Maine’s First Hop With Scotch Hopscotch Tournament Ends In Drunken Chaos

HopscotchEven on paper, it didn’t look like a good idea, but they went ahead with it anyway, Modern Philosopher.

Maine’s First Annual Hop With Scotch Hopscotch Tournament began…and ended today.  Four hundred thirty-seven Mainers (all 21 and over) ponied up the $25 entry fee and then hit the courts, both inside and outside the Bangor Auditorium, to see who would be crowned Maine’s Hopscotch Champion.

A crowd of close to two thousand people showed up to watch the competition, and later added to the pandemonium that led to the police being called and the Auditorium almost being burned to the ground.  More on that later.

The idea was that the participants would follow the regular rules of hopscotch, with the only difference being that they constantly had to drink scotch as they did so.  As you know, hopscotch can get pretty boring after awhile, but the drinking element did add to the entertainment value for the fans as the players staggered, tumbled, laughed hysterically, hit on each other, told inappropriate jokes, and sang at the top of their lungs.  Eventually, even the novelty of that wore off.

ScotchThings got ugly when the crowd realized they were paying $7 a shot for their scotch, while the players were getting all they could drink for a one time charge of $25.

Audience members tried to jump into existing games to claim the player’s discount on booze.  Fights broke out.   Things got broken.  The mob rushed the bar and grabbed all the bottles of scotch.

I watched this from my perch in bleachers and shook my head in an “I told you so manner” as I sipped my Snapple and thanked the fates that I do not enjoy hard liquor or playing hopscotch in public.

Even with all the chaos, they managed to continue the tournament.  Players either began to pass out, or were disqualified when they vomited.  After awhile most of the people left inside the Auditorium were either asleep, passed out, or making out with total strangers. The Designated Drivers had long since grown bored and fled for less chaotic pastures.

HopscotchForSeniorsThat left me, a few diehard fans, and the last of the players.  It came down to the three little old ladies pictured on the left, who were eventually forced to move their competition to one of the outdoor hopscotch grids because the Auditorium reeked of vomit, urine, and despair.  Turns out that the young ones couldn’t hold their liquor, so it was up to the seniors, with decades of practice cultivating a relationship with scotch, to show the kids how it was done.

The lady showing off her skills in the photo was the eventual winner.  Congratulations, Winnie LeCroix of Milford!  You are Maine’s first Adult Hopscotch Champion!

Right after Winnie claimed her title, a fire broke out inside the Auditorium as several of the other intoxicated participants had fallen asleep while smoking.  Luckily, the Fire Department was prepared for such circumstances, and the fire was put out without anyone getting seriously injured.

There is absolutely no talk of holding a Second Annual Hop With Scotch Hopscotch Tournament, so Winnie will be Maine’s Queen of Hopscotch for the rest of her life.  Wear the crown proudly, Winnie!

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Should some games just be left to the kids?  Is it stupid to try to turn everything into a drinking game?  Why do adults have to go and ruin everything???

I look forward to reading your replies.  Congrats again, Winnie…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to Maine’s First Hop With Scotch Hopscotch Tournament Ends In Drunken Chaos

  1. Ingrid says:

    I would have thought any Maine sporting event where alcohol was involved would be sponsored by Allen’s coffee brandy.

  2. I don’t know, I thought it actually sounded like kind of a good idea until you got into the details. Maybe if it was a private rather a public event?

  3. wedelmom says:

    I guess we do what we must to stay warm and stave off winter boredom. I’m thinking it took at least some talent to hop and not get more scotch on you than in you. Winnie got skills!

  4. dave k says:

    Say that 5 times fast!

  5. I’m just relieved that as she walked away with her title and trophy she didn’t slip and fall, breaking her hip. That would’ve been bad. 🙂

  6. paulheels says:

    haha! this should be an annual event damn it! I would come on up to Maine for this.

  7. momshieb says:

    You mean some people play Hopscotch without scotch? Who knew…..
    No wonder my childhood memories are so foggy.

  8. jaklumen says:

    I’m from the Pacific Northwest, and not from the I-5 corridor at that. I don’t understand things like this… and I guess I don’t pretend to, either. We’re a little more, well, laid-back about stuff.

  9. Mike says:

    This tournament would clearly have benefitted from my Event Management services. I have earned a reputation for excellence at all intoxicating sports and have been known to accept payment in kind rather than professional fees.

    PS My brother’s PR firm would like Winnie’s phone number.

    • Perhaps you can contact Governor LePage and offer your services for next year’s tournament. Every since I posted this piece, there has been a growing rumbling to do it again next year. Winnie’s number starts with 207, but that’s all I know off the top of my head… 🙂

  10. Go Winnie, Go Winnie….she rocks! The combination of drinking & games has always seemed insane to me. Remember the Hula-Hoop drinking frenzy of 87? Neither do I, because it was just that dumb. One more shout out to Winnie…wooo hoo!

    • I thought the Hula Hoop was invented by someone who was drinking and got stuck inside an old wagon wheel… 😉 Winnie does rock. She might have to hit the talk show circuit to meet some of her fans…

  11. "HE WHO" says:

    This could be the beginning of an old style Stephen King horror novel. They all start with a location in and around Bangor, Maine, where a seemingly ordinary population drops into the twilight zone…don’t they? Perhaps they have been tainted by the return of the modern philosopher. And a whole lot of scotch.

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