Maine Thermometers Ordered To Go To Counseling For Being So Damn Negative

thermometer 2In a stunning move and a ridiculous misuse of his power, Maine Governor Paul LePage announced that all thermometers in the state had to attend mandatory counseling sessions to address their constant negativity.

“Thermometers need to learn that their attitudes affect the good people of Maine,” LePage stated in a news conference attended only by homeless people looking to get in out of the subzero temperatures.  “If they don’t stop being so negative, they will be replaced.”

Maine has been suffering through a ridiculous cold spell this week with temperatures approaching -35 degrees with the wind chill.  As I type this, it is -7 degrees and I am wearing my warmest fur lined toga.  It is not supposed to warm up again until April.

As is the norm, there has been serious outrage over the words coming out of the Governor’s mouth.  Joey Mercury, the President of the Thermometer Union told this Modern Philosopher, “Clearly, the Governor is off his meds if he thinks this cold snap is the fault of thermometers.  We just report the temperature.  We don’t make it this cold.”

Governor LePage countered, “That’s a boldface lie.  It’s cold outside because the thermometers decide what the temperature is going to be.  They can’t fool me and I won’t cave to this union extortion!”

Sigh.  I don’t know how that clown got elected, but at least he’s making it much easier for whoever decides to run against him in the next election.

So what do you think, Modern Philosophers?  How are you dealing with the cold?  Has the mercury risen about zero where you live?  Do you blame the thermometers for the cold snap?  Does anyone living in a warm climate have a guest room and a willingness to harbor a fugitive from the bitter Maine Winter for a few months?

I look forward to reading your comments.  I might then print them out and burn them to stay warm, so please send as many as possible.  Brrrrrr!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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70 Responses to Maine Thermometers Ordered To Go To Counseling For Being So Damn Negative

  1. paulheels says:

    It’s been in the low 30’s at night the past few days. A nice change from two weeks ago when we were in the eighties.

  2. Maryanne says:

    Yikes, the worst thing about beautiful Maine is how cold it gets in the winter, but it sure is one of my favorite states in the summer! Here in NJ we’re below freezing for several days. Won’t get better until possibly Sunday.

  3. Mike says:

    Reblogged this on This Got My Attention and commented:
    It has been plenty cold here in Southern Wisconsin the last few days, -7 two days ago, this morning 0 with a windchill of -14. It’s not just the thermometer that needs a head examination.

  4. jaklumen says:

    *shrug* Is Vince Clarke at The Cabin?

  5. Typical politician. Maybe you SHOULD invite the prettier witches to the Witch Olympics to help warm up the place. 🙂 Having a special on “cold” poetry at…!

  6. syrbal says:

    We are a bit warmer here on the wet side of Washington State this week; last week was 20s and freezing fog. But now in the 30s…almost balmy and the rain washed the crap out of the air. I’d actually like some snow to brighten the landscape.

  7. mudlips says:

    I wonder what it’s like having a real winter – wonder but don’t necessarily want. Here, in the Pacific NW, we really have only two seasons: Moldy and Mossy. It got below typical Moldy temperatures last week but that was a fluke and tropical compared to what the thermometers are dishing out for you. Hope that’s yak fur lining your toga!

  8. filbio says:

    Hey, it’s 21 here in NYC. A heatwave! Will be nice and cozy warm in the casinos I’ll be at in Atlantic City this weekend!

  9. Joey’s right. Thermometers don’t make it cold. Weathermen do. It’s cold here, too (boo), but last night it snowed (yay!). Do they sell fur-lined togas in Maine, or did you have to order that online?

  10. Someone needs to attach a thermometer that’s broken at -30 to that guy’s man parts just to test his theory… If for no other reason than to scare him. I’m okay with fear tactics on the stupid. It’s often the only way to get them to respond to anything. 😡

  11. Kylie says:

    This is great. It reads like a spoof of a news release.

  12. Pingback: Finally a little Frost « peregrination

  13. wedelmom says:

    I just nominated you for The Versatile Blogger Award. Check out the details here: Thanks for the daily dose of laughter!

    • Thank you so much! You are very worthy of the honor. I’m just a silly guy sharing silly thoughts, but thanks for nominating me. 🙂

      • wedelmom says:

        You are most welcome. When one finds a good blog one should spread the word. I’m just doing my “blogging duty”. 🙂 You sir – are a writer. I am just a neurotic mom who needed an outlet.

      • Hey, anyone who writes is a writer! Don’t sell yourself short. Keep writing and getting your work out there. Thanks again for the kind words… Austin

  14. samantha045 says:

    Thermometers do the darndest things!

  15. samantha045 says:

    Apparently not! Mind sending those counselors over to Ithaca for a bit?

  16. soad88 says:

    so i guess this is a bad time to mention it reached 70 F yesterday night……….. I slept with the covers off……ha ha ha Have fun shoveling the new snow fall ha ha ha. I am so rubbing it in right now.

  17. El Guapo says:

    Nice thing about NYC is I’m not dressed warm enough for walking to the subway, and then dressed way too heavily the second I get on the train.
    But I got my revenge today by giving them all the flu, so…

  18. debcorreia says:

    We’re feeling your pain in NH. BTW…thanks for stopping by my blog. 🙂

  19. debcorreia says:

    Toasty is good, but I suspect there will be some slice of Summer that will be as extreme as this block of winter. 😉

  20. elisapompili says:

    Grew up in Western New York with more Lake Effect Snow than we could keep up with. Back then, I hated the winter! The grayness and chill-to-the-bone days never ended! Now I live in North Carolina, where they get out their plow for a 1/2 inch of slush… now, the few cold days a year are extremely refreshing. I prefer my current relationship with the cold… I only have to deal with a few days/weeks a year, then it can go back where it came from!

  21. elisapompili says:

    Good luck with that! 😉

  22. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    Given that it is 12 below zero, with a wind chill of 30 below this morning in Maine, I thought I’d share this one again. Stay warm, Modern Philosophers!

  23. Jessie says:

    Please don’t throw snowballs at me but I love a good stretch of this weather! Winter just like it’s supposed to be! -25 windchills this morning snow this afternoon – Yay!

  24. I think humor warms us up – right? Are you feeling warm yet? It’s ‘up’ to 16 here in MA today. I’m trying to laugh – to warm up my frozen extremities. 🙂

  25. Diana says:

    Eep! It’s a balmy 28 degrees here in NOLA, and that’s cold enough!

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