Man Confesses To Being Serial Killer Of Imaginary Friends

woodsDoug Byron walked into Police Headquarters in Downtown Bangor and confessed to eight murders over the past two years.  He then led police to eight shallow graves in the woods near Milford, and turned over journals that detailed how he chose, stalked, and murdered his victims.

Now the police don’t know what to do with the man…because the people he confessed to murdering were his imaginary friends.

“This is weird even for Maine,” Police Chief Lou Foster confessed.  “I mean, he’s so sure he committed a crime, but he hasn’t.  He led us to eight graves in the woods, but all he’d done was dig a big hole and then refilled it.  The journals are packed with grisly details, and I probably won’t sleep for a week, but they’re just works of fiction.”

Cue the literary agents.  Word got out about the journals and the wild stories Byron was telling, and the agents came looking to sign him to a book deal.  “Darling, this is fabulous and will rocket up the Times bestseller list,” cooed CeCe Lansing of some haughty agency from New York.  “We could publish them as is, maybe add a forward from Stephen King, and then sell them as an eight book set.  Hollywood will be dying to buy the rights.  This is pure gold!”

The police tried to have Byron committed to Acadia Hospital, the local mental health facility, but they refused to admit him.  “He’s just too dangerous for us,” said a hospital spokesman, who refused to allow me to use his name.  “Do you know how many of our current patients have imaginary friends?  We don’t have enough staff to protect all of them from him.  He belongs in jail where armed guards can watch him.”

Now the activists are getting involved.  This Modern Philosopher was visited by Hillary LeClerque, the President of The Society Protecting Imaginary Persons (SPIP), and she was outraged at how this case was being handled.  “Why is no one taking this case seriously?” she demanded.  “Eight persons of an imaginary nature have been murdered and no one seems to care.  They’re talking about allowing that monster to run free and then profit from his crimes with books and movies.  This is an outrage!  SPIP will not stand for this!”

Miss LeClerque then consulted with her imaginary colleagues for a good fifteen minutes, and in the end, they were apparently all in agreement that they needed to organize a candlelight vigil at the grave sites.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Have you ever had an imaginary friend suddenly go missing?  Did you think you’d just outgrown that friend, or that the friend had gotten bored with you?  What do you think should be done with this Byron fellow?

I look forward to reading your replies.   Please feel free to submit comments from your imaginary friends as well because I’d love to know what they think…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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56 Responses to Man Confesses To Being Serial Killer Of Imaginary Friends

  1. List of X says:

    I think we have a suspect in the case of the mysterious death of Manti Te’o imaginary girlfriend.

  2. Ashana M says:

    Word to the wise: lock your doors and keep a close eye on your imaginary companions.

  3. It’s ridiculous that no one has ever asked the right questions about what was happening to all those imaginary friends who were there one day, and gone the next. Hellllloooooo….

  4. Phoenix says:

    I don’t recall having imaginary friends as a kid, but I do enjoy talking to myself. I especially like saying things like, “Kassie, you complete bonehead!” when I forget crucial things, like, my wallet when walking in the middle of a grocery store. 🙂

    As for Byron, let’s give the man a round of applause. Sounds like he’s still stuck in imaginary land. It’s funny how, as kids, we’re given creative leeway to use our imagination but as adults we’re considered criminally insane. Just saying! 😉

  5. Ingrid says:

    I blame Manti Te’o for starting this awful trend.

  6. Monica says:

    “Weird even for Maine”? I thought those Mainites (?) were quietly quirky. Unlike Brooklyn, where quirkiness is more in your face. Go, go, go, moviewriter.

  7. How do you come up with these? What an incredibly clever idea!

    • Like I tell anyone else who asks, I just report the news. This stuff really happens up here in Maine, and I simply freelance and cover the events. When the local newspaper won’t pay me for the story, I just publish it on the blog. 😀

  8. mudlips says:

    I guess the frigid temps and howling winds drove him to confess. Musta been challenging to investigate those graves in the frozen substrate. I don’t envy the Bangor police having to be outside. That dome can’t be built soon enough!

  9. petronmb says:

    Well, I think an ankle band and daily reporting to the local police headquarters to begin with . . .

  10. Lucky Wreck says:

    Hahaha! Brilliant idea for a story! Brilliant! 🙂

  11. O, the chapters we could write to go along with this story. I dig it. 😉 -Luke

  12. reocochran says:

    Really thought this was a more serious topic that should be covered again with more details. My imaginary friends are much too dear to kill off…they are quite concerned!

  13. L. Rowan McKnight says:

    What a tragedy. I hope they find some help for the poor man. My friend Eunice (careful, don’t sit on her!) really hopes he never comes to Oregon

  14. Imaginary friend? What an insult! These people are real; only some other people don’t have the intelligence to see them.

  15. Shards Of DuBois says:

    she’s in the kitchen, so I have to be quick….Joe, Byron’s first imaginary friend is my uncle, and he told me Byron didn’t bury them, they are all locked in his basement. He only let Joe out so he could ruffle the leaves at the site in the woods. Of course he came straight to the bar, and we had a couple, laughin our heads off cause it was windy, and Byron would never know….oh, gotta go, she’s comin back…………………

  16. creeped says:

    I was too logical to have imaginary friends. I often considered to pretend to have imaginary friends to make my younger sister jealous, but it was easier just to ignore her.

  17. Pingback: This, That, and the Other « Jo of all trades

  18. GreedyFrog says:

    Great post, I love it!

  19. stanito says:

    Loooved it 😀 !
    I never had imaginary friends, but the ones who are sitting next to me now are cracking laughing about this like me.
    I like the opinion of Ms Le Clerque “Eight persons of an imaginary nature have been murdered” just awesome.

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