Girls Scouts Decide To Sell Liver And Onions Rather Than Cookies

cookie saleIt just got a whole lot easier to say “No!” to that annoying coworker who’s always trying to get you to buy Girl Scout Cookies…

In a move that stunned many and disgusted countless more, The Girl Scouts today announced that this will be the last year they sell their famous cookies.  With an eye on promoting healthier living and a better diet, the group has decided to sell boxes of Liver & Onions instead.

Say goodbye to Samoas, Thin Mints, Taglongs, and Lemonades.  Say hello to the one meal you had nightmares about as a child…now served to you ready made in a cardboard box.

This Modern Philosopher was so unhinged by the announcement that I actually had to walk out of the press conference and vomit.  I am not proud of that fact, but my job is to report the news, so there you have it.

CookiesAccording to the press release, the change is being made because the organization is supposed to prepare girls for life as women.   Leaders began to question what sort of message they were sending by telling the girls to go out and sell as many boxes of cookies as possible to people who needed a push towards the gym rather than one to their next sugar high.

My sources within the Girl Scouts, however, were willing to break the green wall of silence to ensure that the truth got out to a confused public.  “It was the Livertarians,” one source told me.  “They’ve been making large donations to the organization at a time when other benefactors were pulling back or disappearing altogether.  They now have the ear of Leadership, and they are pushing their Pro-Liver agenda.”

liverAs I’ve reported previously, The Livertarians are intent on making Liver the “next big thing”.  They tried marketing it over the holidays as a cheap replacement for Turkey and Ham as the traditional Christmas feast.  They are constantly going into poor communities and offering free meals of Liver & Onions to the destitute in hopes of getting them hooked on their product.

And now they’re trying to weasel their way into our hearts via the little princesses in the green uniforms!  How dare they!

gs cookiesMy sources had more damning information to share.  “Don’t believe everything you hear about this being a vote for a healthier life.  The Leaders know this is going to be a boon to this year’s cookie sales.  There are Girl Scouts working double shifts in the factories just to keep up with the projections the Cookie Nerds have made for how sales will jump after the announcement.”

How devious.  And who are the Cookie Nerds?  “The Cookie Nerds are the consultants brought in to maximize cookie sales.  Not only do they expect this year’s sales to skyrocket, but they also expect to make even more money next year with the Liver & Onions.  Why do they think that?  Because the Livertarians are donating every last bit of product.  Every box that we sell will be pure profit.  Plus, there was a sizable “donation” made by the Livertarians for the right to make Liver & Onions the official meal of The Girl Scouts.”

That was all I could take of the conversation.  I apologize if this post is choppy and poorly written, but it was a struggle to control my anger and hold down my stomach contents.

Why do horrible things like this happen to good people like those of us who crave those colorful boxes of yummy cookie goodness?

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Are you ready to rise up and declare war on The Livertarians?  How many boxes of Girl Scout Cookies are you going to buy now to stock up against the Liverpocalypse?  What is your favorite kind of Girl Scout Cookie?

Again, I apologize for the less than stellar report I’m submitting, but I guess I’m just too close to the subject.  I hope you will forgive me.  I’m off to find some cookies…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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51 Responses to Girls Scouts Decide To Sell Liver And Onions Rather Than Cookies

  1. jcmarckx2009 says:

    Gross! Liver is a poo-filter, you know. Nothing healthy about it, damned Livertarians!

  2. Liverpocalypse… scary thought. I have to admit, I did not see that one coming. Down with the Livertarians! Long live the Samoa!

    • I like the way you think. That should earn you a merit badge. Maybe I need to create Modern Philosopher merit badges to adorn our togas! We can sell cookies to help defray the costs…

      • Ahaha I love it! Would these badges be in the form of patches or pins? I’m a fan of patches, myself. Do you think the girl scouts would be willing to sell us their cookie recipes, now that they will no longer be needing them? Togas and golden leafy crowns could be the new face of Somoas and Thin Mints.

