Another celebrity scandal made the news today, Modern Philosophers, as Jack & Jill, the beloved stars of one of our most popular nursery rhymes, called a news conference to finally tell the truth about what happened that fateful day on the hill.
“Sure, we took a pail with us and there was a well at the top of that hill, but it was all a cover story,” Jill sobbed as she told her her tale to the assembled throng of reporters. “Jack & I really went up that hill to get high, drink some beer, and fool around.”
The simultaneous gasp emitted by the audience was nearly deafening. Then the media began to yell questions at the stage until the moderator was finally able to get everyone, this Modern Philosopher included, to settle down and allow Jill to finish her story.
“We were just high school kids in love in a pretty uptight town where everyone knew us and our parents,” she continued slowly as she wiped the never ending trail of tears from her eyes. “We just wanted some time to ourselves to act like teenagers, to act a little naughty, and to not have to worry about the whole world watching us.”
At this point, Jill turned to Jack for support, but he just stared off into the nothingness, his thoughts a million miles away. The damage from his head injuries after his famous fall was on display for all to see.
“Neither of us had never gotten high before, and it wasn’t like we were big drinkers,” she said softly as she reached out to stroke Jack’s cheek. “Poor Jack. His body must not have been able to handle it. He only had two beers and half a joint…”
She paused for the longest time and squeezed Jack’s hand tightly, but again, there was absolutely no response. My sources tell me the one time three sport star at Hilltop High can now barely toss a ball underhand and gets dizzy if he walks more than a couple of blocks.
“He got up to chase a butterfly. I just sat there and watched, giggling, because he was so damn handsome and moved so gracefully,” Jill continued as her thoughts drifted reminiscently down Memory Lane. “Then he stumbled and he was gone. I thought he was teasing at first, so I yelled at him to get up and bring me a beer. When he didn’t answer or reappear, I finally got a bad feeling and went to look for him.”
Jack had fallen all the way back down the hill, fracturing his skull, bruising his brain, breaking both arms and three ribs, and rupturing his spleen in the process. Jill took a tumble of her own, but that had happened when she was only a few feet from the love of her life. She hobbled away with a sprained ankle…and a lifetime of guilt.
“The first responders knew the truth…we smelled of booze and weed and I was in my bra and panties. But they covered me up and then covered up the truth. Did you know it was one of the EMTs who wrote the nursery rhyme? He told me later he wanted it to be a reminder to kids of all generations not to fool around on a hill, but I knew he’d written it to haunt me about the truth of that day.”
Jack & Jill were led off stage before they could answer any questions, and Jill was taken to a local hospital after having a severe anxiety attack. My sources told me, however, that today was Jack’s birthday and the anniversary of the incident. Jill had decided to come forward because it pained her to know that Jack would never again realize when it was his birthday, nor would he likely ever again comprehend the meaning of the words “I love you, Jack” regardless of how many times she said it over the course of their lives.
Jill did contact me later by email to ask me to beg my readers to remember that while the temptation to be rebellious can sometimes seem impossible to ignore, the ramifications of our stupid choices will never be forgotten.
I don’t know about you, but I won’t be able to hear that nursery rhyme again without tearing up just a little…