First Unicorn Of Spring Spotted In Maine; Motorists Advised To Use Caution

CrossingThe Maine Department of Transportation issued a traffic advisory after the first Unicorn of the Spring was spotted crossing a road just outside of Houlton.

Motorists are advised to use caution as Unicorns do not take kindly to being approached by vehicles of any kind, and have been known to lash out to protect their personal space.

“This is a little early in the season for us to be seeing the first Unicorn,” Peggy Sue Morris, a Maine DOT spokesperson told this Modern Philosopher.  “The weather has been so beautiful this week, however, so it’s understandable as to why the herds are emerging from their Winter slumber.”

For those of you unfamiliar with the Maine Unicorn, the species hibernates during the harsh Winters.  While this is not a behavior usually attributed to Unicorns, the Maine breed has evolved in order to survive the snow and frigid temperatures.

unicorn“Maine Unicorns are damn smart,” Professor Wendall Trombiono, of the University of Maine, explained via Skype as he combed the Northern Woods in search of the herd.  “There’s no other way they would have survived in the wild for this long had they not adapted the hibernating behaviors of other Maine animals.”

Spring in Maine has always meant the departure of Snow Miser and the triumphant return of the Unicorn.  Professor Trombiono’s team tracks the herd every Spring to make note of its size and to see if it is thriving.  While the Unicorn remains on Maine’s Endangered Species List, Trombiono says there are reasons to be positive.  “There has been a steady uptick in the Unicorn population over the last decade.  So much so, that I believe there is now more than one herd…possibly even three.  If only we could teach them to stay away from the Zombies…”

For some unexplained reason, Maine Unicorns are compelled to chase Zombies.  Their horns are deadly weapons that can easily dispatch a Walker.  However, after such an attack, Unicorns often end up covered in Zombie blood, a substance to which they are deathly allergic.

“We wish we understood why Unicorns have an instinct to kill Zombies,” the professor sighed.  “Hopefully, a resistance to the allergy, or a change in their homicidal urge will be the next step in the creatures’ evolution.”

windshieldIn case motorists are unclear as to why they should drive with caution in areas marked as Unicorn Crossings, I have included the picture at the left.  That windshield was demolished by one strike from the horn of a baby Unicorn.

“Unicorns will leave you alone if you do the same,” Peggy Sue Morris advised.  “If you get too close, however, they will make you wish had taken a completely different route.  Every motorist should operate by one simple rule: Unicorns ALWAYS have the right of way.”

Perhaps Zombies should keep that in mind as well.

Drive safely, Modern Philosophers.  Windshields are expensive to replace!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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19 Responses to First Unicorn Of Spring Spotted In Maine; Motorists Advised To Use Caution

  1. floridaborne says:

    If they tend to chase Zombies and live in the US, it’s no wonder they’re an endangered species. May the gods of competent unicorns steer them into the woodlands of Maine and away from 🙂 superstores.

  2. Kylie says:

    You just made my daughter’s year.

  3. susielindau says:

    Hilarious. I never knew how violent baby unicorns could be! I will give them a lot of space…..

  4. rodalena says:

    Advice from people named Peggy Sue shold always be heeded. Loved this! 🙂

  5. As Esme Weatherwax said (in “Lords and Ladies” by Sir Terry Pratchett), “A unicorn is just a horse with a damn big weapon on his head.” Still, I’d love to see one (insert girly sigh here….*sigh*).

  6. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:

  7. amb says:

    Lol! Unicorns with homicidal urges?!? You’re blowing my mind here, Doc.

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