Mercury Poisoning: Thermometers Refuse to Budge as Maine Returns to Ice Age

thermometerTalks between the People of Maine and the Thermometer Union broke down earlier today after the Mercury again refused to budge from its position well below freezing.  Neither side would discuss the negotiations on the record, but I was outside the conference room, and can tell you that voices were raised, furniture was thrown, and most of the conversation seemed to be of the four letter variety.  Paramedics were called into the room at one point, and they still have not emerged, making this Modern Philosopher think that they have been asked to remain inside because their services will be needed again.

Why are tempers flaring?  Most likely because Maine has plunged into a deep freeze so frigid that double digit temperatures are now considered a heat wave.  People cannot leave their homes unless they are bundled under so many layers that they look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

I was able to get one negotiator to speak to me off the record.  “They’re being total bastards,” she told me with anger in her eyes.  “They know they have us over the barrel, so they’re looking to screw us real good.  If we give in to their demands now, though, they’ll use the same ploy with us every winter.  If it wouldn’t make me feel like a traitor to my Maine heritage, I’d tell people to pack their bags and head south until at least April.”

coldI would love to call the negotiations “heated”, but that would be painfully ironic for those of us shivering our tails off in this frigid January weather.  Mainers are a resilient people, but they are beginning to show signs of cracking under the intense climate conditions.  Many were seen outside in winter gear displaying the logo of the hated New York Yankees.  “This is how bad it is,” one man confessed to me as tears rolled down his cheeks and onto his Derek Jeter scarf.  “I can’t keep my family warm without wrapping them in this blasphemy.  Something has got to be done to force the Mercury to budge!”

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Any thoughts on how to stay warm until the Mercury agrees to rise?  Would you abandon your home for warmer conditions if you were caught in this kind of cold snap?

Send me your Deep Thoughts.  As always, you can submit them in the comment section below or you can write them on paper and mail them to me at The House on the Hill.  I will read those and then burn them to warm my house…





About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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20 Responses to Mercury Poisoning: Thermometers Refuse to Budge as Maine Returns to Ice Age

  1. Its bit very crisp and cold here as well. You already suggested it: Layers upon layers of clothes. Dig out those scarves and hats and mittens (or gloves if you prefer that). Keep a warm beverage handy. We just gotta tough out the these freezing day! 🙂

  2. paulheels says:

    It was frigid here also. 35 this morning and a high of 56. My car took five minute to warm up.

    Hope you got enough firewood. And whiskey.

  3. Hiliarious post! I hope you had a few chuckles as you wrote it because laughing warms you up, right? I probably should not mention that I’m in Florida at the moment … that really isn’t necessary, is it … just ignore this last bit.

  4. ctoby says:

    perhaps moving to Buffalo (temporarily) would bring some relief without engendering feelings if Mainer guilt and shame. after all… Buffalo is…well, Buffalo…

  5. One of my other blogger buddies is in New Zealand, and she’s been posting about 106 degree heat….oh yeah, its summer down there! Going south for the winter sounds like a good plan :).

  6. The COLD. Brrrr. I live in Miami. Keerist, it must be 75 out there tonight.

  7. omawarisan says:

    You’ve got to leave. Ice belongs at the poles, in coolers and in glasses. Those are the only three acceptable locations. Sounds like you have free range ice. Gotta go.

  8. I hate the cold too. Go south if you can dig your way out to an airport. Just checked Florida temps online…

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