In a stunning move and a ridiculous misuse of his power, Maine Governor Paul LePage announced that all thermometers in the state had to attend mandatory counseling sessions to address their constant negativity.
“Thermometers need to learn that their attitudes affect the good people of Maine,” LePage stated in a news conference attended only by homeless people looking to get in out of the subzero temperatures. “If they don’t stop being so negative, they will be replaced.”
Maine has been suffering through a ridiculous cold spell this week with temperatures approaching -35 degrees with the wind chill. As I type this, it is -7 degrees and I am wearing my warmest fur lined toga. It is not supposed to warm up again until April.
As is the norm, there has been serious outrage over the words coming out of the Governor’s mouth. Joey Mercury, the President of the Thermometer Union told this Modern Philosopher, “Clearly, the Governor is off his meds if he thinks this cold snap is the fault of thermometers. We just report the temperature. We don’t make it this cold.”
Governor LePage countered, “That’s a boldface lie. It’s cold outside because the thermometers decide what the temperature is going to be. They can’t fool me and I won’t cave to this union extortion!”
Sigh. I don’t know how that clown got elected, but at least he’s making it much easier for whoever decides to run against him in the next election.
So what do you think, Modern Philosophers? How are you dealing with the cold? Has the mercury risen about zero where you live? Do you blame the thermometers for the cold snap? Does anyone living in a warm climate have a guest room and a willingness to harbor a fugitive from the bitter Maine Winter for a few months?
I look forward to reading your comments. I might then print them out and burn them to stay warm, so please send as many as possible. Brrrrrr!