Blogger Held Hostage By Grumbly Internal Organs

sickPolice in Brewer this morning responded to a tense hostage situation at The House on the Hill, home of Maine’s beloved Modern Philosopher.  First hand reports indicate that the blogger has been held captive by his internal organs since approximately 2:30am when they viciously roused him from a deep sleep with an attack that included sharp abdominal pains, odd gurgling noises, and an overall sense of nausea.

No word yet on the organs’ demands, but the Man in the Toga has called out sick from work, and is making sure that he’s never more than several strides away from one of the house’s bathrooms.

How did such a horrible thing happen to such a wonderful person?  Let’s come up with some theories, which should be rather creative seeing as how I haven’t gotten any sleep and my mind really cannot focus.

popcorn1. We are moving to a new location at work, so I’ve been cleaning out my office.  Yesterday, I came across an unopened box of microwave popcorn in my desk.  I couldn’t remember when I’d bought it, but the expiration date was July 2013.  I brought the box home, and enjoyed a bag of popcorn while I watched the Knicks game last night.  That was the last thing I ate before going to bed.  How much can you really trust corn?  It’s the one food that always makes a comeback even after you’ve eaten it.  I’ve never trusted it, so now it heads my list of co-conspirators.

spine2. I’ve been cursed.  A coworker yesterday gave me the model of a spinal column that we have around the office.  Our old space used to be a doctor’s office, so there are some odd objects around.  The Girl Who Is Away At School used to keep the spine on the shelf above her desk.  Now it’s mine, and I’ve hung it on the wall of the foyer of The House on the Hill (there’s a photo of it).  I sent a quick text to The Girl Who Was In Class At The Time, stating “Patty just brought me your spine!”.  She promptly replied, “That’s funny because I’m quite sure it’s still here inside my body!”.  Gotta love that sense of humor.  Clearly, I’ve been cursed for removing the spine from the office.  It’s like “The Brady Bunch” when they went to Hawaii and bad things happened after they took the Tiki idols.  I have a haunted spine hanging on my foyer wall!

The_Flying_Monkeys3. The Flying Monkeys are behind it.  As I reported on the blog last night, Maine’s Flying Monkeys have taken to the sky to protest the FAA’s treatment of one of their own.  They saw me interviewing the guy from the FAA, and now they’re using me and my blog to help fight for their cause.  Perhaps they are working for The Wicked Witch of Winterport, who has cast a spell on me and will not remove it until Jahrlo is allowed to fly again.

I did warn you that I am very sick, extremely tired, and not thinking clearly.  However, I believe that one of those theories holds the truth to why my body is doing this to me.  If anything, my internal organs should be happy because I’ve been slacking on my diet and haven’t been running lately.  There has to be a more sensational explanation aside from the fact that I’ve caught a stomach virus.  That’s just too bland for Maine, you know?

bullhornSo what do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Should the Hostage Rescue Team storm The House on the Hill and attempt to save me from my captors?  Should they remain outside and try to  negotiate with my internal organs?  What can I do to make it so that I no longer feel like I’ll never be able to eat again?

I’m look forward to your comments.  I could use the distraction…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

53 Responses to Blogger Held Hostage By Grumbly Internal Organs

  1. I am laughing so hard. I wonder though; how did you get that picture of me, that morning look?

  2. mudlips says:

    It could be The Machines have dispatched nanobots to disrupt your prevailing efforts to overcome their attempts at world domination – thus dominating your GI tract. This reader knows that you’re tougher than they are, and while you may be briefly inconvenienced, ultimately you will WIN this battle! Get well soon!

    PS- I beg to differ, this blog IS contagious, I can’t stop reading your posts!

  3. Thanks for posting this. I hate to be the bearer of yet another conspiracy, as i’m not sure which group could be behind it. I too haven’t blogged much the last few days, and suffered the same symptoms halfway around the world. Coincidence, I think not. Perhaps others can enlighten us both, on the extent of this devious plot.

    • Austin says:

      Hmmm…you don’t have a cursed spine hanging in your foyer, do you? If not, it’s probably The Machines. I haven’t posted about them in a while, and when I leave them alone, they get confident and try to take over the world again…

  4. Sorry to hear you’re sick! It never hurts to light a few candles and take a nice bath with epsom salts :). On a sidenote, we just got our second fish and my kids named him Austin. It’s after one of their favorite Disney shows (we now have an Austin and Al (two boys) after the show Austin & Allie), but I thought you might get a smile out of that. There’s a bright blue betta fish with your name on it!

  5. Ned's Blog says:

    I hope you get well soon, Austin… “well” being a relative term. And my vote is for the Flying Monkeys. For no other reason than I find monkeys kind of creepy.

  6. GreedyFrog says:

    I think the monkeys planted the bad popcorn. The spine however is just a red herring.
    Get well soon! 🙂

  7. Ronnie Ann says:

    While my sincere sympathies are with you and your misery, Austin, is it so wrong that I came away mostly thinking about how nice a heaping bowl of warm popcorn would be right now? Uh…don’t tell the Monkeys.

  8. tgeorges1123 says:

    Have you at least considered the possibility that you may be pregnant?

  9. amb says:

    Aww, muffin! Look after yourself! (And please, whatever you do, keep “writing blog posts” as part of your get-well regimen. That was about seven kinds of awesome).

  10. ksbeth says:

    caused by a solar flare up. usually gets blamed as the cause for most everything else. feel better

    • Austin says:

      Thanks. I’m working on a new post now, and have buried a few little clues in it for searchers like yourself. I want to hear back from you once you’ve read it! 🙂

  11. floridaborne says:

    Genetically modified food, no spine, monkeying around, and you wonder why your gut is grumbling? Next thing you know, you’ll be taken on a UFO for experimentation. 🙂

  12. billieazahir says:

    I would send in Mr. Maalox to negotiate and if that does not work the situation may require PEPTO sharp shooters team to be called in. 🙂

  13. Reblogged this on OlyEats and commented:
    Someone has better explanation for why my Wordless Wednesday post went out on Thursday. I was clearly thinking more about my stomach than the publishing time on my post. Enjoy.

  14. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
    POOR GUY!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s