In a stunning bit of news that is sure to resonate through the Rock World, The Rolling Stones announced today that they are finally going to give in to peer pressure and correct the grammatical errors in one of their greatest hits.
It is no secret that grammar geeks have been harassing rock groups for years to essentially change their tune. “Billions of people look at these musicians as gods, heroes, and the pinnacle of what one can achieve by working on his writing skills,” declared Simon Blott, the leader of Fans Against Nasty Grammar (FANG). “Our children grow up repeating their lyrics, and we are of the mind that those lyrics should be grammatically correct.”
Blott and his group have been petitioning bands for over a decade to clean up their acts, and this is the first time they’ve had success. “We came really close with some of the rappers,” Blott told me, “but in the end, they felt that the words wouldn’t be as powerful if the imperfections were removed.”
“I ain’t got nothing against that bloke and his mates,” admitted one of the Stones’ publicists, “but they gotta know there ain’t nothing they’re gonna say that’s gonna make Mick and the boys write any gooder. Things’ll happen for a reason, there’s no way nothing that happened here was cuz those do gooder dictionary thumpers got their panties all up in a bunch and made it so they ain’t the words of this song no more, you get me?”
This Modern Philosopher still gets headaches every time he tries to edit the above paragraph, but I do understand what the man is trying to say. So why did the band finally decide to change the lyrics? Let’s ask the man himself…
“I Do Not Receive Any Satisfaction just moves me,” Mick Jagger told me via Skype. “It makes me want to dance, it makes me want to rock, and it makes me want to set a proper example for future generations of songwriters. This is my legacy. I want history to remember me as a man who didn’t always choose to mangle his mother tongue”
A rep from the band’s label told me a slightly different story. “This is going to make the guys filthy rich all over again. Think about how many copies of Satisfaction 2.0 they’re going to sell. Imagine all the sold out concerts they’re going to have to play just so that 50 years of fans can gather to hear a new take on an old classic. It’s genius. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner.”
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Do you find yourself correcting the grammar when you sing some of your favorite songs? Are you okay with the language being mangled if the end product makes you want to boogie? What songs do you think need to be corrected next?
I look forward to your Deep Thoughts on this. Rock on, Modern Philosophers!