams working together on the big day, especially when they’ll have a week and a half to coordinate security.”
This Modern Philosopher is not afraid to admit that the Flying Monkeys used to give him nightmares…well into his adult years. What could possibly have North Pole Security so worried that they’d call in the big guns?
“There is a great deal of unrest in the world,” a contact at the Pentagon told me after the announcement. “Too many people are armed with weaponry that can shoot something out of the sky. Santa’s sleigh has no shields or anti-missile defenses. He’s essentially a sitting duck up there in the night sky.”
We can speculate all we want about the nature of the threat, but the sad truth of the matter is that there’s someone out there willing to take a shot at Santa Claus. What has this world become? Do we even deserve Christmas?
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Do you want to live in a world where even Santa Claus is in danger of a terrorist attack? What kind of person would have the audacity to make such a threat? Do you think North Pole Security is handling the situation correctly? Would you want Woody to add more security up there with the sleigh?
Send me your thoughts, friends. I’m going to sit here, listen to Christmas Carols, and try to trick myself into believing I still live in a world where Santa Claus is safe…