Stephen King To Pay For Retractable Dome To Protect Maine from Winter

domeThe Master of Nightmares has become the Granter of Dreams, Modern Philosophers!

As Maine suffers through its coldest Winter since the dawn of time, the state’s most famous resident has decided to step up and finally do something about it.  Stephen King has agreed to provide the money to finance the construction of a giant retractable done to cover the entire state.  Construction of what fans are calling “The King Dome” is scheduled to begin on April 1.

Some are calling this a publicity stunt for the author’s 2009 novel “Under the Dome”, but King’s publicist insists that can’t be further from the truth.  “Stephen is just tired of waking up every day to find his yard buried in snow, the pipes in the house frozen, or the air too frigid to breathe,” explained Regina Stefano.  “He usually writes fifteen books every Winter, but he’s only written three so far this year because the weather has so bothered his creative process.  He also knows that his neighbors are getting tired of the cold and snow, so he’s decided to take care of the problem.”

This Modern Philosopher drove over to his famous neighbor’s house to get a comment  (The House on the Hill is about two miles from Mr. King’s mansion), but Uncle Stevie (as Mainers like to call him) had just left for the airport on his way to Florida so he could write two new novels over the weekend.

Old BlizzardMood on the street is somber and angry, but that’s because everyone is so damn cold.  The mood inside the local pub was much more jovial as locals celebrated the announcement and toasted the construction of the dome.  Not only will the dome bring more comfortable Winters to Maine, but it will also create thousands of jobs.  While Alien technology will be used in the process, King insisted that 80% of the beings employed to build the dome be humans.

Another nice benefit of the dome is that it will offer excellent protection in the event that Maine ever comes under a nuclear attack, or when the Robot Apocalypse begins.

Of course, there are some detractors.  The main opponents to the plan are snow shovel manufacturers and kids who charge $20 to shovel your sidewalk.   Regina Stefano addressed these folks when she sat down with me.  “Remember, the dome is going to be retractable.  Snow can be let in at any time.  There will always be plenty around to keep the ski slopes busy and provide building materials for obese Snowmen.  The beauty of the dome is that once there’s enough snow, we can close up shop and keep the rest of the blizzard outside.  People are going to love the climate control options as well.”

Count me among those who absolutely love this idea.  I have friends who still ask me if Maine has indoor plumbing and paved roads.  Now we’re going to be the only state in the Union with its own dome!  Who cares if we have dirt roads and use outhouses.  Check out our dome, haters!

snowmanWhat do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Are you jealous of our dome?  Do you think every state should dome it up, or do you prefer to keep it old school and stay outdoors?  What has your state’s most famous  resident done for you lately?

I’m going to crank up the heat and then start planning on how I’m going to spend the money I’ll save on heating oil…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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42 Responses to Stephen King To Pay For Retractable Dome To Protect Maine from Winter

  1. Kylie says:

    I was scrolling the Humor section in the Reader, depressed because none of it was funny. And then I got a notification that there was a New Post. And this was it. And I read it. And I was amused.

    It must be really cold there. Drastic measures must be taken.

  2. El Guapo says:

    It’ll be a boondoggle with cost overruns, not to mention the Moose lobby.
    In the end, the only ones who will benefit are the trucking industry who will now be called on to provide “the good, natural stuff” for sno-cone parties.

  3. I just cranked up the heat (literally) before reading this. I love the name Regina Stefano. Very clever!

  4. Katrina says:

    clever 😉

  5. Nice to see Nikola Tesla’s work hasn’t been entirely forgotten (his force field dome of energy, initially envisioned to protect a city from attack). Now, if we could just get on in Australia to protect people from disgustingly hot summers….

  6. bussokuseki says:

    I remember when I used to live in Waterville and they actually did talk about putting a dome over downtown…

  7. magpieprints says:

    Excellently hilarious. Almost believed it, in a creepy way. Very well done. He doesn’t really write that many novels does he? In a way, that was the funniest part for me.

  8. jrosenberry1 says:

    I *so* look forward to your posts! Thanks for keeping us laughing …. we all need it!

  9. Too much fun! My husband’s always going on about how they’ll be building a dome soon over the Seattle area. It rains a bit much here, you know. 🙂 He’s dead serious, but I think we’ll all be dead before they’ll ever fund that one.
    I suppose if it was freezing blizzards and stacks of snow the need might be more urgent. But Mainely I wonder what the wildlife would think of it all. Perhaps they’d be as happy to have warm hooves as you would to have warm toes? Maybe they’d start rutting twice a year!
    Thanks for leaving a ‘like’ on my blog today…so glad it led me to yours!

    • Thanks for visiting. The dome is retractable, and would only really be closed in the winter during the worst of times. The animals should be fine. I enjoyed visiting your blog as well… 🙂

  10. LMAO…love it. We considered a dome for Houston (like the Astrodome but BIGGER), but people feared it would keep the mosquitos out and they are a major protein source (particularly among motorcyclists).
    Sadly our most (in)famous resident seems to be our governor, Perry, although hopefully his star will dim (to match his intellect) now that his political aspirations have been squelched.

    • Austin says:

      Our Governor is an idiot, but he was smart enough not to turn down free money and a dome from his most famous resident! Glad you liked the post. 🙂

  11. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    Mr. King’s decision is perfectly times, coming on a morning when it is -17 degrees in Maine. God Bless Stephen King!

  12. Life in a dome? I keep thinking of the Truman show.

  13. Were your aliens previously employed in Dubai?

  14. Uncle Stevie puts up with frozen pipes in his own house, but he’s going to put up a dome for all of Maine? Cheaper to buy a better house, don’t ya think? That’s what I’d do. Save some money too.
    😀 😀 😀

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