FIFA Eliminates Goalkeepers In Attempt To Make Soccer Exciting

South Africa Soccer WCup Final Netherlands SpainGoooooooooooaaaaaaal!

That’s a call very few soccer announcers ever get to make.  However, FIFA, the international governing body for soccer, took a major step towards changing that today by deciding to eliminate goalkeepers from the game.  Another attacker will be added in the keeper’s place in an attempt to add more scoring to the game.

While soccer is referred to by many as the most popular sport in the world, it really is quite boring.  More importantly, Americans don’t like it and that means it can’t truly be considered the most popular sport in the world.

0-0-scoreboard“90% of all soccer games played across the world last year ended in scoreless ties,” Juan Mercado, a FIFA spokesman, told this Modern Philosopher.  “We are hoping that by getting rid of the goalies, our masterful players will finally be able to put that tiny ball into the enormous net.”

Americans agree that soccer needs more scoring in order to be considered a sport that they’ll watch for recreational purposes.

A recent poll showed that 28% of American parents disciplined their children by forcing them to watch soccer games, and another 11% took it a step further by forcing their misbehaving children to join a soccer team.

boringAmerican Phys Ed teachers have been known to use the threat of having to play soccer in Gym Class as a means to keep rowdy students in line.  Several schools across the Midwestern United States have replaced Detention with an after school soccer game.

“I’ve never seen our students better behaved,” boasted the President of a School Board that replaced Detention with soccer.  “Regardless of how boring the sport is, the kids are even managing to get a little exercise, which they never got sitting in Detention.”

Will the elimination of goalkeepers be the only step FIFA takes?  “It depends on how things go, and more importantly, how the Americans react to the change,” Mercado confessed.  “We do have other ideas including adding a couple of more balls into the mix.  There’s bound to be scoring if there’s multiple balls on the field, right?  The other rule change we’re considering is allowing the players to use their hands, so they can just pick up the ball and either throw it or carry it into the net.  We hope to have it all ironed out by the time the next World Cup rolls around.”

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Did my merely posting an article about soccer put you to sleep?  Do you think these changes will make the game more exciting?  Have you ever watched a professional soccer game and actually seen a goal scored?

I look forward to reading your comments.  I’ll be busy watching the Yankees and the Nets, but if there’s ever a lull in either of the games, I’ll check out what you have to say…



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

66 Responses to FIFA Eliminates Goalkeepers In Attempt To Make Soccer Exciting

  1. Do away with Off-sides and the game will change. None of my European friends like my suggestion but it will definitely improve scoring and excitement. Seriously, a defender and goalie that have a special rule that the opposing team has to stay in front of us so we always know where you are… no head starts towards the goal… I’m too slow to catch you… really? HA!

  2. tric says:

    The comedian Spike Milligan was interviewed. He was brilliant about how boring soccer was. When he went to the game and it ended in nil all, he wanted his money back! It is a big yawn and I like sport.

  3. EagleAye says:

    I can see it happening. In the NFL, it used to be okay to hit receivers in the secondary. Now, you’ll get a fine if you shove the guy too hard. It’s all to help put offensive numbers on the board to gain a wider audience, and make drinking games based on points more devastating.

  4. I would like to suggest soccer balls that explode at random time intervals. Or maybe ones with big spikes on them.

  5. Kate Lester says:

    Is soccer more boring than curling?

  6. amb says:

    Austin!! Thanks for liking my recent post over at BoFN. You crack me up. Looking forward to checking out more of your blog. Also love your profile pic. Can I call you Doc? 🙂

  7. ksbeth says:

    i did a 6 week volunteer stint when the world cup came to michigan for the adventure of it all, met a european journalist covering it that’s still my friend all these years later, danced my ass off with the crazed brazilian fans, and sat through a surreal mandatory mulit-cultural ‘etiquette training’ session, but the absolute highlight of the whole thing was ‘striker’ the mascot, who got so much hell from the fans, that he was by far the most exciting thing that happened. oh, and there were some soccer matches going on in the background.

  8. Ned's Blog says:

    If they want to make soccer more exciting, have everyone watch bowling first.

  9. List of X says:

    I like soccer, actually. Even if there’s not much scoring going on, you still get to run, spend time outside, and you do it in the company of other people. It’s like jogging, but fun.
    Though, honestly, I still wouldn’t watch soccer on TV.

  10. I’m married to a Man. U. Fan, who are, as of today, League Champions. I believe he said this post is sacrilege. Also, it’s called football not soccer. Just the messenger on this one! 🙂

  11. Soccer is boring. “Oh Messi had some beautiful runs today. He was really on top of his game out there” But he didn’t actually score, nor did his teammates or opponent. Brilliant, indeed.

  12. Bob says:

    Soccer needs cheerleaders. Everyone knows this is a great idea.

  13. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    Thought it would be fun to re-post this since the world seems to be suffering from World Cup Fever, and I might be the only one immune…

  14. faisalderie says:

    You are so funny Austin! You made my Saturday.

  15. Boring? What could be more boring than watching a bunch of guys swathed in protective equipment running for two yards, falling into a heap, and then standing around until they repeat the same procedure? I once asked my male Slovak students if they had ever played American football. The answer, “It’s way too slow.” I usually take a book to an American football game. When I look up, they’re still in a heap.

  16. howardat58 says:

    Is this a real life case of “Moving the goalposts” ?

  17. Austin! What if there were real Black Bears as goalies?

    • Austin says:

      You haven’t been to this blog in a long time. I was thinking about sending out a search party…

      No goalies. High scoring games would be exciting!

      • Thank you. I was so lost in cyberspace a search party would have been a great idea. Actually, I like any kind of party. Hey, I wanted to let you know that I just posted some of my favorite blogs on my website, and your blog is one of them. Also, I just started trying to use Pinterest and I pinned your blog there, too.

      • Austin says:

        Thank you kindly. Pinterest isn’t some sort of cyber voodoo doll now is it???

  18. Haha! I think the comic script pretty much sums it up!

    …a pointless game, I agree!

  19. Norm 2.0 says:

    These rule changes might help, but half the time they’re kicking the ball the wrong way and the other half they roll around like they’ve just been shot; so we’ll just have to wait and see. For the record, I’ve played soccer and curling. Hands down, Curling has more scoring and more action than soccer.
    Nice post!

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