Police in Brewer this morning responded to a tense hostage situation at The House on the Hill, home of Maine’s beloved Modern Philosopher. First hand reports indicate that the blogger has been held captive by his internal organs since approximately 2:30am when they viciously roused him from a deep sleep with an attack that included sharp abdominal pains, odd gurgling noises, and an overall sense of nausea.
No word yet on the organs’ demands, but the Man in the Toga has called out sick from work, and is making sure that he’s never more than several strides away from one of the house’s bathrooms.
How did such a horrible thing happen to such a wonderful person? Let’s come up with some theories, which should be rather creative seeing as how I haven’t gotten any sleep and my mind really cannot focus.
1. We are moving to a new location at work, so I’ve been cleaning out my office. Yesterday, I came across an unopened box of microwave popcorn in my desk. I couldn’t remember when I’d bought it, but the expiration date was July 2013. I brought the box home, and enjoyed a bag of popcorn while I watched the Knicks game last night. That was the last thing I ate before going to bed. How much can you really trust corn? It’s the one food that always makes a comeback even after you’ve eaten it. I’ve never trusted it, so now it heads my list of co-conspirators.
2. I’ve been cursed. A coworker yesterday gave me the model of a spinal column that we have around the office. Our old space used to be a doctor’s office, so there are some odd objects around. The Girl Who Is Away At School used to keep the spine on the shelf above her desk. Now it’s mine, and I’ve hung it on the wall of the foyer of The House on the Hill (there’s a photo of it). I sent a quick text to The Girl Who Was In Class At The Time, stating “Patty just brought me your spine!”. She promptly replied, “That’s funny because I’m quite sure it’s still here inside my body!”. Gotta love that sense of humor. Clearly, I’ve been cursed for removing the spine from the office. It’s like “The Brady Bunch” when they went to Hawaii and bad things happened after they took the Tiki idols. I have a haunted spine hanging on my foyer wall!
3. The Flying Monkeys are behind it. As I reported on the blog last night, Maine’s Flying Monkeys have taken to the sky to protest the FAA’s treatment of one of their own. They saw me interviewing the guy from the FAA, and now they’re using me and my blog to help fight for their cause. Perhaps they are working for The Wicked Witch of Winterport, who has cast a spell on me and will not remove it until Jahrlo is allowed to fly again.
I did warn you that I am very sick, extremely tired, and not thinking clearly. However, I believe that one of those theories holds the truth to why my body is doing this to me. If anything, my internal organs should be happy because I’ve been slacking on my diet and haven’t been running lately. There has to be a more sensational explanation aside from the fact that I’ve caught a stomach virus. That’s just too bland for Maine, you know?
So what do you think, Modern Philosophers? Should the Hostage Rescue Team storm The House on the Hill and attempt to save me from my captors? Should they remain outside and try to negotiate with my internal organs? What can I do to make it so that I no longer feel like I’ll never be able to eat again?
I’m look forward to your comments. I could use the distraction…