The Happiest Place on Earth has felt the wrath of the Dark Side of the Force. Luckily, the only Stormtroopers on hand were members of the LAPD, and the newest Death Star is not yet operational. So, Disneyland will not be suffering the fate of Alderaan…at least not for now.
Reports are still coming in at this hour, but what this Modern Philosopher has been able to piece together is that Darth Vader, aka Anakin Skywalker (the LAPD insisted on using that name in its report on the incident), arrived at the park, asked for an Employee Discount, and was denied. Not happy with the customer service he was receiving, Lord Vader made a bit of a scene. When Park Security arrived to escort the Sith Lord from the premises, Vader simply “lost it” in a manner that so few can…
“The dude musta been on bath salts,” declared Ramon Dominguez, one of the guards injured in the assault. “He just lifted me up of the ground with one arm and then tossed me like twenty feet against a wall. I ain’t no tiny guy, you know?”
Mr. Dominguez is 6’1″ and 350lbs.
“He almost choked Paco to death,” he continued, “and maybe it’s my concussion and all, but I’d swear he didn’t even put his hand around Paco’s neck. He just held it out there and made crushy movements with it. Paco was then like clutching his throat and turning all blue and stuff. It was loco!”
LAPD Officers arrived on the scene just as the suspect was upping the ante. “He pulled out this shiny thing that looked like a flashlight,” explained out of work actor Paul Randolph, who moonlights as Goofy at the park. “He pushed a button, there was this gnarly ‘whoosh’ sound, and then this bright red light came out of the flashlight. It looked like a laser, and must’ve been because with one swing of it he sliced open the front of the ticket booth. It was really scary and I pissed my Goofy suit.”
Vader’s back was turned when the lead officer shot him with his taser gun. The Dark Lord crumbled to the ground, dropped his light saber, and was set upon by a half dozen officers who kicked him and beat him with batons until they became too tired to continue.
“They got lucky,” Vader would tell me later via phone from his lawyer’s office. “Had I not had my back turned, I would’ve dispatched of them as if they were Ewoks. As it were, the pulse from the taser weapon shorted a circuit in my breathing apparatus. So, essentially, they Rodney Kinged a crippled old man who was unable to breathe or fight back. I will own the Los Angeles Police Department once this is over!”
Some people might think that Vader’s taking over and privatizing the department with his personal Stormtroopers might not be a bad idea.
I had a chance to speak to Jimmy Boyd, the USC Freshman who works the ticket booth, and was the employee who turned down Darth Vader’s request. “Dude, all I know is that my ass is on the line if I break park regulations. The rules clearly state that if someone wants an Employee Discount, they gotta present their Disney ID, which I then have to scan and add to the receipt so that my boss sees I’m not skimming. Sure, the dude looked familiar, and I kinda remember hearing Disney had bought his company, but he didn’t have Disney ID so I wasn’t gonna give him no discount. Just doing my job, bro.”
Of course, the last fair haired teen that stood up to Darth Vader is now considered a cultural icon, so why shouldn’t young Jimmy Boyd get his place in history next to Luke Skywalker?
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Should Disney have a more lenient policy when it comes to Employee Discounts? Aren’t those amusement parks ridiculously overpriced as it is? Ever wish you could lash out like Darth Vader did when you’ve gotten frustrated with the customer service you’ve received?
I look forward to reading your comments on this. See you real soon and May the Force Be With You…