Paparazzi Continue To Hunt For Photo Of Mommy Kissing Santa

paparazziPaparazzi will be out in droves this Christmas Eve, but this is the one night of the year that Lindsay Lohan, Kate and William, Leonardo DiCaprio and the other usual shutterbug victims will be safe from the ever prying eye of the camera.

Why can those celebrities breathe easy tonight?  Because Christmas Eve is when the paparazzi go after their White Whale…that elusive photo of Santa Claus kissing a Mommy.

Ever since “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” became a sensation, tabloids across the globe have been trying to catch old St. Nick in the act and discover the name of the woman who inspired the song.  Even though he has denied the allegations, with a supportive Mrs. Claus at his side, Santa Claus has never quite been able to put the rumors to bed.

“Believe me, big bro was a player back in the day, but he’s a married man now and my sister-in-law is the only one who ever gets to smooch his jolly lips,” Fred Claus assured this Modern Philosopher today via Skype.  “You do realize that the song was a joke, told from the point of view of a child who didn’t realize that his Mom was just macking on his Dad, who was wearing the Santa suit to surprise the kid, right?”

The denials from Santa Claus, the affidavits signed by the song’s writer, and dozens of passed polygraph tests have not been enough the squelch the rumor.  The Star is reportedly offering a one million dollar bounty for a photo of Kris kringling on any woman who is not his wife.  The New York Post is allegedly offering twice that amount of money and the Editor-in-Chief’s firstborn child.

Santa ChimneyPlenty of surveillance photos of Santa Claus have turned up in the tabloids over the years, but none of them have been of an incriminating nature.  Most just show him breaking into homes, consuming the homeowners’ food and drink, and occasionally using the toilet.  That doesn’t keep the photographers from chasing after the golden photo.

“I’ve heard of paparazzi planting sexy women to wait for Santa, in the nude, while they waited in the house across the street to snap the photo,” Fred informed me.  “Some desperate amateurs even try to seduce him while their husbands hide behind the curtains read to catch the kiss with their cell phone camera.  It really is pathetic.  For the record, everyone of those damn idiots is on the Naughty list for perpetuity!”

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Why would people even care to see such a photograph?  Aren’t their too many flawed heroes out there already?  Why can’t we have just one who’s pure and not ready to jump on the first piece of tail that puckers up for him?  Isn’t there a drunk starlet out their who needs her picture taken as she pukes into a dumpster outside of a club?

SantaI’ve already had to chase a few paparazzi off the street outside of The House on the Hill tonight.  I just write a silly blog, so I have no idea why they want pictures of me.  Plus, The Girl Whose Kisses Give Me Goose Bumps was not at all keen of the idea of their snapping away at us while we cuddled beneath the mistletoe.

So before I get up to draw the curtains, I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas Eve and warn you that someone might be out there watching your home and hoping that Santa Claus tries to kiss you tonight…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Paparazzi Continue To Hunt For Photo Of Mommy Kissing Santa

  1. I may not have got a kiss from Santa, but I got one from my Dad on the cheek. Merry Christmas ❤

  2. Sayantan says:

    I really feel sorry for those Paparazzi. Planting hot women isn’t going to work on Santa. He’s probably lost his libido a long time ago. 😛

    Merry Christmas. 😀

  3. List of X says:

    Do you mean to say that paparazzi already have a photo of Santa Claus sunbathing topless on Cote d’Azure and a photo of Mrs. Claus pregnant?

  4. melfamy says:

    “You do realize that the song was a joke, told from the point of view of a child who didn’t realize that his Mom was just macking on his Dad, who was wearing the Santa suit to surprise the kid, right?”
    That’s the best alibi he could come up with? And has anybody sought counseling for this poor child, who has seen things children were not meant to see?

    In a related story, I understand that Larry Flynt, of Hustler Magazine fame, is going to publish the photos of Santa coming down a chimney

  5. And some still wonder why Santa is so jolly. After all these years he’s still got it!

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