As Maine’s Cemeteries Near Capacity, Governor Floats Idea Of Burials At Sea

CemeteryIf you’re a Mainer who doesn’t have any intention of dying soon, I hope you’re a fan of the ocean.  The Society of Maine Undertakers and Gravediggers recently informed Governor LePage that the state is running out of space in its cemeteries.

While pundits have been bickering about how the state should deal with the problem, this Modern Philosopher has learned that Maine’s unpopular Governor has decided to present a plan that would make it mandatory for all future burials to be held at sea.

burial_at-sea“Governor LePage has weighed several options,” my source in Augusta told me earlier, “and burial at sea seems like the best one.  There’s plenty of ocean out there, and there hasn’t been a shark spotted off the coast of Maine in decades, so we don’t have to worry about our loved ones being eaten.”

I found it very hard to believe that burial at sea was the best option, so I pushed my source to reveal more of the thinking behind this one.  “You know how the Governor is, Austin.  He gets an idea in his head and runs with it.  Just between us, my theory is that the more unpopular he thinks something will be with voters, the more likely he is to push for it.”

With thinking like that, it’s no wonder people are already assuming that Mayor McCheese will defeat Governor LePage in the upcoming election.

“We did offer him other choices,” my source continued.  “We briefly discussed invading Canada and clearing whatever land we conquered for cemeteries, but President Obama laughed when the Governor called and requested troops and permission to invade.”

walk in freezer“We also talked about storing bodies in walk in freezers like they have in restaurants and butcher shops, but we couldn’t get enough establishments to donate freezer space.  Another popular idea was burning the bodies, but the tree huggers didn’t like what that would do to the environment.   My personal favorite was to toss the bodies into the North Woods for the Zombies to eat.  Believe it or not, the Governor shot that one down because he’s very fat and had nightmares about dozens of Z0mbies feasting on him for days.”

Viking funeralAfter I heard those others ideas, the whole burial at sea concept didn’t sound that terrible.  I suppose if it was done like a Viking funeral, it could be extremely touching, romantic, and a fitting goodbye to a loved one.  Such a send off could actually make a funeral a happy occasion with the deceased being remembered as a heroic warrior, who left the world in a more epic manner than being dumped in a hole and covered with dirt.

I contacted Zeus, Mayor McCheese’s campaign manager, for his candidate’s thoughts on the Governor’s proposal.  Zeus told me that the Mayor did not have a comment at this time, but would be issuing an idea of his own in the coming days.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  What should we do with our dead once the cemeteries no longer have any vacancies?  How would you feel about burial at sea?  Are you hoping that you’ll live long enough so that being shot out into space is an option?

I’m looking forward to reading your comments (I know you thought I was going to say I was dying to read them, but I tricked you!)…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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45 Responses to As Maine’s Cemeteries Near Capacity, Governor Floats Idea Of Burials At Sea

  1. ::Blinks:: I. Got. Nothin’.

  2. Catherine Johnson says:

    Too funny! I used to think cremation was awful but cemetries everywhere is worse, especially if they attract zombies.

  3. Mike says:

    This could be a growth industry, burial at sea Viking style, with lots of wood boats needed for the baby boomers’ grand voice to Valhalla after fighting the great battle with younger generations for the spoils of post-industrial Maine.

  4. Renchick says:

    I think we should preserve them in skyscraper-sized mausoleums owned by multinational corporations with no scruples about working with the aliens to sell them the rights to experiment on the bodies and use them for the purposes of creating a new species designed for infiltrating and wiping out the human race. And then we should right a screenplay about it. 😀

  5. ksbeth says:

    now that taco bell delights and ikea meatballs have been discovered to be part horse, they may need another filler. have you ever seen ‘motel hell?’

    • Austin says:

      Yes, I’ve seen that movie, but your modest proposal is quite chilling…

      • ksbeth says:

        while it may sound the slightest bit creepy, just keep in mind that i am an out of the box thinker, so no idea is too odd, AND i teach kindergarten. scary!

      • Austin says:

        I had to write a paper in high school based on Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”. My idea to deal with the lack of cemetery space was to cure world hunger by feeding the dead to the starving. I was twisted even at that age…

  6. List of X says:

    I once wrote a post on how to make a funeral fun, and because the post got Freshly Pressed, there were dozens of suggestions in comments of various fun ways of burying people. My favorite (but not mine) suggestion was to cremate the body and launch ashes into the air as fireworks.

  7. floridaborne says:

    We should become the cremation nation, without the collateral damage.

  8. I was rather hoping you’d say the idea was dead in the water…! Hey Renchick, my friend…you are back!!!!

  9. I just love that first picture…is that too morbid? Old cemeteries are just so lovely.

    And from a policy analyst perspective, I admire your creativity in the zombie idea! Gross, but outside the box.

  10. Um.. Is this The Onion?

    • Austin says:

      No. It’s better and your breath doesn’t stink after you eat it. Hope you enjoy it. Please take a look around…

      • I know your blog is not The Onion! I meant the story about the cemeteries! Sounds oniony, doesn’t it?

      • Austin says:

        I’ve heard the comparison before, and I suppose I should take it as a compliment. They’ve got a team of writers churning out stories every day, and my staff is limited to me and the voices in my head… 🙂

  11. EagleAye says:

    Why not just turn the dead into zombies? Then you don’t have to bury them.

  12. queenlorene says:

    I told my family to cremate me and put me in an Enviro-urn. It has a tree seed. They will dig me a hole and I will fertilize a tree. I don’t believe in traditional burials due to space and after the Missouri floods in 1993 where 100 year old bodies were floating down the river. Disgusting.

    • Austin says:

      I’m hoping the angels simply carry me up to heaven. Or the Flying Monkeys make off with my corpse. Either one is cool with me…

  13. happycitizen2 says:

    bury a body plant a tree = be a tree ..check out the concept ..europe is way ahead of us

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