Darth Vader Arrested After Being Denied Employee Discount at Disneyland

Darth VaderThe Happiest Place on Earth has felt the wrath of the Dark Side of the Force.  Luckily, the only Stormtroopers on hand were members of the LAPD, and the newest Death Star is not yet operational.  So, Disneyland will not be suffering the fate of Alderaan…at least not for now.

Reports are still coming in at this hour, but what this Modern Philosopher has been able to piece together is that Darth Vader, aka Anakin Skywalker (the LAPD insisted on using that name in its report on the incident), arrived at the park, asked for an Employee Discount, and was denied.  Not happy with the customer service he was receiving, Lord Vader made a bit of a scene.  When Park Security arrived to escort the Sith Lord from the premises, Vader simply “lost it” in a manner that so few can…

“The dude musta been on bath salts,” declared Ramon Dominguez, one of the guards injured in the assault.  “He just lifted me up of the ground with one arm and then tossed me like twenty feet against a wall.  I ain’t no tiny guy, you know?”

Mr. Dominguez is 6’1″ and 350lbs.

“He almost choked Paco to death,” he continued, “and maybe it’s my concussion and all, but I’d swear he didn’t even put his hand around Paco’s neck.  He just held it out there and made crushy movements with it.  Paco was then like clutching his throat and turning all blue and stuff.  It was loco!”

Vader MouseLAPD Officers arrived on the scene just as the suspect was upping the ante.  “He pulled out this shiny thing that looked like a flashlight,” explained out of work actor Paul Randolph, who moonlights as Goofy at the park.  “He pushed a button,  there was this gnarly ‘whoosh’ sound, and then this bright red light came out of the flashlight.  It looked like a laser, and must’ve been because with one swing of it he sliced open the front of the ticket booth.  It was really scary and I pissed my Goofy suit.”

Vader’s back was turned when the lead officer shot him with his taser gun.  The Dark Lord crumbled to the ground, dropped his light saber, and was set upon by a half dozen officers who kicked him and beat him with batons until they became too tired to continue.

“They got lucky,” Vader would tell me later via phone from his lawyer’s office.  “Had I not had my back turned, I would’ve dispatched of them as if they were Ewoks.  As it were, the pulse from the taser weapon shorted a circuit in my breathing apparatus.  So, essentially, they Rodney Kinged a crippled old man who was unable to breathe or fight back.  I will own the Los Angeles Police Department once this is over!”

Some people might think that Vader’s taking over and privatizing the department with his personal Stormtroopers might not be a bad idea.

Disneyland-ResortI had a chance to speak to Jimmy Boyd, the USC Freshman who works the ticket booth, and was the employee who turned down Darth Vader’s request.  “Dude, all I know is that my ass is on the line if I break park regulations.  The rules clearly state that if someone wants an Employee Discount, they gotta present their Disney ID, which I then have to scan and add to the receipt so that my boss sees I’m not skimming.  Sure, the dude looked familiar, and I kinda remember hearing Disney had bought his company, but he didn’t have Disney ID so I wasn’t gonna give him no discount.  Just doing my job, bro.”

Of course, the last fair haired teen that stood up to Darth Vader is now considered a cultural icon, so why shouldn’t young Jimmy Boyd get his place in history next to Luke Skywalker?

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Should Disney have a more lenient policy when it comes to Employee Discounts?  Aren’t those amusement parks ridiculously overpriced as it is?  Ever wish you could lash out like Darth Vader did when you’ve gotten frustrated with the customer service you’ve received?

I look forward to reading your comments on this.  See you real soon and May the Force Be With You…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

58 Responses to Darth Vader Arrested After Being Denied Employee Discount at Disneyland

  1. she who has no filter says:

    funny. as. fuck.

  2. Darth is going to get hot standing in all the long lines in his “Vader” costume, with people begging for his autograph, so he should be given an employee discount. It’s only fair. Visitors are naturally going to think he is part of the show anyway (and the kids are going to thoroughly enjoy his presence). Giving Darth an employeed discount, or even a free pass, would have saved everyone a lot of grief……AND Goofy wouldn’t be spending half of his minimum wage paycheck now–at the dry cleaner.

    • Maybe you should apply for a job at Disney and take over the running of their theme parks! I like the way you think. Poor Darth is just trying to mellow out and relax, and like you said, he’s probably sweating his R2s off in that outfit of his… 🙂

      • Maybe I should. When I go to job interviews, I am told that my degree in Philosophy is a great qualification for minimum wage job! ;(

      • All you can do is wear your best toga, smile, and present yourself in the best way, right? 😀

      • Oh no. Imagine how disastrous it would be to put a philosopher in charge of the complaint department. job.
        Someone like Darth would come in yelling about how unhappy is, and the philosopher would calmly say:
        “Mr. Vader. First we must define what the true source happiness is. You see, what makes one person happy makes another unhappy, so it is important to know….”
        AND THEN, the philospher would be unceremoniously tossed at laser-light speed to the other side of the theme park, to ponder the definition of justice and the lack of love (whatever love is) in the world.

