Now that the Holiday warmth and love has left Maine, the state has officially become the coldest place on Earth. I am declaring this in my blog, Modern Philosophers, so it must be true! Check out the photo to the left, which I took from my front porch this morning. Believe me now? I don’t have a thermometer handy, but I’m going to say it must be about 30 below zero.
Okay, so maybe it’s not 30 below, and maybe I pulled that photo off Google, but this morning, I glanced at the dashboard thermometer as I backed my car out of the garage. It read 14 degrees. By the time I’d turned onto Fern St, which is about a mile away, it read 1 degree. If I’d driven another couple of miles at that rate, it would’ve been -30 in no time. You cannot argue with the math…
Why is it so damn cold? The first reason is the arrival of The Snow Birds. In most places “snow bird” is a term for a person who migrates to a warmer place to spend the Winter months. In Maine, we call those people “quitters”. Snow Birds are something entirely different up here.
The flying white beasts look something like albino pterodactyls, only much uglier and more menacing. A Snow Bird’s average wing span is 12 feet. When they flap those giant, powerful wings, they generate the frigid Winter wind that send the mercury scurrying well below the line of accepted normalcy. The creatures also breathe ice. When a Mainer wakes up in the morning to find her car iced over, it’s more than likely because a Snow Bird roosted on the roof and breathed all over the unlucky vehicle.
Unfortunately, it’s illegal to hunt Snow Birds in Maine, and we have our friends from distant galaxies to thank for that one. According to the Alien Ambassador to the Maine Senate, the creatures eerily resemble, Kaaza, the Vilopian god of happiness and prosperity. Since 98% of all Aliens living in Maine are practicing Vilopians and worshipers of Kaaza, it was decided that Snow Birds could not be killed for any reason other than to save the life of a human. Even then, there needs to be serious proof that the human in question was about to bite it.
Needless to say, the Snow Birds have returned to Maine in droves, and their New Year’s Resolution seems to be to show us what Hell would look like frozen over.
The other major cause of the barbaric temperatures is the Snow Demon population. Unlike their beloved counterparts, the Snow Angels, Snow Demons are a real pain in the under carriage. The little buggers ride through the streets on icycles (bicycles made of ice). The treads of their tires leave the icy glaze on the roads that makes Winter driving so dangerous. A Snow Demon can lower the temperature of anything below the freezing point simply by kissing it, and the little monsters are horny as hell. If you ever touch a Snow Demon, you run the risk of losing that body part to frostbite.
Of course, we have one person to blame for the Arctic conditions in Maine…my archenemy Snow Miser. The Snow Birds and Snow Demons obey his commands. Clearly, he’s never going to let go of the fact that I once stole his girlfriend. Why the guy can’t get past it is beyond me. If only he could hold on to a woman like he holds on to a grudge…
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Any thoughts for banishing the Snow Birds and Snow Demons? How cold does it get in your neck of the woods? How many days is it until Spring???