Werewolves Officially Added to Maine’s Endangered Species List

WerewolfGovernor Paul LePage today signed into law a bill that officially added Werewolves to Maine’s Endangered Species List, Modern Philosophers.

The law, which was a long time in coming, bans the sale of silver bullets to anyone other than a law enforcement official.  In addition, all recordings of Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band must be destroyed, and the band itself cannot set foot in Maine (individual members are welcome,  but the band as a whole is not).  Finally, Coors Light (aka The Silver Bullet) will no longer be available for sale anywhere in Maine.

The All Hallows Society, Maine’s powerful, top secret organization that polices all activity dealing with the state’s Otherworldly Being population, is believed to be the driving force behind LePage’s decision to finally give Werewolves  Endangered Species status.

Many readers have asked why Werewolves are rarely mentioned on the blog.  The sad truth is that Maine’s Werewolf population is so tiny that they stay in hiding and rarely do anything newsworthy.  It has also been a conscious decision on my part not to feature the creatures out of fear that bringing them into the spotlight might put them in danger.

Maine DeptLon Chaney, Director of Maine’s Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife, was nice enough to sit down with me to discuss the dwindling Werewolf population.

“During the first half of the Twentieth Century, Werewolves were the predominant Otherworldly Creature in Maine,” Chaney explained.  “Over time, however, they fell prey to hunters eager to not only get their pelts, but also to have a cool story to tell once they returned home from their vacations in Maine.”

“Then we had the arrival of the Alien population, which drove the Werewolves out of the North Woods, not because of anything the Aliens did, but because the Werewolves were fearful that they might attack our new friends and set off an intergalactic incident.”

So typical of the Maine Werewolf to put the needs of others before its own.

“Werewolves started getting older and dying of natural causes,” Chaney continued solemnly.  “Each generation of Mainer had less interest in getting bitten by a Werewolf and continuing the line.  Kids got seduced by video games, TV, and the internet, and became obsessed with looks.  It was no longer cool to be an Otherworldly Creature who howled at the moon and had excessive body hair.”

zombiesWhat about the Zombies?  I’ve heard that before I moved to Maine, there was a mighty war between Zombies and Werewolves.

“Those stories are mostly rumors started by Maine Indians who wanted to keep strangers out of their forests,” Chaney told me with a shake of the head.  “They’d tell stories of wild battles between the species and warn that any human caught in the middle would be ripped to shreds or eaten.”

“It is true, however, that the Zombie Infestation did affect the Werewolf population, but it wasn’t because the two groups went to war.  It was more a case of Werewolves having an extremely keen sense of smell and not being able to stand the stench of zombies.  As a result, a lot of Werewolves packed up and headed for Vermont.”

So what can Mainers do to help Werewolves thrive again?

“One thing they need to do is stop shooting Werewolves,” Chaney answered quickly.  “Remember, a Werewolf might be your neighbor or your child’s teacher.  If you see one, notify a Game Warden, who can then track the creature and make sure it stays safe.”

Werewolves Officially Added To Maine's Endangered Species List | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“Mainers can also help by killing Zombies.  The less Zombies there are, the fewer Werewolves will leave the state.  Finally, anyone who is truly dedicated to helping increase the Werewolf population, can volunteer to become a Werewolf.  My Department holds orientation classes every month during which volunteers learn what it means to be a Werewolf, how to survive in the wild, and how to deal with the changes and complications that are part of living a double life.”

Anyone interested in becoming a Werewolf can call the Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife at (207)-965-3626 (WOLFMAN) or write to me at the blog.

I’m told the bite really doesn’t hurt much, and that howling at the moon is an excellent way to let out all the stress that builds up during the work day.

Want to howl at the moon with me on Pinterest?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

111 Responses to Werewolves Officially Added to Maine’s Endangered Species List

  1. I’m not quite ready to become a werewolf, but I’m happy to join the Save The Werewolf letter writing and picketing campaigns as needed. 🙂

  2. Drops of Ink says:

    I will gladly become a werewolf if I get to have Alcide Herveaux show me the ropes. 😀

  3. Drops of Ink says:

    In that case… PASS. 😛

  4. THAT’S what that is ………………….. and I thought I just needed to change my razor blade. Good luck with the zombie thing.

  5. EagleAye says:

    I understand there’s Werewolf ranch just outside of Austin, TX. They’re humanely treated and well fed–mostly hippies and uppity California liberals.

    • Austin says:

      I like that my name is associated with Werewolves elsewhere… 🙂

    • LucyJartz says:

      Cool. Do they allow visitors from south of Dallas? We were thinking about raising hybrid wolves, but since alien wolves are endangered.

