A new poll released today by the Government Office of Official Polling (GOOP) revealed that over sixty percent of all spelling bees held in America take place on the day of the week that is most often spelled incorrectly.
While this Modern Philosopher still enjoys the memory of winning the seventh grade spelling bee by spelling “silhouette” correctly (how the heck did I know there was an “h” in there???), I cannot remember if that triumph took place on a Wednesday.
More importantly, though, why is there an entity known as “GOOP”, and how much of my tax dollars go towards funding this organization? If my toga had sleeves, I would’ve rolled them up and immediately gotten to work investigating.
Turns out that GOOP was founded in 1977 by President Jimmy Carter (does it surprise anyone that the Democrats are to blame for this?) because little Amy Carter was a huge fan of polling. Fine. So what’s the deal with this new study about Spelling Bees and the days of the week?
“I’m really glad you called, Austin,” Sarah Adams, the GOOP Leader (her real title!) told me when I called GOOP Headquarters. “The phone only usually rings when it’s a wrong number, so it was a thrill to get someone on the phone who really wanted to reach us.”
What exactly does GOOP do? “We are the official polling agency of the US Government,” Adams explained, “but with all the other major polling organizations out there, and anyone able to conduct a poll online and through social media, people seem to have forgotten that we’re here.”
“We do a lot of independent polling, and then announce the results of our findings to justify our continuing to receive paychecks,” she admitted sheepishly. “Truth be told, one of our interns came up with the Spelling Bee idea, and then we thought it would be cool if we could prove that they were mostly held on Wednesdays. Nerd humor, I know, but it’s a Government job and has awesome benefits, so we do what we can to keep it.”
This agency even has interns? Sounds like government waste at its worst. “We did conduct a poll asking if people thought this office was unnecessary and a waste of tax dollars,” Adams told me smugly. “According to my pollsters, the results were that America is 100% in favor of keeping us up and running.”
Why do I think that the margin of error on GOOP’s work might be right around 100%?
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Should President Obama cut programs like GOOP, or allow blatant government waste like this to continue? Have you ever received a call about a very odd topic and wondered who had commissioned the poll? Do you think that the Calendar Commission should consider an easier, alternate spelling for Wednesday?
I look forward to your comments. I will be checking them for spelling errors…