Blogger Declares Maine the Coldest Place on Earth

frozenNow that the Holiday warmth and love has left Maine, the state has officially become the coldest place on Earth.  I am declaring this in my blog, Modern Philosophers, so it must be true!  Check out the photo to the left, which I took from my front porch this morning.  Believe me now?  I don’t have a thermometer handy, but I’m going to say it must be about 30 below zero.

Okay, so maybe it’s not 30 below, and maybe I pulled that photo off Google, but this morning, I glanced at the dashboard thermometer as I backed my car out of the garage.  It read 14 degrees.  By the time I’d turned onto Fern St, which is about a mile away, it read 1 degree.  If I’d driven another couple of miles at that rate, it would’ve been -30 in no time.  You cannot argue with the math…

bundledWhy is it so damn cold?  The first reason is the arrival of The Snow Birds.  In most places “snow bird” is a term for a person who migrates to a warmer place to spend the Winter months.  In Maine, we call those people “quitters”.  Snow Birds are something entirely different up here.

The flying white beasts look something like albino pterodactyls, only much uglier and more menacing.  A Snow Bird’s average wing span is 12 feet.  When they flap those giant, powerful wings, they generate the frigid Winter wind that send the mercury scurrying well below the line of accepted normalcy.  The creatures also breathe ice.  When a Mainer wakes up in the morning to find her car iced over, it’s more than likely because a Snow Bird roosted on the roof and breathed all over the unlucky vehicle.

Unfortunately, it’s illegal to hunt Snow Birds in Maine, and we have our friends from distant galaxies to thank for that one.  According to the Alien Ambassador to the Maine Senate, the creatures eerily resemble, Kaaza, the Vilopian god of happiness and prosperity.  Since 98% of all Aliens living in Maine are practicing Vilopians and worshipers of Kaaza, it was decided that Snow Birds could not be killed for any reason other than to save the life of a human.  Even then, there needs to be serious proof that the human in question was about to bite it.

Needless to say, the Snow Birds have returned to Maine in droves, and their New Year’s Resolution seems to be to show us what Hell would look like frozen over.

snow angelThe other major cause of the barbaric temperatures is the Snow Demon population.  Unlike their beloved counterparts, the Snow Angels, Snow Demons are a real pain in the under carriage.  The little buggers ride through the streets on icycles (bicycles made of ice).  The treads of their tires leave the icy glaze on the roads that makes Winter driving so dangerous.  A Snow Demon can lower the temperature of anything below the freezing point simply by kissing it, and the little monsters are horny as hell.  If you ever touch a Snow Demon, you run the risk of losing that body part to frostbite.

Of course, we have one person to blame for the Arctic conditions in Maine…my archenemy Snow Miser.  The Snow Birds and Snow Demons obey his commands.  Clearly, he’s never going to let go of the fact that I once stole his girlfriend.  Why the guy can’t get past it is beyond me.  If only he could hold on to a woman like he holds on to a grudge…

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Any thoughts for banishing the Snow Birds and Snow Demons?  How cold does it get in your neck of the woods?  How many days is it until Spring???

Stay warm!

 

 

 

 

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

61 Responses to Blogger Declares Maine the Coldest Place on Earth

  1. in Maine,we call those people quitters- ha ha ha – I have to get off the floor–in Canada we call those people old Canadians with money

  2. Xavier Yes says:

    I travel back and forth between Vermont and Maine, and totally feel your pain. While in Vermont, I can see my breath in my bedroom, but in Maine, I can’t type without gloves.

  3. Ned's Blog says:

    Yikes! Here I was complaining about having to scrape frost from my Neon with a Bi-Mart card. If anyone does dispute your claim, I’ve got your back.

  4. To that picture, I just have to say, DAMN that’s a lot of snow.

  5. grannyK says:

    I really don’t like winter much these days. It’s kind of cold here, but not as cold as that picture looks!

  6. Amy says:

    Oh my gosh! It looks like the houses are snow carvings as opposed to real houses! I loved the comment about snowbirds resolving to show you what hell would look like frozen over 😀 I normally complain about the monotony of the warm weather in the southwest, but now I’m thinking twice! 😀

    Stay warm!

  7. Renchick says:

    Wow! I feel quite lucky to be in WI, where much like your description, our morning began at 14 degrees…but it climbed to a full 19 degrees by noon. 🙂

  8. I am a Snowbird. Boo Yah!

  9. I spent the majority of my life down on the gulf coast of Mississippi. I’ve never seen more than an inch of snow at a time, but you’d be impressed with the heat and humidity during the summers!

  10. The next time I hear someone in my neck of the woods complaining about cold in JANUARY, I’m going to fill them on on your suffering. For god sakes I was shivering at 14 on the dashboard! Can’t the Devil warm that place up?

  11. It’s a balmy six degrees here in Wisconsin…we have a few fleeing snowbirds in our family. We should call them quitters too. Hilarious.

  12. I’m in AZ, where all the quitters come to play…Thanks for reminding me why the desert life is a beautiful thing. But not to worry – in July I will be burning with jealousy…and sunburn.

  13. It would be nice to stay inside and write all day, wouldn’t it?

  14. wedelmom says:

    And to think I was shivering and complaining about our high of 18 degrees today here on the frozen plains of the heartland. Must be the snowbirds flying over to get to Maine.
    Thanks for putting it into perspective!

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  16. LucyJartz says:

    Some people would read your blog and say “and I thought 48*F was cold…” but I’m telling you, 48*F is cold.

    Granted, we do not have any snow to shovel south of Dallas (although there was some snow near Arlington for a day or two last week). I believe the Fahrenheit scale was only invented to bump the temp up from 0*C to something that sounds about 32 degrees warmer, and helps us avoid having to add and subtract negative numbers when the temperature drops and rises.

  17. LucyJartz says:

    However, I do just love the little snow village picture you put on your blog. Very pretty.

  18. Edgar Swamp says:

    I grew up in Green Bay, Wisconsin and I thought I knew what cold was. Sounds like a breeze (tepid, maybe) compared to Maine!

  19. susielindau says:

    I think those dang snow birds have migrated west! It has been cold here too!
    Great link to leave at the party! I hope you have fun clicking and introducing yourself to the guests!

  20. gardenlilie says:

    Cool piece! Okay, freezen good! Thanks for stopping by my blog, I should have lit the fire for ya ;)!

  21. filbio says:

    Hi! Just stopping by as Susie sent me over from her blog party. Great post!

    Maine is a state I have yet to visit. Not going to go there in winter!

    Following your blog! 🙂

    Happy New Year!

    http://www.blog.theregularguynyc.com

    Phil

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