Godzilla Completes Anger Management, Wants To Apologize To Tokyo

GodzillaIt took him a while to get his well documented rage under control, but Godzilla has finally completed his court mandated Anger Management training, and now wants to return to Tokyo to make amends with the city and the people he literally and figuratively crushed.

Unfortunately, the people of Tokyo have made it very clear that Godzilla’s apology would be too little, too late.  The Japanese government has mobilized the military, declared a state of emergency, and mined the Pacific Ocean and the Sea of Japan in an attempt to keep the monster from making it to land.  It has also issued the following statement: “Stay away, Godzilla.  We hate your ugly face, never want to see you again, and wish you had never been born, created, or whatever the hell happened to make you exist.”

scaredThis Modern Philosopher sat down with Godzilla to get his side of the story.  “Look, the people of Japan, specifically Tokyo, have every right to be mad at me,” he told me in perfect English, in a voice that was much softer than I expected.  “I destroyed their city, killed some of them, and probably knocked out the power there for a decade on my numerous rampages.”

“The thing is, I’ve changed.  I know that’s difficult to believe, but I’ve gone to therapy and I’ve seen the error of my ways.  I’ve learned that I can’t lash out and use my angry voice every time I’m upset.  I’ve developed other ways to deal with my anger, and the medications I’ve been taking really help me to stay balanced.”

Will he be able to keep his anger in check if he’s never able to apologize to the people of Tokyo face to face?  “Of course I will, but I’ll just be disappointed,” Godzilla replied as he hung his head and wiped away a giant tear.  “I hate the creature I used to be, and I would just really like a second chance.  I’m lonely and could use some friends, you know?”

I told Godzilla that he would always be welcome in Maine, but he told me that the Atlantic Ocean simply doesn’t hold a candle to the Pacific, and that he’s been away from the Far East for way too long.

Did he have any last message for my readers?  “I just want the kids out there to know that even though it looks really cool when I’m demolishing buildings and crushing cars, there’s nothing at all cool about that sort of behavior.  Avoid it at all costs.  Learn to use your words when you’re upset.  Stay in school, listen to your parents, eat your veggies, and really value your friends.”

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Does Godzilla deserve another chance with the people of Tokyo?  Can an abusive monster ever really turn over a new leaf?  Would you go to a movie to see a calm, peaceful Godzilla do comedy or try to find love?

I look forward to reading your replies.  I’ve got to tell you, though, I really felt bad for the big guy.  I’m good at reading people and creatures, and he really seems like he’s changed.

Good luck, Godzilla.  You’re welcome back at The House on the Hill any time…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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42 Responses to Godzilla Completes Anger Management, Wants To Apologize To Tokyo

  1. Ashana M says:

    No one “deserves” a second chance, but sometimes it feels better to offer one. Then again, sociopaths are notoriously charming and deceitful. Let’s see if he can hold off on destroying cities for a few decades first.

  2. queenlorene says:

    I was obsessed with Godzilla when I was 3 years old. Watched every film with big eyes and wide open mouth. The re-make was very disappointing with the next generation. Just tell him he is an original and no one can replace him. Sadly, the elderly often regret their mistakes when death is on the horizon. I hope he is still well. Tell him he still has a fan base. GODZILLA RULES!

    • I am sure your comment is going to make Big G roar with delight. I’m trying to picture a 3 year old watching those flicks…you must’ve been terrified!

      • queenlorene says:

        Ahhh…the thrill of terror. My dad watched with me, and would roar G-O-D-Z-I-L-L-A!!!! and I would run screaming to my mom! But I loved it. Gotta hand it to the pre-schoolers, they are a quirky bunch.

  3. Sara says:

    He should really apologize to Mothra.

  4. jaklumen says:

    He was briefly rehabilitated by Hanna-Barbera in the 1970’s:

  5. Although Godzilla did a lot of damage, his movies were blockbusters and helped stimulate the economy. So he definitely should be given a second chance.
    I also think people would be interested in seeing a movie where a peaceful Godzilla was doing comedy or trying to find love.
    I mean, people accepted and enjoyed the fact that King Kong had a romantic, softer side…even though he was a little rough on The One He So Adored (he didn’t mean to blow her away with his bad breath, and it wasn’t his fault that his size was so frightening).
    All things considered, it only fair to also give Godzilla the opportunity to break out of the bad monster “stereotype” that he unwittingly crashed and burned his way into.

    • People don’t realize that those are documentaries, and the studios took that real life footage and turned it into the blockbuster movies we watched in America…

      • What? Good grief. Are you saying that the studios made money off of Godzilla’s bad behavior without his permission? Godzilla can probably file a lawsuit and win, and then the movie makers will really think he is monstrous.
        He really deserves another chance. Perhaps you can make a new documentary about Godzilla’s changed attitude—-a documentary that will help change public opinion. Everybody usually cheers for the underdog (or in this case, the “undermonster”) who is trying to better his life.

    • I’m not going to bring up a lawsuit and risk angering him!

      • What? Godzilla would win.
        But I guess I see your point. Things could get out of hand.
        If you put Godzilla in a courtroom with an aggressive lawyer who is arguing that he is nothing but pure evil, it might just push him over the edge.
        He’d probably break down and eat the prosecutor.
        And then, to add insult to injury, the studios would probably rush to make another blockbuster movie out the courtroom debacle, without giving Godzilla a penny of the proceeds.
        Sigh. Maybe Godzilla would be better off if he just retired to a warm island in the Pacific….by himself…and left the unforgiving world behind. He can make friends with some sand crabs if he gets too lonely. They have pretty hard shells, I hear.

  6. Aw, poor Godzilla. 😦 I have to agree with him on the Pacific/Atlantic thing. There’s really no comparison. I think he should stay in the Pacific, maybe hang around Australia or some of the smaller islands for a while and show the Japanese, through his behaviors, that he really has changed. Maybe then they will give him the chance to return to Tokyo and apologize.

  7. Really? I have to admit I haven’t spent a lot of time on the Atlantic, but I found it very dull. The Pacific has better waves. And it’s more colorful. In my experience.

  8. I’m trying to picture him singing “I Feel Pretty” every time he’s about to get angry….

  9. Maybe Godzilla should guest on “Scared Straight.”

  10. moutnaingirl says:

    Why have I not found your blog sooner?!? I loved this!

  11. Andy Porter says:

    My advice to Godzilla: Throw those meds in the nearest dumpster, knock your head against a bridge abutment to get those silly-assed ideas out of your head about “feelings” and giving a shit about what others think and just go out there and BE yourself! You’re a monster for christ sakes, the best, most awesome monster ever. We loved you just the way you were.
    Most cities are cess pools of decay and need rebuilding and you, my fine scaly friend are best equipped to do some serious damage.
    I have a LOONNNGGG list of cities to start with, if you need help.
    Go Godzilla!!!!!!!

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