Luckily, all of Biden’s Twitter followers are fake accounts set up by White House Staff to make the VP feel popular, while also monitoring what he broadcasts to the world.
“Yes, this was a major breach of National Security,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told the press corps. “We will get to the bottom of not only how the Vice President came to be in the possession of the launch codes, but also how he ended up being left all alone with internet access.”
Biden, whose Secret Service code name is “Thumper”, is never supposed to be left on his own except for when he uses the restroom.
Even then an Agent pats him down to make sure he does not have any electronics on his person, stands right outside the bathroom door, and checks on him every three minutes until he emerges. The Secret Service Agent is also responsible for ensuring that the VP washes his hands after doing his business.
My sources also tell me that Mr. Biden threw a tantrum in the Oval Office after President Obama told him he could not go on national television to apologize to the American people for his gaffe. This Modern Philosopher, however, was able to get his hands on a copy of the handwritten speech the Vice President wanted to give. Here are a few snippets…
“When you think about it, this isn’t really my fault. Who in their right mind would trust me with the nuke codes?”
“By the time I’m President, I promise I’ll be able to tell the difference between codes that kill millions, and codes that make a video game funner.”
At this hour, the leading theory as to how Biden came to be in possession of the Nuclear Launch Codes is that a new member of the secretarial pool, thinking that the Vice President of the United States could actually be trusted with such information, put a copy of the codes in his morning briefing packet.
President Obama has personally called world leaders to assure them that such a thing will never again happen, and Biden’s Secret Security detail has been tripled…not to protect him, but to protect the world from him.
More on this story as it develops…