Maine Witch Trials Begin! Winners Advance to Witch Olympics

witches flightDespite the frigid temperatures, people are flocking to Maine and burning with excitement about what is at stake during the Maine Witch Trials!  These sporting events, held every nine years, determine which witches (say that ten times fast!) and covens will represent the United States in this Fall’s Witch Olympics, which open on Halloween.

There is so much excitement (and a multitude of broomsticks) in the air as crowds gather all over the state for the competitions.  Everyone is abuzz over the fact that this year’s events will take place in ’13, a number very important to witches and their fans.  Mainers are proud that their state will host the Witch Trials for the first time in almost a century.   Stephen King is scheduled to cast the ceremonial first spell, and over half a million people, and just as many non-humans, are expected to attend the games over the 13 days of the Trials.

covenWitches from all 50 states will participate, and Covens from at least two dozen states are anticipated for the team competitions.  As always, Maine, Massachusetts, Louisiana, and New Jersey have the strongest and largest Covens, but word around the cauldron is that brash upstarts from Arizona, Iowa, and Hawaii are having magical seasons and plan to enchant the judges as well as the fans.

As usual, a scaled down version of the Bubbling Olympic Cauldron will be aglow above the main stadium in Augusta, the state capital.  For those of you unfamiliar with the Witch Trials and the Witch Olympics, there is no Olympic flame for obvious reasons.

This Modern Philosopher is thrilled to be covering the Witch Trials and excited that most of my personal favorites such as the Broomstick Races, the Spell-ing Bee, the Big Kiss Off (the coolest event if you like kissing, frogs, and princes), Some Enchanted Evening, the Witchcathalon, Table-less Table Tennis, and Soccer will take place in Bangor.

Witch OlympicsSure, some of the more boring events like Swimming (we all know Witches float, but they’re horrible swimmers), Wart-a-Holics, Potions, Rhythmic Gymnastics, and Witch Hat Ring Toss will be held up here, but I should be able to ignore those and stick to the big ticket items.  I promise to keep you up to date with results as they happen.  I am so pumped for this!

It’s not all about the athletic competition, either.  The Maine Witch Trials promise fun and excitement for the entire family.  The Flying Monkeys will be back to offer free rides for the kids.  The Make Your Own Broomstick booths will be a main attraction near every stadium.  And the food will enchant your tummy!  I am most excited to see the life size, all you can eat, edible gingerbread houses that will be conjured up every day.

withcesSo even if you’re not a fan of magic or sports, come on out to the Maine Witch Trials just so you can say you were a part of history.  Every Witch Trial has been memorable, and there’s no reason to believe that this one won’t put all the others to shame.  Trust me, there is nothing quite like seeing dozens of Witches standing before the judges and nervously awaiting their fate.  They all deserve their moment in the spotlight, but only the truly special ones will go on to become Olympians.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Will you be headed up to Maine to be a part of the Witch Trials?  Do you want to see the Witches burn with competitive spirit?  Do you hope to catch the eye of Newt Gingrich, who has made it clear he will be attending?  Which Witch is your favorite?  What event would you most want to see?

Fly on up here.  There’s plenty of room at The House on the Hill if you need a place to crash.  I hope to see you…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Maine Witch Trials Begin! Winners Advance to Witch Olympics

  1. Fun article, love the word play. 🙂

  2. LucyJartz says:

    “Alakazam–POOF! You’re a toad!” Now lets see you beat me in the Hex Run.

  3. I’m cracking up at “word around the cauldron.” If I attend I want to wear a pointy hat, but not that safety cone style in the first photo, that thing is hideous. My favorite witch is Samantha Stevens…I adored her Uncle Arthur.

  4. I’m actually pulling for the witches from Mass. They went through a lot back in the 1800’s, but they’re an area steeped in tradition. I just hope they don’t panic when the dunking contest starts. That seems to be their most challenging event since they removed the swimming relay.

  5. Geo Sans says:

    EEEEEEEE … love The Flying Monkeys … best ride ever !!!

    knocks the stuffing out of you !

  6. What? No cackling contest?
    I’ve been practicing.

  7. I’m glad you saved the half-way pretty ones for the end…the way some guys are, there wouldn’t be enough room in the stands for witches, if the really alluring ones showed up! Hey…how come some witch hats are pointy while some, like that group of “lovelies” having tea outside are rounded on top? I don’t know myself…just asking!

  8. jrosenberry1 says:

    What is at stake…. oi… that is so bad! I’ll be there if Abercrombie can give me a lift.

  9. snowtrill says:

    Will there be any live scrying casts? I won’t be able to travel this year but I have my scrying mirror all primed and ready to tune in.

  10. snowtrill says:

    Any bigger and I never would have gotten the cats off to watch the silly thing. 🙂

  11. Aethersea says:

    I hope there are enough protective spells around the judges this year. I’ve heard such stories about the time Black Aliss lost the Kiss-Off . . .

  12. My ex will certainly attend. Matches anyone ?

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