Tuesday, Having Long Been Tormented For Its Heftiness, Gets Its Annual Day In The Sun

Fat TuesdayTomorrow is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of Lent.  That means that today is Mardi Gras aka Fat Tuesday.  This is the one day out of 365 (366 if it’s a leap year) that Tuesday gets a little respect and is the (positive) focus of attention.

The rest of the year, it’s all about taunting, fat jokes, wet willies, and wedgies.  How many times has Tuesday had to get someone to climb the flag pole to retrieve its boxers?  “Too many to count,” Tuesday replied with a drunken chuckle via Skype from New Orleans.  “The other days of the week are pretty relentless when it comes to running my drawers up the pole.  I’ve never understood it, and I’ve just come to accept it as a way of life…and now I buy boxers in bulk”

Why do the other days of the week harass him so mercilessly?  “I think Wednesday started it,” Tuesday shared as it hurled some colored beads at passing revelers.  ” Wednesday always got picked on for the weird spelling of its name.  It got tired of it, and started making fun of me to turn the attention elsewhere.  Pretty soon, the other days just followed along.  I guess you can get more mileage out of fat jokes than you can out of weird name jokes.”

I nodded in understanding because my name did get me picked on as a kid, but the chubby kids got it way worse.  I felt the most pity for my fat friend Abercrombie.

“I wasn’t even that overweight when it all started,” Tuesday continued.  “As the bullying got worse, I ate more to deal with my stress.  I know that wasn’t the right thing to do, but it wasn’t like there was anyone around to offer me any advice.  Eating was just easier than fighting back.”

Clearly.  I don’t mean that in a rude way, but rather as a statement of fact.  Tuesday is extremely obese, and if something isn’t done soon, we might be looking at a six day week because a certain day might not survive to be included in the 2014 calendar.

“I know I need to do something about my weight,” Tuesday volunteered as if reading my mind like an all you can eat menu.  “Every year, I resolve to exercise more, eat better, and lose weight.  I do so well for the first month, but then Mardi Gras rolls around and it all goes to hell.  I mean, how could I not partake of all the delicious foods and beverages on the day that celebrates my immenseness?”

It is difficult to argue with logic like that.  What this Modern Philosopher has learned from his own bouts with weight gain is that the only way one’s going to lose slim down is by committing to the idea 100%.  The day of the week on the Skype screen in front of me was stuffing its face with all kinds of food and drink during our interview.  This was not a day committed to anything other than caloric intake.

So sad.  I’ve always liked Tuesdays…

So what do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Is Tuesday ever going to get its act together and really work on losing weight?  Would you be able to adjust to a six day week if Tuesday finally dies from its obesity?  What day do you think is the meanest of them all?

On a personal note, I think I have managed to elude The Machines and have gotten myself off their Grid.  I was able to secure a loaner laptop, and should be able to post regularly now until mine is returned.  If I do disappear again, please wait for further instructions from The Girl Who Always Knows How To Find Me.

I hope to hear from you all.  Your comments have helped me to get through this trying time as I have been stalked by The Machines…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Tuesday, Having Long Been Tormented For Its Heftiness, Gets Its Annual Day In The Sun

  1. wedelmom says:

    I personally wouldn’t mind losing a day during the work week but I hate to see anyone die of obesity. So sad.
    Thanks for the enlightening post. I always figured Monday started it because he knows no one really likes him.
    Glad you are off-grid and re-posting although TGWAKHTFY did a great job.

  2. I think I could get used to the idea of Tuesday being a thing of history, but only as long as we agree that Sat/Sun will still be the weekend. Who wouldn’t enjoy a 4 day work week. This could also go a long way with the USPS saving a little bit of money!

  3. Jess says:

    You’re hilarious. So clever and witty. I look forward to your posts everyday. Thanks for the laughs.

  4. I’m kind of surprised if Wednesday, in fact, actually started it. His nickname is humpday which can be a whole other kind of debauchery…and much needed if Tuesday is all about “fat”. Gotta work off all those calories, somehow. I’m with the other poster who suggested Monday is the actual culprit. Monday is frustrated with being the most hated day of the week. Of course, Thursday gets ignored a lot…so… I think this merits more digging.

  5. If I can figure out how to, sure…

  6. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    Happy Fat Tuesday! I dare you to call it that to its face!

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