My Grass Is Never Greener Because Of Demon Urine & Zombie Innards

prayingSpring is definitely here, Modern Philosophers.  How do I know?  The front lawn of The House on the Hill is lush and green and needs to be mowed (a major undertaking of the high calorie burning variety)…except for the huge bald area about 15′ x 8′ on the left side of the property.

I’ve prayed to the Lawn Gods, but they have not answered me in a manner to my liking.  Apparently, my lawn now needs a toupee.

Last Spring, my neighbor, who has the perfectly manicure front lawn that mocks me on a daily basis form across the street, helped me reseed that section of the lawn.  We bought the special dirt mixed with manure (the place smelled WONDERFUL for days!), we spread the grass seed with a two wheeled device that spreads seed (hey, I’m a City Boy, so I don’t know what it’s called!), then we flattened it all down with this huge roller filled with water (again, no clue as to the name), covered that all with hay, and then I watered it every morning and night for two weeks.

When all was said and done, the lawn actually looked worse.  My neighbor felt really bad, and I was just completely frustrated.  Thoughts of paving over the front lawn filled my head, but then I realized I’d just have to clear the snow off it in the Winter.

grass seedSo today, I decided to give it one more shot.  This time, though, I went cheap and simple.  I bought a bag of grass seed, raked the bald spot, spread my seed (insert the off colored joke of your choice here), and then hit it all with the hose.  No expensive dirt.  No shoveling.  No hay.  If it’s meant to be, the seed with take and I’ll have more mowing to do this summer.

If it doesn’t, then I just won’t look at that section of the front lawn ever again…

Helpful friends have suggested that my lawn might have been invaded by grubs, but I have my own theories.  I’m pretty sure my lawn was permanently damaged by Demon piss and the acidic innards of Zombies.

Demons hate me because Notre Dame beat Wake Forest in football last year.  I had a big party at my house for the game, and my Fighting Irish prevailed over their Demon Deacons.  Ever since, the neighborhood Demons have been giving me the evil eye.  They know better than to mess with me, but my lawn is a different story.

As for the Zombie guts, The House on the Hill seems to lure Walkers for some reason.  They never get closer than the front lawn, though, because Gary the Gargoyle swoops down off the roof to dispatch them to the great hereafter.

Hopefully, this Spring’s reseeding will do the trick.  I really don’t like my home having a flaw.  I want the property to be as perfect as its owner (insert any joke you want here!).

Think good thoughts for my lawn, Modern Philosophers.  I’m tired of the grass always being greener everywhere else I look…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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26 Responses to My Grass Is Never Greener Because Of Demon Urine & Zombie Innards

  1. Ashana M says:

    Grass prefers sandy soil. What kind of soil do you have in that area? (I’m not a gardener–I’m just remembering what my college environmental college prof said.) Any chance of planting something in that spot that will like it better than the grass does? Making a rock garden? A wildflower patch?

  2. floridaborne says:

    I live in the country on a sand hill. What grass wants depends on the type of grass. I can tell you that, but I dare not try to grow it. When it comes to gardening, I have a purple thumb–I can kill anything that grows. The best thing I can do for a plant is to let it fend for itself.

    If all else fails, ever think of putting a gazebo over the bald spot? Or a bird fountain surrounded by a rock garden? I’m sure the gardeners out there can come up with other makeover ideas.

    • Austin says:

      My house is on a hill, so the front lawn is on a very steep incline. I couldn’t build anything on it…

      • floridaborne says:

        It’s according to how steep the incline is. Are you talking “cliff” like in “The Good Son?” If so, why are you worried about putting grass on it? 🙂

      • Austin says:

        It’s the front lawn and the first thing anyone sees. It’s a huge, ugly bald spot on an otherwise thick, green lawn.

      • floridaborne says:

        Can you provide a picture in your next blog? I have a family member who is the best gardener. She’s also an herbalist. She can grow things in places I never thought possible. She’s family by marriage–a fact that explains why there’s someone in my family who doesn’t kill plants just by trying to care for them.

      • Austin says:

        My lawn is very camera shy. I’ll see if I can convince it to let me take its picture…

  3. John says:

    Patch of astro turf, get a similar colour to the rest of the lawn and from a distance no one will tell the difference 🙂

  4. EagleAye says:

    Maybe you need one of the sonic devices to scare demons away. Would crosses work?

  5. Typehype says:

    Wow that’s a big bald spot. May be you should park your car over it.

    • Austin says:

      I can’t. It’s a very steep hill. Was just out watering the seed today. Hopefully, they will grow and provide my lawn with the plugs it so desperately needs! 🙂

  6. Lawns are indeed strange…. Living much of my days in Brookline Mass, we never had much of a lawn in front of our brownstone. Thus, I never knew or thought much of them. Now however, there is green growing wonderment surrounding my cottage. It grows on the cobble path, it grows on the ground, it grows on the steps, it grows on the walls and I’m certain if I’m not precarious it would grow in the entry way to spread and make its way throughout the entire dwelling.
    It seems our problems could be of help to each other! I have excess grass and you lack some…. I’m currently gathering some to ship to Maine

  7. Leslie Jo says:

    I would just cover the spot with AstroTurf, but then again, I’m always looking for ways to use AstroTurf. After our bathroom flooded with Demon and/or Zombie excrement from the sewer, I ripped off the moldy molding near the floor and installed AstroTurf. Now I don’t ever have to worry if the bathroom floods again, and I finally have AstroTurf in my house!

  8. Daneil says:

    Have you considered that it could be pet urine wrecking the grass? Our dog’s pee kills the grass whenever she goes, so we use Dog Rocks – you should research them!

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