Talks between the People of Maine and the Thermometer Union broke down earlier today after the Mercury again refused to budge from its position well below freezing. Neither side would discuss the negotiations on the record, but I was outside the conference room, and can tell you that voices were raised, furniture was thrown, and most of the conversation seemed to be of the four letter variety. Paramedics were called into the room at one point, and they still have not emerged, making this Modern Philosopher think that they have been asked to remain inside because their services will be needed again.
Why are tempers flaring? Most likely because Maine has plunged into a deep freeze so frigid that double digit temperatures are now considered a heat wave. People cannot leave their homes unless they are bundled under so many layers that they look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
I was able to get one negotiator to speak to me off the record. “They’re being total bastards,” she told me with anger in her eyes. “They know they have us over the barrel, so they’re looking to screw us real good. If we give in to their demands now, though, they’ll use the same ploy with us every winter. If it wouldn’t make me feel like a traitor to my Maine heritage, I’d tell people to pack their bags and head south until at least April.”
I would love to call the negotiations “heated”, but that would be painfully ironic for those of us shivering our tails off in this frigid January weather. Mainers are a resilient people, but they are beginning to show signs of cracking under the intense climate conditions. Many were seen outside in winter gear displaying the logo of the hated New York Yankees. “This is how bad it is,” one man confessed to me as tears rolled down his cheeks and onto his Derek Jeter scarf. “I can’t keep my family warm without wrapping them in this blasphemy. Something has got to be done to force the Mercury to budge!”
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Any thoughts on how to stay warm until the Mercury agrees to rise? Would you abandon your home for warmer conditions if you were caught in this kind of cold snap?
Send me your Deep Thoughts. As always, you can submit them in the comment section below or you can write them on paper and mail them to me at The House on the Hill. I will read those and then burn them to warm my house…