      • EagleAye says:

        Oh sure. The owners are always happy to have visitors. It’s hard to keep all those werewolves fed after all. Just watch your step, and don’t drink they orange punch if they offer it to you. Find yourself a “Perry for President” tee-shirt and they won’t confuse you for livestock feed.

      • LucyJartz says:

        I didn’t know Rick had the Alien Caucus. We’ll bring along some bacon, and make a few friends.

      • EagleAye says:

        Oh yeah, bacon is really good. And if you’re good at scratching behind the ears, you can earn loyalty for life.

      • LucyJartz says:

        Yes, dogs have me pegged in 3 seconds as the lady who scratches behind ears, and werewolves must be more perceptive.
        Can they talk in wolf form, or is it all growls and stuff? Actually, all I really need is a loyal friend that listens – and laughs at my jokes.es, dogs have me pegged in 3 seconds as the lady who scratches behind ears, and werewolves must be more perceptive.

      • EagleAye says:

        A lot depends on their age. Remember, werewolves are predators and humans are their natural prey. The young ones are less wise and they are really the reason a preserve for them is necessary in the first place. They give themselves away too easily. The older ones on the other hand understand restraint and how wonderful a good ear scratching is. A lot depends on the individual.

      • LucyJartz says:

        They sound like a huge responsibility. The zombie control is good, but I can see I have a lot to learn before I get too involved.

      • EagleAye says:

        It’s important, yet dangerous work. Not unlike preserving a Bengal Tiger for instance. If you’re not careful they’ll attack. Except with werewolves you not only need strong gates, you need cabins, a general store, and satellite TV.

      • LucyJartz says:

        A small community for werewolves. They should have one of these wildlife preserves in Maine too. 🙂

      • EagleAye says:

        There may be one. They tend to be secretive. You usually have to set up shop in a remote location. And if hikers ever wander in and get eaten, you need a politician in your pocket to keep the police off your back. That’s easy in Texas. I don’t know about Maine.

      • LucyJartz says:

        No, it’s not as common, but most any native Mainer will respect the privacy of others pretty naturally. (Which is probably why so many famous people vacation there, because few locals will treat them special.) A good Maine guide should be able to keep the unwitting clear. What kind of non-native fool wanders around Maine without a Maine guide?

      • EagleAye says:

        The short-lived kind, I imagine, and people without the common sense to read Stephen King.

      • LucyJartz says:

        (besides Austin, who seems to keep to the house on the hill and stay out of the woods pretty well.)

      • EagleAye says:

        You never know, Austin may just be keeping an important secret, and to everyone’s benefit.

      • LucyJartz says:

        One does wonder why The Modern Philosopher moved to such a quiet place…

        If I wasn’t in such a rush to get everything gathered up for my Monday through Friday nonstop, I could possibly consider that long enough to have a startling epiphany.

      • EagleAye says:

        Sometimes great things for the earth are performed in secret. No fanfare, no awards, yet the work must be done to preserve many species and thereby maintain nature’s balance.

      • Austin says:

        I was born on the Epiphany. Weird, huh? 🙂

      • LucyJartz says:

        Because Maine winters are so cold, and proximity to other holidays, we celebrated a daughter’s birthday twice: a small family birthday on the day in January, and a big bash on the day in “June-uary”. I hope you also get to celebrate your birthday twice!

      • LucyJartz says:

        Weird describes you (your blog) in so many ways. 🙂

  6. queenlorene says:

    Im betting that Maine Emergency Rooms are the tamest in America…especially during the dreaded Full Moon… 🙂

  7. mudlips says:

    Perhaps a relocation program with London’s werewolves could be a start, might be good for Maine’s werewolves’ genetic diversity.

  8. Val says:

    Do zombies eat the brains of werewolves? That might come into it…

  9. Good information. Lucky me I recently found your blog by accident
    (stumbleupon). I have saved as a favorite for later!

  10. filbio says:

    Is there any chance of Vampires being added to this list too? Not sure what the population in Maine is for them as they can’t suck Zombie blood, right?

    • Austin says:

      I’ve talked about Maine’s Vampires often. They drink the blood of the Aliens in the North Woods who actually expel their blood supply every month when their bodies replenish the entire supply. Weird stuff…

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  13. anonymous says:

    mortals of this age seek what they truly dont want to find and brand what they never see as non existent and mythical but maine may not be the only place the kings of the moon are found trust me i should know wheather u all take it non or fictional it doesnt matter to me just like u i go on with my everyday life. i dont know about any other wolf out there not even my sisters and brothers but my moon is always red beneath my “feet”

  14. Pingback: Modern Philosopher Howling Mad Phortune Cookies | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  15. Catrina says:

    From maine and I find this hysterical. Absolutely loved it!

