Maine Monster Control Celebrates Record Setting Year

monstersMaine Monster Control celebrated a record setting year by holding a lavish party at the Bangor Hilton.  The MMC, which is tasked with dealing with complaints by humans against monsters, had to respond to a record low number of calls this past year.

Dawn Summers, the MMC Commissioner, explained to this Modern Philosopher why this was such wonderful news worthy of a wild celebration.  “Maine Monster Control was created in 1975 when the state’s otherworldly population was in the midst of a really dark period.  Mainers were being attacked, frightened, and even killed.  Humans didn’t feel safe, and the monsters were getting a little cocky.”

“In the early days, the MMC had over 1,500 employees and handled tens of thousand calls a year,” Summers continued.  “Werewolf attacks, Vampire bites, Monsters under the bed, Alien kidnappings, Zombie infestations, Demonic possessions.  You name it, we dealt with it.  We couldn’t hire and train people fast enough.  Maine was on the verge of a civil war.”

MMC_LOGOI looked around the Grand Ballroom of the Hilton and saw all sorts of otherworldly creatures chatting, dancing, and laughing with humans.  Things certainly have changed.

“Yes, they have,” Summers replied with a huge smile.  “Over time, the humans learned to be more accepting of those referred to as ‘monsters’.  Even the terminology changed with the use of the much more PC ‘otherworldly creatures’ classification.  The beings formerly known as monsters stopped thinking of humans as a threat, and realized that life would be a lot simpler if we all got along.”

“Of course, you’ve still got the Zombies, who are never going to change,” Summers explained.  “There are a few Vampires who crave human blood, rather than accepting the Alien blood offered to them by our friends in the North Woods.  Demons are always going to cause a ruckus, and some of the more old school Monsters Under the Bed refuse to be cuddly and friendly.”

monster partyBecause of the changes in thinking and attitude, the MMC is down to 50 full time employees.  Of those, almost half are social workers.  Now, when a Mainer calls the hotline with a complaint, he first speaks to an LCSW, who tries to figure out why the caller fears the “monster”.   If the social worker cannot defuse the situation with words, a team is dispatch to the scene.  Even then, the on site team includes a social worker who will again try to resolve the situation without extreme measures being taken.

“This past year, we had to send out a team only 23 times,” Summers revealed with great pride.  “Of those calls, only 16 times did agents have to go into the home and remove an otherworldly creature.  That’s down from a high of 22, 511 captures and removals in 1977.”

No wonder they’re celebrating.  Maine has clearly evolved over the past 40 years, and as a result, humans and “monsters” live together in peace and harmony.

Except for those damn Zombies, who always have to rock and try to eat the boat. 

Congratulations, Maine Monster Control!  Maybe by this time next year, we’ll be celebrating the fact that this agency is no longer needed.  In fact, if Mayor McCheese wins the election, Maine will have its first otherworldly Governor.

The times, they are a changin’…




About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Maine Monster Control Celebrates Record Setting Year

  1. Typehype says:

    MMC you are needed in Cleveland

  2. It doesn’t help that Brad Pitt is about to release his Zombie movie.

  3. Do you think they’d do an intervention for my “SWAMP CREATURE” if I can ever find it again?

  4. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:

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