Vice President Accidentally Tweets Nuke Codes; Luckily No One Follows Him

MushroomThe White House had a lot of explaining to do, Modern Philosophers, after Vice President Joe Biden accidentally tweeted Top Secret nuclear launch codes earlier this afternoon.

Luckily, all of Biden’s Twitter followers are fake accounts set up by White House Staff to make the VP feel popular, while also   monitoring what he broadcasts to the world.

“Yes, this was a major breach of National Security,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told the press corps.  “We will get to the bottom of not only how the Vice President came to be in the possession of the launch codes, but also how he ended up being left all alone with internet access.”

Joe BidenMy sources inside the White House tell me that heads will roll in the Secret Service as a result of today’s incident.

Biden, whose Secret Service code name is “Thumper”, is never supposed to be left on his own except for when he uses the restroom.

Even then an Agent pats him down to make sure he does not have any electronics on his person, stands right outside the bathroom door, and checks on him every three minutes until he emerges.  The Secret Service Agent is also responsible for ensuring that the VP washes his hands after doing his business.

My sources also tell me that Mr. Biden threw a tantrum in the Oval Office after President Obama told him he could not go on national television to apologize to the American people for his gaffe.  This Modern Philosopher, however, was able to get his hands on a copy of the handwritten speech the Vice President wanted to give.  Here are a few snippets…

Thumper“I thought that I was tweeting the cheat code to unlock a secret level on Assassin’s Creed.”

“When you think about it, this isn’t really my fault.  Who in their right mind would trust me with the nuke codes?”

“By the time I’m President, I promise I’ll be able to tell the difference between codes that kill millions, and codes that make a video game funner.”

At this hour, the leading theory as to how Biden came to be in possession of the Nuclear Launch Codes is that a new member of the secretarial pool, thinking that the Vice President of the United States could actually be trusted with such information, put a copy of the codes in his morning briefing packet.

President Obama has personally called world leaders to assure them that such a thing will never again happen, and Biden’s Secret Security detail has been tripled…not to protect him, but to protect the world from him.

More on this story as it develops…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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29 Responses to Vice President Accidentally Tweets Nuke Codes; Luckily No One Follows Him

  1. Gardengirl says:

    Oh thanks! I was literally laughing out loud. My family gives me strange looks and then I try to explain and make it worse. It’s better to just turn my computer around so they can read it! I have my daughter looking for your posts now whenever she’s on my computer!

  2. One of the funniest. Nice to know that your politicos are as thick as anyone else’s!

  3. allyah11 says:

    Love. Love. Love. I was laughing so very hard! Thanks for this.

  4. ksbeth says:

    here’s hoping kim jong un is not his facebook friend.

  5. Let us know when the Secret Service comes knocking on your door :).

  6. GreedyFrog says:

    The title made me chuckle, and by the time I finished reading the whole post I was laughing out loud! Thanks, Modern Philosopher for brightening my lunch break! 🙂

  7. mudlips says:

    At least we can be assured he’s tweeting with clean hands. Thank you Secret Service, for this invaluable service to America.

    • Austin says:

      Amen to that! I hope enough people read this pot so that the Secret Service Agents get their due. Hopefully, people tweet this and share it on Facebook for more to see…

  8. susielindau says:

    The only part of this story that is far-fetched is that Biden had the code.. 🙂

  9. EagleAye says:

    Perhaps we need to take away his computer. Perhaps a pair of pencils might keep him amused.

  10. filbio says:

    LMAO!!! I am on a plane right now and just laughed out loud. Please also keep all sharp objects away from him.

  11. Pingback: Joe Biden Beats The High Score on White House’s Space Invaders Game; Declares Earth Safe From Alien Invasion | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

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