In a move that stunned many and disgusted countless more, The Girl Scouts today announced that this will be the last year they sell their famous cookies. With an eye on promoting healthier living and a better diet, the group has decided to sell boxes of Liver & Onions instead.
Say goodbye to Samoas, Thin Mints, Taglongs, and Lemonades. Say hello to the one meal you had nightmares about as a child…now served to you ready made in a cardboard box.
This Modern Philosopher was so unhinged by the announcement that I actually had to walk out of the press conference and vomit. I am not proud of that fact, but my job is to report the news, so there you have it.
According to the press release, the change is being made because the organization is supposed to prepare girls for life as women. Leaders began to question what sort of message they were sending by telling the girls to go out and sell as many boxes of cookies as possible to people who needed a push towards the gym rather than one to their next sugar high.
My sources within the Girl Scouts, however, were willing to break the green wall of silence to ensure that the truth got out to a confused public. “It was the Livertarians,” one source told me. “They’ve been making large donations to the organization at a time when other benefactors were pulling back or disappearing altogether. They now have the ear of Leadership, and they are pushing their Pro-Liver agenda.”
As I’ve reported previously, The Livertarians are intent on making Liver the “next big thing”. They tried marketing it over the holidays as a cheap replacement for Turkey and Ham as the traditional Christmas feast. They are constantly going into poor communities and offering free meals of Liver & Onions to the destitute in hopes of getting them hooked on their product.
And now they’re trying to weasel their way into our hearts via the little princesses in the green uniforms! How dare they!
My sources had more damning information to share. “Don’t believe everything you hear about this being a vote for a healthier life. The Leaders know this is going to be a boon to this year’s cookie sales. There are Girl Scouts working double shifts in the factories just to keep up with the projections the Cookie Nerds have made for how sales will jump after the announcement.”
How devious. And who are the Cookie Nerds? “The Cookie Nerds are the consultants brought in to maximize cookie sales. Not only do they expect this year’s sales to skyrocket, but they also expect to make even more money next year with the Liver & Onions. Why do they think that? Because the Livertarians are donating every last bit of product. Every box that we sell will be pure profit. Plus, there was a sizable “donation” made by the Livertarians for the right to make Liver & Onions the official meal of The Girl Scouts.”
That was all I could take of the conversation. I apologize if this post is choppy and poorly written, but it was a struggle to control my anger and hold down my stomach contents.
Why do horrible things like this happen to good people like those of us who crave those colorful boxes of yummy cookie goodness?
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Are you ready to rise up and declare war on The Livertarians? How many boxes of Girl Scout Cookies are you going to buy now to stock up against the Liverpocalypse? What is your favorite kind of Girl Scout Cookie?
Again, I apologize for the less than stellar report I’m submitting, but I guess I’m just too close to the subject. I hope you will forgive me. I’m off to find some cookies…