Police in Brewer this morning responded to a tense hostage situation at The House on the Hill, home of Maine’s beloved Modern Philosopher. First hand reports indicate that the blogger has been held captive by his internal organs since approximately 2:30am when they viciously roused him from a deep sleep with an attack that included sharp abdominal pains, odd gurgling noises, and an overall sense of nausea.
No word yet on the organs’ demands, but the Man in the Toga has called out sick from work, and is making sure that he’s never more than several strides away from one of the house’s bathrooms.
How did such a horrible thing happen to such a wonderful person? Let’s come up with some theories, which should be rather creative seeing as how I haven’t gotten any sleep and my mind really cannot focus.
1. We are moving to a new location at work, so I’ve been cleaning out my office. Yesterday, I came across an unopened box of microwave popcorn in my desk. I couldn’t remember when I’d bought it, but the expiration date was July 2013. I brought the box home, and enjoyed a bag of popcorn while I watched the Knicks game last night. That was the last thing I ate before going to bed. How much can you really trust corn? It’s the one food that always makes a comeback even after you’ve eaten it. I’ve never trusted it, so now it heads my list of co-conspirators.
2. I’ve been cursed. A coworker yesterday gave me the model of a spinal column that we have around the office. Our old space used to be a doctor’s office, so there are some odd objects around. The Girl Who Is Away At School used to keep the spine on the shelf above her desk. Now it’s mine, and I’ve hung it on the wall of the foyer of The House on the Hill (there’s a photo of it). I sent a quick text to The Girl Who Was In Class At The Time, stating “Patty just brought me your spine!”. She promptly replied, “That’s funny because I’m quite sure it’s still here inside my body!”. Gotta love that sense of humor. Clearly, I’ve been cursed for removing the spine from the office. It’s like “The Brady Bunch” when they went to Hawaii and bad things happened after they took the Tiki idols. I have a haunted spine hanging on my foyer wall!
3. The Flying Monkeys are behind it. As I reported on the blog last night, Maine’s Flying Monkeys have taken to the sky to protest the FAA’s treatment of one of their own. They saw me interviewing the guy from the FAA, and now they’re using me and my blog to help fight for their cause. Perhaps they are working for The Wicked Witch of Winterport, who has cast a spell on me and will not remove it until Jahrlo is allowed to fly again.
I did warn you that I am very sick, extremely tired, and not thinking clearly. However, I believe that one of those theories holds the truth to why my body is doing this to me. If anything, my internal organs should be happy because I’ve been slacking on my diet and haven’t been running lately. There has to be a more sensational explanation aside from the fact that I’ve caught a stomach virus. That’s just too bland for Maine, you know?
So what do you think, Modern Philosophers? Should the Hostage Rescue Team storm The House on the Hill and attempt to save me from my captors? Should they remain outside and try to negotiate with my internal organs? What can I do to make it so that I no longer feel like I’ll never be able to eat again?
I’m look forward to your comments. I could use the distraction…
I am laughing so hard. I wonder though; how did you get that picture of me, that morning look?
The internet has pics of everything. 🙂 Glad you enjoyed my sick day ramblings… 🙂
here’s hoping your well soon; but thanks for the chuckle!
You’re welcome. I usually write about much more uplifting things, so please feel free to look around. I might be contagious, but the blog is not. 😀
It could be The Machines have dispatched nanobots to disrupt your prevailing efforts to overcome their attempts at world domination – thus dominating your GI tract. This reader knows that you’re tougher than they are, and while you may be briefly inconvenienced, ultimately you will WIN this battle! Get well soon!
PS- I beg to differ, this blog IS contagious, I can’t stop reading your posts!
I forgot about the Robots. That’s how sick I am right now! Thanks for thinking the blog is contagious. I kinda like the sound of that. Spread the word! 😀
Thanks for posting this. I hate to be the bearer of yet another conspiracy, as i’m not sure which group could be behind it. I too haven’t blogged much the last few days, and suffered the same symptoms halfway around the world. Coincidence, I think not. Perhaps others can enlighten us both, on the extent of this devious plot.
