Frosty the Snowman, that jolly, happy soul, did in fact die of natural causes.
This fact was confirmed by Maine’s Chief Medical Examiner, who performed an autopsy on Frosty’s remains in the state’s refurbished Crime Lab. As I mentioned in an earlier post, the state Crime Lab in Augusta is the best on the planet due to recent donations by our Alien friends. The Lab played a huge role in finding the true killer in the “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” murder (read all about it here: Grandma and the Crime Lab).
When the Snowmen returned to Maine last week, they came back with a simple request and the ice cubes that are Frosty’s preserved remains. The leader of the Snowman Tribe asked if Maine’s new equipment could be used to determine once and for all if Frosty died naturally or if he was murdered.
As you probably recall, Modern Philosophers, Frosty’s death was a tabloid sensation and an animated TV special was made of the incident. The TV show, more than anything else, led to the suspicion that a magician named Professor Hinkle had murdered the famed Snowman to recover his top hat. A life in exchange for a hat? How gruesome.
Hinkle has long maintained his innocence, but the local children (now adults) who had befriended Frosty would not accept that foul play was not involved.
The Medical Examiner’s report is clear on the matter, however: Frosty was not murdered. He died of natural causes, a fate that befalls all Snowmen when the sun is bright on a particular day. At least he got to say goodbye to his friends and have some fun before he melted away, though. That’s all that really matters.
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Are you finally able to let Professor Hinkle off the hook? Or are you like me in that you don’t trust magicians? I’ll have to put in a call to my friends at Hogwarts to see if they would like to make a comment on behalf of those you dabble in “The Arts”.
For now, think fondly of Frosty and perhaps build a newer, skinnier version of him in your yard after the next snow. I think he’d like that…
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
Hard to trust those who routinely saw their comely assistents in half. 😉
Excellent point! You should write about that… 🙂
Thanks for the suggestion, always looking for new ideas. 🙂
I’ve got too many. They keep me up at night. 🙂
I like how on a totally “ehh” day, I can come to your page and laugh like a dork over weather reports, cartoon conspiracies, and paranormal paranoid obsessions. Thanks for keepin’ it real. Who even *needs* “The Onion?!”
Awww…thank you for the compliment. That’s very sweet and exactly what I needed to hear after driving home in the snow. Ugh! Can’t stand having to do that…
My name is Dr. Charlie Zero and I just got the real results to “Frosty the Snowman”. He didn’t die of natural causes. He died watching T.V. and reading a bunch of UFO sightings. hahahaha!!! case close. 🙂
Oh, Charlie. Where, oh where, did you procure a medical degree? I’ll need to have that school closed…
hahahaha!!!
I want to get your opinion on my next blog post. The title of my blog post is called: Suicidal Christians Get Aroused By Death So They Shoot Themselves In The Head Just To See Hell Glow Red. – Should I post this or something else. What do you think?
That sounds a bit controversial given current events, don’t you think?
Your right…I’m not going to post that. I’m going to be posting this title: Quadraphonic isolated system.