Activists Fight To Make Killing #Zombies Illegal In Maine

Zombie killerPolice had to break up a near riot outside of The Penobscot County Court House today when angry Bangor residents got word of a protest going on at that location.

About a dozen activists in tie dyed shirts had gathered to chant and wave signs urging Maine Lawmakers to make it illegal to kill Zombies.  Once area residents caught wind of the group and their cause, things got ugly quickly.

Luckily, law enforcement officials were already in the building and the Bangor Police Headquarters is nearby.  Officers swarmed to the area and quickly separated the two sides before the angry mob could badly injure the pro-Zombie folks.

Zombie peace“Look at the blood lust in their eyes,” screamed one protestor as a police officer led him away for his own protection.  “All they want to do is murder, and allowing them to kill Zombies without punishment is making them hungry for more blood.”

This Modern Philosopher arrived on the scene just as the police were getting things under control.  It is a testament to the courage and the training of the men and women in blue that none of the hippies in tie dye were badly injured in the scrum.  My estimate is that angry Mainers outnumbered peace loving Mainers by a ratio of about 5-1.

So why the showing of support for Zombies?  “Hey, man, one day we’re all going to be Zombies.  It’s just inevitable,” explained Woody Boyd, the leader of the activists.  “So when that day comes, I need to know my rights are protected.  I don’t want every person in the State of Maine to have a get out of jail free card if they decide they want to bludgeon me to death simply because I’m different.”

I wanted to say he had a point, but I couldn’t agree with him.  Not when I had a stiletto, my Zombie killing weapon of choice, tucked securely underneath my toga.  Were a Zombie to make an appearance, I would have no qualms spraying its blood all over Woody’s colorful tie dyed shirt.

Zombies“Maine is supposed to be such an open minded state,” he continued as if sensing that he was not winning me over to his side.  “We accept Aliens, Ghosts, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, and the like, but we single out Zombies for extinction.  How is that acceptable?”

I tried to explain to Woody that none of the otherworldly creatures he had mentioned, even the Vampires who have worked out a deal with the Aliens in the North Woods to consume their excess blood, tried to kill humans.  Zombies were the only ones on the list who needed to eat people in order to survive.

“It’s obvious you’re no better than those animals out there,” he yelled at me and pointed to the scores of pissed off locals who wanted to pretend Woody and his pals were Zombies.  “Publish your lies and make me look like the crazy person.  “Just don’t come trudging to me for help after you’ve been turned and your neighbors want to put an ice pick through your eye.”

I promised Woody I would never do that.

So what do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Do you have a problem with the current laws in Maine in regards to Zombie killing?  Do you think killing a Zombie should be a punishable offense?  If you do think it should be illegal, what do you propose the penalty should be?

All I know is that I work too hard keeping my brain in shape to ever allow it to become the main course of an all you can eat Zombie buffet.  I never go anywhere without my trusty stiletto, and I’m not afraid to get Zombie blood and entrails on my toga.

This is America.  Our forefathers fought for the right to kill Zombies!



About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Activists Fight To Make Killing #Zombies Illegal In Maine

  1. Renchick says:

    My weapon of choice: baseball bat 😉

    • Austin says:

      Aluminum or wood?

      • Renchick says:

        Wood for sure – just in case the treaty with the vampires ever fails or a few rogue vampires decide to buck the treaty. Then, it an easily be whittled down to several wooden spikes, which would conveniently also kill zombies.

      • Austin says:

        I like the way you think. You sound like a Modern Philosopher… 🙂

      • Renchick says:

        Thanks! I may be…but I prefer to think of myself as someone that is just trying to survive this wacky world 🙂

        PS: It’s nice to see you are still typing away – I’ve been absent for a few months and your blog is as entertaining as ever 🙂

      • Austin says:

        Thank you. I post every day. It keeps me out of trouble…and it was one of the terms of my parole… 🙂

      • Renchick says:

        LOL – perhaps you shouldn’t have used your stiletto on Woody 🙂

  2. Kate Lester says:

    Woody is a Maine visionary, isn’t, he?

  3. EagleAye says:

    I think as long as folks aren’t confused for zombies it’s all good. Before my morning coffee, I might be confused for one.

  4. Kat Bultman says:

    We have a very bad infestation of them here in Georgia, running all over the place holding up traffic and if that’s not bad enough, up north a little I can’t even find a parking spot because of the vampires…what’s this place coming too?

  5. John says:

    Please consider popping all of your posts into an e-book, I would definitely buy it. I showed your stuff to my dad when I was round at my parents’ place for a visit and he compared your posts to ‘The News from Lake Wobegon’. I’d never heard of it but I found a few clips on youtube and I kind of see it, but your writing has the added benefit of zombies, gargoyles and Satan.

  6. Kat Bultman says:

    Reblogged this on The Polar Zone and commented:
    Zombie’s everywhere; even in Maine, check out this post from the Modern Philosopher!

  7. Pingback: a theory on zombies | memoirs of an unremarkable man

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