    • Austin says:

      Thank you for visiting the blog and telling me what you think. Perhaps you’ll still around and read some more? It’s all about life in Maine…

  16. Spawn says:

    If this is suppose to be a joke its a good one if not its nice that some one is attempting to care for the species. Werewolves are thriving everywhere today we just stay in hiding within good reason. There is not very many left any more.

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  18. suzie81 says:

    This is brilliant! Thanks so much for sharing it on my blog party!

  19. Pingback: works cited | werewolf blog

  20. Natalie H. says:

    Is there a place to turn in Las Vegas NV?

    I would like to become a werewolf as long as my fur is white. 😄

  21. I am a werewolf and that is good to know that there is some place safe in america for any werewolf. I want to thank the author of this blog that helped me see through the eyes of a mortal

  22. Velanko says:

    Become a werewolf AND kill zombies count me in. Of corse ill need credentials references ect to make shure I’m not wasting my time. Can’t just up and move cross country without a strong stack of supporting evidence. If you could send it to
    Thad be great. Glad to see humans finally opening up to the mythics and not just opening fire.

  23. WerewolfES says:

    I am a werewolf, well have werewolf blood. But haven’t changed yet. What do werewolves look like? And how will we become wolves? I would love to become a werewolf, but I live in Canada. I simply need a little werewolf fluids to give my own a push, otherwise it’s quite painful (I am stuck).

  24. WOLFKID99 says:

    Do you happen to know most US Pack locations? If you do and have a list, could you send it to me?
    I would appreciate the approximate locations, because in Pennsylvania, there seem to werewolves at all near here, and I cant find anything on the internet, logically. Help me out!

  25. Nikhil says:

    I warna become a werewolf.

  26. WOLFKID99 says:

    Ive looked around the internet a bit more…
    I DID happen to find a nearby pack. The problem is, theyre all gone…

    Did your best Werewolves have any useful info on STABLE packs in my area?

  27. Talia Gross says:

    I want to become a werewolf.

  28. WOLFKID99 says:

    Have you found anything recently? I have been looking around town and the surrounding wildlife for anything I could use to know that there are werewolves nearby. I have found nothing. I could really use any info you got.

  29. kauaiartist says:

    Thanks for liking my poem People Don’t Fart. I had fun writing it and the message is one helluva lot more serious-minded than it seems at first reading.

    Brent Kincaid, WordMusic

  30. kauaiartist says:

    OOOOOOOOO, I never knew such a song existed. Thanks. I will pull it up and listen.


  31. pam j says:

    Will I have to think this whole blog is tongue in cheek! SURELY!!! Pretty darn funny!!😜😜 AARROOO!!!

    • Austin says:

      Yes, it is a comedy blog, Pam. Glad you liked the post, though.

      How did you come across it? This post has gotten a crazy number of views today and I’m wondering why that is.

      Thanks again!

  32. Pretty soon the Traveler is going to enlist the Werewolves along with vampires, who are also an endangered species, along with the Fae, to save the earth from reptilian aliens who have taken over the bodies of the Koch brothers and the CEO of Exxon, so they can use their money, power and oil to keep buying elected representatives to support polluting the environment by raising the CO2 levels to where they were when the dinosaurs ruled the earth. Reptilian dinosaurs have a much higher pH level and range, and an environment with high levels of CO2 work better for them. Mammals, like werewolves only became the dominate species when CO2 levels dropped below 300 ppm. CO2 levels were seven times higher during the age of the dinosaurs when mammals didn’t even exist.

  33. Andrew says:

    I’ll become one. Does the number still work? I am in NJ but can I be added to the list to be bitten in the future? I plan to move there maybe in 1-2 years

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  35. Zay says:

    Thank you so much for protecting werewolves there. Some aspects of life are strange to many. I also would like for dogmen to be added to the endangered list as well. Many angry and fearful people out there. I visit with dogmen in the summer. It’s an amazing world out there. I may just visit Maine myself someday. Peace

  36. NATE says:

    I’m interested in becoming a wolf plz get back to me as soon as possible

  37. Julius hoffman says:

    Are you serious? If so I’ll think about it idk if I would be able to move to maine though… are there any places closer to az that need somthing similar to this?

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