While the TV show, produced by Sid & Marty Krofft, depicted Sigmund in a very positive light, a recent survey of children aged 5-12 revealed that 90% of the participants either wept, screamed, or wet themselves upon being shown Sigmund’s picture and being told he was a sea monster.
“I heard about that survey, and I knew it was time to make a change,” Sigmund told this Modern Philosopher today in an interview down by the Penobscot River. “This generation didn’t grow up watching that TV version of me, so they think I’m evil and something to be feared. Do you know what’s it like going through life being branded as a monster?”
No, Sigmund, I do not. Why not just go to court and have your name legally changed? “I tried that, Austin,” Sigmund revealed with a pained sigh. “The thing is, the courts can change my given name, but not my biological classification. They would’ve been happy to let me be Charlie the Sea Monster or Montague the Sea Monster, but that last part of my name did not fall under their jurisdiction.”
Hence his appeal to The American Board of Marine Biologists. “The Marine Biologists are the only ones who can give me a new lease on life,” my green friend explained as he drifted out into the river to ease his mind. “They’ve led me to believe that if I state my case well, they would be open to a reclassification.”
Needing a high powered attorney on his side, Sigmund swam up the Atlantic Ocean to Bangor, Maine to meet with Cy Brown, Esq. Cy was more than happy to take the case. “I loved that show growing up,” Cy told me when we met later at The House on the Hill. “I know TV has a tendency to tamper with the truth to serve its needs, but after meeting with Sigmund, I was sold on the fact that he really is as sweet and harmless as they depicted him on Saturday mornings.”
Sigmund and Cy hope to help their case by bringing in a little star power to speak before the Board on the former’s behalf. “Aquaman has agreed to testify as a character witness for Sigmund,” Cy told me proudly. “When I called him to see if he would be willing to do so, Aquaman answered in the affirmative without hesitation. Apparently, the two of them go back a ways, and I can’t think of a better person to have in our corner.”
Would Sigmund be heartbroken if the Marine Biologists did not decide to reclassify him? “Of course I’d be upset,” he quickly answered, “but it’s not like I’m going to go on a rampage and start killing swimmers out in the ocean.”
But I never mentioned killing anyone, Sigmund. “Oh, right, you didn’t,” he replied in an embarrassed manner. “I’m not really sure what I was thinking.”
Hmmmm. What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Does Sigmund have a case? Would you be comfortable with him being known as a Sea Creature? Are you like me and curious as to why Johnny and Scott aren’t testifying on his behalf?
I will keep you posted on the status of Sigmund’s petition…