Residents of Bangor and Brewer now know what it feels like to be a scared little piggy after a pack of genetically altered Super Wolves escaped from a holding pen in the North Woods and paid the area a visit last night. What frightened citizens thought were wind gusts in excess of 45mph were actually the collected breaths of the pack as they huffed and buffed and tried to blow houses down.
This Modern Philosopher can offer a first hand account of what happened. I was up in bed and swore I thought the house was going to blow over. Every window in The House on the Hill rattled furiously. The trees in the side yard pounded against the walls, and I was worried that a branch was going to smash one of the windows. I texted The Girl Who Can Always Soothe My Nerves, and told her I was certain the house was going to be swept off its foundation. She was sweet enough to text back a lullaby, but as adorable as that was, it didn’t help me drift off to sleep.
Like my neighbors, I assumed the commotion was being caused by Winter Winds, which tend to whip through here with absolutely no regard for the speed limit. At one point, I thought I heard Gary the Gargoyle screaming from his perch on the roof, but I wrote it off as more of the wind. This morning, he told me that he was trying to scare off the pack, but there were just too many of them, and they ignored him.
Why are there genetically altered Super Wolves in the North Woods? Well, this is Maine, so that’s sort of a ridiculous question, and by asking it, you identify yourself as someone from away. That part of the state is inhabited mostly by the Alien population. Aliens are curious, scientific beings. Their genetic work has helped to eliminate most diseases that cripple Maine wildlife, while also making them stronger and better breeders. Have you seen the size of a Maine lobster lately?
According to Ai-R’ha Klazzpo’er, an Alien Genetics Spokes Being, the pack of Super Wolves is in the early stages of its transformation, hence the out of control behavior. The animals were never meant to be out in public, but some sort of snafu with the security gate allowed them to roam right out of the facility. The Aliens are conducting their own internal investigation about the security breach.
As for the human authorities, Bangor Police Chief Bo Wardwell promised citizens that his forces were working round the clock to find the beasts with the amazing lung capacity. Thus far, they have managed to elude capture, which has something to do with the fact that they have the ability to run at twice the speed of regular wolves. Because of this, an expert on Lupine Psychology has been called in to assist the police.
That’s right, Modern Philosophers, Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to Bangor. The famous slayer of wolves and the author of numerous books on wolf behavior has long been an adviser to law enforcement. This will not be her first visit to Maine, but it might very well be the most memorable one given the number of her adversaries and the fact that they are infused with Alien DNA. Should make for quite the adventure.
For the time being, residents are advised to lock their doors, stay inside after sundown, batten down the hatches, and spend some time sleeping in the storm cellar if they have one. Temperatures are supposed to be well below zero the next two nights, and the Aliens think that this will cause the pack to seek shelter, and perhaps even return to their comfy lair in the North Woods.
All I know is that I’m going to put in some ear plugs tonight and hope that The House on the Hill is still standing come morning.
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? How does your local police force deal with the problem of genetically altered super animals? Has Little Red Riding Hood ever been called in to assist in your neighborhood? Does anyone know how much force these wolves would have to generate to knock down a house?
I look forward to your comments, and I hope this is a tale that ends happily ever after…