Bear Makes Millions While Contemporaries Hibernate

rich bearTheodore Bear, IV might not be the richest resident of Maine, but he is definitely the wealthiest bear.  In a state that has named its beloved college hockey team after the black bear, TB4, as he is better known, is truly the Big Bear on Campus.

This Modern Philosopher was lucky enough to sit down with the ferocious financial maven this afternoon at The House on the Hill.  Over giant pots of honey, we talked about life in Maine, the financial market, and how a shy little cub from the North Woods grew up to become the wealthiest bear in America, outside of the ones that play football in Chicago.

When I asked him for the secret to his success, my guest smiled and revealed a mouth of massive, frightening teeth.  “That’s simple,” he replied in a smooth voice with a slight British accent.  “I’m relentless.  I’m always at work.  I’m forever diversifying and I never pass on an opportunity to make an investment or take a chance.”

TB4 made his fortune in construction and real estate, building homes that his advertising describes as “Just Right!”.   He then opened a chain of Mama Bear Restaurants, famous for serving meals straight from his mother’s personal cookbook.  His Papa Bear clothing line is an international sensation, famous for its tuxedos and formal wear.  He also owns 7 Goldilocks beauty salons, 3 Bear Hugs Chiropractic and Wellness Centers, and 5 Quick Brown Fox gyms throughout Maine.  My guest has also been a driving force behind trying to bring a professional sports team to Maine.

nfl snow“If it weren’t for this season’s NHL strike, I really think we would’ve gotten a franchise in Bangor to play in the new arena,” he informed me.  “Now I think we’ll turn our attention to the NFL.  I believe the time has come for Mainers to have a team of their own, and nothing’s more exciting than football in the snow.”

There are plenty of bears in Maine, though.  What is it that separates Theodore from the rest of the pack?  “Isn’t that obvious?” he asked with a chuckle as he licked the honey from his lips with his long tongue.  “It’s my work ethic.  While my fellow bears spend three to four months hibernating, I’m putting in 70 hour work weeks.  Bears like to say ‘I’ll sleep when it’s Winter’, but my motto is ‘I’ll sleep after I have $100 Million in the bank and a guarantee that the market won’t tank if I take a nap.’  I know my fellow bears need their beauty sleep, but I’d much prefer to be rich than good looking.”

TB4 was being very modest.  He’s an extremely dashing bear, who models his Papa Bear tuxedo line in print and television ads.  He has been linked to several models and actresses (all blondes) and has been named Sexiest Bear Alive by Bear Magazine for the last five years.  And that streak doesn’t look like it’s about to end.

What’s next for the big guy?  “I’d like to get into the movie business,” he confessed.  “If I could just get my hands on the right script, I really think I could conquer Hollywood next.”

I decided to end the interview there so that I could familiarize my guest with some of my screenplays.  Fingers crossed, Modern Philosophers…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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19 Responses to Bear Makes Millions While Contemporaries Hibernate

  1. samantha045 says:

    I love your posts! They’re creative and witty–I always enjoy reading them!

  2. jaklumen says:

    in a smooth voice with a slight British accent
    Is that what’s known as the Transatlantic accent?

  3. Good idea to network & give yourself the opportunity to get in now!

  4. From the photo to the end I found myself laughing. Laughing not at the story, but at the fact I actually had to remind myself YOU ARE TALKING TO A BEAR. Very entertaining indeed!

  5. He is . . .The Most Interesting Bear In The World.

    • That line did go through my head, especially after I saw the lead photo on the piece. He does look rather dashing and worldly, doesn’t he? I think Goldilocks would label him “Just right”. 😉

  6. i think he looks like “my name’s bear. ted bear. mish monehpenneh, i wish you’d consent to be my honey.”

    (thanks for the like. i enjoy your writing.)

  7. I wonder what kind of scandal would come about if a story broke involving Mr. Bear and a very young blonde who happened to be sleeping in his bed when he came home?

  8. Funny and creative post. i think TB4 would be a beast on the field.

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