      • And, truth be known, it makes me unhappy that I cannot edit my posts after the fact, when I see blatant errors and omissions in typing. Hmmmm….there appears to be a little Vader in me.

      • You’re fine. We all make typos. 🙂

    • I think putting a philosopher in charge of customer complaints would be perfect. People would really think before complaining again and having to sit down with someone in a toga for a philosophical debate on customer service pros and cons… 🙂

      • John says:

        I handle customer complaints at work and they always leave confused and guitly looking. Got a BA, Mlitt and MPhil in Philosophy, think it’s great for customer service, talk an outraged customer into the deepest recesses pull them back out, set the world to rights and let them be on their way. I feel like it’s what I was trained for. The force is strong with philosophers: “…This is not the complaint you meant to make.”

      • Austin says:

        You are very wise. Still, I’d advise you to give Darth Vader anything he requests… 😀

      • John says:

        Yep when Vader turns up the wise thing to do is pretty much anything he wants. At least until you get a chance to run for the hills 😛

  3. Let this be a lesson to all of us on the dangers of bath salts.

  4. Poor Darthy… Never getting the respect he chokes for.

  5. Freekin’ funny. Funny isn’t a strong enough word… how about… cupcakes!

  6. He should’ve had his ID. I mean, if we let him in without it, others will want to be let in without it … it’ll be anarchy.

    • I don’t think everyone in the Star Wars universe has had time to pick up Disney IDs yet. They’re all over the galaxy, you know? But how the heck do you not recognize Darth Vader????????? I blame the teachers…

  7. soad88 says:

    leave Vadar alone!!! he may have some issues but at least he can work a cloak.

  8. Pingback: Woo Hoo! | Blog It or Lose It!

  9. jrosenberry1 says:

    I’m pretty sure you already have one of these, and it’s probably cheating anyway, BUT …
    “Hello there! I have nominated you for the VERY INSPIRING BLOGGER AWARD. I understand how time-consuming it can be to accept these awards (!) but wanted you to know that your blog has inspired me. CONGRATULATIONS, and all the best to you. Jen

    In the words of Harry Potter, “mischief managed”.

  10. GreedyFrog says:

    I am so glad I found your blog! 😀

  11. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    In honor of Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you…), I thought I’d re-post this article from January. Id you don’t read it, the Dark Side wins! 🙂

  12. EagleAye says:

    It seems the force is strong with that clerk.

  13. ksbeth says:

    there is always a bit of an ‘adjustment period’ when 2 large families merge. the brady bunch was an early example of this phenomenon, and now darth and his kin have been asked, through no choice of their own, to bunk up with cinderella and chip and dale and the rest of the lot. not surprising there have already been some bumps along the way.

    • Austin says:

      I think Darth Vader should go to live with the Brady Bunch. That would make for many comical situations… 🙂

      • ksbeth says:

        agree, as long as alice is there to handle things

      • Austin says:

        I almost think it would be a great plot point to have Vader take over for Alice. Imagine all the fun he could have trying to keep those kids in line!

      • ksbeth says:

        yes, and he would be in charge of transporting all the kids to their myriad of dumb activities. p.s. – would he manage ‘the silver platters’ band? and would he be ‘involved’ with sam the butcher?

      • Austin says:

        Bobby, I am your father… 🙂

      • ksbeth says:

        thought of that because mike was gay so darth prob could have been the donor.

      • Austin says:

        Would make for a very interesting show. Instead of annoying cousin Oliver, they could have Ewoks come to live with the family… 🙂

      • ksbeth says:

        i totally had written oliver off from my memory banks as a way of coping, but what about jar jar as babysitter, storm trooper meetings instead of scouts, possibilities are endless…. (the vader bunch?)

      • Austin says:

        Perhaps we should start working on a pilot. When are you available? 😀

      • ksbeth says:

        well, by my insanely optimistic best guess-timate, i’d say i’ll be lurking around this earth for 45 more years-ish or so, so i’ve got time to write.

        p.s. perhaps ‘that vader bunch!’ sounds more whimsical and wacky, and an easier sell to the mainstream. could also be made into an off-off-off broadway live musical production. featuring songs like, ‘darth, i hear you calling,’ (when he’s trying to round up the kids playing outside for dinner), and so on –

    • Austin says:

      You sound like you have the pilot under control. so I’ll leave it to you to write. If you need my help, just let me know.. 🙂

  14. Definitely wish I had those powers to get through to customer service on occasion…but once you go to the dark side….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s