Hmmm…you don’t have a cursed spine hanging in your foyer, do you? If not, it’s probably The Machines. I haven’t posted about them in a while, and when I leave them alone, they get confident and try to take over the world again…
No but I found a banana with out the peel in the kitchen, and was thinking the monkeys were responsible, till I realized it had to be a copycat, who didn’t get the details correct.
This is all very intriguing. Thanks for keeping me posted… 🙂
Sorry to hear you’re sick! It never hurts to light a few candles and take a nice bath with epsom salts :). On a sidenote, we just got our second fish and my kids named him Austin. It’s after one of their favorite Disney shows (we now have an Austin and Al (two boys) after the show Austin & Allie), but I thought you might get a smile out of that. There’s a bright blue betta fish with your name on it!
Awww…I’ll wear my blue toga in his honor once I’m feeling better!
I hope you get well soon, Austin… “well” being a relative term. And my vote is for the Flying Monkeys. For no other reason than I find monkeys kind of creepy.
Who doesn’t? 😉 Thanks for the well wishes…
I think the monkeys planted the bad popcorn. The spine however is just a red herring.
Get well soon! 🙂
Lots to think about. Thank you.. 😉
While my sincere sympathies are with you and your misery, Austin, is it so wrong that I came away mostly thinking about how nice a heaping bowl of warm popcorn would be right now? Uh…don’t tell the Monkeys.
I threw out the box of popcorn I had, Enjoy yours.
Have you at least considered the possibility that you may be pregnant?
I’m not feeling well, but I haven’t lost my knowledge of basic biology…
It’s more my lack of a uterus…
fine. we’ll just agree to disagree. 😉
This is a strange conversation, but if it makes you happy, then we can disagree…
I know! That was the point. I was being silly. But you are being way to serious in your illness. I will blame the spine and harass you later in the week. 😀
I’m not being serious at all. I was chuckling as I was writing my answers. Just can’t let you think you have me believing I could have a baby… 🙂
Aww, muffin! Look after yourself! (And please, whatever you do, keep “writing blog posts” as part of your get-well regimen. That was about seven kinds of awesome).
I’m glad you enjoyed it. Just getting ready to write a new one, so be sure to check back soon… 🙂
You know I will 🙂
caused by a solar flare up. usually gets blamed as the cause for most everything else. feel better
Thanks. I’m working on a new post now, and have buried a few little clues in it for searchers like yourself. I want to hear back from you once you’ve read it! 🙂
Genetically modified food, no spine, monkeying around, and you wonder why your gut is grumbling? Next thing you know, you’ll be taken on a UFO for experimentation. 🙂
My Gargoyle, stationed on the roof, ensures that the Probing Aliens don’t try to come swipe me out of my bed at night… 🙂
don’t forget i had a date with an alien abductee. ) life is oh so good.
You are so lucky! 🙂
The one that was jumping on your stomach shortly before your guts rebelled? I think you’ve found your culprit!
Gary the Gargoyle is not a culprit. He never comes inside the house…
Oh, you have one of those psychic gargoyles. He just makes you think he’s not a culprit. If I were you, I would be very, very paranoid. 🙂
You need to catch up on the blog and read some of the Gary the Gargoyle posts. After you read them, you will understand how loyal he is.
Thanks. I’ll be sure to do that. Could you provide a link for people like me who would like to read it but are much too lazy to look for it?
Here’s the first Gary post… https://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com/2012/11/26/deep-thoughts-on-a-steep-roof-a-gargoyles-love-story/
I would send in Mr. Maalox to negotiate and if that does not work the situation may require PEPTO sharp shooters team to be called in. 🙂
Very witty. Thanks for the laugh!
I figured it was only right if I gave you one in return. I hate to say it but I laughed my ass off reading about your discomfort. 🙂
No need to feel bad. I chose to exploit my discomfort for laughs. 🙂
Don’t worry I did not feel bad about laughing. When I said, “I hate to say it” it was me only abiding to the social norm of pretending to care about another person’s well being even if the distress they are feeling strikes you as funny. Besides, I kinda figured laughter was the response you were aiming for and not pity or compassion. lol
Laughter is the best medicine,,, 😉
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Reblogged this on OlyEats and commented:
Someone has better explanation for why my Wordless Wednesday post went out on Thursday. I was clearly thinking more about my stomach than the publishing time on my post. Enjoy.
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