      • I’ll have to inquire about this and get back to you… 🙂

  3. momshieb says:

    Once long ago, while pregnant with my first child, a doctor asked me if I needed to see a nutritionist to figure out why I had gained so much weight. I shook my head, and answered with one word: “Samoas”.
    My three darling children owe their very lives to that chocolately goodness! I will never give in to the Livertarians, never!!! Choclocrats, unite! Take back our country! Occupy the Girl Scouts!

  4. Dave Barry, move over. You are much better.

  5. ctperry744 says:

    Wow. The title of this alone started me laughing. As for liver and onions, that is and always will be my least favorite meal. As a child, my mom tried to convince me that if I ate the liver with mashed potatoes, I wouldn’t taste the liver. Please, Mom. Even 8 year olds aren’t that gullible! You just let me know when and where the fight against the Livertarians begins. I’ll be there.

  6. drishism says:

    First Twinkies… Now thin mints. The world really is ending

  7. LifeofMat says:

    Livertarians! LOL! They must be the bane of the Demolongs.

  8. LOL ..this is hilarious.
    .i am so very upset and am going to go order 2 dozen boxes of do si dos . know where to find them and a freezer… i wonder if these are gluten free livertarians..well no matter i’m vegetarian.

  9. List of X says:

    Will the Girl Scouts charge a de-Liver-y fee for serving just the onions?

  10. Where does the protest line begin! I am packed and ready to go. Okay, just send me the Facebook Protest page link!

    p.s.- quietly I say thanks for visiting my blog!

  11. Lara Klein says:

    Thank you very much for interesting posting!

  12. jfreelancer1 says:

    This is the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. My wife had to hit me in the head with a skillet to bring me to my senses. Now I have to take off work for a week because I have a concussion! I’m going to sue you for every last Girl Scout cookie you have stashed away. What’s wrong with liver and onions, anyway? Keep up the good work!

  13. jfreelancer1 says:

    P. S. My favorite GSC are the Savannahs (peanut butter sandwiches), followed by the shortbread ones. Liver and onions is probably cheaper, anyway.

  14. Uh-oh. Good thing I just put in my order!

  15. clairenoden says:

    Over here in the UK, we don’t have such things as Girls Scout Cookies. We have been brought up on liver and onions! It’s cheap, cheerful and full of irony goodness. What are you on about?. We have it at every opportunity…waiting for a bus, football matches, on the golf course and most weddings, bleddy marvelous stuff, what a fantastic idea!!….

  16. I’m British so I’ve never had, or bought, a Girl Scout cookie. I imagine they’re like a normal cookie but they taste sprightlier. I have however had liver and onions, which is even more enjoyable when it’s brought to me by a child labour force and accompanied by a glass of port.

  17. merbear74 says:

    Please tell me this is an early April fools day joke!! No more thin mints?? I am saddened and feel nauseous..

  18. Sonya says:

    I think if this were true, it wouldn’t be the liver and onions that got everyone in an uproar it would be the fact that a group was controlling what Americans ingested and the fact that people fucking love Girl Scout Cookies. It seems at some point they stopped putting crack in them to make them so addicting and while they taste a little different now people still flock to buy those boxes of pure butter and sugar.

  19. David says:

    I’m sure there’s a potential short story here – Girl Scout leadership, consultants, the liver and onions industry. 🙂

    (Thanks for the like on my ‘Winter Rainbow’ post. It’s much appreciated.)

  20. Did you get any info on when the cage-free, gluten-free, calorie-free, organic, vegan, locavore selections will be out?

  21. One thing’s for sure. When I buy my usual half dozen boxes (you really do not want to tick off the girl guides/scouts/brownies–they have UNIFORMS) they won’t be going in the pantry like they usually do…

  22. naomimgruer says:

    My parents threatened us with “no dessert” if we didn’t eat our liver. My brother smothered his in ketchup and gulped it down. I said, “So what? That’s it? No dessert?” I could save my sweet tooth for another night. Years later, my brother is still amazed I had the guts to do it. So, out with the liver and onions and in with the cookies (which my daughter is currently selling.)


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