Pope Francis To Host Memorial Day Softball Tournament At The Vatican

PopePope Francis is really living up to his reputation as The Pope who enjoys his holidays.  The world is still talking about the massive Vatican Easter Egg Hunt planned by Dan Brown, and the Swiss Guards continue to find once drunken revelers from the St. Patrick’s Day Housewarming party wandering aimlessly around the Vatican’s secret passages.

So how does a Pontiff celebrate Memorial Day?  “We’re going to have a weekend long softball tournament, and finish it up with a massive barbecue on Monday night,” Pope Francis excitedly told this Modern Philosopher via Skype.  “I’m a huge sports fan, but my favorite sport of soccer is too boring to keep people pumped all weekend, so we’re going with softball.  I cannot wait to swing for the fences.”

In order to accommodate the massive turnout expected for the tournament, The Holy Father has commissioned his grounds crew to lay out AstroTurf, put up fences, and turn St. Peter’s Square into a most holy Field of Dreams.

“We’re going to play right there in St. Peter’s Square and put up bleachers so folks can just sit there in the sun and enjoy a feast of softball,” the Pope explained as he held up an artist’s rendering of what the square would look like once construction was completed.

Two popesPope Francis is going to captain a team called The Pope’s Posse.  There’s also a team of Vatican Cardinals ironically named The Blue Jays, the Vatican Nuns are fielding a team calling themselves Twisted Sisters, but I think my favorite name is that of the team headed up by Retired Pope Benedict: Da Pope-Legangers.

Former Pope Benedict is also going to stick around to man the grills with Pope Francis for the Monday night BBQ.  “It should be a blessed event,” the Retired One told me via email.  “I cannot wait to blow away the other teams with my rise ball!”

Yellow Softball, Bat, and GloveTeams can sign up for the tournament by going to The Vatican’s website or by dropping off a roster at any local church.  “Sports is a great way to bring people together,” Pope Francis reminded me.  “This tournament is open to players of all faiths and skill levels.  I just want everyone to have fun, celebrate the holiday, and get a little exercise.  Please spread the world that there will be non-meat options at the barbecue.  It’s BYOB, but Holy Water will be provided.  That’s just a joke…we wouldn’t actually let people drink Holy Water.”

So what do you say, Modern Philosophers?  Are any of you up for forming a team to compete in the tournament?  I’m pretty sure I can convince Stephen King or Mayor McCheese to fly us over there in a private jet.  I could also ask one of my Alien friends to zip us over there in a Space Cruiser.  I bet we’d look awesome taking the field in our togas.

Let me know.  I have to turn in a roster soon…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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16 Responses to Pope Francis To Host Memorial Day Softball Tournament At The Vatican

  1. ksbeth says:

    please sign me up as ball girl, and i am willing to do special promotions as the mascot, dressed as the holy ‘host’ or as a giant ‘pope hat.’ all i ask is that i am driven onto the field in a converted golf cart fashioned to look like a mini popemobile and unlimited access to official pope stadium nachos. . simple contract terms.

    • Austin says:

      You drive a hard bargain. I’m not sure I can give you all that, but I will try my best. I don’t even know if the have nachos at the Vatican. Let me call Frankie…

  2. List of X says:

    You should ask if your friend the Devil will play. I heard he’s a hell of a catcher.

  3. Kat Bultman says:

    Reblogged this on The Polar Zone and commented:
    I always find the Modern Philosopher’s posts extremely entertaining!!

  4. Suzicue says:

    I thought that said to drop off a rooster. 😛

  5. Your not going to get a ride from a UFO. The ship is already scheduled to come by Roswell and pick up my girls. Sorry, you’ll have to find another ride.

  6. jsackmom says:

    I adore this man the day he was elected into the Vatican was the day my heart smiled. Thank you for sharing this I’ll be smiling all day thinking of the Pope’s excitement to swing for the fences. 😃

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