The Morning After Walk of Pain, Sponsored By Insomnia

exhaustedGood morning, Modern Philosophers.  You get treated to a special weekday morning post because my old friend Insomnia decided to visit.  Make sure you thank her.

I think it’s time to add a second line to that old saying “No pain, no gain”.  How about something along the lines of “Some pain, no sleep”?  I know it doesn’t rhyme, but in my current state, that’s the best I can do.

Last night, I went for my fourth run in five days.  I’m trying to get myself back to my regular schedule of doing 5 miles four or five times a week (after my usual Winter plunge into slackdom), so I decided that I would up my distance from 3 miles to 4 for last night’s little adventure.  That probably doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but when you look at it like a Math nerd (which I sometimes am), that is a 33 1/3% increase.

It was a gorgeous night, perfect for a run, so it made sense to try to push myself to go that extra 5280 feet (told you I could be a Math nerd!).  I made sure not to set too fast of a pace so that I’d still have something left in the tank for that final mile.  Of course, I stacked the odds in my favor by picking a route that was 2 miles out and then back…even if I wimped out, the only way to get back to The House on the Hill would be by completing the 4 miles.

Being a bit of a dork (just a bit???), I always get a chuckle out of something along the 4 mile route.  Just before the halfway point, there is a giant penis spray painted in the middle of the road.  I affectionately refer to this distance as my “Big Dick Run”, and I always make some off colored joke in my mind as I pass the giant phallus that points the way to the halfway mark of my quest.

soreI made it back to the driveway in 39:59, having spent every ounce of energy in my body along the way.  Perhaps that explains why I inexplicably forgot to stretch after doing my cool down walk.  All I could think about was hitting the shower and getting something to eat.

Obviously, some of the ocean of sweat that was pouring off my body had seeped into my skull and short-circuited my brain.  After my shower, I flopped down on the couch and watched the Knicks game.  During that time, the muscles in my body held a staff meeting and decided to get sore.  They were crafty and started out slowly so I didn’t suspect anything, but by time I got up to go to bed, my knees and calves were throbbing and everything else just ached.

Of course, I tried to stretch at that point, but it was too late.

InsomniaCut to 4:45am.  I awakened to discover that my muscles were really committed to their cause.  My legs were apparently holding a workshop on cramping, and the rest of my body decided that I should be up to witness it.

I tossed and turned as much as I could manage in my sore state, and finally just decided to embrace my pal Insomnia and come down to the living room to write.

It was nice to watch the sun rise as I sipped my Snapple and tried to calculate (another Math nerd reference) how much longer I needed to wait before I could introduce more Ibuprofen to my bloodstream.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not regretting my run.  Whining about the pain is a right that a runner earns.  I’m just mad at myself for stupidly not stretching when I made my triumphant return to The House on the Hill as the brave conqueror of the 4 Mile Big Dick Run.  Guess you could say I was the big dick for not stretching…

I’m not sure if I’ll put on my Running Toga again tonight and add to my weekly mileage, but I am definitely proud of myself for getting back into my old running habits.  As much as I hate running, I do enjoy the reflection the mirror shows me when I exercise regularly.

So, Modern Philosophers, my friend Insomnia needs a place to crash tonight.  Anyone willing to take her in?



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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31 Responses to The Morning After Walk of Pain, Sponsored By Insomnia

  1. Dave says:

    Insomnia can crash here….I’m up way too early as well.

    You may be a math nerd, but I’ve got the license plate to prove it! 🙂

  2. Jeffery Simmons says:

    Why must you pick on Maine? Maine is gentle town, with vacationers and old folks. You better shut you butt. Or Imma rip that dildo mouth of yours off your face and shove it where the sun don’t shine. Sincerely yours, politely fuck off.

  3. amb says:

    Aww, muffin. But you’re an entertaining math nerd, so it’s all good. Nice job on turning your pain into blog material! Take THAT, insomnia!!

  4. Dawn says:

    She is a terrible houseguest, that one! The endorphins can be disruptive too, if I run at night, but
    much better intentioned 🙂 And math nerds rock! It’s a fact.

    • Austin says:

      I did come in second place at our grammar school math bee. I used to be really good with numbers, but now I prefer words. 🙂

  5. floridaborne says:

    I believe she was merely taking a vacation to your place as she insists upon dancing next to my bed every night. Her name is Hortense (as in a ho that makes you tense). She enjoys waiting until you’re just drifting off, then she sits her fat butt on your knees, your stomach, or–worse–on your head. Geez, the smell!

    Seriously, insomnia is frustrating. Nightly insomnia drains your body, numbs your mind and it sucks the hope out of your spirit. You drag through the day and eventually begin making mistakes because your mind just won’t connect one thought to another.

    Next time you try to run too much too soon and not stretch, try a hot tub, or soak in a hot bath. I could suggest OTC products you can buy at dollar stores to help you sleep, but I really don’t want the unicorns, leprechauns, or police swooping down on me from Maine if you die from taking my suggestions. 🙂

  6. Good god! Well, I have insomnia lately and it’s not from running too much, that’s for sure. At least you have a reason. Hope the pain goes away and you can attempt the Big Dick Run again.

  7. SURE—Just send her down viA AMTRAK and South Station to Worcester…do the trains run that late?

  8. LucyJartz says:

    Send her on over. I could use a study buddy right now, since I’m probably going to be up all night finishing the essays I didn’t write today. Unless, of course, you already have her on a train to ‘Wooster’. If we finish early, a bribe if she comes this way, we can make up lines to silent movies on Hulu. I am way funnier when I’m sleep deprived, or at least I think I am.

    • Austin says:

      Thanks. I’ll sleep easier tonight knowing my friend Insomnia has a place to stay…

      • LucyJartz says:

        She’s a hoot. Last time she came we stayed up playing video games and calculating how far to the nearest store that might be open. In the end we braided each other’s hair and borrowed things out of each other’s wardrobe. I don’t see how you two didn’t have a blast.

      • Austin says:

        She knows my heart belongs to another so she gets jealous and mean…

      • LucyJartz says:

        That’s sweet, and sad. You could have borrowed her purple toga, which she offered to me but I borrowed her Slaughter CD and a zombie repellent t-shirt that says my brains are on Spring Break in the Bahamas (it works everywhere except the Bahamas).

  9. ksbeth says:

    please save me a t-shirt from you first annual big dick fun run, that i have now created in my mind. i think it would be a HUGE success. (potential problem/warning: some may interpret the fun run’s name wrong and invite the likes of george w.b., dick nixon, etc.)

  10. Iamrcc says:

    Fortunately, I have never had the pleasure of meeting Insomnia, but I have felt the pain of leg cramps in the middle of the night. Once I feed them with a little salt water, I drop right by to dreamland. Thanks for the dropping by and the like of my post “Trio”.

  11. Castlenut says:

    I seem to be suffering from the same affliction… and would prefer to not meet Insomnia again this evening! 😉

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