Spring is definitely here, Modern Philosophers. How do I know? The front lawn of The House on the Hill is lush and green and needs to be mowed (a major undertaking of the high calorie burning variety)…except for the huge bald area about 15′ x 8′ on the left side of the property.
I’ve prayed to the Lawn Gods, but they have not answered me in a manner to my liking. Apparently, my lawn now needs a toupee.
Last Spring, my neighbor, who has the perfectly manicure front lawn that mocks me on a daily basis form across the street, helped me reseed that section of the lawn. We bought the special dirt mixed with manure (the place smelled WONDERFUL for days!), we spread the grass seed with a two wheeled device that spreads seed (hey, I’m a City Boy, so I don’t know what it’s called!), then we flattened it all down with this huge roller filled with water (again, no clue as to the name), covered that all with hay, and then I watered it every morning and night for two weeks.
When all was said and done, the lawn actually looked worse. My neighbor felt really bad, and I was just completely frustrated. Thoughts of paving over the front lawn filled my head, but then I realized I’d just have to clear the snow off it in the Winter.
So today, I decided to give it one more shot. This time, though, I went cheap and simple. I bought a bag of grass seed, raked the bald spot, spread my seed (insert the off colored joke of your choice here), and then hit it all with the hose. No expensive dirt. No shoveling. No hay. If it’s meant to be, the seed with take and I’ll have more mowing to do this summer.
If it doesn’t, then I just won’t look at that section of the front lawn ever again…
Helpful friends have suggested that my lawn might have been invaded by grubs, but I have my own theories. I’m pretty sure my lawn was permanently damaged by Demon piss and the acidic innards of Zombies.
Demons hate me because Notre Dame beat Wake Forest in football last year. I had a big party at my house for the game, and my Fighting Irish prevailed over their Demon Deacons. Ever since, the neighborhood Demons have been giving me the evil eye. They know better than to mess with me, but my lawn is a different story.
As for the Zombie guts, The House on the Hill seems to lure Walkers for some reason. They never get closer than the front lawn, though, because Gary the Gargoyle swoops down off the roof to dispatch them to the great hereafter.
Hopefully, this Spring’s reseeding will do the trick. I really don’t like my home having a flaw. I want the property to be as perfect as its owner (insert any joke you want here!).
Think good thoughts for my lawn, Modern Philosophers. I’m tired of the grass always being greener everywhere else I look…