Maine’s First Annual Hop With Scotch Hopscotch Tournament began…and ended today. Four hundred thirty-seven Mainers (all 21 and over) ponied up the $25 entry fee and then hit the courts, both inside and outside the Bangor Auditorium, to see who would be crowned Maine’s Hopscotch Champion.
A crowd of close to two thousand people showed up to watch the competition, and later added to the pandemonium that led to the police being called and the Auditorium almost being burned to the ground. More on that later.
The idea was that the participants would follow the regular rules of hopscotch, with the only difference being that they constantly had to drink scotch as they did so. As you know, hopscotch can get pretty boring after awhile, but the drinking element did add to the entertainment value for the fans as the players staggered, tumbled, laughed hysterically, hit on each other, told inappropriate jokes, and sang at the top of their lungs. Eventually, even the novelty of that wore off.
Audience members tried to jump into existing games to claim the player’s discount on booze. Fights broke out. Things got broken. The mob rushed the bar and grabbed all the bottles of scotch.
I watched this from my perch in bleachers and shook my head in an “I told you so manner” as I sipped my Snapple and thanked the fates that I do not enjoy hard liquor or playing hopscotch in public.
Even with all the chaos, they managed to continue the tournament. Players either began to pass out, or were disqualified when they vomited. After awhile most of the people left inside the Auditorium were either asleep, passed out, or making out with total strangers. The Designated Drivers had long since grown bored and fled for less chaotic pastures.
That left me, a few diehard fans, and the last of the players. It came down to the three little old ladies pictured on the left, who were eventually forced to move their competition to one of the outdoor hopscotch grids because the Auditorium reeked of vomit, urine, and despair. Turns out that the young ones couldn’t hold their liquor, so it was up to the seniors, with decades of practice cultivating a relationship with scotch, to show the kids how it was done.
The lady showing off her skills in the photo was the eventual winner. Congratulations, Winnie LeCroix of Milford! You are Maine’s first Adult Hopscotch Champion!
Right after Winnie claimed her title, a fire broke out inside the Auditorium as several of the other intoxicated participants had fallen asleep while smoking. Luckily, the Fire Department was prepared for such circumstances, and the fire was put out without anyone getting seriously injured.
There is absolutely no talk of holding a Second Annual Hop With Scotch Hopscotch Tournament, so Winnie will be Maine’s Queen of Hopscotch for the rest of her life. Wear the crown proudly, Winnie!
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Should some games just be left to the kids? Is it stupid to try to turn everything into a drinking game? Why do adults have to go and ruin everything???
I look forward to reading your replies. Congrats again, Winnie…