The carousel of celebrity scandal continued to turn today when Hamburglar, Ronald McDonald’s masked friend with the shady past and penchant for the clown’s famous burgers, was arrested at the Bangor Mall after exiting Yankee Candle.
It was a slow day at the Mall due to the frigid Winter temperatures, but some children were still on hand to witness another icon being led away in handcuffs. While it was originally reported that the little burger fiend had been collared for shoplifting in the candle shop, this Modern Philosopher cracked the case and discovered that he actually had been arrested for violating his parole.
“Mr. Burglar was at the mall with one Mayor McCheese,” reported Lt. Lonnie Vega of the Bangor Police Department. “This is a clear violation of the terms of his parole. He is not allowed to associate with any known criminals, nor is he allowed to be anywhere near hamburgers until a judge rules otherwise.”
“My client was just catching up with an old friend,” insisted Cy Brown, Hamburglar’s longtime attorney. “Sure, Mayor McCheese is a giant cheeseburger with arms, legs, and a body, but he is also one of Hamburglar’s oldest and closest friends. To lock him up while he’s trying to get his life in order and surround himself with people who care about him is, quite simply, a travesty of justice and a mockery of the system.”
This Modern Philosopher, who happens to have a soft spot for Quarter Pounders and McDonald’s Fries, was curious as to why Bangor Police would bother with such a trifle matter on a day when temperatures approached -25 degrees with the wind chill. Wouldn’t it have easier to let this slide and just stay toasty at the well-heated station house? My Toga Senses were tingling and I knew I had to get to the bottom of this.
After some serious digging and turning on the charm (The Girl Who Shares Her Fries With Me always rolls her eyes when I use the charm on someone other than her, but it really does help at times!), I was able to discover that the police had received an anonymous tip about the parole violation from a phone with a blocked number.
I turned over this information to my Alien friends, the IT magicians, and they revealed that the phone was registered to one B. King. It didn’t take much Deep Thinking to deduce that the “B” stood for “The Competition” aka someone who wouldn’t mind seeing two of Ronald McDonald’s friends caught up in an embarrassing scandal.
My calls to the Burger King’s castle went unanswered, and the drawbridge was up when I drove past (one does not ever want to risk an attempt at wading through that moat!), but I promise to keep after this story until I get a comment from His Highness.
At this point, Cy Brown has been unable to convince a judge to set bail, so Hamburglar will spent the night at Penobscot County Jail. Attempts to organize a candlelight protest outside the jail were thwarted by high winds and subzero temperatures, but friends of the little masked man (and there are many!) vowed to find a way to set him free. They also promised to boycott Burger King for the foreseeable future.
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Do you believe the Burger King is behind the arrest? Do you think the police are splitting hairs by calling this a parole violation? Are you so numb to celebrity scandal at this point that you no longer care? What message do you have for Hamburglar as he spends this frigid night inside his tiny cell?
I look forward to reading your comments, and if anyone is out and about in the area, could you pick me up a Quarter Pounder with Cheese Meal? I’m really craving the clown’s classic combo right now, but it’s way too cold for me to go outside and get it for myself…